i sincerely hope that this would be a better start. have been going through a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil, trying various methods to step out. to change. although i'm back at square one now, i know what am i going to do next and where am i heading next. i want to step out. i want this. i know i do.

dear god, i'm trying really hard. is there no limit or no end to this and maybe in the eyes or others, i could still go on longer or try harder. right at this seemed saturation point of mine, every single step out is torturous and alomst unbearable. things look harder and harder as i attempt to take a wobbly step out.

woke up late today, with no appetite. my immune system still feels down. didn't want to eat anything but dad's at home and he bought beehoon for me. he insisted i eat something so i took it as dinner. stomach's not feeling good. nothing's feeling good anyway. but i'm trying. hard.

on a lighter context, the skill of frying an egg amazes me. to keep a yolk liquid even after 10 hours or more.

today is the start and also the preparation. tmr is the first real test. i want to pass it and not fail badly like all the rest of my other tests.

i can't help thinking of you. i know i shouldn't because you would only make me repeat a vicious cycle of hurt and pain. yan is right. i need what's good for me and not only what i want. but i'm who i'm. i'm always a person wanting what i want. and not wad's good for me. this is a fact that's hard to alter.

give me strength.