i thought i was being emotional then, i mean with alcohol and being not at hm and all, and memories invading every space in my head every single day and images taking over my entire living soul. when i told chin about it, i think she thought i was being too emotional too. and i believed it. till today.

watched the show again and i conclude. i wasn't being too emotional then. i'm touched, genuinely.

planning gets messy. and plans dun get to carry out for a long time already. when when when will it happen. when will it actually happen. hopes get dashed and was shocked to hear tt it was a blow even. but somehow, we will gather soon and meet up real real soon, k. i promise to do my part. u guys mean too much for me to give up. i would lose so much so i would always take initiative to arrange, k. promise me u guys wun reject me too much... =)

sometimes the pain gets so unbearable tt i start to cry. it's the little girl in me tt never change. still remember when i was living with gm and i got sick. the pain got into me tt i woke up in the middle of the night and cry. then i will proceed to call my mum... and scared the hell out of her. imagine ur daughter call u in the middle of the night and start crying.. and only keep saying pain. this is an incident tt i will never forget. cos no matter how much disagreements me and mummy have or how not close we are. this is a mother-daughter thing tt will not change. instinct maybe? but ya... whimpering like a little puppy everytime i'm sick. when will this little girl in me disappear. somehow, i dun ever want it to disappear cos this is the only connectioni have with my mum now.

maybe right now, as much as i want to deny it, i'm just not strong enough to take care of myself. tt's why the little girl is still inside. as much as i wan to sae i've grown or become stronger or more independent, i cumble very easily. i feel so weak when i'm not feeling well. like sandcastle easily washed away by the waves.. when will i learn to stand strong and take care of myself? at this rate i'm going, i ve to depend on pple all the time?

m i not strong? i dunno how to take care of myself. will u take care of me? always..?