who ever said that being bad is very easy is lying. what happened to the guilt department? I'm pretty sure that part stands a very big portion in everyone's heart. of course, I am not inlcuding those heartless people. how bad I want to get, I can't be. sad to say, I might truly be a good person right from the bottom of my heart. I am not saying being bad just means stealing, robbing, smoking and drinking. That's only on the surface... people who are truly bad do bigger things.. like terrorists? or people who plot and scheme against others. I want to become like that too but before I can think any further, I got stuck in the guilt department as usual. I can't plot. I can't scheme. maybe that's why i can never win. I am just too nice for my own good. this is just one of my weakness... there are actually more. can't afford to say it all at one shot. if i do, I would just have to kill myself at the end because I am too ashamed to face the world. This sux. and it's been long since i said it. Life sux.

F:

You've come upon a Rough
Stretch. Canyou make it through? You've come upon hard times.
Things aren't looking so goodto you and your life has seem to collapse into a
downward spiral. You've lostyour way and can't seem to find the right path to
take. You are probablydepressed and feeling lonely as you've lost sight
of those who love you. You maywander through this road with a few others like you
and are able to comfort themas they comfort you, but it is not enough. You've
lost something, maybe someoneclose, and with it you lost your faith in life.
You're probably confused andunsure what to do next. But the way will become
clear eventually. It alwaysdoes. This stretch that lies before you seems
never-ending and not worthtraveling. But don't let yourself fall, you may
have stumbled upon this,but pick yourself up as best you can and hold on to
that little bit of faith youhave. The road isn't as endless as it seems. All
things, good and bad must cometo and end. This too shall pass and you'll be
amazed at what good lay beyond itif you just find the strength within yourself to
try and make it.

we broke up. woah, I am amazed that I could even bring myself to type these wrods. but anyway, it's a fact. I've done everything a woman can possibly do when heartbroken. I've cried. I've despaired. I've asked God why is it so unfair. I've asked everyone is it my fault. I've been blaming myself, blaming her. cursing and swearing. and last night was the final straw. It just serve no purpose if i keep complaining to my friends.. keep crying to my friends, keep telling my friends how miserable i felt, i need to tell this to the person who caused it all and ta da, i acted like a crazy woman on the phone last night. I just kept scolding her without any hold back. it just came all out.. all of it.. the tears, all the words. what's the point of keeping those words to myself anymore when i can't even retain the heart. I know one fine day, i m going to wake up and realised how stupid i was to do such a thing. and what a disgrace i was but it helped. alot. i really felt much better. but i am still not ready to see her or hear her voice or anything. not ready to hear who she might like.. or who she have a crush on. it's just too much. so ya, i need time. when i am ready, i know i would be a much better person. yan say i am a strong person. am i really one.. i really got to find out myself.

woah. all the accumulated small sickness here and there finally lead to the final breakdown. was running a temperature of 39.5 degrees and it stayed this way for half the afternoon. actually, was feeling a little sick, had cough last night. i thought it would go away, but it didn't this morning. moreover, i was feeling freaking pissed off this morning. went to work, my cough didn't get better... wasn't soo angry but still didn't feel good. den came the last straw. just when i was about to leave work for home, which i simply can't wait, the rain came.... it's not that i didn't want to stay there longer to wait for the rain to stop, but i had nothing to do even if i stayed down there. so i walked to the mrt station in the rain. almost died when i was jay walking. mi slippers were so slippery that they came off. right in the middle of the road! gosh.. i had to walk back to the middle of the road to retrieve it. den and there, i thought i would die... but this is nothing compared to after i came home. was feeling very very miserable.... and terrible... no appetite... and like m coughing and sneezing non stop... temperature as high as ever.. i really thought i would die? cos like i was literally burning from the inside.... and yet at the same time, felt sooo cold... gosh... i m such a weakling... i know that, so i don't need anyone to remind me that, thank you very much. *sneeze and sneeze*
~am on a medical vacation~
might take a long time to recover... but.. oh well....

just woke up not too long ago. it's always at other people's hse that i can sleep in for so long. it feels good. everything feels good. it feels good that jie is finally back! ahaha, had nose bleeding last night. damn scary.. and those 2 heartless cousins of mine sae it's a usual thing for me so they totally ignored me.. hmph! could have slept longer today but i woke up because mi nose bleeding started again... woah... must be really heaty. had very nice dreams.... *smiles* things that can only happen in my dreams now. things i can only hear in my dreams now. sigh. being in my cousins' hse brought back lotsa memories... though all of us are different in some ways or others now, there are still some factors that will not change. no matter what happenes, we wld still be together and i know they still love mi. =) thanx everyone for being there physically or mentally.. wadever it is.. u guys have been great. at least i am not alone. i know i will never be right... =) jie is back... and she's looking for a job.. mi the other cousin will only finish her o levels tommorow. and after that, she's gonna be soo busy. that leaves me, still soo free.. hanging around... well, at least i have a job... lalala.. life still goes on... here's the old line from Johnsons' and Johnsons'--- no more tears.

i am totally shattered.

what a rainy rainy day. the end of my jeans never seem to be dry. was feeling rather uncomfortable yesterday, took panadols and went to sleep. had a rather good sleep, so good till i was late to meet xuanming. we are meeting the rest of them at ps to watch movie. okie.. here's the thing. i watched shutter with them today. leona went to watch a scary movie... wad an achievement yea? ahaha, everyone please sae they are proud of me... however, half the time i was covering my ears and another half covering my eyes. i dun really dare to watch the screen as a whole so i watched them from a corner of my eyes or something. anyway, i m very irritated with those 'kids' sitting behind us.. scared then sae scared lah.. a while scream scream abit.. a while giggle soo much.. den keep kicking the chair.. wahlao.. they are damn noisy and annoying lor... grrr.... after the movie.. we headed to the cc for the kindergarten graduation. lalala.. it's finally the day of graduation.... very noisy... with parents all around.. sum kids playing loudy... sum kids crying.. for wad i dunno.. ahaha.. many problems cropped up today.. such as the stage curtain could not open... it was really rather embarrassing.. cos the mp was sitting down liao and we took a long time to figure things out.. had to push forward sum other items... ahaha.. den it was the snow white skit... haik.. their voices can't even be picked up by the microphones lor! haik.. luckily the dance turned out fine... and i even shook hands with the mp todae.. the doctor vivien sumthing... they gave us a token of appreciation.. a gift from body shop.. ahahha... cool... i m starting to miss those kids... it's always like this... few months of practise all for one night.. and it's gone just like that..

i have no idea what is going on but my body is feeling damn hot and i m feeling cold from the inside. my head hurts and da same goes for my feet as well. i can explain why my feet hurts though. today is the first day of mi work, stand for a rather long time. actually, this is nothing compared to those daes where i had to work at the food court.. i mean wad.. i had to work 12 hours. i guessed it's just that it's been so long since i worked... have been slacking and lazing around.. and tt's why now just start working.. a while tired liao... need to get used to working... can't blog anymore... mi head really hurts and m really feeling hot... i m not sooo pathetic right.. where got work one day sick liao...

happy birthday charmaine! that ger ar, got alot and alot to tok abt.. a slightly better version of cf. ahaha, a rather packed day. woke up early this morning and headed straight to the kindergarten or rather the cc as they are having a full dress rehearsal there. woah, very hectic.. eveyone is very frantic.. not very organised and as u can imagine, putting soo many little boys and girls there, the amount of noise level you get. you can't hear very well in there. hmmm, the items that we are in charge of didn't turn out very well and we wun have another rehearsal anymore until the actual day, m afraid it wun come out well. i mean what does it reflect on us. haik, wld see how it goes on friday. i m actually anticipating that day to come. another function that can dress up a little. wooo... =) after the kindergarten thingy, rushed back from buona vista to have organ lesson.. and after i came out from the showers, she already reached my place.. and by the time the lesson ends, i need to rush to bugis to meet the rest... note that from morning until 5 plus in the evening.. i did not eat anything! and mi transportation fees increases rapidly! after meeting all of them except the bdae girl of cos, we went straight to buy birthday cake and flowers... and then yan, cf and angel headed to phin's while boon and i waited for charmaine to reach bugis... i waited and waited and my tummy growling and growling. after char arrives, we rushed to phin's. nice place. but i waited for a very long time before mi food came and hello? i m the one who did not eat a thing since morning.. i waited almost a hour for mi food.. luckily, i also ordered a mushroom soup that came earlier. it was a mega talking session with charmaine taking the lead.. i dun mind cos didn't really feel like toking much.. too hungry u see. den pic takin.. forgot to bring my samsung fone there... wad a waste! sang bdae song.. ate cake.. and we are ready to leave... hanged around at bugis with char and yan while the rest of them went home first. the 3 of us soo poor thing.. with blisters on our feet.. ahaha, vain mah.. 3 of us wear heels! mine not soo bad as yan and char wan.. and then fx came to pick us up and send char and i home.. lalala.. save $$ on transportation... =) soo here i m home.. ready to bathe and watch my show.

charmaine and me.... though not perfect bodies... but close lah.. hor?? ahaha  

what's wrong with mediacorp! what's wrong with the champions!? what's wrong with the scriptwriter? izzit scared the ending he or she write we wun like it? tt's y need viewers to vote for the ending.. sooo crappy right!? soooo damn crappy! summore wld show the ending only tmr??? what the hell... i wun be home to watch tmr lor! crap crap crap! went sentosa today with charmaine, winnie and cf. ahaha, no sun. my mama will love it manz. and i did sumthing soo brave today that even i m proud of myself. i swam across the waters!! i know it's no big deal to sum people out there but it's a great achievement for mi u noe. sumone like me soo scared of leg not being able to touch the ground can swim across... by the time i got there, i m soo breathless! i really feel sooo dead and giddy!!! i felt as if i just went through an ordeal! ahaha, i rested a damn long time that i even ask cf go back first cos she swam there with me. i rested and rested.. finally decided to swim back.. felt sooo terrible after that.. head soo giddy.. just feel like dropping down and die! i drank soo much water.. the water is soooo salty... it will be a long long time later after i decided to be ambitious again... after that, 4 of us went sakae to eat... wow.. it was a damn rushy meal manz.. if charmaine reads this, she will noe why.. but i decided not to spoil her beautiful reputation by saying this cos by 12 midnight.. it's her birthday! ahaha... sooo her parents send mi back.. dozed off a little on the car... had a very scary experience crossing many many big roads at a time.. thoughy anytime i wld just hear BANG! and i wld lie there flat! ahaha.. anyway, m safely home.. tmr is kindergarten day... wooo... full dress rehearsal manz.. good luck to those kids... maybe i wld miss them... =)

i guess things are all over. or rather, i would choose to think this way. no answers, no replies. things are getting d.i.f.f.e.r.e.n.t. i don't know how to handle them anymore. time to get back on track. even if i don't, the whole world is still moving on. people are still having o levels, people are still working day in, day out. nothing's changed. everyone seemed to be moving so fast ahead that no one actually heard my heart breaking into pieces. just a tiny sound. i don't want to cry for help. i don't need help. what's the point. on the track to recovery, allow me to sae i miss you. i know that she probably won't care. but i can't help it. i really do. looks like i m destined to spend every x'mas alone. that's why i hate x'mas that much. thought i wld change my opinion this year, everything is destined.

I am not happy. I am tired but who else can i blame except my goddamn self. you have been patient with me, more than your usual self can allow. you have been tolerating. you have been very good to me. what more can i ask from you? you are just what i want and need so what's with me being unreasonable. me being petty, me being overly sensitive and emotional, me being a freaking bitch. one whom everyone wants to avoid at all costs. i m surprised at your patience and i m very thankful for it so why am i being such a greedy bitch? this is the cause of my unhappiness. all the fault lies in me. why do i always like to spoil every perfect moment. every little unhappiness and argument these daes are caused by none other than me. i want to bring you happiness. be an angel guarding and protecting you. but an angel does not cause you to frown. an angel should not even make you unhappy. i failed terribly and i am ashamed. maybe i m really tired. physically and it can be seen on my face. my freaking eye rings are getting worse and i look like a bloody drug addict. pale and lifeless.

sorry baby for everything. I don't want you to be upset and much less, see you frown. It's me and my greed that cause my unhappiness. You have been great. Thanx for everything you've done. I m blessed to have you. really. do bear with me at times when i am nothing but a childish brat. i m sorry...

me when i was over at her place. =) i like this particular picture.. both wearing white... pure and lovely! =) 

here i am again at my darling's house or else i wun be able to blog anyway. was a tiring day, didn't sleep at all from yesterday until this morning at 10 am. finally bought mi jigsaw puzzle... very nice. with many sunflowers. 1000 pieces and i tink i m addicted. can't stop wanting to finish it up.. i love it. m shure it can take away my concentration for sum unwanted stuff. way to go gal! okie, so friday, i went for mi class bbq. not the whole class was there though, just a few of us. tonight is the night where most of our classmates wld be there but i have decided to give it a miss cos i wanna spend time with my dearest. she's off today and on ph tmr.. =) the bbq was alright. not bad but not great. i like the stingray though, jack marinated it himself. he's very proud of it i noe. however, his marinated chix wings is too salty... there's also otah, dough sticks (first time eating this at a bbq), prawns, i didnt eat much cos i was too lazy to peel, and there's no sausages! hmph! n no prok tt he sae he wld marinate, ahaha, but i tink tonight wld be the more food night.. oh well, i have my dear. =) we are gonna eat steamboat later. anyway, after the bbq, hanged out there a while to play daidee and bit bit mahjong. or rather, i was watching pple play mahjong. too many pple, can't all play at the same time. after i left the place, headed straight to baby's place to bathe and off we headed to town to watch princess diaries 2. i noe she's not very keen abt watching this show. she tinks the money wun be worth it. but i like! sooo.. ahaha. after the show ended abt 4 plus, she drove us back and by the time we were on the bed, it's 5... i decided to watch singapore idol (she recorded for me) and by the time we watched finish, her parents are up and we decided to go out for dimsum breakfast. woah... i was quite stony at the breakfast table. felt like i was floating...kept yawning. baby and i wanted to go town to get bedsheets. however, the shops are not opened at like 9 plus in the morning. when reached home, i literally died on the bed. slept from ten plus this morning to abt 4:30 in the afternoon.. =) felt much much better after the sleep. woke up and did sum cleaning up of the room with her. =) i wun do this at home for my bedroom wan lor. power of love manz.. =) gotta go bathe soon and head out to eat steamboat with her... lalala~

me and xiuwen at coffeebean todae. met up with her... m missing her already. can't wait to see her again. i miss all my frens... 

I can't blog at home!! there's something wrong with my computer... =( haik, m at her house now then better faster blog. have been leading rather meaningless life ever since my exams ended. hmm, waiting for my results now. went to the kindergarten just now. since our exams ended and their graduation day is nearing, we need to go there more often and get them to practise their dance steps and their skit. gosh, those kids are after my blood can. they are so loud and noisy, even worse than putting three women together, which is said to be like a market. i tink iwas on the edge to vomit blood can. i shouted, i showed black face, i showed attitude. i threatened them, scolded them and insulted them. i did everything that i can possibly do. gosh. what's wrong with them, i m not even asking them to perfect their performance, just asking them to shut up for once, and they can't even do that. yucks. the highlight of the day is that baby went to the kindergarten to pick me up.. sooo sweet of her. =) i made sushi for her yesterday and gave it to her.. baby only gave mi 5 marks. =( nvm.. i noe where the fault lies in. if i have the time and energy and the interest, i shall make it for her again. m glad i passed and at least she finished all the sushi. =) exams ended liao.. what should i do manz... hmmm.... m really bored.. waiting for all those jc pple to finish their pw.. someone date mi out! now! fast please... bored... something not very nice happened on monday. make mi pause to think. i want to take a holiday being myself cos if i continue being myself, there's no way i can get what i want. it's time to learn again, dun let mi guard down. things wld never be happily ever after and that i can't take things for granted yea.. anyway, looking forward to this weekend. wun get another chance to blog till den.