there are two things i wanan do before 2008 ends:

1. Go the the beach
2. Go Singapore coin museum

i learnt something important today. how to keep my cool and reason with myself. either that, or i try reasoning myself verbally if i really have to scream and shout it off. because somethings, really make u so mad that 4 letter words just keep coming out!!!! grr, here i go again.

some movies never fail to make me cry. touched my heart. i shall not mention wad movies cos if i do... people might just huh? u will cry over such movie. hello.. i m someone who can cry over commercials, i'm that emotional.

looking forward to next weekend already. why are weekends always so short??!!!! apparently, i feel i m the only one who thinks so.

feeling v distorted now, my thoughts. shall straighten up tmr after a good sleep.

these items are on my top 3 list of favourite snacks at the moment:

1. Lao Po bing (original)
2. Teddy chocolate biscuits
3. Apple

hmmmm hmmmm, i have a whole list of things to do and i'm sure this list is long. well, i've got the important, requires time and most importantly, the no brainers things done. and i'm proud of myself. just that, when am i going to do some work that required my brain which i am sure is rusty by now.

there are hw to be done, studies left untouched and i really wan to pick it up sooon. but.... i need more than talk. i need some action. which i clearly am lacking right now. the's the month of nov... cos it's the month before dec. and dec is seen to me as holiday mood.

ok. i know that's an excuse... but darn it. can somewhere put some zest into me!!!!

after all this time, you're the only one who can make me feel pretty. yet u are also capable of taking all my breath away at one go.

handphones are such a troublesome thing. at times, u rather just chuck it away but mostly, you can't live with it. what i hate about it is when i text someone, the agony of waiting for the reply is so excruciating that i simply either turn it off or just turn off sound and vibration. this is a trouble i notice that i have ever since 4 years ago.

and since waiting time seemed to drag.. i seriously just wanna chuck it away. so i noe no one could contact me even if they try. rather than knowing clearly no one try to contact me @ all. i just can't stand the pain of the latter.

time to put down my pride and be a happy girl.

sometimes, if we were a little more patient, maybe we could have got what we wanted?

this is what i always tell myself when i found out i could have gotten something better than what i went after when i thought i could no longer have the former. and then, i would regret and started thinking, if only i had waited.

a nice sunday spent thus far. church in the morning, brunch at the hawker centre, 3 muffins, den home. marinated the chicken i wanna cook tonight. for myself. but no, i don't feel lonely, maybe this is how someone feel when they can truly understand contentment. but no, i won't lie by saying i'm at that stage already but right now, i am contented.

i know people out there are concerned about me in one way or another and i felt the love and concern during the course of the week that passed. thanks everyone, i'm putting the pieces back tgt slowly, making sense as it goes. but i think it's going to be fine.

right now, i just need to pack my room!!!!

it's been more than a week i think. i lost track of the time. i don't want to think nor do i want to worry about what lies ahead. it has nothing to do with making myself happy at this point in time of my life. here i am, struggling, to find my happiness, i don't want to be pulled down, away our out anymore. i wan to work towards it.

bottom line, i don't care anymore.

Giving up something after a long while of thinking you already have it or own it is not an easy task. not easy is not even indepth enough to descrbe how tough it is but nonetheless, i chose to do it. as we all know, people who assume always makes an ass out of themselves and how many times in my life have i done that. i thought i was over that phase, but no, i'm still me. i've not changed.

yesterday, i played a game of fate and lost. so wad, i should listen to what fate tells me? or twist the meaning of fate ot suit my liking. i end up deciding that i shouldn't even leave this to the hands of fate in the first place. it's stupid.

someone said once in church. When we pray for something that we want, God don't just give it to us, instead, he'll give us a opportunity to gain it ourselves. God really answers my prayers. whenever i pray for something, he'll always give me a situation to learn and obtain the thing i want. it's amazing cos he always catches me off guard, like when i pray for a chance to be nicer to my mum, the opportunity he gives me happened a few days later that i wasn't prepared for and i always end up not getting the thing i want. but God never stop giving me chances. i'll always afraid of taking things for granted and yet, even when i know it, i still take it for granted, be it subconsiously or wad. will i be forsaken one day? will i not be given any more chances are my constant fears.

i've always lived in a world without lies and deceit from others so why do i always have trust issue. i guess i've always lived in a world where i lie to myself. a world where i created and put in the people i want, and even create the ending. i mean, since when ending can be anticipated. no one can be 100% sure of anything. not even in medical science. there are always miracles. in a world i created myself, things around me are there for a purpose. and don't know since when, i start to feel people are there for a purpose too. but in reality, people come and go, endings cannot be anticipated and people around me are not there for the sole purpose to accompany me and keep me happy. true, friends and family are accompanying us through our road of journey but they too have their own journey to walk. who am i to make them come into my world to fulfill their duties to me only and forsaking their world.

i need to learn to deal with my negative thoughts, like sadness, jealousy and so on. i lie to myself i'm happy that's why i never know how to find real happiness. i need to tell myself i'm not happy and den fully embrace that emotion and finally learning how to overcome it.

so here i m giving up the things i dun even own in the first place. cos the interesting part about life is that u will never know what u will get. though i experienced bitter and sad times, but i've had my fair share of happiness as well. i cannot create a world always full of happiness because by doing so, i've caused others to be upset. and this doesn't make me any happier than before. so when i leave life outside of my hands, it becomes a 50/50 thing. i could gain the most and be truly happy or i could lose people i value but this is my life. and i need to know how to make the right choices. i cannot be manipulative with people so that i get the ending i want. what about ending other people want.

this is really difficult for me cos i never really leave such things outside my control. but i m going to do it, praying for the best to happen.

seriously, if one day i end up vanishing, i won't even be surprised i walked to that stage of my life. as if being bitter and all is not enough, i feel like i have so much pent up emotions in me. emotions that i cannot put a name to and each and every day is slowly draining me of energy and strength.

tt's why i always end my night praying for it..