pre warning, this is going to be a real whiny entry.. crosss this if u dun think u wanna read it.

if my life right now can be desribed as a plant, then i think i am withering. i wun die but there will be no bloom for me for the next few months coming up. i won't say time passes slowly cos it doesn't. seriously, i know before i know it, the 3 months is up. but i cannot begin to describe the pile of work that has to be done. my mentor is finally leaving today.. and den suddenly lots of things became my charge, things i know how to do, that's alright. things i do once only.. tt's errr.. i can try to figure my way out and also things i never do before like wad.. match bloomberg tics to wad....trade confos....? and wad??? i dunno.... had gastric tonight and it didn't get any better after i ate the cup noodles that i bought. my sotmach still hurts. my life is not the least bit healthy right nw.... wad with sitting in front of my desk, with my freaking ass growing bigger and late night dinners... and now worse, leading to gastric. i will be frail and brittle... and whithery... i dunno how to explain but i really feel like dying. i need nutrients... of love of concern of attention. i dun like working....... i dun like. i dun like i dun like. going back daily to a pile of docs, like that i rather i'm the one who fell ill and admitted to the hospital instead. it's tough covering two persons' job. seriously... no good lunch or nice colleagues can help. even with me trying to keep an optimistic self, refuses to go through this. i'm not born to be optimistic. so i try to be...... and this is the limit of someone who's only trying and learning.

YEAH!!!! GO AHEAD PEOPLE WHO READS THIS AND THINK I M WEAK. I AM!!!! SO WHAT!!!! NOBDY LOVES ME!!! NOBODY CARES!!!

being on the more rational side.... and this is for those who actually bother about poor dying leona, i know i will be a stronger person once i get through this. not only that, i would have made myself a not too bad resume to start things off with and also, money for licence as well as in cpf. and even this resume might not mean anything, i know what i've gained and tt's experience no money can buy. things will be fine. i know. i'll take things as they come. i guess i still have my moral support here and there. and somehow as a person who believes in signs, i know i'm being put in this for some reason and that is to make me stronger and to make me see clearer picture of wad's install for me in the future. no one said life is going to be easy..... but i guess right now, for poor poor me, support is important. utmost important. like an sms, esp at night makes things a whole lot of difference. or like calling my baby and he.aring his voice, although he dun tok much... tt makes me feel quite....

i guess he's right. or rather, everyone's right. i do think too much and always of things tt hasn't happen. and tt causes alot of unnecessary unhappiness. like i said, i put ur happiness before me and i think the only way for u to give me a perfect ten is that i stop thinking negatively.

but i question.. when i really can stop thinking negatively, what happens when my trust is broken, when lies are discovered, when all tt i believe in is actually air? i really cannot bear to put myself through the pain all over again. of trusting and then someone breaking of tt trust. i noe it will be too painful to even bear....

then again... this will not happen. this will not happen. i'll do my best, i'll be the best. at least to myself, i noe i tried, i noe i wasn't the cause of anything. i guess tt will be ok already. even if negative things were to happen in the future, i noe i was my best self and that things happen for a reason.

everything does.

okok.... pain pain go away....

still hurting