i need a fresh new sheet of paper to begin with. too much thoughts to be cleansed and to be cleared. i don't want to think of certain impossibilities anymore. i don't want.. don't want.

have serious monday blues today. and esplanade is one place to release them. whoever said that memories will fade away as time passes ought to be shot. it simply doesn't work that way.

i'm tired... and old. =/

feel pretty out of sleep, out of cash, out of energy and out of brain power. it all started with a very rushy friday i had.

ended class at 5... needed to get home, get ready and change and head to town. but got delayed by an hour.. by the time i got home.. i ve very little time to get ready. had to do it in record time and den cabbed down to town. and mind you, cabbing is something i've not done for quite some time.

met up with yan and char, together with dal and eve, we went to chinablack. stayed till 12 plus? my stomach felt a little wierd and empty at the same time so we went for supper. didn't manage to eat finish before my stomach felt wierd and too full... before i know it, my throat got really dry and needed water to badly.. tt when i gulped water down, i had to puke the next second. everything happened so fast. reached home byt cab and slept only at 3 with the intention to wake up at 8.. cos i'm meeting the gang at 10 in town..

when i woke up this morn, was horrified to see that it's 9:50... had to get ready quickly again and cabbed to town again. we went cuppage's party world... from 11 to 2... thought that i would stonned pretty much but wad was i thinking.. i was with my darlings leh.. how to mans... after singing out hearts out.. which i did enjoy alot. love them so much.. it's so nan de tt al 5 of us get together and xin even gave her virginity to us. =)

afte tt.. had to rush off to meet my cousins. would really love to spend more quality time with my friends.. but i had an appointment with my cousin. we went for buffet sushi.. as jie was craving for sushi. den we walked ard town.. and already, i eyed on many stuff tt i want.. but i am damn broke.. i want tt jacket.. tt skirt.. tt top!!!! hmmmm... enjoyed time with my cousin.. it feels goood. and if only i wasn't bothered halfway by some problems... which always seem to bug me anyway.

the funny thing was tt all 3 of us kena bird shit... lol.... we are soo lucky lor.. our first times man. and by the time we chit chatted finish and all... it's time to get home.. i'm lucky to get the last train but not so lucky to get the last bus.. cabbed hm from tampines.. and here i am.. so tired... tmr going to meet amelia.. better rest well. =) i wanna be in good condition... and it's town again....

you are so careful with ur words and action tt i find it hard to fathom. but one thing's for sure.. ur smile curls my lips up as well.

Your French name is
~Gentille~
which means 'kind'.
You value things like friendship and loyalty. You
are caring and very nice to everyone, not only
those you care about. You have a small group of
friends that you love and are probably very
accepting.


What is your French name?
brought to you by Quizilla

okie. dal says i'm not updating so here goes.

a nice and cold tues i had. talentime prelims started for 2 days. the first day i would say is not good at all. everyone complains.. grumbles and get on my nerves. as in my weak mentality supporting line is not think enough. however, today is much better. people start telling me things like it's better and i have understanding people like you.. makes my day better. =)

had to go down chinatown to echobeats and discuss some stuff with this guy. he's a pretty nice guy, i would sae.. not too bad looking as well. but the place is freaking cold. as if outside not ocld enough.. he gave me some contacts and all.. seeing more hope now and direction.

i don't know wad's wrong. i want to show my concern.. but i dunno are u just being plain extra sensitive... it's tiring to make guesses all the time. =/

anyway... after talking to the director of echobeats... dal and i went to eat frog leg porridge. silly dal calls it sweet frog. lol~ ordered one large one... so afraid we cannot finish.. den we sat there and chat. feels good. atmosphere right... food right.. everything just feels so comfy and nice. i could have sat there longer lor. just an extra info.. my first time eating tian ji zhou.. ahahahha~ not too bad... =)

so this mounts and explains why i'm in such a good mood now and maybe due to the fact tt i'm talking to you. okie... just a random thought. anyway, thanks dal for the company.... =)

and thanks jy and nina... lalala~

other people such as audience will never understand the hard work behind every organising com. no matter what happens to the results at the end of the day, good or bad, the hard work is still undeniable. concrete and solid.

i'm left so weak and vulnerable that any kindness people showered on me, be it out of sympathy or genuine concern, brings tears to my eyes. how i detest this person that i see in the mirror. yet again.

people may think i am over reacting and i don't expect anyone to understand but i'm sincerely concerned. out of the bottom of my heart. i know being exasperating doesn't help but i don't know what i can do to help. advice falls on deaf ears and knowing that someone i care might be getting cheated. this feeling that i feel is beyond any words can say. i know this is none of my problem. i jolly well don't even have to give a damn. but i care and it's just getting into me.

this similiar feeling came not only once this week. so angry and frustrated that i don't know what to do with the tears that threaten to brim over any minute. this is the reason why i detest this feeling or when this emotion gets the better of me.

and it so happen that i have to hear it being mention again~ again and again. everytime i think i'm fine and ready to take this test. i fail it badly every time. i hate to admit so many things, even to myself, much less to anyone out there. i hate how much at the mere mention of it, i crumple so easily. i hate myself failing so badly. on this stage especially.

i don't need anyone to understand me. i can't expect everyone will. i freaking don't care. just don't pretend u know what i'm going through and fucking hell think you do. that's one generous act of sympathy that i reckon.

slept at 3 plus in the morning and woke up at 9 is definitely not a good idea and not to be done too often. because right now, i'm freaking tired. jie's coming back in like 5 hours time or something and i really want to go pick her up.. but i'm super super tired. gonna catch some sleep before another round of gathering with my darlings. and hopefully with the addition of yan.

went to sch in the morning and waited for the stage guy to come by and set the stage up. angel and chin came to join me. we ended up playing in the club house when i did have some serious work to do. the stage is finally set up.. one burden off my shoulder man. and i love it. looks pro. =)

left sb straight after and head down marina's coffee club... and den went to esplanade and wait for the sun to set. we were all listening to mp3.. with both me and angel leaning on poor chin. and end up.. all 3 of us fell asleep. when we woke up.. the sky has already darkened. den we walk down to orchard and angel and i were singing all the way.. from some pop song.. and as usual.. always end up in hymms. lol.. we are seriously craving for k box... XIN!!!! if u're anywhere out there, striving hard for f maths... faster, k. we're waiting for u to go k box with us!!

by the time we reached orchard.. all 3 of us are quite stony... very very tired. took a quick dinner.. and left town. when i came back, i realised i had a pile of things to be done. yawns.. and now.. i'm dead tired. hope mum doesn't insist i wake up for breakfast.

dad's back! =)

happen to read someone's blog and it brings back so much of my own memories. how many times is this going to happen.. over and over again.. i'm tired. of myself and of my reactions and my emotions.

i had enough of it.

lightings in orchard 

waiting for the sun to set by esplanade 

the talentime stage... i think it's very pretty... =) 

so LOST in school 

 

we were THAT bored 

a potrait of myself that i drew.. which got me a series of comments as shown 

sometimes, all you need is a long hearty chat with an old and good friend to make things better all over again. i agree with you.. the good old days.

it's the weekends again and i'm all out to enjoy before the torturous prelims begin. actually, it is not so bad once things start to be in place. however, all i see now are scattered bits and pieces and i have to be an expert in jigsaw to win this round. but first thing is to get the cds more or less ready. and this, i thank eve and haz for helping me get things done. my first confirm piece of jigsaw.

anyway, meeting angel and chin later.. as in 11 am.. cos it's like 3 plus in the morning?! so sweet of them to volunteer to wait with me in school for the stupid stage guy. during those time tt we wait.. i've already planned out wad's to be done and all. and i simply want to hang out with them.. miss them soo much.. not so much of chin la.. cos just saw her on tues.. more of angel! my darlinggg.

it could get so vexing, so stressing, so uptight.. but at the end of the day... if no solutions are made.. it's still a blank piece of paper. pray for me... and i want my k box sessions, mahjong sessions.. cycling... with all of u guys. u all should noe who u are.

i hate this. everytime i'm not eating well, my body shows all the signs of it. damn.

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you. You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorableEven a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's lifeBy giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover. Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Seducer Are You?

have been watching tv since i woke up. cannot believe how lucky i am to be able to catch all the good shows today. but because of this little lucky spark i have, i threw my agenda of the day far far away into the back of my mind. but anyway, i'm back now to strat the long list of things i have to do.

so glad to have met up with my all time fav girl yesterday. it feels so long since i last saw any of them and this morn, i finally understood why did chin reject me or not caught any hint tt i dropped. nonetheless, u're forgiven because of ur msg this morn that saved u. anyway, drank at our ldf yesterday night. our next time visit is to venture in, tt's a promise. did not really felt like drinking cos my tummy wasn't feeling that well but i ended up drinking a little and eating a huge amount of food though i was super bloated already. i don't know what came over me but i just felt like eating and when i came home after 12, i even considered stopping over at the pertrol kiosk, getting one tub of ice cream. must be the stress level. having this little eating disorder nowadays. =/

i hate it when my feelings and emotions can be so easily manipulated but why is it that i always succumb only to those who can do so. there are so many questionable things in my life. i don't want to touch them now. don't have the time. once again, i learnt that we should not always depend on people. as much as i love assistant, i don't have the ability to control and understand those 10% type of human in this world. to understand and be comfortable with them.. it takes so much effort. tiring, it definitely is.

somethings i just can't wait and somethings just cannot wait for me.

The Loner THis guy has more adventures than you and your
boaring life will ever have. He is quick and
fast,so he wont wait long for you to make the
decision. Dont completely give yourself up..
but f you want adventure.....

Who is your dream guy (Awsome anime Pictures)(10 outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are lukewarm! Your heart is good and whole, but
you have built a wall around it, so no-one can
see the true you. Shine, and show your
colours-you will make a beautiful rainbow.
Please rate and message!

How Cold is Your Heart? ^Pretty Pics^ *Many Outcomes*
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Fire Faerie! You are an energetic and
lively soul who is always the life of the
party. You may be short tempered at times, but
your friends can deal with you. When it comes
to love, you are very passionate. You are very
determined and even stubborn at times, but if
anyone is pushing you or your loved ones
around, they don't want to be in your
way.

Element:Fire
Wing Color:Red and/or Orange
Powers:Flame and Telekenesis
Gemstone:Ruby
Flower:Rose

What Kind of Faerie Are You?(Beautiful Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

You will have a Content love. Not
boring, but without fights and problems. You
will just... be in love. Simple as that. As a
person, you're not the one who laughs highest
or most often, nor the one in the dark corner
crying. You are the one who sits watching
everyone else, often with a little smile
playing on your lips. To you, life is good and
you will get what you wish for. You will fall
for someone who is himself, and lets you be
you.

Please rate aaaaand... eat chocolate bars?
*cough*rate*cough* ^^

What Love are you Fated for? ~AWESOME anime pics!~
brought to you by Quizilla

You're the depressed, sad, always unhappy girl. You
never think of anything as good. You probably
should lighten up a little and try to be happy.

What is your personality? (girls only, great anime pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla

playing games to get my mind off certain stuff. guess it works for tonight but this kind of thing just doesn't work everytime when u want it to. just tonight. lol... i even got lucky and won some jackpot... =)

i don't have to be who i'm not. i'm tired of trying so hard already. i'm not going to let it bother me. i know who i am. and those who know me too. please give me the faith and trust. no one can pass judgement without getting any facts right. and anyway, who's the real judge of life.

i'm waiting.. and i'll still be waiting.

i miss u, guys.

was wondering if anyone heard of this game "billionaire". It is not a board game. just a pack of cards and a little suitcase to go with it. it's like a mini trading game. the more the merrier. people in the game gets to shout a max of 4 cards to trade at one go and it's a first come first serve basis. just like in the trading pit. anyway, when i was attending fm tutorial yesterday, this game suddenly pop into my head. am wondering if i still have that game. somewhere in the storeroom maybe? it would be fun to bring out and play once again.

as much as i want to continue watching bleach or reading it... i've many stuff to keep me busy with. dead tired today. my mentality is waning low. gets pretty uptight easily. there's not one second that i can keep my phone on silent without worrying anyone important might call or something. everything's happening very fast. finding it difficult to concentrate. damn... i'm simply just very very tired. full stop.

if i can hang on till the 25th, i promise myself a good treat. it's always good to have something to look forward to. and those guys who are taking a levels... all the best to u all. jia you and take care! can't wait to hang out and ve fun again!

need the support, need the care.... it's always enough to get me back. especially if it's....

a nice day spent though i went to sch rather early and came home late. my contacts got so dry that they stuck to my eyeball a little.. lol.. tt's gross, i noe.

went school to collect notes and realised that the class funds that i thought could last us to year 3 cannot last us till den and i've to collect money again... it's not an easy job but i dun mind. den rushed down to mlt 2 to have our gems-- securing ur pc. hmmm.. wad should i sae but it's super boring. i'm interested in protecting my pc... but this is boring. then i realised tt many people i noe registered this gem as well.

ta1 is not exactly anywhere near interesting either... lol. my mind was a little everywhere i guess... talentime, ds, keys... lol.. and all the wierd things. and then comes the good part... dinner at tcc was great... didn't get to eat my fav warm lava choc cake cos i thought i wld give other dessert a try.. but nahs.. lave chocolate cake is still the best!!! =) after tt.. went bugis to shop a little... bought tiny stuff.. and sat down for some late night dessert...

nice day... nice food... spent little money... =)

this week is supposedly to be my first week back in school but it doesn't even feel that way. mon's class was cancelled, tues ph, wed short day, thurs ph and then tmr is another short day as well. i rather not ve school and one more week of holidays mans. tt would definitely be much much better.

have been reading through my archives, 2 years back and now and realised how much i've grown. how much things have changed but mainly how much i've changed. remembered good times, sweet times and as well as those days of sorrow and "hardship". and because i've read through my archives, i realised one very important thing tt i've been neglecting. one very important fact.

even if it were to take a long time, there's no short cut out of this. if i were to take one year plus that time... doing it the way that it should be done, i see no reason why i'm avoiding this long road now. if t works, it should be done. at least it would definitely be better than a short cut that gets me more twisted as i go along. and not solving anything at the end of the day.

talked to chin last night for a long time. it's been such a long time since we last did it. thanks chin. talking to u always makes me feel better. sharing things with u makes it seem clearer and giving me more confidence on this road tt i would be heading. at least i noe where i'm gg and i've let u noe. this way, i'm not alone.

i'm currently living in a pigsty called my room. it's diff to walk ard in my room due to the mess. i keep saying i want to clean up but apparently.. i'm not doing it. i need a nightlamp too! maybe i should clear this mess during the weekends. i should i should.

i'm hooked onto bleach currently... damn nice!!! =)

it's the start of registration. i realised that i'm venturing on a safe mode and not a daring to try type of mode. i just want to get things done but not atempting to make things better. dun think this should be the attitude but it's too late to change some stuff that i thought can make things better anyway.

my 2 girlfriends came my place to chill today. funny i use the word chill when half the time, they're suffering in the heat of my house. didn't do anything much. just sat ard, chit chat a little and watched tv. if only they could stay over.

felt utterly and hopelessly useless. i dun like the person i am right now. i ate cup noodles for dinner. so much for being healthy... i'm slipping back into my old pathetic lifestyle.

i told myself that i should put a stop to this. so no more anticipation and no more hoping. i'm a practical person and i will stay this way.

quite a few events happened that i dunno how to add another atomic bomb on top of it all. i really want to tell you but i guess.. this is not the right time....

i sincerely hope that this would be a better start. have been going through a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil, trying various methods to step out. to change. although i'm back at square one now, i know what am i going to do next and where am i heading next. i want to step out. i want this. i know i do.

dear god, i'm trying really hard. is there no limit or no end to this and maybe in the eyes or others, i could still go on longer or try harder. right at this seemed saturation point of mine, every single step out is torturous and alomst unbearable. things look harder and harder as i attempt to take a wobbly step out.

woke up late today, with no appetite. my immune system still feels down. didn't want to eat anything but dad's at home and he bought beehoon for me. he insisted i eat something so i took it as dinner. stomach's not feeling good. nothing's feeling good anyway. but i'm trying. hard.

on a lighter context, the skill of frying an egg amazes me. to keep a yolk liquid even after 10 hours or more.

today is the start and also the preparation. tmr is the first real test. i want to pass it and not fail badly like all the rest of my other tests.

i can't help thinking of you. i know i shouldn't because you would only make me repeat a vicious cycle of hurt and pain. yan is right. i need what's good for me and not only what i want. but i'm who i'm. i'm always a person wanting what i want. and not wad's good for me. this is a fact that's hard to alter.

give me strength.