jie, i was thinking of old days and i remembered how much i enjoyed times with u and deb. those were the really really good old days that i will recall and tell my grandchildren these stories.

i remember we will buy cold storage whole chicken, either black pepper or honey. i noe i like the black pepper one. we will eat the chicken in the back of the bus, 3 of us sitting side by side, u peel the chicken for me and deb. deb will eat her juicy thighs and we will eat our favourite dry breast meat. den halfway back to ur house, i will be thirsty and insist i wanna drink water. den we will alight at some petrol kiosk to buy water to drink. haha

then i also remember we like to buy one large packet of fries to go, den on the way back to ur house, we wanted to eat but we also wan sauce, then u will like squeeze toothpaste onto the fries, squeeze chilli or tomato sauce onto the fries and feed me and deb. i think if i nv remember wrongly, i never had to use my hands at all. such sweetness i miss... days with u guys around, i really dun care if got bf or not. cos it feels good.

but of course those are good days only, i remember how u guys like to sleep when we have our night feast! only know how to make me cry only. i so excited about night feast, den u guys keep sleeping... haha.. now to think back, it's so silly for me to cry. but i miss our night feast, the initial days of night feast only. how we smuggled small amount of food. 30 cents twisties, 20 cents mummy monster noodle snack, pocky, hei bai pei. it was exciting then. how we had to hide from your mum, eat in the room after lights out.

remember we had to use deborah's blanket everytime we spill drinks? poor girl, i wonder how she bathe he next day, with coke stain or wadever drink stain she had on it. den i remember we upgrade to cake!! one small cake.. and it's not one slice tt kind. it's the mini one whole cake. how we hide the cake on top of the cupboard!?? hahaha.... ice cream?? tt one cannot hide on top of cupboard, but have to hide in teh freezer, behind many stuff. then there were jellies!! tt one i remember u and deb will fight for wadever coulour u guys fighting for. i like my red jelly best!

yes yes yes, those were the days i miss. now we've all grown up, night snacks make us fat only. and the thrill is gone, no need to hide. but i m more of a supper person now. maybe when u get back, we can go supper together!

My breakfast this morning. the kimchi mummy brought back is delicious! different from the commercialised ones in singapore. really very very nice. if i know is this nice, sure make her bring back more. and my favourite zha jiang mian from korea. though it's instant. should have added some ingredients to the noodles but i was in a rush this morning.

i'm proud of myself! i take joy in preparing my own breakfast daily! =)

and my beloved jie!! i thought u so busy till u forgot about me! so long never hear from you?? wah... u even know how to make your own pasta!!??? i must really learn from you when u come back. must take notes from you. and after that pasta i made, i made a few other dishes too. never blog. really must let u try when u come back.

some people pointed out before, life is like a drama, a play, a stage where everyone has their own roles. and today, i reflected upon this line.

it's like we all have our own roles to act out to play, though there might be multiple roles per person but when it comes to interactions between the different actors in your life, there are just some limits how hard you can try to perfect this life of yours. you can play ur life to the fullest, doing or playing each role very well but when u it comes to having other roles interacting with you, u cannot control how well they play their role, how serious they play their role. you cannot even talk about perfection because ur perfection might not be others.

like for me, to be a student, i attend classes, i study. even when i m lazy, i know it's not my limits yet and i can push myself further. another role, teaching. i try my best to impart whatever i know. i try to make them understand. but whether they do well or not is entirely not up to me. it's like even how perfect u play your role, u cannot control how others play theirs. so when my students dun do well, i reflect, like whether was it me, i didn't do enough or was it them? did they play their part as a student well.

like when i'm attached now, my role as a gf is blah blah blah. but i cannot control how my bf is like, or how he treats me. like maybe in my perfect r/s, my bf should be like this, like tt. but to him, he might already feel tt he did his best, it's just not perfect in my drama, my play, my life. so this is where my reflection comes in. i got to learn how to perfect my life, in areas where i can do it and learn how to appreciate other people's efforts in my life. and even if these are not perfect to me, i need to see the effort put in by others. i cannot always want a life tt i want. i m no longer playing barbie where i control barbies' life. or even sims, where i control their life.

it takes 2 hands to clap, takes 2 hands to hold. takes 2 hands to give u warmth. i just wanna play my part well and whatever happens in the future, it's not up to me. i'll pray and leave it to the hands of God.

anyway, mum's back. i'm so excited. i have lots and lots of korean instant noodles. looks like my mugging days will not be hungry though i really need to go on a diet. mum and baby say i am fat!! anyone noes how to go on a more efficient diet!????? i need to buy running shoes soon soon soon!!!

angel, i'm really really proud of myself. fine, i know no biggie, but i can make my own variations of tomato sauce for the pasta. no cream sauce of course, due to the fact that i cannot handle cheese. gives me the urrgg reaction. but ya, finally, no more bottled sauce for my pasta. now to make my sauce better and smoother, i just need a food processer! blender...

i'm totally into cooking nowadays, although i know it's totally at the wrong time. anyway, i made CHINESE yellow noodles with tomatoes and chicken yesterday (tomatoes are my new fav ingredient too) and my baby totally mistook it as PASTA?? like hello?? how can chinese egg noodle, yellow in colour be mistaken for pasta??? and he even ate it.. and continue thinking it's pasta until today i realised his mistake!!

on a heavier note, i know some things are for life and so are some memories. but when people take things for granted, i can't help but feel that maybe, to say 'lifetime' is actually me trying to kid myself. somethings are just not meant to be? then again, i should concentrate on how to be happier, how to make myself happy, how to whip up more dishes and how to study harder. with the last item highly prioritised on my list.

good nights. next week would be good. i will make it good

I AM ALIVE!

and feeling refreshed. to start all the mugging to come

i've been having scary dreams lately. two nights ago, i dreamt that my eyes bled, due to my contacts. i still remember how red it looks, and blood dripping down from my eyes. scary. then just last night, i dreamt that i was given the death sentence. i still remember crying really bitterly, thinking and whining i still got alot of things i wanna accomplish. i cannot die just like tt. i still remember the date of the death sentence 210208. it's very freaky.

it's this thurs right. if anything happens to me on tt day, at least people who reads my blog knows that i had omen!

Had lovely pasta from L&N's. Pasta with prawns and Tomato Sauce.

If ever i was caught lying, i's not my fault. i was put up to it. haha

jazz bars can be so intoxicating. any women can be duped into marraige if a guy just propose there.... =)

i know i don't watch as much mediacorp productions nowadays, i used to be an ardent fan of all their productions. so when i flicked on the tv and watched a little of "Beautiful Scent", i recalled wasn't there a similar production last time? a girl with odd scent.. now portrayed by dawn yeo. wasn't it acted by jeanette aw? and a mother who loves to gamble because she lost her husband in. it was acted by huang biren last time and now by pan lingling. yes.. there are so much similarities.

haik, somtimes i feel that my time management skills, efficiency, planning is always put to test. one after another. when then can i get everything under control, in order and according to plan.

to those who are coming on sat... the nor hiang is ready!!! i'm so proud of myself! i know u guys will love me for it!

and OMG ANGEL!!!! i just read ur tag!! OMG OMG OMG!!! she's only a yr older than us right???? got pictures!??? ask her out la!! you closer to her right!!?? OMG OMG OMG!!!! OMG!!! got any links?? any blogs for me to read!??? OMG!!!

vday is coming and yes, my date is chin. this yr is a special year. cos i allow baby to slack on all the celebrations.. vday... how many days.. monthly affairs... all these he can slack abit or celebrate earlier.. but next yr... hee hee hee...... he will just die. i will always remember first vday... tt necklace gave in the cinema just when the show is abt to start. cassanova i remember. gosh, so dark, suddenly give me a package, like HOW TO SEE??? SO DARK CAN. and then pretend say wanan go toilet... but went down to get a bouqet of flowers for me. he pre-ordered i remember. SWEETNESS. then met up with some friends at pac coffee den went esplanade. those days still got go esplanade. nowadays... tt's luxury. no more! den den no dinner.. but cup noodles back home. classic. i will never forget. last yr.. hmmm. no flowers i remember.. how we celebrate. cannot really remember.. must pull out archives man! lol... first times are always the easiest to remember!

"your every word and endless promises.... how do i not love u more?"

a nice and sweet weekend spent. the long weekend just come and go in a blink of an eye. i cannot believe it but it's monday already and i have two tuitions later with 2 hrs in between to kill. wasn't it just yesterday mum, dad and i went to shop for the ingredients for the new year eve's steamboat reunion dinner? gosh.. the way time flies, it scares me.

thurs and fri were spent visiting. nothing much. every year without fail the visiting on second day will bore me. first day still not so bad. but everyone go like so many places on first two days, i add up two days worth of houses i go to and it's 3. tt's all! i notice a trend. everyone has psp. if not psp, they have nintendo ds and some even have gameboy to kill time. i think i need to invest in one next year. then i wun be so bored.

luckily, they boy came over on friday night. to keep me company and we spent time all the way till he booked in. his family dunno why so big, so much visiting to do. sat was spend on movie and our own mini steamboat reunion. the only regret was he didn't bring his vodka! steamboat plus liquor.. not a bad combi. sun was spend at yum cha. we wanted to go red star cos dear keep saying how nice how nice. oh wah.. the q was how nice how nice too. freaking long. dad was in a rush so he didn't want to q. den we went yum cha. alright but i think it's a little ex. oh, the reason why we go eat dim sum together was cos it's mum's bdae! so it's me, the boy, mum and dad. after which dear and i went funan, looking for his stuff and came home awaiting for book in.

i really enjoyed this weekend! one of the best. looking forward to this sat. steamboat at my place! and is anyone free this valentine's day? sad to say, but i'm free... =/

maybe i really need the break. not physically, but mentally. i've got to find my passion and my enthu back. i think and hope i can manage.

this cny better be good. cos i really need the break.

these days, i kept asking myself the same question again and again. how have i grown so far? then everytime i gave myself the same answers, no, i haven't grown at all. how am i different from the girl i was 3 years back? why am i still walking in circles. why haven't i grown stronger or more independent. i don't get it. issit that i don't try? but no, i did. i know i did. so why haven't i show progress.

why issit that silence still makes me insecured? why issit that neglect still makes me scared? why issit that when phone calls/smses not returned, the thought of being abandoned and thrown away haunts me. i keep living in the black hole that i dug for myself 3 years back. again and again.

oh well... happiness is that difficult to have. happiness just doesn't belong to me.