as the only child, i'm given the attention that i didn't know i desire. as i grew up, the attention i was always given seems to come so naturally that i didn't know i actually desire them. now that it is taken away from me, i realised how much i so desire. when i was young, i wilfully think that how can anything else be more important than me. than wad i want. than who i want. and yes.. of course, so naturally, what i want and who i want comes to me.

i never know that how selfish this kind of thought is until i fell in love. cos something tt i thought always come so naturally, which is something i so desire, is so hard to get. why am i brought up this way. in this environment with people sheltering me all the way that i dun even know that falling is pain and unbearable. and how to pick myself up. but of course, i learnt. i finally did. so naturally once again. i thought i've become stronger and much better than before. at least i noe falling hurts but i also noe how to pick myself up. i thought nothing can beat me again. i mean even if it does, i will noe how to handle it.

but... i guess upbringing goes right into the roots way deeper than anyone can think of. cos i'm being so protected once that i forgot there's many other ways of hurting besides falling. there's silence, there's abandoned, forgotten, loneliness. so many other feelings, so many ways of getting to me. i'm supposed to learn one by one.. how to get up from one by one. one single one by one. every single one.

whose fault is it here. i want to noe. but after getting answer.. where do i proceed from then... so lost. so sucky.