It's the last day of 2004. Many things happened. Had my fair share of happy and sad memories. Some memories that I still smile to and also some I rather keep and lock them up somewhere deep in my heart. New school which I am still adapting to. I won't give up no matter how tough some days may be; or how much i don't understand a thing about what the lecturers said. New year, new start and of course I always like to start my year with shopping! New template to begin my year with too. Thanks everyone who has been worried about me, who has been affected by me. In anyway that I've failed to do my part as a good friend, I offer my most sincere apologies. Bad memories has to go away and it's you guys around me that make it easier for me. I thank God for having friends like you all. You guys are really great. I thank a special someone out there who has been there through out listening and just simply being there, i promise you I would pick myself up from where I fell. No more signs of weakness from me. I too can be a survivor. New year with a new goal and new wishes. I simply hope I can still pick up from where I left off without much difficulty. But even with the difficulty, I would still hang on. Humans are not perfect, they make errors on the way. What matters most is you know where you go wrong and start anew, bearing in mind never to repeat them again. Survivors are people who pick themselves up after they fall and I want to be one too. And once again, thank you all my dear friends. Whether you know it or not, I really do appreciate all of you. God is fair and he always is. I love you guys. Muacks! Have a nice year ahead and keep me in your prayers while I'll keep you all in mine too. Hope everyone would stay happy and this is my new year wish.

i made this discovery long time ago, didn't bother me that much then but someone reminded me again now and this time, it really hit into my heart. leona=alone. the letters of my name can form the word alone. it's fated. people always say fate can be changed and this is what i say to others too but bullshit, it's so hard to change fate. so difficult, so torturing that it ends up hurting you more. i really hate x'mas. period. and this is the finaly conclusion. everyone out there are happy, with their beloved. so many couples out there that it makes me sick. why is everyone so goddamn happy about x'mas except me. why is everyone so fucking living in bliss except me. fuck, someone just take me away so i don't have to face all these shit.. somone just come.. please.....

Not very long ago, there was this 17 year old girl.
She was thrown into the deep end of the pool and she didn't know how to swim.
She struggled.
She thought she would die.
Then, she gave up totally.
She wanted to die.
As she sinked deeper and deeper into the pool, she realised how stupid she had been all this while.
There were floats around her to keep her alive but she chose not to see it.
She finally saw the light and she decided to give it a shot.
She struggled.
She reached out.
The float was just within her grasp.
And she got it.
She's saved.
However, it would be a long long time later when she would dare step anywhere near the pool again.

i can see my own damn flaws getting bigger and bigger in front of me, causing myself to see a very ugly side of me every single day. and it just don't get better. is rejection that difficult or is it just my own poor will. all the ugly evil creatures are eating me, biting me slowly and it hurts. it has always hurt. i've said once, i prefer hearing things being spoken to me rather than feel the things happening in front of me. because words do not lie. they are just thrown in front of you whether you like it or not but feelings can be wrong. i do trust my own instinct but they always tell me something negative... so i choose not to trust them. i want to hear it for myself. and true enough when i hear it, i don't like it. this sux.... it still hurts. ya, because i am young... whatever. this is not going to affect any part of my life. i can still do well in school, be a good friend to others. but leading a close to normal life doesn't mean it's normal. it's only close. and even if i m not wallowing in self pity, it doesn't mean that i stop hurting... wounds have not heal and already fresh wounds are up... what's this.... what's all this about.

seeing everyone living in bliss and contentment makes me wonder what's the true definition of bliss. i thought life was a bliss for me. i thought i found my true happiness but fate was cruel and unkind, it had to take everything away from me. leaving me nothing but a broken heart. i hate to admit this and i don't want to but i truly m*ss her. i know things are not the same for us and they never will ever be the same again but my heart refuses to listen to my head. my head always tells me to think logically and act practically but i was given a very rebellious heart who choose to let itself be shred and torn by the person i l*ve most. sometimes in my child-like mind, i asked myself why am i not chosen. why am i the one being abandoned. this black and dark pit feels so cold and empty. it's so cold in here. i just want to be someone by your side and to stay with you whether you are happy or sad, i guess it's too much to ask for. why say i am making assumptions when sometimes, your action already speak louder than words. your action tells all, i just chose to live in a world of deceit. here in my dark pit, i am surrounded by artificial affection and action. though not real, each and every thing that's passed to me slices my poor heart up even more. as this girl here sits in her pit, waiting for her only sunshine to come rescue her, tears well up because she knows deep down that her only sunshine would never rescue her ever again like the way she did long ago. memories of the past flashes back like it just happened yesterday. so, what's the real definition of bliss?

have you ever stand in a crowded public area and feel like screaming your head off at no one in particular? i have. have you ever wish for something so hard that you thought you might just die from wishing? i have. have you ever felt as if you simply have no control over your life and that you are just somone else viewing your life? i have. i don't like all these feelings.... i hate it. everyone says i am stronger or that i will get better. and i should take things as it comes. do they know how i really feel? it's ok. no one understands and i don;t want anyone to understand too.. what's the point... even if someone understands, i would still have all those feelings mentioned above... and everything still hurts alot.

everyone gives in to temptation at times. I am no exception. and i paid a great price for it. there are marks to prove it but whatever that's outside would heal. i am not sure about the inside and believe me, i don't care anymore. if this is what everyone wants to see on the outsider, then so be it. i can give it to them. it is easier to be a crowd pleaser, at least you know what to do. nothing can be tougher than dealing with yourself. no wonder there's da old saying. your greatest enemy is nobody but yourself... seriously... nothing can hurt me more than myself... and maybe it's down to one sentence. i don't care anymore. it doesn't matter whatever happens... this is fated. this is my goddamn pathetic life.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Looking into your eyes
I see no retreat
I see no backing away
All I see is the ugly truth you've brought to me

It doesn't matter how much I despaired
how much I care
The truth that you've brought to me only tells me
That there's no turning back

I see us in the future
I'm willing to be your one
I want to be by your side for as long as possible
if only you'd let me

I've given you my heart
only to be trampled on by you
why are you so cruel
to leave me alone

I pray to God that one day i would heal
but before that day arrive
I find that I may never feel
all because I love you so real

I've tried and I've given up. I told myself to move on and forget. I told myself not to look back. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to force myself to forget anymore because the fact is i can't. why bother to force myself when at the end of the day, I still see tears rolling down from my eyes. I am tired of pretending i am ok. I don't want to let those people who care about me down. I really truly want to tell you all I am okie and mean it but i can't. I can't stop the occasional tears that threatened to roll down. I suddenly want to question, what have I done to deserve this. Have I not been nice enough.. or have i not done enough charity. all I want is to be happy.. am i asking too much? why is happiness being taken away from me just like that. I dreamt and painted a beautiful picture of us in the future... why is it so easily destroyed. why am i not the chosen one. is it too much just to ask for happiness. I won't even be greedy. I just want a little bit... a little bit. i promise to be a really good girl? dun ask me whether m i ok anymore.. am tired of hearing that.. cos i really dunno what to say.... this is so difficult...especially when i m ill. why must i fall sick when no one's by my side to take care of me... i m not strong... though i really want to be... i really am not strong. you made me strong and proud to be living but you took that away from me. you made mi live with you beside me and now you choose to walk away. in what way m i not good... all my hopes and dreams are crushed. i want to do well and pursue a good career in the future with you beside me. encouraging me, supporting me. i've got pretty much nothing to lose now. why must this happen to me. came across this word, recluse. am pretty much like one now. this hurts. every single day i breathe, my wound just expand summore... hurts like hell.