today marks the end of the end of march and a hectic april to come along. i would be taking my bridging econs paper in april, my grade 7 theory exam and my work tt ends standardly at 8, not to mention, if the staff leaves soon in less than a month, i seriously don't know what time i can leave workplace.

now now now, what have i landed myself into. wad kind a job is this. first, i thought the pay was good but then again, they fully utilised me and squeezed me dry. hahaha.... actually work is not that bad lah, it's just staying back late, depriving me of my boy. i miss dating!!! i miss spending time with him.. but luckily, he found a job too. so at least i feel better knowing both of us are working hard. me working hard towards my driving licence and that new phone!!!

so as much as i wanna quit badly.. i cannot. and no one approves of me quitting too. the saying goes, wadever cannot breaks u makes u stronger. i'm sure i will gain some knowledge after i leave the place as well as experience in the backroom. =)

but for now, work sux! =/ tiring.. and i miss my boy!

i suddenly miss one old part of me. the craziness... i recall many people wrote in my autograph book for me like... u are crazy, fun-loving... ahaha.. and cute. yes yes, the last part is cute. but maybe they actually meant act cute? i admit it might be act cute lor... but i got so natural at doing it.. i dun even noe when i m not. anyway, nobody hates me for that wad. i didn't make enemies for that wad, or did i? but nonetheless, i still have one whole bunch of friends who dun mind the act cute part. isn't tt right?

that was in the past.

now... i lost the craziness in me i guess.. issit the age? or have i become more mature.. like learn to deal with things in a mature way. like i kind of sober up? is that the word to use.. hopefully, readers would understand wad i mean.. but the craziness and the dun care about anything, just do and then laugh it off.. that part of me is gone. i want to find it back.. simple just laugh at every single thing.. just laugh and laugh and laugh...... ahhahha.. now this is wad i call life, ain't it?

now i get conscious of everything. i care about how i beave.. how i look.. wad about the part of living freely and most importantly, happily. i like the old leona.. the laugh until dunno wad she laughing at leona. the one whose laughter will infect others as well.. the one who's crazy and silly.. and yes.. act cute!

issit really the age? or i've changed.

anyway, it will be a good transition and a good start for me soon. some identity crisis i have here?? no.. i just want to find a way to live happier. quote from nupengyou: a positive mindset is crucial if you wana be happy. tt's absolutely true.

i should be contented and blessed to have someone who loves me so dearly by my side. to have fmaily whom i treat shabily yet still so much concern and of course friends who never fail to remind me their warmth and existence.

so.. everything is just going to be fine. what's the worst thing tt can happpen. right???

pray for me my dear friends tt it's gg to be a good day tmr.

i found a job! and it's pretty fast. wondering if i made a rash decision... went for interview today and then they confirmed me today. it's a 3 months contract. so no leaving till after 3 months. i do hope it will pass by quickly. pretty nervous at the same time anticipating and dreading it. anticipating cos i cannot wait to work... earn that cash! puting time to good use. dreading it cos of 1001 reasons:

- no pretty forml clothes to wear
- long hours
- anti-socialness
- i m so gg to miss my boy

ok.. the last one was uncalled for.. but i guess we cannot meet up as often as we used to now. tt saddens me... i m already soo used to him... how mans. but apparently, it's only on my side. tt boy doesn't seem much affected. hahaha.... i guess i like that part about him

sometimes.. small surprises can bring much happiness. it's been so long since i was last surprised

it's been such a studious week. busy studying for the silly cfp and then took the exam which was so impossibly foreign and super mentally challenging. in a way, i'm glad that i didn't study that hard for it cos apparently if i studied that hard, the paper would ve seem impossibly difficult as well. is this the standard of professional associates? oh well.....

think i will fail my silly bridging econs. i cannot draw for nuts! and she had to say in econs, we use graphs to answer and to explain. but it's ok. i still ve time to brush up my curves!!! art sux and i thought so 4 years ago too

i'm feeling pretty contented at this point of time... like lots of icing on my cake.... all i need is a cherryyy.... and also ma la. i'm having this huge craving for steamboat again. again and again. think i can eat steamboat almost everyday

just found a relatively adorable picture. one tt cheers me up almost instanteneously

after going through everything this whole week, the ups and downs, i realised i don't want to lose you at all. there's so many things in my bedroom that reminds me of you.. the frame, the pictures, the rose, the card and most importantly, the bears. these are not something that can be easily removed or forgotten and same goes for all the memories we share.

these are visual memories, and there's also those other memories in the head type. every single thing u did for me.. every single thing you didn't do. but i'm not perfect as well. i'm sure inside u must be thinking there are things that i did or did not do. sensitive over areas tt didn't require and insensitive to how u might have felt.

but putting these all aside, let's put ourselves to the test, keeping in mind wad's to be done better and wad's not to be done. maybe it's all on my part... but i wan to give it a shot. i wan to give it my best shot.

nobody say we cannot pull ourselves up after we fall. no one say we have to continuosly wear guards to protect ourselves in case we fall. and instead of removing the guard after some time, we wear more and more. nobody say tt falling is definitely avoidable but learning how to stand up and be strong is one big lesson in life. nobody sae, shadow has to follow u for life... there's always the light out there.

gf told me that one live happier and longer with a positive mindset. longer i dun care.. but i wan to be happier. i wan to find the leona i used to knoe and not see someone i dun like and dun even recognise in the mirror every morning, getting uglier and uglier....

this is my life. a pledge. hahaha....

Artist: Def Leppard
Song: Two Steps Behind
Album: Retro Active

Walk away, if you want to,
it's ok, if you need to.
(a) You can run, but you can never hide.
You see my shadow come creepin¹ up inside you.

(PRE-CHORUS)
There's a magic runnin¹ through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you do...

(CHORUS)
I'll be two steps behind you.
(Wherever you go...)
And I'll be there to remind you
(a) that it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around.
I'll be two steps behind.

Take the time and think about it.
Walk the line, you just can't fight it.
Look around and see what you can find.
Like a fire that's burning up inside me.

Yeah, turn around, I¹ll be two steps behind.
Yeah, turn around, I¹ll be...
(Two steps behind.)
I¹ll be two steps behind you.
(Two steps behind.)
And I¹ll be there to remind you.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.)
(Two steps behind.)
Two steps behind.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Two steps behind.
(Two steps behind.)

i simply cannot resist the temptation of a McChicken. and to make myself feel better, i ordered plain but tt does not reduce the sin of burger at 2330!

i m feeling tired and lazy. think i will skip gym tmr since i went today. feel like giving myself a reward tmr morning.. but why should i reward myself.. hahahaha. i dunno.

there are always two sides to a coin, two sides to a story and two general types of people.

i like:

1. people who can help me
2. people who i can help

but there must be a third type of people. cos they are people i don't like.

somethings on tv shows really reflect life. how we deal with people around us, how we treat them, how we deal with people's feelings and the relationship involved and of course what are the consequences. i guess sometimes in life, we might already know what are the consequences when we do some stuff. even if we know that the consequences turn out bad, why do we still do it in the first place? tt's cos we are always selfish. in one way or another, we're always thinking of ourselves.

ok.. i'm toking abt myself. i'm one big selfish person. and everyday... i never fail to realise it.

anyway, i realised no matter how many times i watch this show, the feeling i get out of it is always the same. cannot remember the last time i watch, was i single or already with nic. but no matter wad... i hope i will not bear the consequences.

working hard for my future. planning and sacrifice seem absolutely necessary

even on a ordinary day, on a simple day, i feel blissful. i like:

- they way you hold my hand on the bus and tighten your grip when the bus jerk
- the way you always look back and hold your hand out for me if i lagged behind
- they way u didn't like pa, but accomodate to me cos u noe i like it
- the way u look at me and laugh at my silliness
- the way you always show me ur fist if i say something stupid. stupid not to me, but to you.

it's just an ordinary day. but u brought me out into the light. with u knocking sense into me, literally. you untie the knot in me in a miraculous way that you dun even know you did. but i feel so much better from everything esle that happened before today. thanks for being understanding and being there. thank god for you.

i guess this personal diary is for life.... haha.

after prom, i'm feeling not too bad. it's not exactly a bad prom, just not as good as ij's. it's a not too goood, but not so bad prom. okok.... it's getting late, some of my words are getting repetitive.

i'm feelin satisfied with my curent life, really i m. i ought to be happy. but somewhere, somehow, i feel like i've lost something. i dun feel complete. i don't know what issit that's missing but i know, i m not as happy as before, or how i actually should be. i suddenly feel like i lost all connectivity. with people, with things around me.

suddenly out of nowhere, i recalled the game angel and mortal. it feels good to have an angel ain it. someone who watches u and protect u withou u knowing and making sure u are happy every single day. angel dearie.. were u my angel last time..... i tot i remembered u.

rugged and the elegant

i kind of really like this one

the guys

i prefer yan sitting down. otherwise, she's always sooo tall!

the final picture. everyone from our class who attended. no. of people in class: 16. no. of people atended: 10

oh well.. what can i say. i knew right before i started sem 2 that no matter how well i do this time round, my GPA's not gg to pull up to 3.4 or 3.5, though i have a 3.7 this time round and the previous time. i guess.. two times hard work cannot be compared to the previous 2 slackiness and another two totally heck care. now i knoe.. how terrible accumulative can be. =/

nonetheless.. finally i see dist. keep wondering why i dun have.. hahaha.... but it has to be for crap modules. so what if i can write my resume damn well or can go through interview damn well... NO ONE's HIRING ME! hahaa but finally dist and two summore! lalalala

i want to:

1. SLEEP IN! ever since the course started, my sleep has been terribly affected. i feel so tired everyday. and the worst thing is, the more i sleep, the more i want to sleep.
2. rent a whole series of sho to watch. but it seemed like such a lonely thing to do, especially things i watch, dear doesn't watch.
3. get a sweet and easy job. good pay, nice environment, most importantly suits my timing
4. feel pretty! be pretty! act pretty! stay pretty! all for the upcoming prom
5. nurse my sick boy back to good health

amelia.. hang in there. jia you!!! after wed.. everything would be goood!!! i promise!

i feel that i'm testing your patience at times, like trying to test my importance to you every single day. i'm getting tired of this person here. i don't want to do this, i feel so fugly sometimes.. i don't know what's wrong with me. I DUN LIKE MYSELF FOR DOING IT EVERY SINGLE DAY

SPACE SPACE SPACE!

hey girl, a chance was given to you. now it's time to wake up and start striving. without hard work, how's the beautiful painted picture going to come true.

i finally got a bb wallet!!!! it was one of the first things i have to get on my list after i got my first pay. wad first pay when i dun even have a job.. well, i plan ahead. mummy was out of the ordinary generous today. the day started unfruitfully (if there's such a word). was supposed to see some doc recommended by my aunt in the morning. got dragged out of the bed when i didn't sleep so early the night before. never mind, took a bus journey, boring never mind but long to serangoon. den when i reached the clinic, it was packed, sqeezed with people that some people even had to stand and there were many in the line waiting to register. never mind, queeue up. den when going to reach my turn, they say they cannot give out any more numbers for register already. they are gg to close soon. grrrr.... have to wake up tmr morning even earlier to go visit that doc. he or she better be good for the wait.

den was supposed to meet chin but she say everytime i say see how first means i dun wan so she PS ME!!!! CHIN PS ME!!!!!! i kept messaging her and calling her but she never reply or pick up my call. scared me.. thought wad happen to her. as u noe, her situation now, anything might happen. but in the end, when she called back, she told me she was working.

so mummy seized the opportunity since i'm nt gg out to drag me to shop for prom dress. wasn't keen to shop with her one... den ta-da... bought one dress with her. and shoes summore! thought i can wear my new year heels.. but she sae must match my dress better. think i spend alot of her money today.

dilema dilema dilema.....

i miss my lover!

he works in ways i cannot see but he always show me the way. he cannot remove the darkness for me as it was a trial i had to go through but he did show me the light everytime i'm in fear, anxieties and confusion. even when he knew i had to go through this and there's no way he can make it easy for me, he gave me comfort, he gave me light. he couldn't show me the end of darkness but he could send me strength and courage to carry on. he never forgets me, he never abandons me, every single time i'm in distress but each time i get over, he made sure i learnt something. in the past, it was things that i didn't do. he made sure i knew how to cope better in the future. now, it's things that i cannot do, he made sure he let me know there's always a way out. i won't say it's a miracle but he's been very kind to me all this while, watching me grow.

as i walk out of this, i teared and said my thanks. although a part of me knows that this might not be totally gone till a certain confirmation, i know even if the results are not what i hoped, i learnt how to find courage and strength already. and this is the best lesson i learn thus far.