sometimes, i feel so small. i feel so insignificant. yet when i try to do things to make myself stand out, i always make a blunder out of it. i always happen to do the wrong things at the wrong time. is this me? i don't know. but i know it upsets people around me. maybe it makes me become a irritating girl. i really don't know. i try so hard to make things right, yet things still seem so wrong. i think i m just not good enough in everything i do.

my baby's flying to Brunei on the 1st jan, night. and tt's next week, with less than a week in between. we should be spending more time together so why is he still stuck in camp! camp simply shucks big time.

i'm still getting over the excitement regarding my driving just now. i know it's not my maiden drive, nor issit my first time on the highway but it's my longest drive, to and fro from one end of singapore to the other end. i drove my baby to camp and back.

these few days, i'm always used to drivin with baby beside me barking orders and giving me a tsk tsk look. so driving all the way to jurong with baby beside and amelia behind was alright. den the ride back only me and amelia. tt's what makes me so scared cos like i ve a life in my hands. ahaha, amelia darling also said first time sit car dun feel safe. i'm sorry. but still, i'm very very proud of myself. tampines to jurong and back. thanks amelia for being there and thanks for tt sweet sweet gift. hahahaa!!! dental floss ya!?

still.. i'm proud myself. and i'm sure baby too. hahaha.. and yes amelia too!!! my first official passenger!

When we have nothing better to do on the train. i love this boy of mine so much.

The christmas present from my baby-- the latest generation of ipod nano. It's smoking pretty, cos it's red!!!! I love it so so so so much!!! and thanks my baby, for the sweet engravings behind the ipod. makes it so so so special. i'm in love with it!

i think ever since cab fares increased, this form of public tranport is for the rich, not the late.

basically, there are only 4 categories to sum up all guys.

the first type is a bloke. a bloke is someone insensitive to girls' needs, maybe a little mcp, definitely not a girl's best friend. don't think this kind of guy is very bad. they should be pretty manly, like 100% guy tt kind and should also be more or less quite responsible. cos they believe they are the man in the house and would take responsible. like what someone say, bring the food home type of guy. but there are others who might argue, are blokes the male versions of blondes? i wonder...

next would be the metrosexual type of guys. needless to say, everyone should know what they are. totally different from a bloke. care about looks. maybe spend more time in the toilet and changing room than a girl. but these guys just happen to care more of how they look and i guess these type of guys would definitely be girls' best friends. easily mistaken as not straight...

smack right in the middle would be the bonds. bond coming from James Bond. A good guy, a guy who know what a girl wants and what a girl needs. a charmer i would say, can totally sweep a girl right off her feet. diff from a metrosexual would be that, they still carry a air of charm, manly charm. this category makes everyone's perfect or dream guy? many prince charming type of shows all depicts such a character.

and the last category will be gays of course.. and like what one would say.. gone. haha.... no offense of course. but i dun ve to explain the last category.

the long anticipated pasta. also my first dish to my baby ever and yet, after such a long time, we got a huge diappointment. used the wrong pasta sauce due to my wanting to be daring and try new stuff and it turned out very sucky. seriously, i think it tasted like bean sauce. you know the chinese bean sauce? but baby said it tased sourish due to the many pickles in the sauce. whatever it is, it's bad. we didn't finish it. sorry baby, i promised ur block leave pasta will be much better. and tt my skills will be back!

tonight is a night with such fond memories. like star awards with amelia. knowing she's on the other line watching star awards, i hope, probably as crazy and critical as i am. like like our ooohs and ahhhs, our this one unexpected! tt one dun deserve it! ahahhaa...... seriously, baby dun undnerstand.. but what are11 year friends for.. or issit 12!? and psssst amelia, he said we are bimbotic!! cos we critisize people tt way!

it's also a night when i get to tok to baby while he takes bus back and then hang up the phone saying, msg me before u sleep. hahaha.... but the only difference is i dun get to see him tmr like in the past. still, i'm very much looking forward to a beautiful week with him. especially the coming wednesday.

lots and lots of love! give me one more kiss!

finally the long awaited singing session. it brings back so much memories. singing is never enough with ur best girlfriends. it's like who cares about pitch and all, who cares whether you know how to sing or not, it's the company tt matters so much more. gosh, i miss singing with them already. please make it often (i know it's just a wishful thought). nonetheless, i can't wait for the 22nd to come.

after which, amelia and i supposedly go shopping but couldn't find anything. den den den... we went thai express for dinner den den den we ordered normal stuff for dinner. after which we just stayed on, chatted den den den we were tempted by some people eating pineapple rice beside us den den den we simply order more food. seriously, i feel so fat. i wanna go on a diet!!!!!!!

no more food for leona ever again.

i'm really looking forward to 20th, or maybe i should only look forward to one day as it comes. i love planning, i love to organise stuff, i love to have things to look forward to. things tt i can write in my organiser and wait for to come.

maybe tt's why i dun like last minute stuff. i dun like planning and organising when the people i plan and organise for might have a chance to be absent. not present. never mind, we'll see how it goes. it's going to be a very common phrase coming out from me for the next 2 yrs.

pardon my mood, i m slightly disappointed.

but i am really looking forward to 20th still!! at least it wun be so near yet so far.

In the nick of time, I was saved.

Love is patient and kind;it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

-- 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4

Indeed when I seeked for the truth, I'll accept the truth and from now on, trust. In the short paragraph above, i realise there's many things that i lack, many things that i want to find meaning in. many things worth exploring and many things to enhance the meaning of love. i'm glad i was shared with this paragraph, when i focus and meditate upon the words, minor things did not seem important anymore. indeed, once again, when i leave it in the hands of God, he'll always show me the way. it's really a test of trust. in God and in love. and i thank the one up there for showing me and teaching me this valuable lessson.

and also to my precious one, you have no idea how nervous i was before the whole thing and how relieved i was after the whole thing too. but i'm happy that things turn out how they did. so please don't love me lesser cos i worry more and more each day. hee...

i'm startin to lose whatever happiness i have left in me. i feel energy slowing sapping out of me. sleeping starts to be a huge problem to me and waking up is such a dread. i just want to get myself wasted every night. to drown all this uncertainties away.

will you just help me one more time? give me one more chance. please don't lie to me.

for two days, i've been hanging on to something that really makes my day, and sweeten me and something that makes me really really happy. but then for the past two days, i've been brooding over over some stuff. there's some inner struggle going on. i don't like this feeling. why is it that happy feelings cannot last? why issit that everytime at the peak of my blissfulness, something has to happen to rob me of my happiness? am i destined not to be happy for long in my life.

maybe tt's why everytime when i am really blessed and happy, i'm very scared. cos everytime after being happy comes unhappiness cos somewhere got there happiness just doesn't belong to me.

but at this point of time, i've come to terms with the situation already. i love him too much to sacrifice everything. to bear with everything, to swallow everything even the remaining very little of my pride. at least i know now that i loves him and that i'm happy. of course i hope i give him that kind of feeling too but what matters is that i put my whole heart into it. and i know i can face my own conscience.

i'm trying to be happy again. maybe missing him makes things worse. actually, i don't know which is worst, missing him or not getting answers. but like what i say, i love him, i should be willing to give up whatever thoughts, ideas i have.

Dear God, i hope he know this. know that i am really happy with him, know that i really want to love him in everyway i can, with every ability i know. know that i only want the best for him and know that i really want to cherish him better and treasure this relationship i have with him. and i hope he noes i wanna trust him and that i wan him in my future.

and thanks for those who consoled me in one way or another. let's hope everything will turn out fine.

angel dearie, you have no idea how happpy you made me by tagging the 3 messages i saw. now i know, not only do i need sugar intake, i need to feel loved by my friends. loved and remembered!!! cos i m really happy after seeing my tags!! i love u angel.

i know why am i not happy all the time... i've low intake of sugar. someone say before.. sugar makes one happy right?? i'm rejecting sugar. i used to be able to share one tub of ice cream with baby, but now, just a few mouths i would think it's too sweet. i dun ve a sweet tooth, thus i m not a happy girl.

i'm learning how to be thanful so i'll start with this really small thing. thanks baby for the mango. =) not cos it's nice to eat but cos u bought it, cut it for me. and to add on, cuttin in in cubes not really easy to eat. if u are reading this.

thank you

(edited)

thanks angel dearie.. now at least i noe i have uuuuuuu =) btw, u are not replying my msn!!!

i was wondering why i dun blog so often anymore. then i chanced upon someone's blog and she has like details what she and her bf do all day. well, as a matter of fact, i think she meets her bf everyday so it's like details of everything tt they did. right to the most minor details. it's like to be filmed for a movie type. then i was thinking, actually, i can blog my weekends out this way too yea? but then again, who's actually interested and wants to read and know what me and baby does for the weekend??

i used to think staying over for the night, or staying over at ur significant half's place symbolises.... naughty stuff. i guess tt's what mummy thought initially.. but i m enjoying our brief weekend of living in together. trust me, my room is becoming half his to the extent that he buys new stuff and leave it at my place, not even bring home?? i used to think we must hug, cuddle to sleep... but i guess married couples of 10 yrs dun do tt anymore right? but ya, we dun do tt anymore.. cos now, i sleep before he does. he's infactuated with the computer on every sat night. which explains everyone, why i cannot be found online sat night and i have to sleep early cos we need to wake up for early chuch. but sleeping early is good too cos i would ve energy to wake up and cook breakfast for him. okok.. am i describing every details here?

i have lotsa stuff going on in my head right now. i hope to deal with it soon, before the year ends as well as enjoy my december! my beloved dec. oh... baby say i have to write a list of my cravings... gosh, i wanna eat sashimi, steamboat, dtf, good prata, good pasta!! and the best part is i m gg on a diet tmr. =( darn it.

but i need to wave good bye to flabs, fats and say hello to a slimmer waistline. fundamentally, i need to buy new running shoes and yoga mat! tt's only basics.. i haven't mention weights, medcine ball, gym attire fron lonsdale!! (sorry peeps, i'm not hinting any gifts, it's to my baby) oh well, tt's if he reads it.... he wun be back till sat. no calls, no anything..

=/

i slowly realised whenever i am happy, i tend to forget people around me, forgot what makes me happy, forgot it was people who made me happy and become obnoxious. this is very bad because i say things i dun mean that way, and i care very little how others feel. whenever tt happens, i act like such a brat and start to do things and say things which i terribly regret after that.

i forgot it was people who made me who i become today. i m so heartless, cos i forgot to show people appreciative gestures, i forgot to tell people thank you and i forgot what's the most basic thing to do to keep r/s between people workable.

i m starting to dislike myself. if ever one day i were to die friendless.... i know why.

sometimes i get really angry. i mean some people really like to make empty promises. it's as if i am just a piece of dirt to them. like me... piece of dirt. those people only know how to hold their dignity high up, and trample on mine as if it were just a speck of dirt. i can only give my rolled eyes and pathetic views to being h*m*ly. gosh... i am really very pissed off when i m not valued, esp when i value u so much i wanna keep this friend. grrrrrrrrrrr!! arggghhghghhgg.... i m really angry.

was watching this show and thinking alot abt modern era, abt r/s between ad womand and a man, also about friendship, kinship, etc. got me thinking quite abit. maybe i will share them again when i m in the mood to type. meanwhile, i need to cool off abit cos i m still really angry!

i was told, taught and reminded constantly that i have to be thankful for things around me. somehow, this is really a challenge to me. cos i really don't know how to. maybe the only thing that i wanna be thankful for today is tt im glad that spring chicken i bought tasted nice. and i'm glad chin's here to share with me.

i know it sounds so ..... but yet.. i cannot find anything to be thankful for tosay or tmr.. or the day after next. there's this huge load inside me that i dunno how to drop. and it's pressurising me to the limit mans.

i rather be studying for exams, doing whatsoever.. so as long as i noe i will be ok. i just wanna try not to think so much, be simple and happy. why issit more complicated now.

Firehouse - Love don't care

Little girl, face all black and blue
But she knows better
That's not the way a man should treat you
But that's ok, she'll change her life tonight
She's leaving him
For a woman who will treat her right

And everybody needs somebody
She could be with anybody
Doesn't matter if it's not another man

Chorus:
Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
If you ain't hurting anybody
And if you feel it deep inside
Then love don't care who you love
Don't care who you love

Little girl, she's no sister, she is white
But she loves a brother
Takin' him home to meet her folks tonight
Mom and dad don't understand
We're all the same inside
They just don't realize
That love is always colorblind

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
It's not the color that makes the man

Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
Don't let anybody tell you
That it's wrong if it feels right
'Cuz love don't care who you love
Love don't care

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
So love someone who makes you happy

anyone wanna do xmas exchange with me??? i'm so in the mood.. first on my list is of course my longest friend.. amelia!! ahaha

recharged after the weekend. looking forward to the dec holidays

two places i really want to go on holiday right now and they both begins with T. however, my dream holiday would be to go with my friends.. or nic. both seemed quite impossible somehow... =/

i really hope you'll be ok.

immersing myself in jay chou's new songs. some are really fantastic. like some notes, phrases, words, chords just strike some emo-ness in me.

waiting is never a good feeling. simple things like if i was waiting for a call, i wouldn't dare to go bathe or do anything else but wait for that call. if it's fruitful, then never mind, but if the call i was waiting for never came, won't i be wasting my time. friends are now all studying for exams, stressing, rushing to meet project deadlines yet i'm still struggling here, looking for meaning in my life. i was just telling amelia moments ago that casting lots of obligatory stuff that i have to do, i'm pretty much leading a life of a solitude. i'm still very much the same little girl i was years ago, just that i kind of managed to cover it up over the years. but when i peel off everything that's on the surface, i'm still that me. no where here or there.

i'm asking for directions.

at times, at certain points of my life, i feel quite lost. and right now it's one of them. i feel like everyday is going pass like a haze, blur and i cannot see what's in front of me. i lost something in my life, something that pushes me and tell me how to get out of this haze. i don't know what am i doing every day. and precisely because of this feeling, i've been doing some reflection.

i guess what bb said is right. i m self centred and when i'm like that, i get pretty outrageous. i forgot all my basics. and i can get pretty mean. i always ask baby to be more this more that, when i m not doing so myself. it's like whenever i get so close/intimate with someone, i tend to put down all the formalities and go beyond that. beyond tt line.. going overboard. is this just me? i think i really need to put in some thoughts and make some changes. i'm pretty lost about my life.. and i'm pretty lost about what i value in life. and being in the haze, i lost quite a few stuff and people.

i need some guidance. something to guide me out of this.. and to start somewhere afresh. no matter what others do, i should be able to look back at what i did and say i tried my very best.

i really really want to go jay chou's concert!

a nice public holiday spent. caught "The Game Plan" with the baby. very nice show. makes me feel like being daddy's little girl again. was asking baby if it induced some paternal instincts in him. haha.. what was i thinking? this baby of mine is such a woodblock. i would be surprised if it even induced any emotion in him. but i know both of us enjoyed the movie very much. was freaking tired after the show, wanted to cab home and it was so diff to hail a cab. what a shame.. both of us can drive.. yet we had to spend quite some time waiting for the cab. okok.. this was EVE of public holiday.

woke up this morning, went to get breakfast together.. then came home to slack. i like to spend a day no rush, no book ins..... but no choice, he had to book in tonight. now.. it's sat that i m looking forward to.

leona's a happy girl. a good break starting since sat. after my disasterous theory exam on sat, i decided not to give any hoot about it anymore. so lunch with chin at j8. haha... j8 always brings back memories... all the ij times and all. and j8 changed alot too. nothing much, went home after that to wait for my hon.

sat night was deliciously good. ahahha.. not the food part, it's the company and all the talks. all the old war stories by two old men. haha... entertaining i would say. but if hun was the one who told stories, it might be just half as entertaining only. haha.... oops. hope he doesn't read this. anyway.. am glad amelia is there with me. everything seemed so nice. 2 guys and a girl.. is simply not as nice as two guys two girls.. not a date.. but i love the feeling. my so called double date.... in inverted commas.

feels good to see him lying beside me everytime i wake up on sunday morning. i usually sleep before him because he wants to use the com to play games, check this and that. and i'm tired so i sleep first. but in the morning, i opened my eyes to his back. yes... we are not the typical couple who hugs to sleep. we end up each facing diff side. backside to backside. ahahhaa... sad yea? can u imagine? now single bed already like that, if ever next time we get bigger bed, the gap between us will just become bigger and bigger and bigger... infinity mans! ahaa.. putting that aside, it feels good to wake up together, and go church. life's greatest bliss. =)

den he book in but this week will not be so long. there's deepavali. first time in my life public holidays became so important.. and i cherished every one available esp in this past two months. so leona is a blissful and happy girl. for now. who knows what's going to happen in the future? bu at least i m grateful i am happy for now.

oh.. and i got my license!!! yippppeee!!! should have gone to join subaru contest!! for my car. i miss my baby.. =)

was listening to this radio broadcast programme on my way home. someone wrote in and said the person she liked is together with someone else. then she went on to say how sometimes love can be so sweet yet at other times it could be bitter and painful. and sometimes it hurt so much that u can't even cry. the tears just wouldn't flow.

it's just like having a crush. things were so simple then. u just yearn to see him. and just the sight of him daily, even once a day is enough to make ur day and sweeten it up. and if this crush is someone u know, there's even more chances to get sweeten up. like toking to him, or him showing random concern. and him just smiling at u, saying hi. all those feelings just slowly build up and the sweetness could already attract all the ants around u. then when u lay on the bed at night, thinking of the small exchanges u and him had for the day, even the sweetest dream cannot be compared already. then maybe u start braving up to want to tell him how u feel. however, this is only the sweet part.

what happen when u see him starting to hang out closely with other girls? what happens when u dun see him for more than a week? what happens if he stopeed showing u random concern, no more eye contacts, maybe even avoiding u? tt's when it gets bitter.. but what's painful is when you find that he got together with someone else. the one in ur dreams has someone else in his arms. now tt's painful, maybe even more painful than finding out he doesn't like u? then again it's objective. issit more painful to find out he's with someone else or more painful that he simply reject u?

i always feel very sad to find out people break up. unrequited love. or even 2 persons who deeply loves each other yet choose not to be together. being around with my silly baby has made my head plain simple. he taught me that something as complicated as love, is simply one plus one giving u two. sometimes his biggest merit is being simple... simplicity is the beauty isn't it? haha... i've decided to be silly with him too. nobody knows what will happen in the future.. if one day, something were to happen, and that i were to be saddened.. let it be. i can only grow from there. so since it's still the honey lovey-dovey sweet and happy phase, let it be too. but i'm really scared the day will come when i have to be hurt and be in pain.. okok, the last part was unnecessary.

anyway, am really really glad i passed my driving!! happy, elated, excited... can't wait for baby to come back from field camp to share this piece of news with him. 4 months of money, hard work has certainly paid off! 4 long months!!! but finally!!!

say helllo and congrats to the new qualified driver!

i've just been struck by lightning. took me a while to recompose myself. gosh... is that a sign already?

time to toughen up. no time to waste.

I'm in a mood to:

1. watch cheesy flicks like love comedys to cry my eyes out.
2. give lots of hugs and receive hugs
3. buy flowers to brighten up my house, like my all time fav, sunflowers
4. do nothing, esp not going to school
5. hug all my stuffed toys and smile like an idiot
6. do nothing except recollecting the past
7. lay on the sofa, get my ass bigger and do nothing but wait for the next day to come

okok... when am i behaving like an idiot!?? ahaha.... i'm in love!

down with the flu. baby say it's due to heatiness, every sign is present except fever. i'm like drinking more herbal tea than normal, trying to avoid heaty food (yes, the word is trying), yet, ulcer still there, caught the flu and now worst, got cramps. this is so sucky. esp the ulcer part. here's a part of the convo i had with baby just now.

me: dear, i think i need to take mc. cannot go school.
him: you don't need to take mc. ur school dun wan to go then dun go lo.

i'm just finding all sorts of excuses just not to go school, and feeling alright abt it. luckily for me, hari raya saved me for feeling guilty once. how many hari rayas are there? school can be a drag, don't ask me why. i hope these 2 yrs will pass faster, for me and for baby.

this is the start of yet another cycle. right after baby book in, there's this renewed rust i have in him. then as the week passes, i start to miss him till slowly, when the missinh gets so bad, the trust start to wear off.. den i start to feel insecure about this whole thing.. then when the day dear books out, i would find a dread to do anything but just wait for his return. den when i finally get to see him, life just got by in a blur. everything happen so fast till the end of the cycle and the start of the another cycle. so yes, now i'm at the beginning of the cycle. the cycle is regardless of time, cos sometimes there's one week confinement.. den i actually just miss him alot. but the past 3 weeks was crazy. thus, i came up with this cycle theory.

nonethess, i found this new trust faith in him. i dunno how. went to church today and Father was toking about being grateful. i had my bumps, my rough period of times but things all turned out well, the way they should be. the way i know i wun have regrets. so i should be thankful.

i should be thankful that classes are starting well now, no more hiccups. i should be thankful that i finally got my tb and thus, i should start studying now. i should be thankful that i ve my frens around now and then to chat, to meet up... actually, thinking i should be thankful in particular to chin and amelia. =) i should be thankfukl that baby is fine and safe in army. i should be thankful that God sent him to me and walk with me a life worth living for. i should be thankful how much he loves me and it's only fair that i give him back the amt of love and trust. n the list goes on....

so hope i'll recover soon, never like the feeling of sneezing my nose off.

good nights.

i m so happy!! baby is fine!! i m fine.... and I've got a lonnnnggg weekend.. and baby might come out tmr.. or sat!! but i m happy!! yipppee to hari raya!! no class on sat!!!

all relieved for nothing. and because baby cannot read reports still talk like he can read. i had my doubts but i trusted that he could tell whether ok or not. silly baby!! =/

after a spending a night worrying, i'm finally relieved. sunshine over rain! my baby is fine. =)

my health is deteriorating and so is my level of fitness. i'm growing fatter. while nic is growing healthier and fitter, his gf is growing fatter, and more unhealthy! fatness is a thorn in any women's flesh. I WANT TO SLIM DOWN!

today in the hawker centre, while eating alone, i thought of many things. just some random thoughts. like we noe birds wake up very early in the morning. but actually what time do they sleep?? what's the last timing we usually see the last birds around? like i said, they are random thoughts. i'm going to try keep my mood high up until sat! and wait for him to book out!

4 more days to go!! still no dateS!

i should blog once in a while when my mood's good. then at least people who reads my blog won't keep thinking leona is such a sad girl. too sad and never getting over it makes one pathetic. i dun wanna end up that way.

so yes, i'm happy. happy why? cos i finally got the cd i want and listening to it right now. happy cos my baby is surviving in army and i just visited him yesterdat. happy cos i've done all my tutorials except one. one tt i've been procrastinating ever since.. and still procrastinating. but shall not let tt affect my happy mood. happy cos i dun feel broke. happy cos this week has not began. monday is not the start of the week for me. tues den is. and sat is my end of the week by the way. happy cos mummy just went ntuc and bought so much things to stuff the fridge, like finally. no more empty fridge. happy cos i just ate mango cake! yummy. happy cos today's rain cleared the humidness in my house. and the list goes on. i'm too lazy to type,.

basically, i cannot wait for my baby to come back. sat.. tt's like 5 more days! counting down...

and why is no one asking me out to chill when it's such a stressful period... =(

Dear God, please grant me the strength.

i should post some entry in order to not seem to be like showing off my new phone. haha...

i've lots of things to do, really. but i cannot help but let my mind wander. my mind is in a mess. i don't know what to think and what not to think. what seemed to be right may be wrong and vice versa. i keep having aimless thoughts that naturally cannot conclude. i have difficulty staying focus because of that.

i really have lots of things to do.

Nokia 6120 Classic. My new temporary phone before i get my dream one.

the day started out lovely. cause we wanted to prolong the day by spending more time with each other, we woke up early for the church, first session of Sunday's services. time flies and before we knew it, the 11 days belong only in our memories. it's been fun, sweet and due to the fact that i'm having serious mind block, it's nice x1000000000. can't seem to find a word for it now. then a steamboat to end off the night. =)

Anyway, like i always said, life still goes on and time won't stop for anyone. 2 weeks of school has passed and i'm more or less settled in it. more or less confirmed and decided my modules. and now it's like studying time. time to get my life back to the original track i made. Of course like any other human being, i enjoyed this mini break i had together with my baby, yet finding it hard to face reality. finding it hard to get back on track. after getting used to him not being ard, there's this break and i had him all to myself. and now, i've to get used to it all over again, only this time, it might be tougher than the previous.

this pang of loneliness i feel all over again. and sadness as well. it's not because he's going back to army and all. it's just nice that i had somone to depend on during these 2 weeks of adjusting phase. nice to have someone who waits for me. nice to have someone whom i know will always be there when i need. nice to have someone to give me the warmth, to remind me there's nothing called loneliness in my life. he always claim the one in army is the one who suffers most. but from my point of view, it's the one waiting outside. because.. in army, u dun get to think. u dun ve time to think. so who's the one who would be thinking all day long, all the long nights, it's yours truly. i need the strength, i really do.

just some whining i want to get off my chest. i'll be fine. i have things to occupy me. i always do. just a matter whether i want to do them or not. my list of things to do will never be completely empty. and i've mr smiley to accompany me anyway. reality hits. it's time to start on that track.

This is a relatively important picture... not because it has the both of us taken nicely inside but it's important cos of the logo behind. if u notice, that's sakae and our food for most days... dear dear is crazy abt jap food. now, we even have the sakae card!

Happy 20th monthsary!

my army boy

his army haircut.

first week of school is over and i'm in a much calmer mood than compared to first day of school. so at least when i describe the first day of school, i won't be cursing and swearing all the way. yes, it was that bad but it's all over.

so yes, the school screwed up very badly on monday. made me wait for a total of close to 3 hours for my class to start. i m not familiar with the school. but i do know how terrible their admin help is and how high their turnover rate is. i don't even know if they know their work or not. guess i got to figure my way around here and hopefully settle in soon. am i useless? i always feel like that in a new environment. helpless, lost and insecure. always feel like giving up. i know in the future, things will not be so bad.. but the start is so hard. it's really tiring me. =/ i never allow myself to regret but maybe this time round.... don't get me wrong. the lecturers are great! very helpful, the facilities can do. just that, i dun feel like i belong. the sense of belonging and security is not there. that's what so bad about the school. how can they actually make their students feel this way??

having said enough, somehow, i know God is always very kind to me. in this really bad first week of school, i had one of the best week together with me baby. he passed out on tues and awiting for results to see where is he going to be posted to. spent every single min and sec together. haha.. for lost times. but i'm really glad for his support and company during this whole week. =) once again, life is always balanced. am enjoying myself and i don't know why, we are not eating cheaply this whole week!! which is really bad..... i'm starting to feel guilty. for all the fats i know is going to accumulate. yucks man! apart from that, loving every min of it. in fact, our Golden weekend starts today. haha.. my name for it. cos we're gg to spend the whole time together till monday. maybe i should start cam-whoring with him... so can post some latest pictures up of him. will see how.

i'll pull through, won't i? things will work out just fine, won't it? need all the help and support i need. help would be nice like tell me where do i get tbs! don't care if it's second hand or not... i need to buy textbooks! haha....

finally, the day has come (and i'm not talking abt yan's birthday). the last day of my freedom, also known as the last day of my baby's torturous imprisonment. how ironic, i know. I'll be starting school official tmr. actually, i'm not nervous or whatever, i'm just afraid that screwed up place will mess it up for me and that i've more things to settle and deal with after which. that's precisely why i dislike that place. so much.

i've always been an extremist and an idealist. i dream of perfection. and also how many things should be like. like i always feel, new school term means new stuff which explains the numerous of bags i have, some only used for one school term. and also how love should be like. how a couple in love should be like. or how the feeling of love should be like. i know this is not the right way but in my life and in my dictionary, these are the definitions i have. maybe that's why i always tend to think too much, cos in life, many things are so not up to standard. and i get disappointed and such disappointment would lead to unhappiness. maybe as i start uni, leading a different phase of my life, i should change my mindset. i should just work hard towards my goals. expect less and give more. maybe then, i would be happier, i hope. but being an extremist i would still stick to it. i want nothing more the the best. either i do it or not. and if i do it and put in all my effort and work, i know i will get it.

yes, this is my attitude to start school. sounds good, hope it'll be really good. and to my baby.. welcome to civilisation for ten straight days!

I will not say things such as getting married, forever and ever or anything else that relates to it anymore. I don't think I am ready for it and frankly speaking, I know hardly anyone will be ready for it at a age of 20 but what I meant is that, my love has not matured to even a stage where such thoughts could be entertained. so who exactly was I trying to kid? myself? or just hanging on to the one simple fact, solid it may seem but who knows may dissolve and burst one day?

It takes alot to love. Love is something that happened. We don't know how but it just did and it's sweet but it doesn't mean that could last forever. Anything that we want to last must involve effort and work being put to it. We want good grades after our first decent paper means putting in extra efoort to maintain and to push it to greater heights. Therefore when we want our love to last, effort must be placed in as well. so at this point of my life, i'm not sure I'm ready to take it to that marriage level yet because there are lots of problems to learn and understand. I don't think i'm mature enough to want to take it to the level too. being that naive princess that i wanna be just wun work.

at the end of the day, i feel listening to talking is important. it takes two hands to clap. i've always wanted to be a person who's clear about what she wants and i guess i've attained that. I'm sure i know what I want, just the process seemed a little rocky. i have my own faults and I know that.

i don't even know should i begin this alone... or wait. i'm not the patient kind, tt's why.

Happy Birthday to me!

Thanks for all the well wishes from everyone. Each and every one made me smile and felt blessed. Thanks for remembering. Thanks to all my beloved girlfriends who celebrated my birthday for me. I made a wish for each and every one of you guys and thank God for having such friends. All of u are special to me. I understood what it meant that birthday w/o you guys meant birthday not celebrated properly. MUACKS!! love all lots! hahaa

At a ripe age of 20, I suddenly realise there's many things I want to do. Was thinking to myself, nothing in this life can be guaranteed. No one can confirm what their future will be like now. Even a millionaire, how can he be sure his fortune will last? maybe his son will cheat him of his fortune? maybe some woman will? or maybe he will lose it in one night? Let's say a business man, thier risks are higer, nobody can be sure that business will not fall, will florish. So i'm thinking, since there are so many maybes in this world, being now and living now is important. everything u do must be done w/o regrets. Cos with regrets, then i can be sure even in the future when u are succeeding, leading a life u wanted, you know that you had regrets. another thing is important,m life life happy. be happy every day because this particular day will not repeat itself anymore.

of course i'm not saying that we shouldn't put in effort to make our future a desirable one. I believe everything in life except r/s, we reap what we sow. but there's still luck involved. we need effort, we also need a teeny weeny bit of luck. so apart from building our lovely future, be happy everyday! =)

I felt i just made a birthday speech!!! hahaa

i thought i will be fine giving tuition on my birthday but on the actual day itself... i wished i had pushed it to another day. supper anyone? spend the last 3 hrs of my birthday with me?

a really eventful day i would say. one that i enjoyed alot even though i didn't get to watch the fireworks this weekend after all.

we struggled to climb out of bed this morning due to time constraint that we calculated. me not so bad, cos i slept before him last night. so after rushing round the house to get ready, we finally left. ate dtf for lunch then after which watched movie. then head down to katong for Big Fish. haha... we walked quite abit of distance to reach BF cos baby made a mistake with the bus we took. we walked till my legs nearly gave way. sumptous dinner!!! if only i wasn't so full, i would eat their lovely dessert. after that, we walked to ecp. quite some walking distance.. through dark areas too. and i thought we're gg there to blow air... look at the beach.. but no.. we are there to walk through ecp and stop at MACs. hahaha.. so much for romance... but seriously.. if it were before he went army.. i might complain non stop abt it. but now, spending quality time is already enough.

i really enjoyed this weekend. and once again. how short this is. though baby cannot celebrate my actual birthday with me.. this is enough already. =) it already warmed and sweetened me. and i'm really really sorry for what happened. i deserve not to be given flowers yea? =/

loves

with a blink of the eye, Sunday is here again. the weekend pass really fast, especially this one but this week is not going to be that bad, because he's coming out on wed. then going back in on thurs and won't come out until the weekend that follow next week. and according to him, he cannot call back during field camp. i know i'm going to miss him badly during those days. what to do, he's in the process where boy turn to man! haha... later part of sundays is still quite sad, though both of us are getting used to it. although it might get tough especially when TOM is here. i only wish he can be back on 17th and 18th that week, cos got fireworks! it will be so nice if we manage to get a place by black angus or any restaurant along that way and await the start of fireworks. that'll be nice with my baby... even if no restaurant.. i still wan to watch fireworks!

this weekend, baby has been pampering me real. i forgot to draw money since he booked out all the way till he book in. so i've been eating out of his pocket and also shopping out of his pocket. feels goood. love that boy so much. too bad, we couldn't find the lovely covered shoes i'm so looking for. but oh well, it's all my fault.

nonetheless, hope wed will come asap!

and eve, if u are reading this.. where's my timetable!?

i always think twentieth (i've been typing for quite some time, i cannot figure out how to spell that, hope u guys get what i mean) birthday is very important. because it's like the first birthday towards prime. the BIG TWO. and yet, not necessary be a responsible adult like 21 yet. so you kinda get to enjoy best of both worlds. that's how i always feel. thus, i think 20th (why didn't i think of that before) birthday is very important. and i'm someone who always count down to my birthday one month before and get so excited about it. hee.. i think no one else gets more excited about my birthday than me. that's what i always think.

somehow, when the birthday that i so look forward to this year doesn't even cheer me up. i forgot about counting down, and i kind of dread it. it's sad. it's the day that leona was brought to this earth and that's the best thing worth to celebrate for me, isn't it? i feel sad. and it's not helping that, i cant even conjure out a list of things i want, cos i really cannot think of anything. this sucks! my precious day of the year....

i promise when i wake up the next day, things would be better. but i cannot stop the tears welling up each time i fall to sleep...

the weekend was short but sweet. when it ended, i felt like it was all a dream. a very short dream, a dream i rather have and rather not have. rather not have because it ended too fast and make me want more. the emptiness i felt seemed bigger than before. and i don't think it can be filled up any sooner.

life seemed pretty meaningless these days. maybe meaningless is not the right word, because i have goals and dreams and things to do. i need to study for my final theory, i need to get my driving license, i need to prepare for my grade 8 theory, cos i just pass my grade 7. i need to run errands for my boy, need to prepare this, do that but somehow, in the midst of all these stuff, the loneliness i feel deep within is there, no matter how much i ignore its existence. doing all these stuff, the feeling of emptiness is still there. i know it. it knows me. sometimes, even when i'm on a crowded street, with people all around, i still feeling so lonely that i wanna cry.

actually, some stuff can be really simple, ain't it? some people can live their life for one purpose and one goal. one person. then life is easy, because ur happiness and unhappiness all derive from one source. i am not such a person but am i becoming one. things suddenly become so complex and complicated, i don't know what can i do to live it simpler. to be self-fulfilling. suddenly, i'm reminded of myself in the past. but now, things are different. to work hard towards a goal is good, but the mental state must be there. the determined, never say die attitude must be there. then, such a person can be happy and everythine will seem meaningful.

i'm not there yet. but i know i'll get out of this mess real soon. because if i don't, this emptiness feeling will eat into me, will eat all of me.

happy 1.5 anniversary!

haha.... no celebration. just wanna mark down this day. let's see.... 5 more days to the 27th!

finally, oh finally, the chinatown eggtarts melting into my mouth. ooooh.. oh so delicious, it's so so so goood! the egg taste, soft, smooth and silky. woooo... very very nice. finally. =) my next cravings.. hee hee hee.. BBQ FOOOD! when can i go for a bbq party??? i want i want!!!!

the day pass so fast yet the night seemed so long. mummy say i'm leading my life in a non-meaningful way but i beg to differ. my days are always packed. nicely packed i would say but the night always seemed so long. i'm pretty much of a person who loves sleeping in than sleeping early. it's only in the night that thoughts flood my mind, and loneliness creep in. let me count down.. one more week, i miss my baby.

wadever it may be... it has been a good week no matter what. =)

tonight when i talk to my boy, i feel sad. dunno why. after the past few nights, i thought i will feel fine, but when i talk to him tonight, i suddenly felt sad. i wished i could help him in some way or another. he sounded so sick and tired. i don't know in what way can i show my support more. like... i'm not in his situation, i won't understand. yet i wished i could help more. =( i dunno wad else i can do.

on a lighter note, ah chew dessert tmr!

cravings: EGG TARTS FROM CHINATOWN

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

A teacher of the Law came up and tried to trap Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to receive eternal life?"
Jesus answered him, "What do the scriptures say? How do you interpret them"
The man answered, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind'; and 'Love your neighbor as you love yourself.' "
"You are right," Jesus replied; "do this and you will live."
But the teacher of the Law wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, "Who is my neighbor?"
Jesus answered, "There was once a man who was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho when robbers attacked him, stripped him, and beat him up, leaving him hald dead. It so happened that a priest was going down that road; but when he saw the man, he walked on by on the other side. In the same way a Levite also came there, went over and looked at the man. and then walked on by on the other side. But a Samaritan who was travelling that way came upon than man, and when he saw him, his heart was filled with pity. He went over to him, poured oil and wine on his wound and bandaged them; then he put the man on his own animal and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. 'Take care of him,' he told the innkeeper, 'and when I come back this way, I will pay you whatever else you spend on him' "
And Jesus concluded, "In your opinion, which one of these three acted like a neighbor toward the man attacked by the robbers?"
The teacher of the Law answered, "The one who was kind to him."
Jesus replied, "You go, then, and do the same."

- Lk 10:25-37

I'm glad i fought my laziness and went to church today.

Cravings: Green bean soup

silly me, i got quite overwhelmed when my baby call me today. hee.... one full day without seeing and talking much feels pretty wierd. i guess i'm so so so attached to him lo but then i will survive la. i've got things to do. just no mood to go do them.

went out for lunch with xin den late dinner with amelia. when he's not around, i dun even feel like eating. hope i slim down..

metro having 50% closing down sales at tampines!! anyone interested?

and when are my dates!!??? why no one ask me out one?????

the day has finally arrived. and no, i did not go send him off. baby say it's too early for me and so asked me to sleep more. he just gave me a call this morning and all. tt's pretty about it. and since i'm still in my sleep.... i don't really recall exactly what we conversed. it's been less than half a day and i'm already missing him.

the past 2 weeks has gone by with only one purpose. everyday, we just want to spend more time together. no matter what we do, it's always together. until the last part, things got a little blurred. until last night.... i wasn't even thinking straight. not a proper goodbye i guess. hahaha... but tt's not important, i'll await his return. it's just 2 weeks.

now tt baby has finally gone army. it's time to plan my life and organise it. maybe i should start with my room. i m craving for some girlie times too. is everyone very busy out there?? no time for gatherings??? hmmmm.... date me date me date me leh!!!!

gotta go, get ready to go out lunch with xin

it's monday... that means 4 more days before my boy has to go in. and 3 more days to say bye to his hair. haha.. it's not going to make much of a difference to me. but i noe he already misses it badly. we spent quality time together, with every minute counts but then there were the many plans that we did not do, like ecp.... mustafa. ahhaaa.. okok.. all these are only my plans.. but still. i just wanna spend time meaningfully. but nonetheless, for the past one week or so, we kept eating goood foood. going broke soon.

anyway, i'm glad it's sunshine after the rain once again and rainbow could be seen. i'm just glad it's all over and out behind us. after all, i dun wanna be gloomy for the last week that we get to spend together. these times should be happy times ain't it. just hope we do understand where each other is coming from and try to fix it somehow. of course i want things to work out but it takes two hands to clap. one alone strength is never enough. okok.. enough of such stuff.. everything should start anew. =)

i love you, i really do. please make life easier when i'm tired and i need someone to depend on. i'll do likewise for you.

want to change blogskins.. but cannot find nice one leh.... maybe i will spend one whole day looking for one tt i really like. i hav all the time in the world after friday. girls out there.. date me out pleaseee.. =)

sometimes when i hear them discuss it the way they did, i feel quite disturbed. i don't know if somewhere out there, i was being discussed that way as well.

sometimes when i thought we were in it together, then i was wrong.

sometimes when i don't understand you, i feel it strains the both of us.

i guess only time can tell

our day at kushin bo.

he did this....

my boy and his new guitar. can it actually be seen clearly? it's blue and white. cool.... i actually have a video of how much he can play now, but i dun think he wants me to upload it. haha.. it's actually in my room, part of my property. next time anyone pay me a visit... or come my hse, feel free to play it. just dun spoil it! he will be angryy.. >(

haha... a update of bears i have now. a family of four. the last two are actually much smaller, maybe palm size but really cute. the last two came a little unexpected and on-the-spot. we just buy and go. haha

why no one leave me any tags??? no one reads about my blog or concerned about me anymore!???

okok.. life has been peaceful. hmmm.. hard to say it is peaceful when i have someone practising his guitar right beside me in my enclosed bedroom. haha.. note: i'm not saying his playing is noisy or sucky..... REALLY I AM NOT EVEN BEING SACARSTIC. i enjoy this little moment when i do my stuff and he practise right beside me and i cen reach over for a small kiss or hug. *blissful smile*

so little update here and there: my boy bought his guitar already. maybe i will upload a picture of it soon. since it's going to be permanantly in my room. with the amps and all.. and dear amelia.. amps means AMPLIFIER!!!! ahahhaa... it's something all electric guitar needs!! haha.. dun ever ask us wad's amps again ok!

life has been peaceful, blissful and fattening!! we do nothing but eat and laze around!! ahahha... but we'll be hitting the town soon. buy stuff.. shop... maybe go around eating good foood before he goes in. hmmm.. mabe i will really be bored after he goes in cos all my friends will be working or schooling but then.. i noe how to make my life happening. i think. i will try.

okok.. i got nothing much to sae.. maybe i will load some pictures sooon! if i take them la... hahaha

after reading two books consecutively about running away from enemies, dodging people who wants to kill you, hiding and all, i think if ever one fine day, somebody were to hunt me down, or has intention of killing me, i can make a pretty good escape and wild goose chase for those people! the last part of the book always draws me totally into it, when conspiracies are out and truths are known. and it just gets more and more tense with every minute. sometimes i think to myself, the world of the law can be so boring yet interesting. i should have stick to my dream when i was younger and pursue to be a lawyer. oh well, i guess those thick books and notes to memorise totally put me off. then again, lawyers in singapore isn't tt great anyway right?

sitting in the office all day long, with absolutely nothing to do made me think alot. like random thoughts here and there. who can blame me, i am bored ok. and i dun even dare to take my storybook out to read. i scared it appeared too what. furthermore, today is my last day, better leave good impression while i can. i mean i m already blogging or surfing and it's qutie bad. so i wouldn't want to go to the extend to actually take a book out to read. anyway, like i said, i've been doing some random thinking which lead me to nowhere. i've too much concerns and worries i guessed. but then again, maybe i should just let God lead me to where he thinks i should be and let him settle all those concerns and worries for me. I know God will do a better job than me.

what kind of a person do i come across to people? i wonder..... have i been significant in people's lives? will i be forgotten easily? i think and think as the time pass slowly. it's only early in the morning and i am already bored! last day can pass so darn slow. i m looking forward to tonight's dinner already! yummmy.....

It's the first week of the day and I'm not suffering mega blues like last week so I deemed that as a good sign. and it's all because my contract ends on 27th June, only 3 days away! Yes, cheer for me everyone. Cheer cheer cheer! Yes, I'm bored at work, and really excited about Wednesday coming. After I stop work, I'll try to blog everyday. Make it more updated for those loyal readers out there. Yes you, I'm talking about you!

Oh ya, before I go on typing nonsense since I'm so bored, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DEAR ANGEL! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DEAR DEAR XIN XIN! Ahhahaa.. I know xin won't read it. So never mind, angel, this is for you!!! Lots of hugs for you!!! Love you love you love you!

So, I'm going to end work soon but then I realised I don’t have time to meet up with everyone. sorry evelyn, think I'll visit you, together with sam after I quit. Even after I quit, I think I will miss golden shoe's food terribly. Seriously, I will. I am already craving for their fishmeat beehoon, that nice chicken rice stall tt I haven't try and nasi lemak!!!

Look at the many exclamation marks and u can tell I m not even suffering any blues. Mainly due to the fact tt I'm looking forward to the lunch I'm going to have later as well as the dinner celebration on later. So long never see all of us gather together. =) plus one new member.

Happiness is simple yet true. It's all around, waiting for us to feel it and to appreciate it and for us to recognise it. If you never try to forget all those daily troubles, never try casting all the frowns away, you'll never be able to find happiness. I treasure this happiness that I have. Cos it's so simple, pure, yet true. With my friends loving me and with parents around. And basically being alive with good health. Wad more do I dare ask for. I was being greedy all the time. Never acknowledging happiness and refusing it. But right now, I just want to put everything one side and feel happy! It's really tt simple! Hahaha…. =)

Okok….. I just want to share this happiness with everyone I noe. Love you all! MUACKS!

attitude is the most important thing i need to bear in mind. today's a good day... cos we are one month away from our 1.5 yrs. and today's a good day.. cos i said so

i've learnt something important today.

to love someone, you don't have to be with that person. keeping the person in the heart is enough.

"Would You Be Happier"

Woo

Did you ever wonder where the story ends, and how it all began,
I do (I do, I do, I do, I do)
Did you ever dream you were the movie star with popcorn in your hand,
I did (I did, I did, I did)
Do you ever think you're someone else inside,
when no one understands you are (you are)
And wanna disappear inside a dream but never wanna wake, wake uuuuuup
Then you stumble on tomorrow, and trip over today

[Chorus]
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine (gonna be just fine)

Are you not afraid to tell your story now,
when everyone is done it's too late (too late, too late)
Was everything you've ever said or done not the way you planned,
mistaaaake
So you promised that tomorrow, be different than today

[Chorus]
Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
You're gonna be just fine
I think you're gonna be just fine
You're gonna be just fine
So don't worry baby

You're racing for tomorrow, not finished with today

Would you be happier if you were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if you played a bigger part
Would you be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think you're gonna be just fine

Would we be happier if we were someone together
Would the sun shine brighter if we played a bigger part
Would we be wonderful if it wasn't for the weather
I think we're gonna be just fine
I think you're gonna be just fine

Don't worry baby
Gonna be just fine
Don't worry honey
Gonna be just fine
Don't worry baby
Gonna be just fiiiiine

Today is Monday and boy, am I feeling so freaking blue. Yes… this is equivalent to being in a bad mood. The don't feel like doing anything except sulking mood, the just wanna sleep in and watch tv mood, the wanna slack and let my ass grow bigger than it already is mood. YUCK! This sucks! Monday's the hardest to get over. Everything just shucks!! I hate this world, for making me work on Monday. This is madness!

And yes, I'm in a bad mood and I wonder how long it will last. Nothing to do in the office is not helping this foul screwed up mood of mine. I just wanna stay home and read my book, is it that hard? Hate Mondays, I hate Mondays. Then again, I was taught how to look on the bright side of things. Like luckily, no class tonight or else my mood will turn from blue to black.

And finally finally… I FEEL FAT!! YUCKS! Those ugly hips and thighs of mine…. Yes yes, the is result and punishment for being a glutton the past 2 weeks or more. ARGGGG!!! Having serious Monday blues and seeing a fat ass and thigh doesn't help !! =( SOBSSSS. I m a sad sad girl. I wanna scream, I wanna tear something, throw some stuff and suck out all the fats in me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just wan to sleep more……. Sobs. I hate Mondays. Seriously.

It's been such a long time since I blog and since I'm getting more and more efficient at work,, doing things faster and faster, giving myself so much free time, I've decided I'm going to blog in the office. It's pretty daring, since it's like morning and I'm sure everyone is rushing their work. Maybe if I blog in the evening not so bad, big boss gone and everyone relax, with music around. =)

Life has been pretty carefree after my night classes stop. I get to meet tt full of shit boy of mine like almost everyday. Sometimes I feel, life can be that simple and contented. Why bother to think so far ahead and worry all that might or might not happen? Why not just enjoy this moment. Everyone is happy at this moment and everyone is contented. Why not let it stay this way and stop causing trouble for people and for myself and just stay happy.

Seriously, I wish I could do it. I can, I'm almost there. But this stupid bug call insecurity keeps biting my heart. It's not things that people do, it's me. (what's new) when things go so well, I'm afraid it might end. When I'm happy, I worry this happiness is false and that it will end soon too. This bug is stopping me from seeking happiness beyond. I'm happy now but somehow I feel I can go further. I can be so much happier with I throw my worries one side. This is wad I seek.

Somehow, going to church and on every Sunday, I feel I'm closer to this real happiness I seek. It's a feeling beyond description but I know I truly cast everything aside and accept this happiness into me. I hope this is a good sign because I hope to keep this feeling there not only on Sundays but it can be spread over to everyday of the week. Haha.. but Monday can never be good. With Monday blues, nothing is going to make me happy and motivate.

I love that boy of mine and when he misunderstands or misinterprets me, I get real upset and hurt. Feels that he don’t understand. But God gave him to me to teach me how to love. You love someone not only when that person is sweet loving, mild tempered, reasonable and all. When you love someone, you love the person even when he is in a bad temper, no longer the sweet and loving person, when that person is ugly, ill mannered, you still love that person. You don't walk out on the person when that person is in distress and irritating everyone around him including you. That shows you cannot face this trauma with him, to leave him alone and all. That's wad makes love so beautiful. When a person's down, he feels most insecure during tt period of time, to walk out on him is the last thing you do to someone u claim to love.

I've got lots to learn but I'm willing to, for the one I love.

i m so freaking going to fail my paper... but i m darn scared. seriously.. it sucks man.. and i noe it's all my darn fault... i hate it i hate it.. and i hate waiting for results, knowing i will fail. i hate it !!!!!! and whining to people doesn't help..... cos i am still going to fail!!!! i seriously hate this feeling. YUCKS!

the more i read, the angrier i become. seriously, men who cheats on their wifes are just lowdown scumbags! and super big ones! they are nothing but jerks and dickheads who only think with the lower part of their bodies. suddenly, i wished i kept my dream as a lawyer. maybe now, i would want to fight for women whose husband cheated on them and i would like to help these women get more than half their husband's assets! i hate those men!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY THINKING MANS!!!!! I MEAN YOU HAVE A NICE WIFE AT HOME, WHOSE SOUL AND BODY ARE ALL YOURS. YOURS YOU KNOW, NO ONE ELSE!! maybe their bodies might not be that great.... naggy here..... irritating there... but at the end of the day, THIS WOMAN HERE BELONGS TO YOU!! YOU AND NO ONE ELSE!!! SO U THINK YOU GO TO SOMEWHERE FAR, HOOKED UP A LOCAL PROSTITUTE, JUST BECAUSE TT BITCH LOOK HOT AND YOU THINK NO ONE WILL FIND OUT?? U WILL BE FREE FROM GUILT???? WAD THE HELL. and that prostitute, does she belong to u?? is she urs??? NO!!!!!!! SHE BELONGS TO 365 MEN.... OR TWICE OR THRICE.. COS EVERY NIGHT ONE!!!!!!!!

seriously.... i m really very angry with these men. what's their problem!! why do some men just think with their lower part of their bodies! why why why... seriously, when a woman settle down and get married.. they are really giving everything to the guy they love. everything. and do the guys reciprocate??? what are they thinking???? so tt means wedding vows only apply to women, not to men??? how.. how could they bear to break this bond?? i seriously dun understand.

and further more, wad's the lowest scum of all is, get their happy one night stand, and go back to their wife. tt's like freaking hell dirty la!!!!! i mean if ur wife go get hooked by some guy..... u are fine?? u think tt's clean??? goshh... something soo sacred.. how could u share with everyone???

ARGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate men who cheat on their wives!! they should all be punished!! I HATE THEM!!!!

seriously.. from my point of view. .a successful man is not only one with wealth and career. he needs to ve balanced family life.. and a successful man is one who's strong enough to withstand temptations and remain faithful to the one they vow to love in front of God.

a nice home cook meal plus a silly boyfriend, plus friend whom i coincidentally met few blocks away from my house who pass me an appointment card and even volunteer to buy me supper, life seemed so peaceful and perfect now. all after a hard day's work.

work is really sucky now. i bit my lip, grit my teeth and pull through it every day. but with days like today, i think all is worth it. =)

nothing much to say. i m in love with the song... =) in love in love in love.....

i want to go australia!!!!!

sorry for the late updates! hahahha... lots of things happened last week, like the extreme fatigue i experienced daily, therefore i dun come online that often and of course there's the weekend getaway on cruise. nice time i spent. wished i could stay longer.. like sleep longer. ahhha, play longer, EAT MORE, drink more, get high, since my bf is around but too tired to even get high and have money for casino. just maybe one two rounds to try try. wanted to upload pictures for the cruise.. but i cannot seem to receive any pictures. amelia amelia amelia.. WHERE's MY PICTURESS?

so ya, after back frm the cruise, went back to work... and there's a public holiday like today, i realised my work place is really sucky. ultimately. maybe one of the factor is that i really want to spend more time sleeping, yes.. call me lazy. also maybe i wanna spend more time with baby but then again, it's that place that has problem, seriously. ahhaha.. went up with ex collegues and both of us realised how much i changed. my opinions towards the place and all. it's seriously the place. which explains why everyone wanna leave. it's the place.

everyone count down for me mans.... for the end of work tt's due on 27th june. i want to spend more time with my baby. before he goes army.....

dunno why, really wanna go hard rock cafe.. never been there before

STORY OF MY LIFE SUCKS! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE IT! I'M ALWAYS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I DO THIS ALSO WRONG, I DO THAT ALSO WRONG. ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IS SAY SAY SAY, YOU NEVER APPLY. GOSH..... YOU MUST HATE ME REAL BAD. YOU MIGHT AS WELL WISH I M DEAD. THEN NOBODY WILL GET HYPERTENSION. YOU MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL AND I MAKE URS BOIL DEN DUN TOK. I HATE MY LIFE I HATE IT SO MUCH I WANT TO END IT. NOTHING EVER SEEMS GOOD. I M JUST A SPOILED BRAT TO YOU. ONE THAT SPENDS WITHOUT THINKING. WAD DO U KNOW WAD U DO U KNOW!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING!!!!!! I ALREADY TRY!! NO ONE EVER SEE ME TRYING. NO ONE! I HATE YOU. HATE ME LA HATE ME. I DUN CARE

I HATE MY LIFE SO BADLY. I WISH I AM DEAD. DUN CARE DUN CARE. NO ONE SEE ME FOR ME. EVERYONE JUST WAN ME DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FREAK OFF. I M SO TIRED OF THIS SO CALLED SHIT CALL LIFE.

UIFGWEILHFLKJHDSFKLHKLAF QEOUHR08QHRFIOEWHR09Y1380RHYQ30HF0IWDCOHN XCBNDSBN FOEFIU SJFQIOIOASJOPJRI19481290473758943756983469824759072359823507325-786V94280YT8 Y4V9U3RHGIOHEPOHGRWQOHGPEHOQ

i guess it really feels good to manipulate the hearts of men. men are pretty easy to understand generally. at the end of the day, there are type A who are greedy, ambitious and will take any chances that are advantageous to them. there are also type B who are scared, are cautious and will rather take anything less risky. of course there's type A part 1 and 2. and also type B part one and two. just different types of type. haha.. if you know what i mean. at the end of the day, it's just these two types. not difficult to manipulate yea?

of course, being the one who's manipulated does not feel good at all. but then again, when one party gains the pleasure, the other usually don't.

it's that easy.

everything in life is THAT easy, either u are lucky or u are not. either u are the manipulator or you are not. either u have wad it takes or not. everything could be controlled. by ur ability, by ur luck. everything except love.

love cannot be manipulate, love cannot be controlled. love talks about giving and taking, balancing. therefore, it's not easy at all.

i'm diagnosed infection of the intestines. have no idea what that means but i guess should mean the same as food poisioning. feeling soo miserable last night, throwing up and diarrhea. and they always happen one after another, for a moment, i really tot i should sleep near the toilet to avoid too much walking in and out, cos it's soo tiring.

slight fever, which seem to go on and off. wind in the stomach. i need to lie down 24/7 mans. cos i feel quite weak. and mummy is irritating throughout this period!

i've got another day mc tmr.... i want to take it.. but feel ps to call office. i think they will want to kill me. i thought i will be fine by tmr. apparently not.

SICK.

my poor boy too. should really watch wad we eat in the future. i got mini phoebia of eating already.

and yes sandra!! it's soo qiao to meet u there. it's more surprising for me to see u there cos i stay in the area.... u dun! ahahaha..... before i went holy trinity tt morning, i thought i would see u in church.. but who knows, we met at petrol kiosk instead. HAHA..

temporary. this is all i can do with the little time on hand. can i hire someone as professional as C _ _ R _ L to do up a blog for me? =(

i like to know things that other people don't know.
i like to share things with others what they don't know.

maybe i really was that spoilt, bad tempered brat, who places no one else but herself first, self centred, selfish, never really care what others think, only those few selcted ones that she like then she care more.

but i know i am not like that now. people who know me see the change, people who care for me, can feel it. and people who watched me grow, would have noticed. God will know. because he's part of the reason why i changed. and most

now, randomly, i was thinking to myself. how did she know the relationship was blend. how did she judge. why did she think he treated her well because he was used to it. why did she think she wasn't the most important person to him anymore. how?

issit true that relationships cannot be tested by time.. cos most ended up blend. people can date ten years and only found out not suitable half a year into marriage. why like tt? the line between used to it and love is soo thin. how would i know how to judge. it will be saddening to leave after ten years.. but why would anyone want to stay in a r/s tt gone blend.

will it ever be like that?

anyway, thanks Joel for fixing my blog for me. and those cute hearts. was wondering since when the pink hearts turn grey.... haha

HELP!!! WHY MY BLOG LIKE THAT

yes, marraige is a wonderful thing. i agree with wad angel say. and wah.. wad a long long tag. i totally feel the same way about two persons getting together and eventually making the vow of love. the one that gives love a higher level, with committment and also, the promise of loving each other in diff times and happy times. and best of all, when u bear the fruits of ur love. beautilful...... i wish every of my friends out there will find true love. cos i'll be weeping for u girls. serious. love can be so beautiful... really.

and this is so unlike wad the 9pm show portray. haha.. but maybe that is then the reality. marriage might not be so pretty.. but i choose to believe. wad can be more beautiful then spending ur life with the one you love and the one who loves you.

okok..... back to my life... 1 down. 2 more to go. sick. tired..... and more sick.

my dear amelia... give me dates for cruise.. and preferably.... fridays... fri. sat and sun. and on top of that, wad time is the boarding of cruise usuallly..

i believe everything happens for a reason and some things didn't happen, also for a reason. i believe that things are all meant to be, so no matter how hard you try or fight for it, if it's not meant to be yours, it will never be. that's why i believe in sign, i believe that they are the link that help us connect the whole bigger picture.

gradually, i started to believe every little thing is a sign. i believe signs more than anything else... and that's where my negativity comes in. like the sky is dark this morning, and then i will think it's related to my mood or to the day that's going to come. and if the day really does go bad, i will think i am right. little did i realise is because i have such thoughts, that's why my day went bad, cos sub consciously, i'm already thinking the day would be bad. yes.. this i begin to understand i realise.

and when i cannot keep things under my control, i panic, i worry i get insecure. this is all part of negativity and i do realise it. this is a good sign because if i realised it, then i can change.... if i dun even know where the problem lies in, i can't do anything about it at all, right?

don't know why but after watching spiderman today, had lots of thoughts and feelings. like about responsibilities, about character.. about vengence, about forgiveness and abt relationships. like being together doesn't mean you are ready to be together. now i know why God created a man and a woman meant for each other only. like there's only one soul mate only. cos that's the soul mate that's gg to accompany you forever, to understand you like no one could, to compliment you, making you feel best like no one could, to pick you up when you are down and to share your joy when you're way on top. and to accomplish all these, to have all these traits, it's only that ONE soul mate. that is why when you found someone u love and feel that it's ur soul mate, do cherish it. he or she might be that one. and u wun want to lose him or her.

i am starting to believe more in these. and also about understanding and forgiveness..... is this God's works? I know he has already taken some place in my heart..... and i'm ready for more.

i wanna buy cushion!!! lamp!!! cD!!!!! random thoughts...

my love for salt this morning has caused me to choke on it and ended with a itchy throat.

woke up at 7am to study and picked a few question, skipped the difficult ones and leave it to the hands of fate. kinda quite happy that i finally figured out the lump sum and per unit thing so i slept at one. guess being with my boy for quite some time, i got a little influenced. i can no longer sleep that late... gets very tired everytime around 12 plus one. sometimes even 11 plus.

who's the person we should symphatise with at this time of my life? ahaha.. i just realised it's mummy. ever since i started working and needs to wake up at 7. she wakes up with me just to prepare breakfast for me. so far, her track record is she dun go to bed till i leave the hse... except once. after preparing breakfast, she directly hit the bed once again. otherwise, she always watch tv.. until i close the door. dunn wad she do after that. and also, last night, i thought i wan to burn some oil, asked her to cook supper for me.... she cooked instant porridge and i ate one bowl.. figured out my per unit stuff and told her i m tired and i wan to sleep. ahaha.. dunno wad she do with the rest of the porridge. and this morning, she cooked breakfast for me. with dishes and all.

i think ever since i shifted home, the most times she cooked will be those before exams. ahahha.. i THINK i dun recall a time when i went to examination hall hungry and all. always well fed. ahahha.... so yes.. let's give some applause to my mum. and ideas for mummy's day! haha.... want to show her some appreciation without the usual gems and flowers. so cliche already.... ahahha

on another issue, just wanted to say i never thought things would ever become like that. when i receive the msg this morning, felt quite sad. but since things have already come to like that, i will just take it as it comes. maybe some things will change in the future? i dunno but i certianly hope so. i dun want to noe where the problem lies in.. or where did it started. those seemed not impt anymore.. cos at this point... things are already not the same. it's a fact already.

haha.. many many foiled chocs.. i like i like. love it when u girls have a mini convo. why? cos every entry i read down, it makes me smile, laugh. and curious... wad's with the cel thing?? something to do with her ex-s? hmmm.. or her taste? we both know it's her taste tt's gone all wrong! ahahha.... now, being mean dun sound like pumpkin already right?

after all the sweet lovey-dovey period.... it's down to earth and the first thing that greet me on earth is this. i thought i was being genuine and people who knoes me should know i am genuine. maybe my sincerity is not enough? being frank and open leads to misunderstandings after misunderstandings? maybe being so used to my girlfriends, i talk without thinking cos i noe they would understand. i guess.. this is not how the way we be genuine? maybe.. we should never have start this frank.

yes.. promise not to think about it already, yes yes.. think of bridging.... ECONS ECONS ECONS.

apart from that... work is going on real fine these days. getting the hang of it. paywise is good too. if not, 1/3 of it goes to baby.. it will be best!

i think i'm going to get this after all, if singapore really have. baby claims singapore have.... but i still prefer the other!!!

if singapore really have, like wad baby claims, then this is my first month pay reward. =) not as pretty as the one before but ok lor. settle for second best. haha..

it's gg to be a tough 3 weeks ahead. first sat.. i've my econs paper. second sat, my theory exam, organ theory... not car, then third sat, is ta paper. dun even noe why i taking it... but ya. haha.... 3 weeks of hard work. den after that, myabe cruise.. HOR AMELIA??? den since baby cannot go o holiday anymore, myabe go for some chalet. i WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. trust me. anything's possible when we have the cash. right, baby....

told mummy i started gg churh. quite surprised she accepted it pretty quickly. =) her worries and questions and concerns happen to be mine too... which i will explore.. then answer her one by one.

due to angel's special request, i shall let in a little about my pre celebration yesterday. went aglio olio. the place is even better after the renovation and the food is goood. baby think soo too. he judges the place by their steak. i ate linguine vongule. SUPERB. haha.. and their sepcial brownie.... ahahah.. damn cool. got to try it mans. anyway... the couple beside us are actually on a blind date! half the time when baby and i are toking, we are actually listening in on their convo. i think it's damn funny la.....

after which, baby bought me this chocolates, tt looks too good to be eaten. chocos might not be my cup of tea. only angel's and baby's cup of tea... but i will eat those chocs.

it's gg to be a good week. i just noe it.

I LIKE!!! BUT SINGAPORE DON'T HAVE... =/

when i logged onto my blog and saw three foiled chocs, i thought angel and amelia having a mini convo again but ta-da... i see my sweet baby's message too. =)

haha.... seriously, we're over the honeymoon phase aren't we? so why do i still feel so blissed just to have u by my side and to meet you a few hours at night? actually time passes so fast, before we noe it, we're enjoying each other's company during the weekends again. monday blues... grumble.. and den weekends... ahaha.. a v short cycle. but seriously.... it makes everything feel better just to have my little breaks here and there.. and those are the days tt i get to meet u.

okok.... i m feeling very xin fu. so pardon me.

thanks ALL of you, once again, i bring a smile to bed. =) baby thank all of u all.. angel thank him back.. ahaha.. but I THANK ALL OF U GUYS!!!! U GUYS MADE MY LIFE CLOSE TO COMPLETENESS! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

date me out for lunch.... please

tired and all when i reached home but seeing the sunflower made me smile once more. life can actually be beautiful especially when there are things around you to remind u that someone out there cares or better still, people who reminds u they care.

take for instant friday, looking forward to lunching with jie. and sat, looking forward to spending a good time with my baby. i know we will. haha.. ever since we learnt that time is precious for the both of us, and we realyl cherish every min spent together... ahhhaha.. i hope he feels this way too. or issit just me?

all will be fine. =) even with the stupid ultra pain papercut i have.

thanks angel dearie for the flowers. they totally made my day! =) i love u!!! muacks muacks!!! i dun think nicky flavoured kiss suit u. so i give u leona's!

weekends just come and go again. seriously, this time round, it's really very fast. was it cause time spent with the boy always seem to go by so quickly, that's why my weekends seem so short. seriously, one weekend is not enough to cover weekdays of not meeting. i m missing him already.

i really think what happened the past week certainly make us know what we want in the future and also how much we meant to each other. and most importantly, how much u value and cherish me. i suddenly realised i pale in comparison but then, i feel much happier. i feel closer to you and i also think i can love u more and more. this feels totally amazing.... it seemed that our r/s is brought to a higher level already and right now, i'm exploring this level. so far, i'm liking everything about it.

let's do this together. =)

i'm pretty loved after all... thanks nu peng you. ahaha.. so funny, u read from here and u left me a testimonial. nonetheless... it makes me feel loved and cared for! no matter issit a simple tag or a testimonial.... i am happy.

leona's been a happy girl since thurs. wierd.. there i was grumbling on wed night and when i reached work place on thurs, i brightened up immediately. cos tt guy is back and he recovered! woah.. relief relief, first time i'm so happy to see him. to think i was cursing at him under my breath every now and then from mon to wed. but finally, work load seemed lighter. everything seemed better, in a way. and they even let me off early, like i could finally see sunset while walking out of the building and not moonlight all the time. best thing is i could meet my baby for a short while. though it was short, and he was playing his games, it just feels goood. seriously.

haven't really had a proper meet up with baby since mon. and mon's not a good day for both of us. i dun wanna go into it anymore. but i promise all will be better. =) i'm pretty positive on this one. i m missing him though i would be able to see him tmr..... ahahaha

i have a eye candy in office and baby's jealous!!! but please.. the eye candy is this woman. let's see.. she look like she's in early twenties.. maybe older than me by wad.. 3 to 4 years. sh'e drop dead gorgeous. wadever she wears looks good. her sharp nose, her mouth and bug eyes, her beautiful hair. ahahaha.. she really very pretty!! i jealous.... maybe i should seriously consider dying my hair.

i dream of a holiday and i hope it will be a dream come true!! all for hard work. =) but in short run, i just wanna see tt silly boy of mine, who's tired 24/7 and this explains why i'm online nw and he's sleeping already.

all will be well.. i noe it will be. cos with u, i'm already stronger.