sometimes, i feel so small. i feel so insignificant. yet when i try to do things to make myself stand out, i always make a blunder out of it. i always happen to do the wrong things at the wrong time. is this me? i don't know. but i know it upsets people around me. maybe it makes me become a irritating girl. i really don't know. i try so hard to make things right, yet things still seem so wrong. i think i m just not good enough in everything i do.

my baby's flying to Brunei on the 1st jan, night. and tt's next week, with less than a week in between. we should be spending more time together so why is he still stuck in camp! camp simply shucks big time.

i'm still getting over the excitement regarding my driving just now. i know it's not my maiden drive, nor issit my first time on the highway but it's my longest drive, to and fro from one end of singapore to the other end. i drove my baby to camp and back.

these few days, i'm always used to drivin with baby beside me barking orders and giving me a tsk tsk look. so driving all the way to jurong with baby beside and amelia behind was alright. den the ride back only me and amelia. tt's what makes me so scared cos like i ve a life in my hands. ahaha, amelia darling also said first time sit car dun feel safe. i'm sorry. but still, i'm very very proud of myself. tampines to jurong and back. thanks amelia for being there and thanks for tt sweet sweet gift. hahahaa!!! dental floss ya!?

still.. i'm proud myself. and i'm sure baby too. hahaha.. and yes amelia too!!! my first official passenger!

When we have nothing better to do on the train. i love this boy of mine so much.

The christmas present from my baby-- the latest generation of ipod nano. It's smoking pretty, cos it's red!!!! I love it so so so so much!!! and thanks my baby, for the sweet engravings behind the ipod. makes it so so so special. i'm in love with it!

i think ever since cab fares increased, this form of public tranport is for the rich, not the late.

basically, there are only 4 categories to sum up all guys.

the first type is a bloke. a bloke is someone insensitive to girls' needs, maybe a little mcp, definitely not a girl's best friend. don't think this kind of guy is very bad. they should be pretty manly, like 100% guy tt kind and should also be more or less quite responsible. cos they believe they are the man in the house and would take responsible. like what someone say, bring the food home type of guy. but there are others who might argue, are blokes the male versions of blondes? i wonder...

next would be the metrosexual type of guys. needless to say, everyone should know what they are. totally different from a bloke. care about looks. maybe spend more time in the toilet and changing room than a girl. but these guys just happen to care more of how they look and i guess these type of guys would definitely be girls' best friends. easily mistaken as not straight...

smack right in the middle would be the bonds. bond coming from James Bond. A good guy, a guy who know what a girl wants and what a girl needs. a charmer i would say, can totally sweep a girl right off her feet. diff from a metrosexual would be that, they still carry a air of charm, manly charm. this category makes everyone's perfect or dream guy? many prince charming type of shows all depicts such a character.

and the last category will be gays of course.. and like what one would say.. gone. haha.... no offense of course. but i dun ve to explain the last category.

the long anticipated pasta. also my first dish to my baby ever and yet, after such a long time, we got a huge diappointment. used the wrong pasta sauce due to my wanting to be daring and try new stuff and it turned out very sucky. seriously, i think it tasted like bean sauce. you know the chinese bean sauce? but baby said it tased sourish due to the many pickles in the sauce. whatever it is, it's bad. we didn't finish it. sorry baby, i promised ur block leave pasta will be much better. and tt my skills will be back!

tonight is a night with such fond memories. like star awards with amelia. knowing she's on the other line watching star awards, i hope, probably as crazy and critical as i am. like like our ooohs and ahhhs, our this one unexpected! tt one dun deserve it! ahahhaa...... seriously, baby dun undnerstand.. but what are11 year friends for.. or issit 12!? and psssst amelia, he said we are bimbotic!! cos we critisize people tt way!

it's also a night when i get to tok to baby while he takes bus back and then hang up the phone saying, msg me before u sleep. hahaha.... but the only difference is i dun get to see him tmr like in the past. still, i'm very much looking forward to a beautiful week with him. especially the coming wednesday.

lots and lots of love! give me one more kiss!

finally the long awaited singing session. it brings back so much memories. singing is never enough with ur best girlfriends. it's like who cares about pitch and all, who cares whether you know how to sing or not, it's the company tt matters so much more. gosh, i miss singing with them already. please make it often (i know it's just a wishful thought). nonetheless, i can't wait for the 22nd to come.

after which, amelia and i supposedly go shopping but couldn't find anything. den den den... we went thai express for dinner den den den we ordered normal stuff for dinner. after which we just stayed on, chatted den den den we were tempted by some people eating pineapple rice beside us den den den we simply order more food. seriously, i feel so fat. i wanna go on a diet!!!!!!!

no more food for leona ever again.

i'm really looking forward to 20th, or maybe i should only look forward to one day as it comes. i love planning, i love to organise stuff, i love to have things to look forward to. things tt i can write in my organiser and wait for to come.

maybe tt's why i dun like last minute stuff. i dun like planning and organising when the people i plan and organise for might have a chance to be absent. not present. never mind, we'll see how it goes. it's going to be a very common phrase coming out from me for the next 2 yrs.

pardon my mood, i m slightly disappointed.

but i am really looking forward to 20th still!! at least it wun be so near yet so far.

In the nick of time, I was saved.

Love is patient and kind;it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

-- 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4

Indeed when I seeked for the truth, I'll accept the truth and from now on, trust. In the short paragraph above, i realise there's many things that i lack, many things that i want to find meaning in. many things worth exploring and many things to enhance the meaning of love. i'm glad i was shared with this paragraph, when i focus and meditate upon the words, minor things did not seem important anymore. indeed, once again, when i leave it in the hands of God, he'll always show me the way. it's really a test of trust. in God and in love. and i thank the one up there for showing me and teaching me this valuable lessson.

and also to my precious one, you have no idea how nervous i was before the whole thing and how relieved i was after the whole thing too. but i'm happy that things turn out how they did. so please don't love me lesser cos i worry more and more each day. hee...

i'm startin to lose whatever happiness i have left in me. i feel energy slowing sapping out of me. sleeping starts to be a huge problem to me and waking up is such a dread. i just want to get myself wasted every night. to drown all this uncertainties away.

will you just help me one more time? give me one more chance. please don't lie to me.

for two days, i've been hanging on to something that really makes my day, and sweeten me and something that makes me really really happy. but then for the past two days, i've been brooding over over some stuff. there's some inner struggle going on. i don't like this feeling. why is it that happy feelings cannot last? why issit that everytime at the peak of my blissfulness, something has to happen to rob me of my happiness? am i destined not to be happy for long in my life.

maybe tt's why everytime when i am really blessed and happy, i'm very scared. cos everytime after being happy comes unhappiness cos somewhere got there happiness just doesn't belong to me.

but at this point of time, i've come to terms with the situation already. i love him too much to sacrifice everything. to bear with everything, to swallow everything even the remaining very little of my pride. at least i know now that i loves him and that i'm happy. of course i hope i give him that kind of feeling too but what matters is that i put my whole heart into it. and i know i can face my own conscience.

i'm trying to be happy again. maybe missing him makes things worse. actually, i don't know which is worst, missing him or not getting answers. but like what i say, i love him, i should be willing to give up whatever thoughts, ideas i have.

Dear God, i hope he know this. know that i am really happy with him, know that i really want to love him in everyway i can, with every ability i know. know that i only want the best for him and know that i really want to cherish him better and treasure this relationship i have with him. and i hope he noes i wanna trust him and that i wan him in my future.

and thanks for those who consoled me in one way or another. let's hope everything will turn out fine.

angel dearie, you have no idea how happpy you made me by tagging the 3 messages i saw. now i know, not only do i need sugar intake, i need to feel loved by my friends. loved and remembered!!! cos i m really happy after seeing my tags!! i love u angel.

i know why am i not happy all the time... i've low intake of sugar. someone say before.. sugar makes one happy right?? i'm rejecting sugar. i used to be able to share one tub of ice cream with baby, but now, just a few mouths i would think it's too sweet. i dun ve a sweet tooth, thus i m not a happy girl.

i'm learning how to be thanful so i'll start with this really small thing. thanks baby for the mango. =) not cos it's nice to eat but cos u bought it, cut it for me. and to add on, cuttin in in cubes not really easy to eat. if u are reading this.

thank you

(edited)

thanks angel dearie.. now at least i noe i have uuuuuuu =) btw, u are not replying my msn!!!

i was wondering why i dun blog so often anymore. then i chanced upon someone's blog and she has like details what she and her bf do all day. well, as a matter of fact, i think she meets her bf everyday so it's like details of everything tt they did. right to the most minor details. it's like to be filmed for a movie type. then i was thinking, actually, i can blog my weekends out this way too yea? but then again, who's actually interested and wants to read and know what me and baby does for the weekend??

i used to think staying over for the night, or staying over at ur significant half's place symbolises.... naughty stuff. i guess tt's what mummy thought initially.. but i m enjoying our brief weekend of living in together. trust me, my room is becoming half his to the extent that he buys new stuff and leave it at my place, not even bring home?? i used to think we must hug, cuddle to sleep... but i guess married couples of 10 yrs dun do tt anymore right? but ya, we dun do tt anymore.. cos now, i sleep before he does. he's infactuated with the computer on every sat night. which explains everyone, why i cannot be found online sat night and i have to sleep early cos we need to wake up for early chuch. but sleeping early is good too cos i would ve energy to wake up and cook breakfast for him. okok.. am i describing every details here?

i have lotsa stuff going on in my head right now. i hope to deal with it soon, before the year ends as well as enjoy my december! my beloved dec. oh... baby say i have to write a list of my cravings... gosh, i wanna eat sashimi, steamboat, dtf, good prata, good pasta!! and the best part is i m gg on a diet tmr. =( darn it.

but i need to wave good bye to flabs, fats and say hello to a slimmer waistline. fundamentally, i need to buy new running shoes and yoga mat! tt's only basics.. i haven't mention weights, medcine ball, gym attire fron lonsdale!! (sorry peeps, i'm not hinting any gifts, it's to my baby) oh well, tt's if he reads it.... he wun be back till sat. no calls, no anything..

=/

i slowly realised whenever i am happy, i tend to forget people around me, forgot what makes me happy, forgot it was people who made me happy and become obnoxious. this is very bad because i say things i dun mean that way, and i care very little how others feel. whenever tt happens, i act like such a brat and start to do things and say things which i terribly regret after that.

i forgot it was people who made me who i become today. i m so heartless, cos i forgot to show people appreciative gestures, i forgot to tell people thank you and i forgot what's the most basic thing to do to keep r/s between people workable.

i m starting to dislike myself. if ever one day i were to die friendless.... i know why.