when i woke up this morning and pieced my broken illusions back to a piece, the image of my dream came alive once again. i thought those previous visions i had before were haunting but this was even worse. i admit defeat. just for a moment, i let my pride and ego down, for myself. indeed, lies are meant to be discovered. i'm not good at lying to myself after all. thought i could do better than this and that this treatment can last longer but at the end of the day, it remained a pack of lies behind those delusions.

i spent the time questioning myself. what is it that i cannot face. is it the big R or losing the big thing. do they mean the same after all. i can never unlock this chain and i'm not trying hard enough to. ironic it may seem but nothing is making sense these days. at times, i feel so short of breath, so lack of space yet this vast area seems so big alone. contradicting thoughts never leave me. they stay close to me, driving me to despondency.

i need a change. faith is all i've got.

my stained hands and soul will never make me the same before. desires surround me every now and then and i have to fight them alone. this will be it and this will remain it. period.