what can i say about the past 6 days that we spent together? you can make me boiling hot, make me mad and fury, yet you can still make me adore you and love you like crazy. haha...

so because of these lovely days and this lovely boy, here comes hell. for me. all the way to 22nd may! though my exam officially ends on 3rd june, but 22nd may i can take a breather already.

yes.. work hard for my lovely june to come!

sometimes i totally feel so defeated though. and all it takes is someone, something, some look or some action for me to feel this way. i suspect my incapability or ignorance to love. then again, maybe i just need that nudge.

finally got my beloved back in my arms. how time flies seriously, he's going to commission soon as an officer, provided he don't suddenly get ooc of course. but something kinda surprised me yesterday when i was at the airport. while waiting for him, my heart actually cannot stop pounding. ok, pounding is normal, but my heart is actually beating fast and i'm actually nervous and shy about meeting him. it's like i falling in love all over again, that kinda feeling. haha. tell me it's normal. cos i suddenly recall the first time my heart actually beat this hard and fast for this boy-becoming-man of mine.

i shall not go on about the gifts he bought. but i appreciate all that he bought and all. most importantly, i thank God he's safe and sound, losing only 1.5kg. i'm really a happy girl. i lose 1kg, but it's so going to come back just one day after his return. what with Mcgriddles for breakfast and sushi for dinner and a sumptous breakfast i intend to whip up for him tmr morning. while shopping at NTUC just now, i ended up chatting with the aunty that sells ham. haha... and while nic is gone to take other stuff i need, aunty secretly told me he's a good man. haha!! i smiled like an idiot. LOL.. it's just hilarious.

anyway, after his taiwan trip, our next year holiday plan became very clear. no Outbacks, no London, no beaches, bali or phucket, believe it or not, we're actually going taipei. lol.... settled and confirmed. haha, apparently, there's so many things he wanna see and visit, no chance. so taipei, and hopefully other parts of taiwan, here we come.

half a year more and we'll be able to get our next symbol of love. one yr one and we're able to go on our first holiday. the list goes on, but this is short term stuff to look forward to. and i love this boy and the life he's going to give me. =)

WORK HARD, LEONA! everything is going so well, you dun wanna destroy all that u stood for.

i'n in a pretty foul mood. it seems that i cannot finish studying. how do one memorise the two tb for one day's worth of exams. and further more, one of the module is my arch enemy. i m losing hope, day by day. i seemed to be mugging like next week is my exams, but i really am starting to panic like next week is my exams.

this is the price to pay for what i chose. i asked for it. and now, though i am not regretting, i am wishing this would all be over. i should start to mia, seriously. to study. me, my mj table and my lamp.

=(

an unexpected message that came in late at night brought silly me to tears.

receiving the letter of notification is like a big slap to my face that i should get back to books, get back to studying and serious studying is required. i've been studying but i'm very distracted. i can't wait for this thursday to come so that i will know if my baby is back in camp safely. keep having weird dreams, just feeling a little unsettled. of course i can't wait for next monday. when he's back in my arms.

i'm feeling so so so so so so sian! nothing can cheer me up mans, maybe dosage of good food. but for now, i'll take fruit juice as substiture. i'm in love with marigold peel fresh!

it's been 12 days since your departure. i guess the effect is kicking in finally. my tracks are getting a little blurry and i don't know where this long-winding road will take me. or even when it ends. i'm just bumping along the way, trying to toughen myself up as day by day goes by. don't get me wrong, i'm not being weak here. i'ts just this effect coming all over me, that's making everyday difficult to get by.

school officially ends. cos i choose not to go this sat's class after the last one i go last week. it's crap. i'm pretty much on my own. there's alot at stake. and i don't wanna be a loser after the end ofthe game. yet, i'm not hardworking enough. grr, mummy didn't give me interllect when she gave birth to me, why didn't she pass her genes of perserverence or hardworking-ness like she so proclaimed she had? i have neither. tt's doom to fail yea!???

let's go library and study again. i love it there

sometimes, kid's memory amazes and amuses me. apparently, sometime ago (i cannot even remember when), my student wanted to give a notebook as a gift. it's a kiddy notebook, and i have no use for it. at that point of time, i wanted to reject it so i flipped abit and say, i dun like notebook inside got scribbles and all. some pages had some drawings here and there.

today after lesson ended, the student gave me the notebook (i couldn't even recognise it's the same notbook). i thought again, i have no use for a kiddy notebook, so i flipped open and say, i don't like notebooks that got nothing inside. so plain (see how fast my brain work when it comes to rejecting things). but of course after i made tt comment, he sae, but u sae u dun like got things inside so i tear out those pages! den i realised it's the same notebook!!! and i cannot reject it anymore. so there it is now, inside my bag. haha

yes, my bad

i finally officially completed one whole module, as in complete studying it. and i used up almost the whole A4 size exercise book. i can feel the studying mode turning on and warming up slowly already. so as I am deciding which other module to start, i realised i haven't touch one single module at all, study guide brand new and it only makes it worse when i saw someone studying that in the library yesterday. his study guide don't look as new.

yes, i love the library. i think library makes it really conducive for me to study cos it's public area, u cannot keep standing up, sitting down, and cos it's not a school library, they're more strict which means no discussion at all. under such an envrionment, i'm forced to shut up and be more disciplined. i love the library, but i dun like it if i am alone. it feels too lonely, no one to smile to when u look up. anyway, i always feel something for libraries, like when i was really young, i thought my first crush would be someone i met from the library. cliche yeah i know. haha...

i'm sticking to my plans and i'm really really thrilled by it. i know yan finishes exams today. so which means, i can date her out on sat. go chill up abit then go home continue to mug. no more viwawa for me. at least not more than one hr tt kind. can so feel my ranking going down, but the ranking part is wad makes it SERIOUSLY addicitive, at least for me. 15 more days to the boy's return. i'm really excited, but i cannot even wait for his R&R to come, meaning more messages and maybe if he can afford, he can even call. die, i m beginning to forget how he sound...

sometimes i wonder, how people remember each other without meeting for a long time. like how i can remember how he sounds, how he looks like, his little actions? but i guess things always have a way round it. like in my hse, i can still feel his existence, like whenever i thought i would stop thinking abt him, there are things ard to remind me that hey, he still exists, how to so easily forget. his perfume, his guitar stand, his amp, his jacket... too many to list.

haha... on a random note, i love it when i see people leave a comment for me. cos seriously, i'm thinking who still reads about my boring life? as in.. who is even interested to read? i bet u guys ar, is come my blog, scan through. see got major change in me or not. right!?? see.. some of u are already smiling to urself already. tsk....\

back to books!

it's good to make plans. to cheer myself up. like although class didn't end as early as expected, i got a friend who took notes for me as well as told me wad to copy and stuff. thought i was a loner, but at least i have a friend who bothered.

then went toa payoh. lots of good memories man. apparently, the mian sua is still there, in the red bowl. the fried kuay tiao too, and the lor mee is still there!! the chicken rice, same stall i think and the veggie rice! i remember last time choir camp, we used to pack rice for their dinner from there. it's still there!!! haha... then i rode chin's bike back home and from there home, rushed all the way to IKEA, cos i was afraid i might not ve enough time to shop.

going IKEA makes me happy. i love that place, seeing all the stuff, i really wish i got my own place. then i will buy all the DIY stuff. and fix... okok.. i will get someone else to fix of course. and of course i love the hotdog bun, with tomato sauce. I was quite tempted to get the ikea chair. but i got no table to go with it... wanted to get it for studying purpose. i'm like trying to motivate myself by getting new stuff.

and there's dinner @ astons. =) i love plans.... thanks everyone who made my sat happy. next week must must mug hard... to enjoy the after work plans. =) lalalalala

i m feeling so irritable now. all i wan is to shout and grumble, pick a fight and scream my lungs out. i m feeling so angry........ and i have to contain all these emotions in me and explode.

i will die from swallowing my anger

when my students ask me how to improve their vocabulary, i told them it's very difficult to suddenly excel in it. and especially so, when they don't have the habit of reading books or let's say speaking english at home. this kind of thing is gradually one. like even if u start reading lots of books now, u might not be able to absorb at such a fast rate. in any way, i've decided to let my kids read from young.

anyway, what i didn't tell my students is that another reason how u can do better is to love the subject. love english, love literature. and don't get me wrong, i don't mean i love doing compositions, or comprehension, or situatuonal writing, it's just that by loving the subject, i understand what alot of words mean. i may not have thought of using the word doesn't mean i don't understand the word. let's say for example, i use happy but that doesn't mean i don't understand the word elated or thrilled. i enjoy reading beautiful articles cos i enjoy reading how writers use beautiful words to describe something.

it's like saying i miss the boy is understating the phrase missing someone. because i m not a good writer, i can't make a beautiful poem out of missing someone. or i can't express the deeper feelings within me regarding missing him. but that doesn't mean i dun understand when i see writers writing beautifully about missing someone. so that's where vocab is all about. to use it is another level. at a normal level, understanding is good enough. knowing alot of words is good enough.

i used to love wednesdays, cos after wed, the whole week will pass quickly and before i know it, the weekends will be here. but i got nothing to look forward this weekend. so ya, these 20 odd days will just pass slowly.. sian-ness, after all the studying, i got nothing to look forward to this weekend

amelia was casually saying my house the lighting for studying is not so ideal and i kinda agree. i know it from long long ago when i tried to study one night, or sometimes even in the afternoon, the lighting is just no good. and when u open up the curtains, the sunlight comes in the wrong way, making it a little irritating to study too.

so anyway, back to the main story. after nic officially off the phone to board the plane last night (we were msging, so i know), i was telling my mum, CASUALLY, i dun really mean anything, that the lights in our house not good for studying. and i was telling her i wanna start studing to have a jing shen ji tuo since nic is in taiwan. those were the exact words i told her. and i sae i need a table lamp cos i recall jie's house got a super bright table lamp. those days while she study with the table lamp while deb and i sleep, i remembered the lamp was really good and bright. so i told her i needed one table lamp. den she asked me wad type.. i dunno much abt table lamps u see, i only remember one advertisment. abt the student writing wrong word due to poor lighting, the 3m table lamp. so i casually told her tt.. and ta-da... it's on my table now already. looks likes everything is predetermined. i gotta work real hard, study real hard for this 135 bucks worth of table lamp.

anyway, my dear nu peng you and to angel too if u are interested. just plan a day or wad... where u can study from morning till night, just tell me which day and i will be available. at least i try to be available. summore now, my weekends are FREE. do consider. the camp is decided by people who attend. i m provider! lol.

this morning, out of habit, i reached over to pick up my phone, thinking i will see one new message, as usualy. when i saw none, realisation hit me. my baby is in taiwan. who's giving me morning msges? anyway, out of tiredness, laziness and wanna nua more, i put the phone beside me and almost fell back to sleep when a msg came in. it's from him. from taiwan. and tt's all the boost i need to wake up to study. =)

i sent the emperor off tonight. didn't send him off to the airport but instead, we bid farewell in the dad's car when the dad drove me home before sending him to the airport. our last hug, our last kiss... seriously, all the talk before tonight seemed like air and just by looking into his eyes, i know he will miss me in taiwan and look forward to the day of return.. while me, on the other hand will study hard and wait for his return and hopefully the list of things i got him to buy.

so yes, counting down to his return and studying hard is the only thing i will think of and do. God, grant me the determination as well as nic's safety. please ensure he's well and fine while i put my determination to a test here.

i m smile and look forward.

i feel as if i can run a studying camp. foc of course, with lodging and food provided. home cooked food summore. and on top of that, clothes can be provided if u want too. all u have to do is carry all your heavy books over and make an appointment with the owner of the camp. lol... owner of house i meant.

i need to do serious mugging for one full month. soooooon. asap

i'm officially counting down to the boy's departure. tough life of a officer. 20 something days in taiwan. hope he really enjoys himself during his r and r days and i hope tawian having sales and nice fashion season. cos i really hope he will buy some pretty dresses or tops for me. too bad he can't bring xxl chicken back.. cos wad i really want is taiwan's yummy snacks and food.

shucks.. i forgot. i need to freaking go on a diet!! i put on some kilos!!!! OMG!!! yucks!!!! i hate my fat body now.. i wish i was some bullemia kid. seriously.. i wun mind that. =( i feel fat.... and sad. this is so depressing.

it's time to hit the books real soon. somehow i scared studying too early will make me forget alot of stuff. by the time i need it.

and wow!! ladyironchef has his own domain and link. coolness..... seriously.... i love the blog. good to check out where are the nice places to dine in. =)

happy birthday to my emperor!! despite the tedious task u just gave me, i still love you. haha

ta-da! for those who know that i am baking brownies for my boy for his birthday. seriously, i think it looks rather hideous. but the taste i think quite ok. i mean how bad can it taste if i use mixture bought ready.

pre-celebrated the boy's 21st birthday. brought him to esplanade harry's steakhouse. actually wanted to bring him to harry's bar after tt, but i think they having some functions. looks like a private one, so i brought him to max brenna opposite instead. i think he loves it. no pictures taken though. wasn't in the mood to take any pictures.

hmmm.... next sat.. 12 april. one day before the baby needs to go taiwan.. amelia, hanabi?? or anyone interested?? it's a meet nic before he goes off.. and also a post bdae celebration.

i've had my too good a share worth of yummy food this month and i m paying dearly for it. my bank account is depleting, and my students' mum still owe me mummy. not to mention, i got two doctors appointment, all i have to pay myself. please... remind me, next month just eat at hawker centre, food court, food centre or coffee shop.

den again, i realise it's not entirely my fault. baby has to account for it as well. which explains why i think his account is delepting too and these days, the naggings of how i love to eat his money. darn it. still, when i brought him to nice cheap places, tt requires a little q-ing up... he will say forget it, let's go elsewhere and elsewhere means the central with riverside view.

grrrr... i m soooo not feeling happy

i got attacked by a crow literally on friday, along bedok reservoir road. i was about to take out my mp3, planning to walk all the way to kembangan and suddenly, this crow swooped down from behind and sneak attack me on my head. i gave out a short yelp and quickly walk away, trying to act cool, cos i think there are people who witness it. but even when i do so, i keep turning my way behind, cos the crow was on top of this signboard, still staring at me. i was freaked out! like seriously, i wanted to cry already. and every few steps i walk, tho i m getting further from the crow, i keep turning back until i cannot take it, i simply cross the road and take a cab home, without kembangan meesua.

i know i m slow but it's only yesterday that i felt this bump on my head and when i put pressure on it, it's pain. not very pain, but pain. now, with my paranoid self, i have decided to wear a cap everytime i go out. the sound of crows still frightens me, i hate outdoors!

on a lighter note, finally go to katong. have been wanting to go there for a meal and finally brought the boy to stonegrill dining. amelia, do u noe they revamp? now, they got upstairs and downstairs. dunno issit only vip guests can go up.. i dun think so. overall, i still like it. price still quite ok wad! and amelia, when u free.. let's go jap buffet. date me soon please. or anyone who's interested.

i'm losing it, seriously. i can feel the nerves in my head snapping one by one, literally draining me away of all the energy i have left in me. luckily, i dun have to go out and put up a face for people.

it's so tough, so tough, so tough. so tough i wanna give up.

suddenly, i feel so raw, so tender, so fragile and vulnerable. cos after 2 yrs, i realised how true my love is for u yet it's not reciprocated.

if u leave, who can i blame and cry my eyes out to, but myself

chocolate thunder from down under! it's the highlight of last night's meal. i love it!! it's simply delicious beyond delicious!!

went to outbacks for the second time and i'm really lovin the place. i would say it's a little pricey, cos our total bill was 106 plus... luckily, i used the uob card, and dunno why, this lovely sweet, delicious dessert came free. (the waitress explained, but i didnt catch it) oh well, it's free and yummy! a total of 80 over bucks i spent. well spent, i would say, cos it's nice time spent with nice food!

a beautiful day. woke up 730 to start studying, cos the second half of the day is spent with chin. but still, i only manage half a chapter. stupid beta one beta 2, regression shit, msd(e), sians. anyway, after chin came, we went cycling! a full two hours, cycle through pasir ris park, got bored, cycle out of pasir ris through the park connector, cross a oveerhead bridge, reached tampines and den back. woah, darn tiring... i can feel the ache when i wake up tmr already. and silly chin, still hasn't got the tan she wants, despite standing under the sun for quite some time.

Omelette patty with gravy



Steam fish

Ta-da. My simple dinner that i cooked myself. One good thing about staying home the whole day without the interruption of going out to teach tuition is that i get to cook dinner myself. Though it's only 2 dishes, cos i want variety, it's alot! I almost couldn't finish. had to gorge myself a little. maybe i should just stick to one dish in the future, and dump all varieties into one dish. haha... anyway, i love that monkey spoon with the burnt part. it's so clearly taken! haha...

so anyway, have been mugging for 3 days, though i took mini breaks here and there but it's a good start. i shall keep up to it. keep wanting to wake up at 830 in the morning to study but everyday i kept snoozing and ultimately off my hp alarm. but with each passing day, i'm improving, now i m only one hr away from 830. sooner or later, i will wake up at 830!

suddenly, i miss my baby. i feel that things seemed pretty 'surface' these days. what do the signs imply i dun wanna think. i'll just take a step at a time.

please dun make me sad and break my fragile heart.

went to kino recently and bought a total of 90 bucks worth of books and mind you, tt's only after we got 10 percent discount. but woah, i feel good. once in a long long while buy comics and storybook. but actually half tt amount is spent by emperor. he bought this spiderman comics for like 40 odd bucks.

had a full dosage of tsubasa yesterday before i went to sleep. 3 books on shot. tsubasa is getting more and more complicated. seriously, when the whole series end, i'm gg to find a time read everything from the start but the plot is so twisting, so sad, so..... hmmm, dunno how to describe. it can be quite confusing and complicating. need time to digest.

i was looking for comics tt day when i realise chuangyi is coming out with lesser nice comics. either tt, they are getting the not so nice ones to publish, i see taiwan version ones got nice ones wad but chuangyi never publish those. and chuangyi is publishing those short stories, end with 3 or 5 books tt kind. hmm, it's hard to find nice comics nowadays man. and waiting longingly for nice comics such as tsubasa, ouran high school, nana is so irritating.

started my mugging days, count down to may, count down to emperor's 21st bdae amd countdown to his taiwan training. time flies...

jie, i was thinking of old days and i remembered how much i enjoyed times with u and deb. those were the really really good old days that i will recall and tell my grandchildren these stories.

i remember we will buy cold storage whole chicken, either black pepper or honey. i noe i like the black pepper one. we will eat the chicken in the back of the bus, 3 of us sitting side by side, u peel the chicken for me and deb. deb will eat her juicy thighs and we will eat our favourite dry breast meat. den halfway back to ur house, i will be thirsty and insist i wanna drink water. den we will alight at some petrol kiosk to buy water to drink. haha

then i also remember we like to buy one large packet of fries to go, den on the way back to ur house, we wanted to eat but we also wan sauce, then u will like squeeze toothpaste onto the fries, squeeze chilli or tomato sauce onto the fries and feed me and deb. i think if i nv remember wrongly, i never had to use my hands at all. such sweetness i miss... days with u guys around, i really dun care if got bf or not. cos it feels good.

but of course those are good days only, i remember how u guys like to sleep when we have our night feast! only know how to make me cry only. i so excited about night feast, den u guys keep sleeping... haha.. now to think back, it's so silly for me to cry. but i miss our night feast, the initial days of night feast only. how we smuggled small amount of food. 30 cents twisties, 20 cents mummy monster noodle snack, pocky, hei bai pei. it was exciting then. how we had to hide from your mum, eat in the room after lights out.

remember we had to use deborah's blanket everytime we spill drinks? poor girl, i wonder how she bathe he next day, with coke stain or wadever drink stain she had on it. den i remember we upgrade to cake!! one small cake.. and it's not one slice tt kind. it's the mini one whole cake. how we hide the cake on top of the cupboard!?? hahaha.... ice cream?? tt one cannot hide on top of cupboard, but have to hide in teh freezer, behind many stuff. then there were jellies!! tt one i remember u and deb will fight for wadever coulour u guys fighting for. i like my red jelly best!

yes yes yes, those were the days i miss. now we've all grown up, night snacks make us fat only. and the thrill is gone, no need to hide. but i m more of a supper person now. maybe when u get back, we can go supper together!

My breakfast this morning. the kimchi mummy brought back is delicious! different from the commercialised ones in singapore. really very very nice. if i know is this nice, sure make her bring back more. and my favourite zha jiang mian from korea. though it's instant. should have added some ingredients to the noodles but i was in a rush this morning.

i'm proud of myself! i take joy in preparing my own breakfast daily! =)

and my beloved jie!! i thought u so busy till u forgot about me! so long never hear from you?? wah... u even know how to make your own pasta!!??? i must really learn from you when u come back. must take notes from you. and after that pasta i made, i made a few other dishes too. never blog. really must let u try when u come back.

some people pointed out before, life is like a drama, a play, a stage where everyone has their own roles. and today, i reflected upon this line.

it's like we all have our own roles to act out to play, though there might be multiple roles per person but when it comes to interactions between the different actors in your life, there are just some limits how hard you can try to perfect this life of yours. you can play ur life to the fullest, doing or playing each role very well but when u it comes to having other roles interacting with you, u cannot control how well they play their role, how serious they play their role. you cannot even talk about perfection because ur perfection might not be others.

like for me, to be a student, i attend classes, i study. even when i m lazy, i know it's not my limits yet and i can push myself further. another role, teaching. i try my best to impart whatever i know. i try to make them understand. but whether they do well or not is entirely not up to me. it's like even how perfect u play your role, u cannot control how others play theirs. so when my students dun do well, i reflect, like whether was it me, i didn't do enough or was it them? did they play their part as a student well.

like when i'm attached now, my role as a gf is blah blah blah. but i cannot control how my bf is like, or how he treats me. like maybe in my perfect r/s, my bf should be like this, like tt. but to him, he might already feel tt he did his best, it's just not perfect in my drama, my play, my life. so this is where my reflection comes in. i got to learn how to perfect my life, in areas where i can do it and learn how to appreciate other people's efforts in my life. and even if these are not perfect to me, i need to see the effort put in by others. i cannot always want a life tt i want. i m no longer playing barbie where i control barbies' life. or even sims, where i control their life.

it takes 2 hands to clap, takes 2 hands to hold. takes 2 hands to give u warmth. i just wanna play my part well and whatever happens in the future, it's not up to me. i'll pray and leave it to the hands of God.

anyway, mum's back. i'm so excited. i have lots and lots of korean instant noodles. looks like my mugging days will not be hungry though i really need to go on a diet. mum and baby say i am fat!! anyone noes how to go on a more efficient diet!????? i need to buy running shoes soon soon soon!!!

angel, i'm really really proud of myself. fine, i know no biggie, but i can make my own variations of tomato sauce for the pasta. no cream sauce of course, due to the fact that i cannot handle cheese. gives me the urrgg reaction. but ya, finally, no more bottled sauce for my pasta. now to make my sauce better and smoother, i just need a food processer! blender...

i'm totally into cooking nowadays, although i know it's totally at the wrong time. anyway, i made CHINESE yellow noodles with tomatoes and chicken yesterday (tomatoes are my new fav ingredient too) and my baby totally mistook it as PASTA?? like hello?? how can chinese egg noodle, yellow in colour be mistaken for pasta??? and he even ate it.. and continue thinking it's pasta until today i realised his mistake!!

on a heavier note, i know some things are for life and so are some memories. but when people take things for granted, i can't help but feel that maybe, to say 'lifetime' is actually me trying to kid myself. somethings are just not meant to be? then again, i should concentrate on how to be happier, how to make myself happy, how to whip up more dishes and how to study harder. with the last item highly prioritised on my list.

good nights. next week would be good. i will make it good

I AM ALIVE!

and feeling refreshed. to start all the mugging to come

i've been having scary dreams lately. two nights ago, i dreamt that my eyes bled, due to my contacts. i still remember how red it looks, and blood dripping down from my eyes. scary. then just last night, i dreamt that i was given the death sentence. i still remember crying really bitterly, thinking and whining i still got alot of things i wanna accomplish. i cannot die just like tt. i still remember the date of the death sentence 210208. it's very freaky.

it's this thurs right. if anything happens to me on tt day, at least people who reads my blog knows that i had omen!

Had lovely pasta from L&N's. Pasta with prawns and Tomato Sauce.

If ever i was caught lying, i's not my fault. i was put up to it. haha

jazz bars can be so intoxicating. any women can be duped into marraige if a guy just propose there.... =)

i know i don't watch as much mediacorp productions nowadays, i used to be an ardent fan of all their productions. so when i flicked on the tv and watched a little of "Beautiful Scent", i recalled wasn't there a similar production last time? a girl with odd scent.. now portrayed by dawn yeo. wasn't it acted by jeanette aw? and a mother who loves to gamble because she lost her husband in. it was acted by huang biren last time and now by pan lingling. yes.. there are so much similarities.

haik, somtimes i feel that my time management skills, efficiency, planning is always put to test. one after another. when then can i get everything under control, in order and according to plan.

to those who are coming on sat... the nor hiang is ready!!! i'm so proud of myself! i know u guys will love me for it!

and OMG ANGEL!!!! i just read ur tag!! OMG OMG OMG!!! she's only a yr older than us right???? got pictures!??? ask her out la!! you closer to her right!!?? OMG OMG OMG!!!! OMG!!! got any links?? any blogs for me to read!??? OMG!!!

vday is coming and yes, my date is chin. this yr is a special year. cos i allow baby to slack on all the celebrations.. vday... how many days.. monthly affairs... all these he can slack abit or celebrate earlier.. but next yr... hee hee hee...... he will just die. i will always remember first vday... tt necklace gave in the cinema just when the show is abt to start. cassanova i remember. gosh, so dark, suddenly give me a package, like HOW TO SEE??? SO DARK CAN. and then pretend say wanan go toilet... but went down to get a bouqet of flowers for me. he pre-ordered i remember. SWEETNESS. then met up with some friends at pac coffee den went esplanade. those days still got go esplanade. nowadays... tt's luxury. no more! den den no dinner.. but cup noodles back home. classic. i will never forget. last yr.. hmmm. no flowers i remember.. how we celebrate. cannot really remember.. must pull out archives man! lol... first times are always the easiest to remember!

"your every word and endless promises.... how do i not love u more?"

a nice and sweet weekend spent. the long weekend just come and go in a blink of an eye. i cannot believe it but it's monday already and i have two tuitions later with 2 hrs in between to kill. wasn't it just yesterday mum, dad and i went to shop for the ingredients for the new year eve's steamboat reunion dinner? gosh.. the way time flies, it scares me.

thurs and fri were spent visiting. nothing much. every year without fail the visiting on second day will bore me. first day still not so bad. but everyone go like so many places on first two days, i add up two days worth of houses i go to and it's 3. tt's all! i notice a trend. everyone has psp. if not psp, they have nintendo ds and some even have gameboy to kill time. i think i need to invest in one next year. then i wun be so bored.

luckily, they boy came over on friday night. to keep me company and we spent time all the way till he booked in. his family dunno why so big, so much visiting to do. sat was spend on movie and our own mini steamboat reunion. the only regret was he didn't bring his vodka! steamboat plus liquor.. not a bad combi. sun was spend at yum cha. we wanted to go red star cos dear keep saying how nice how nice. oh wah.. the q was how nice how nice too. freaking long. dad was in a rush so he didn't want to q. den we went yum cha. alright but i think it's a little ex. oh, the reason why we go eat dim sum together was cos it's mum's bdae! so it's me, the boy, mum and dad. after which dear and i went funan, looking for his stuff and came home awaiting for book in.

i really enjoyed this weekend! one of the best. looking forward to this sat. steamboat at my place! and is anyone free this valentine's day? sad to say, but i'm free... =/

maybe i really need the break. not physically, but mentally. i've got to find my passion and my enthu back. i think and hope i can manage.

this cny better be good. cos i really need the break.

these days, i kept asking myself the same question again and again. how have i grown so far? then everytime i gave myself the same answers, no, i haven't grown at all. how am i different from the girl i was 3 years back? why am i still walking in circles. why haven't i grown stronger or more independent. i don't get it. issit that i don't try? but no, i did. i know i did. so why haven't i show progress.

why issit that silence still makes me insecured? why issit that neglect still makes me scared? why issit that when phone calls/smses not returned, the thought of being abandoned and thrown away haunts me. i keep living in the black hole that i dug for myself 3 years back. again and again.

oh well... happiness is that difficult to have. happiness just doesn't belong to me.

i dun understand why she must always do this type of things to make me worry. WHY!? grrr....

i m in a foul mood. mala will definitely cheer me up. yes, thank you very much for reminding me my puny and tiny social circle. something tt makes me so sad....

GRRRRR>>>>>

my yummy dinner! kembangan mee sua plus oyster egg!! =)

the 3 hour long king kong movie is being aired on scv, hbo channel. seriously when i watch it again, i couldn;t een last 3 mins and i will change channel. i couldn't sit and watch tt 3 hours long movie ever again. it's seriously boring and draggy know. and everytime i think this way, i will laugh at myself back then. why was it at tt point of time in 2005, i could sit still and watch tt movie? and share popcorn and drinks with the one beside me?!

haha.... amusing. seriously. we agreed half the time we are just enjoying the proximity and pretending to enjoy the show. it cracks it up everytime i think about it.

i m so bloated now. and tt's the results of being greedy.

we've checked in two years in this relationship. some people might say two years is short, some people might say it's long. well, to me, it's been a pretty eventful and meaningful two years. it's not short, but it's not long as compare to the many years we want to continue spending time with each other. in these 2 years, we've taught each other many things. and we learnt how to treasure and cherish each other. haha... i'm all alone on this special day with a beautiful bouquet of flowers at my side. but i know in the many years to come, i won't be.

Happy anniversary, my lover boy!

one fine sunday night, chin and i prepared ingredients to make won tons.

the triangular ones are the normal ones. try to be funny by making the round shape ones.

chin fying the won tons

TA-DA!!! end products!

here are some pictures we took for our pre-celebrated second year anniversary at Big Fish.

My all-time favourite warm chocolate souffle. doesn't look nice on the pic but it's deliciously yummy!

and the dinner ended with a kiss!

Some ghostly pictures we took while waiting for the bus.

and ta da!! my new nike dunks. aren't they pretty!?????

i had a pretty weird yet funny dream 2 nights back. it's funny to think back about it but i was scared awake then. i dreamt i bought won ton mee for my mum to eat. i was holding it when suddenly this piglet came charging at me and used his mouth to tear the packet of wonton mee out from my hands. it was furiously using its mouth to open the plastic container of wonton mee when i was trying to run away. when i turn back to take a look, it was charging at me again! (maybe cos he cannot open up the packet of wonton mee??) and as i was standing with feet apart, it stuck its head in between my legs! yuck.. i felt the pig's head and i shocked myself awake! scary...

and before this pig dream, i vaguely remember i dreamt baby and i went to gold class cinema to watch movie but dunno why, it was a horror movie and i dunno why we only got one seat so end up i have to sit on his lap. weird... a friday night that i didn't sleep much and ended so tired, and on sat night, i concussed close to 10 hours till this morning.

i'm actually feeling pretty sucky a few hours before the boy booked in, but with the cooling weather, and the 20 mins or so walk home, i kind of reorganised my thoughts and felt slightly better. not good, but not so foul like hours ago. and no, this has nothing to do with him booking in or him at all. it's just i look at my week that's about to start, i just kind of feel a sense of dread.

i don't like planning only week by week. i don't like the feeling of not being able to plan beyond a week. i don't like not being able to see what's going to happen after one week. basically, i don't like my life tt cannot see beyond a week. however, i tell myself, this is the life tt i need, not necessarily what i want, but definitely what i need. i need the income, i need to study. and i need to leave at least one and a half days of my weekends for the boy. and also, i need to feel some pressure and some stress in my life. the past half years of my so called academic life has been too easy. and it should not be the way. i also tell myself i need this. to learn how to cope with stress, to learn how to manage time etc.

so overall, this is something i need to do. of course, the easy life of slacking has to go. maybe tt's why i feel sucky. but it's time i learn how to start working hard for what i want and learn how to prioritise and manage my time properly. i believe i will emerge a stronger and better person. but right now, let me dwell a little how sucky this really feels.

today, very suddenly and abruptly, this beeper sounded really loud in my head. and since then, my head has been in a throbbing pain. i suddenly realise i don't have alot of time left before my first academic year ends and on top of that, the next mock that i really wan to go for and do well is next month. and though i don;t have the exam schedule yet, i got a feeling two papers fall on the same day, i think everything's piling on top of me. i cannot breathe!

while i was in class today, i started keying in figures into the calulator. i calculate roughly one week how much time i have.. minus tuition. minus sleep and minus weekends. minus travelling. i forgot what figure i came out with but i know i wasn't happy with what i saw. i think time's slipping away, running out and yet i'm still nowhere near. darn it! shit... overload overload.... i can already feel the amount of work piling up on top of me. and tuition... darn. shouldn't have took up a new one.. but the money.... i need. ARGGGGGHHHHH.... i wun have life very soon.

finally, it's down to the last day. 10 days so hard to get by... but one day is much much harder than ten days. so near yet so far!!!

sighhhhsssss

i started out the day with a dread. seriously, i don't like wednesday. but so funny, i have two friends who specially sms me to remind me about gg school today or should i say encourage me to go school. so i went and i was rewarded. the lecturer surprisingly volunteer extra help for me? and i think it's a one to one. and i was extra rewarded. finally got the type of tuition i want. but scary mans, two boys..... one boy already make me headache.. now two boys summore... =/

but i thank God for ending my wed in such a lovely way. it makes me look forward to friday even more.. to share this joy with my baby. lalalalalala

i wanna go SHOPPING!!! VIVO VIVO!!! who's free..... register now

"You are alert and your life is full of love. You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your lovelife is soon to blosoom. You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good. You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it."

"You like adventure. You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reversed. "

my results from some fengshui horoscope thingy.... haha

i cannot skip class tmr. i cannot skip class tmr. i cannot skip class tmr. now, there u have it. i really cannot skip class tmr. it will be a trigger to unfortunate events from happening, like more skipping of classes. so i cannot skip class tmr. and like i keep sayin, i have a responsibility as a student so i cannot skip class tmr.

i'm so happy baby messages me every now and then. i wonder will his friends make him pay for part of the bill when he gets back. hopefully tmr will end quicky and friday will come fast. i miss the boy alot.

i had a relatively good weekend. quality time spent with people i want to spend time with. had a lovely time yesterday, riding bike and van, that's like a bus. all cravings satisifed. my kembangan mee sua, quail eggs and pasta. i would have love to eat vongole instead though but never mind, the big guy in brunei promised me big fish! yummmmy.... kemabangan mee sua is superb!! so is coin prata set!!! yummiiesss!! all the naggings and scoldings, embarrassments is nothing compared to what i got in return!!

i think time pass quite fast, before we knoe it, school starts. yes yes yes, all of us dread the start of school but do we have a choice? i wanted to revise before attending classes but laziness got in the way. every year without fail, i dun feel the anxious-ness kicking in about not studying or not putting in enough effort until after cny. between new year and cny, i still can kid myself or tell myself tt the yr is still young, it is only beginning. i still got time, and i should enjoy and relax more. den den den, only after cny, i start to panic. not enough time, regret big time, yet still as lazy as ever! gosh... old habits are hard to kick yea?

but i'm still as happy as i was on new year's day!! does tt count for something? i hope this happiness i found in within is something tt's going to stay in me for as long as it ccan stay. or is this just something sweet i m getting for something bad's tt going to come??

lalalala.... i love my friends, i love foood!! i hate the fats on my body though. i wanna slim down slim down. need a new pair of runnin shoes. i made my own salad today. niccceee... =)

i am suffering from serious cold turkey.... craving so strong i don't know what to do. my mee suaaaa.. i want my kembangan mee suaaa!!

quail eggs too!! pasta too!!! can i have all 3!!??? craving craving!!!

this was taken exactly one week ago. on social night last week. i adore this picture. niceeeeee

i'm very happy to receive messages from the baby. be it just one short message that i cannot reply to. still i know i'm in his heart and mind somewhere. just like he's in mine. okok, pardon my words. but i'm very happy. i know ten days will pass very fast. i just wish it will be faster. but i m happy. truly happy. i enjoy being happy. hee.. updated my resolution list in my blog.

anyway, i was thinking. if i'm a rich girl, i would travel all over the world to try all the cusines. try how diff country prepare the seafood. i'm not that into red meat so i prefer seafood. if i were someone who don't have responsibilities and burdens and someone really confident in what i set out to do, i would earn enough money to travel round the world learning how to cook different cusines. and once i've finished my cash, i will work more and travel more.

but because i'm who i m now. someone with responsibilites i have to fulfil. someone who needs to be around and someone who needs to account to people around me. too much stuff tt i cannot just throw away and go off. so i can only dream. i dream of opening my own seafood bistro in the future. i like to see people eat and enjoy my food. to feel good after eating and seek comfort in my food.

hopefully, somewhere in the future, it can really happen. but i still want tt car and house.... so tt i can start a family.

pizzahut.. 2 for 22 bucks... tempting.. but fattening

Today is 1st Jan 2008. The last few days of 2007 has been great. spent quality time with the baby. but sadly, today's also the day that he flew to Brunei. oh well, here's the start to my road of independence. dear God, please grant me the patience and strength to wait for the return of the baby. some thoughts i had, i realised that behind the big man, there's still a need for some feminity. cos every big man started out from a boy and when u are a boy, there's mummy. someone you need, someone who care for u, someone who take care of u, every small details. so right now, behind tt big man, though i cannot try to outsmart him, but i must always know when to provide answers, when to show support, when to be understanding. it's amazing, how man and woman fit each other in such a fine way. i think it's a very beautiful thing.

so.. one more week to school reopen. lots of things i have in mind for myself. lots of things i plan for myself in the year of 2008. i'm really aniticpating what will be in store for me. and what will turn out of me.

oh, btw, does anyone know where i can download videos to watch? i realise places like youtube and crunchyroll can ony watch from the site, don't know anywhere can download and watch. if you know, leave me a msg. thanks!

have a great year ahead everyone, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

sometimes, i feel so small. i feel so insignificant. yet when i try to do things to make myself stand out, i always make a blunder out of it. i always happen to do the wrong things at the wrong time. is this me? i don't know. but i know it upsets people around me. maybe it makes me become a irritating girl. i really don't know. i try so hard to make things right, yet things still seem so wrong. i think i m just not good enough in everything i do.

my baby's flying to Brunei on the 1st jan, night. and tt's next week, with less than a week in between. we should be spending more time together so why is he still stuck in camp! camp simply shucks big time.

i'm still getting over the excitement regarding my driving just now. i know it's not my maiden drive, nor issit my first time on the highway but it's my longest drive, to and fro from one end of singapore to the other end. i drove my baby to camp and back.

these few days, i'm always used to drivin with baby beside me barking orders and giving me a tsk tsk look. so driving all the way to jurong with baby beside and amelia behind was alright. den the ride back only me and amelia. tt's what makes me so scared cos like i ve a life in my hands. ahaha, amelia darling also said first time sit car dun feel safe. i'm sorry. but still, i'm very very proud of myself. tampines to jurong and back. thanks amelia for being there and thanks for tt sweet sweet gift. hahahaa!!! dental floss ya!?

still.. i'm proud myself. and i'm sure baby too. hahaha.. and yes amelia too!!! my first official passenger!

When we have nothing better to do on the train. i love this boy of mine so much.

The christmas present from my baby-- the latest generation of ipod nano. It's smoking pretty, cos it's red!!!! I love it so so so so much!!! and thanks my baby, for the sweet engravings behind the ipod. makes it so so so special. i'm in love with it!

i think ever since cab fares increased, this form of public tranport is for the rich, not the late.

basically, there are only 4 categories to sum up all guys.

the first type is a bloke. a bloke is someone insensitive to girls' needs, maybe a little mcp, definitely not a girl's best friend. don't think this kind of guy is very bad. they should be pretty manly, like 100% guy tt kind and should also be more or less quite responsible. cos they believe they are the man in the house and would take responsible. like what someone say, bring the food home type of guy. but there are others who might argue, are blokes the male versions of blondes? i wonder...

next would be the metrosexual type of guys. needless to say, everyone should know what they are. totally different from a bloke. care about looks. maybe spend more time in the toilet and changing room than a girl. but these guys just happen to care more of how they look and i guess these type of guys would definitely be girls' best friends. easily mistaken as not straight...

smack right in the middle would be the bonds. bond coming from James Bond. A good guy, a guy who know what a girl wants and what a girl needs. a charmer i would say, can totally sweep a girl right off her feet. diff from a metrosexual would be that, they still carry a air of charm, manly charm. this category makes everyone's perfect or dream guy? many prince charming type of shows all depicts such a character.

and the last category will be gays of course.. and like what one would say.. gone. haha.... no offense of course. but i dun ve to explain the last category.

the long anticipated pasta. also my first dish to my baby ever and yet, after such a long time, we got a huge diappointment. used the wrong pasta sauce due to my wanting to be daring and try new stuff and it turned out very sucky. seriously, i think it tasted like bean sauce. you know the chinese bean sauce? but baby said it tased sourish due to the many pickles in the sauce. whatever it is, it's bad. we didn't finish it. sorry baby, i promised ur block leave pasta will be much better. and tt my skills will be back!

tonight is a night with such fond memories. like star awards with amelia. knowing she's on the other line watching star awards, i hope, probably as crazy and critical as i am. like like our ooohs and ahhhs, our this one unexpected! tt one dun deserve it! ahahhaa...... seriously, baby dun undnerstand.. but what are11 year friends for.. or issit 12!? and psssst amelia, he said we are bimbotic!! cos we critisize people tt way!

it's also a night when i get to tok to baby while he takes bus back and then hang up the phone saying, msg me before u sleep. hahaha.... but the only difference is i dun get to see him tmr like in the past. still, i'm very much looking forward to a beautiful week with him. especially the coming wednesday.

lots and lots of love! give me one more kiss!

finally the long awaited singing session. it brings back so much memories. singing is never enough with ur best girlfriends. it's like who cares about pitch and all, who cares whether you know how to sing or not, it's the company tt matters so much more. gosh, i miss singing with them already. please make it often (i know it's just a wishful thought). nonetheless, i can't wait for the 22nd to come.

after which, amelia and i supposedly go shopping but couldn't find anything. den den den... we went thai express for dinner den den den we ordered normal stuff for dinner. after which we just stayed on, chatted den den den we were tempted by some people eating pineapple rice beside us den den den we simply order more food. seriously, i feel so fat. i wanna go on a diet!!!!!!!

no more food for leona ever again.

i'm really looking forward to 20th, or maybe i should only look forward to one day as it comes. i love planning, i love to organise stuff, i love to have things to look forward to. things tt i can write in my organiser and wait for to come.

maybe tt's why i dun like last minute stuff. i dun like planning and organising when the people i plan and organise for might have a chance to be absent. not present. never mind, we'll see how it goes. it's going to be a very common phrase coming out from me for the next 2 yrs.

pardon my mood, i m slightly disappointed.

but i am really looking forward to 20th still!! at least it wun be so near yet so far.

In the nick of time, I was saved.

Love is patient and kind;it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

-- 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4

Indeed when I seeked for the truth, I'll accept the truth and from now on, trust. In the short paragraph above, i realise there's many things that i lack, many things that i want to find meaning in. many things worth exploring and many things to enhance the meaning of love. i'm glad i was shared with this paragraph, when i focus and meditate upon the words, minor things did not seem important anymore. indeed, once again, when i leave it in the hands of God, he'll always show me the way. it's really a test of trust. in God and in love. and i thank the one up there for showing me and teaching me this valuable lessson.

and also to my precious one, you have no idea how nervous i was before the whole thing and how relieved i was after the whole thing too. but i'm happy that things turn out how they did. so please don't love me lesser cos i worry more and more each day. hee...

i'm startin to lose whatever happiness i have left in me. i feel energy slowing sapping out of me. sleeping starts to be a huge problem to me and waking up is such a dread. i just want to get myself wasted every night. to drown all this uncertainties away.

will you just help me one more time? give me one more chance. please don't lie to me.

for two days, i've been hanging on to something that really makes my day, and sweeten me and something that makes me really really happy. but then for the past two days, i've been brooding over over some stuff. there's some inner struggle going on. i don't like this feeling. why is it that happy feelings cannot last? why issit that everytime at the peak of my blissfulness, something has to happen to rob me of my happiness? am i destined not to be happy for long in my life.

maybe tt's why everytime when i am really blessed and happy, i'm very scared. cos everytime after being happy comes unhappiness cos somewhere got there happiness just doesn't belong to me.

but at this point of time, i've come to terms with the situation already. i love him too much to sacrifice everything. to bear with everything, to swallow everything even the remaining very little of my pride. at least i know now that i loves him and that i'm happy. of course i hope i give him that kind of feeling too but what matters is that i put my whole heart into it. and i know i can face my own conscience.

i'm trying to be happy again. maybe missing him makes things worse. actually, i don't know which is worst, missing him or not getting answers. but like what i say, i love him, i should be willing to give up whatever thoughts, ideas i have.

Dear God, i hope he know this. know that i am really happy with him, know that i really want to love him in everyway i can, with every ability i know. know that i only want the best for him and know that i really want to cherish him better and treasure this relationship i have with him. and i hope he noes i wanna trust him and that i wan him in my future.

and thanks for those who consoled me in one way or another. let's hope everything will turn out fine.

angel dearie, you have no idea how happpy you made me by tagging the 3 messages i saw. now i know, not only do i need sugar intake, i need to feel loved by my friends. loved and remembered!!! cos i m really happy after seeing my tags!! i love u angel.

i know why am i not happy all the time... i've low intake of sugar. someone say before.. sugar makes one happy right?? i'm rejecting sugar. i used to be able to share one tub of ice cream with baby, but now, just a few mouths i would think it's too sweet. i dun ve a sweet tooth, thus i m not a happy girl.

i'm learning how to be thanful so i'll start with this really small thing. thanks baby for the mango. =) not cos it's nice to eat but cos u bought it, cut it for me. and to add on, cuttin in in cubes not really easy to eat. if u are reading this.

thank you

(edited)

thanks angel dearie.. now at least i noe i have uuuuuuu =) btw, u are not replying my msn!!!

i was wondering why i dun blog so often anymore. then i chanced upon someone's blog and she has like details what she and her bf do all day. well, as a matter of fact, i think she meets her bf everyday so it's like details of everything tt they did. right to the most minor details. it's like to be filmed for a movie type. then i was thinking, actually, i can blog my weekends out this way too yea? but then again, who's actually interested and wants to read and know what me and baby does for the weekend??

i used to think staying over for the night, or staying over at ur significant half's place symbolises.... naughty stuff. i guess tt's what mummy thought initially.. but i m enjoying our brief weekend of living in together. trust me, my room is becoming half his to the extent that he buys new stuff and leave it at my place, not even bring home?? i used to think we must hug, cuddle to sleep... but i guess married couples of 10 yrs dun do tt anymore right? but ya, we dun do tt anymore.. cos now, i sleep before he does. he's infactuated with the computer on every sat night. which explains everyone, why i cannot be found online sat night and i have to sleep early cos we need to wake up for early chuch. but sleeping early is good too cos i would ve energy to wake up and cook breakfast for him. okok.. am i describing every details here?

i have lotsa stuff going on in my head right now. i hope to deal with it soon, before the year ends as well as enjoy my december! my beloved dec. oh... baby say i have to write a list of my cravings... gosh, i wanna eat sashimi, steamboat, dtf, good prata, good pasta!! and the best part is i m gg on a diet tmr. =( darn it.

but i need to wave good bye to flabs, fats and say hello to a slimmer waistline. fundamentally, i need to buy new running shoes and yoga mat! tt's only basics.. i haven't mention weights, medcine ball, gym attire fron lonsdale!! (sorry peeps, i'm not hinting any gifts, it's to my baby) oh well, tt's if he reads it.... he wun be back till sat. no calls, no anything..

=/

i slowly realised whenever i am happy, i tend to forget people around me, forgot what makes me happy, forgot it was people who made me happy and become obnoxious. this is very bad because i say things i dun mean that way, and i care very little how others feel. whenever tt happens, i act like such a brat and start to do things and say things which i terribly regret after that.

i forgot it was people who made me who i become today. i m so heartless, cos i forgot to show people appreciative gestures, i forgot to tell people thank you and i forgot what's the most basic thing to do to keep r/s between people workable.

i m starting to dislike myself. if ever one day i were to die friendless.... i know why.

sometimes i get really angry. i mean some people really like to make empty promises. it's as if i am just a piece of dirt to them. like me... piece of dirt. those people only know how to hold their dignity high up, and trample on mine as if it were just a speck of dirt. i can only give my rolled eyes and pathetic views to being h*m*ly. gosh... i am really very pissed off when i m not valued, esp when i value u so much i wanna keep this friend. grrrrrrrrrrr!! arggghhghghhgg.... i m really angry.

was watching this show and thinking alot abt modern era, abt r/s between ad womand and a man, also about friendship, kinship, etc. got me thinking quite abit. maybe i will share them again when i m in the mood to type. meanwhile, i need to cool off abit cos i m still really angry!

i was told, taught and reminded constantly that i have to be thankful for things around me. somehow, this is really a challenge to me. cos i really don't know how to. maybe the only thing that i wanna be thankful for today is tt im glad that spring chicken i bought tasted nice. and i'm glad chin's here to share with me.

i know it sounds so ..... but yet.. i cannot find anything to be thankful for tosay or tmr.. or the day after next. there's this huge load inside me that i dunno how to drop. and it's pressurising me to the limit mans.

i rather be studying for exams, doing whatsoever.. so as long as i noe i will be ok. i just wanna try not to think so much, be simple and happy. why issit more complicated now.

Firehouse - Love don't care

Little girl, face all black and blue
But she knows better
That's not the way a man should treat you
But that's ok, she'll change her life tonight
She's leaving him
For a woman who will treat her right

And everybody needs somebody
She could be with anybody
Doesn't matter if it's not another man

Chorus:
Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
If you ain't hurting anybody
And if you feel it deep inside
Then love don't care who you love
Don't care who you love

Little girl, she's no sister, she is white
But she loves a brother
Takin' him home to meet her folks tonight
Mom and dad don't understand
We're all the same inside
They just don't realize
That love is always colorblind

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
It's not the color that makes the man

Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
Don't let anybody tell you
That it's wrong if it feels right
'Cuz love don't care who you love
Love don't care

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
So love someone who makes you happy

anyone wanna do xmas exchange with me??? i'm so in the mood.. first on my list is of course my longest friend.. amelia!! ahaha

recharged after the weekend. looking forward to the dec holidays

two places i really want to go on holiday right now and they both begins with T. however, my dream holiday would be to go with my friends.. or nic. both seemed quite impossible somehow... =/

i really hope you'll be ok.

immersing myself in jay chou's new songs. some are really fantastic. like some notes, phrases, words, chords just strike some emo-ness in me.

waiting is never a good feeling. simple things like if i was waiting for a call, i wouldn't dare to go bathe or do anything else but wait for that call. if it's fruitful, then never mind, but if the call i was waiting for never came, won't i be wasting my time. friends are now all studying for exams, stressing, rushing to meet project deadlines yet i'm still struggling here, looking for meaning in my life. i was just telling amelia moments ago that casting lots of obligatory stuff that i have to do, i'm pretty much leading a life of a solitude. i'm still very much the same little girl i was years ago, just that i kind of managed to cover it up over the years. but when i peel off everything that's on the surface, i'm still that me. no where here or there.

i'm asking for directions.

at times, at certain points of my life, i feel quite lost. and right now it's one of them. i feel like everyday is going pass like a haze, blur and i cannot see what's in front of me. i lost something in my life, something that pushes me and tell me how to get out of this haze. i don't know what am i doing every day. and precisely because of this feeling, i've been doing some reflection.

i guess what bb said is right. i m self centred and when i'm like that, i get pretty outrageous. i forgot all my basics. and i can get pretty mean. i always ask baby to be more this more that, when i m not doing so myself. it's like whenever i get so close/intimate with someone, i tend to put down all the formalities and go beyond that. beyond tt line.. going overboard. is this just me? i think i really need to put in some thoughts and make some changes. i'm pretty lost about my life.. and i'm pretty lost about what i value in life. and being in the haze, i lost quite a few stuff and people.

i need some guidance. something to guide me out of this.. and to start somewhere afresh. no matter what others do, i should be able to look back at what i did and say i tried my very best.

i really really want to go jay chou's concert!

a nice public holiday spent. caught "The Game Plan" with the baby. very nice show. makes me feel like being daddy's little girl again. was asking baby if it induced some paternal instincts in him. haha.. what was i thinking? this baby of mine is such a woodblock. i would be surprised if it even induced any emotion in him. but i know both of us enjoyed the movie very much. was freaking tired after the show, wanted to cab home and it was so diff to hail a cab. what a shame.. both of us can drive.. yet we had to spend quite some time waiting for the cab. okok.. this was EVE of public holiday.

woke up this morning, went to get breakfast together.. then came home to slack. i like to spend a day no rush, no book ins..... but no choice, he had to book in tonight. now.. it's sat that i m looking forward to.

leona's a happy girl. a good break starting since sat. after my disasterous theory exam on sat, i decided not to give any hoot about it anymore. so lunch with chin at j8. haha... j8 always brings back memories... all the ij times and all. and j8 changed alot too. nothing much, went home after that to wait for my hon.

sat night was deliciously good. ahahha.. not the food part, it's the company and all the talks. all the old war stories by two old men. haha... entertaining i would say. but if hun was the one who told stories, it might be just half as entertaining only. haha.... oops. hope he doesn't read this. anyway.. am glad amelia is there with me. everything seemed so nice. 2 guys and a girl.. is simply not as nice as two guys two girls.. not a date.. but i love the feeling. my so called double date.... in inverted commas.

feels good to see him lying beside me everytime i wake up on sunday morning. i usually sleep before him because he wants to use the com to play games, check this and that. and i'm tired so i sleep first. but in the morning, i opened my eyes to his back. yes... we are not the typical couple who hugs to sleep. we end up each facing diff side. backside to backside. ahahhaa... sad yea? can u imagine? now single bed already like that, if ever next time we get bigger bed, the gap between us will just become bigger and bigger and bigger... infinity mans! ahaa.. putting that aside, it feels good to wake up together, and go church. life's greatest bliss. =)

den he book in but this week will not be so long. there's deepavali. first time in my life public holidays became so important.. and i cherished every one available esp in this past two months. so leona is a blissful and happy girl. for now. who knows what's going to happen in the future? bu at least i m grateful i am happy for now.

oh.. and i got my license!!! yippppeee!!! should have gone to join subaru contest!! for my car. i miss my baby.. =)

was listening to this radio broadcast programme on my way home. someone wrote in and said the person she liked is together with someone else. then she went on to say how sometimes love can be so sweet yet at other times it could be bitter and painful. and sometimes it hurt so much that u can't even cry. the tears just wouldn't flow.

it's just like having a crush. things were so simple then. u just yearn to see him. and just the sight of him daily, even once a day is enough to make ur day and sweeten it up. and if this crush is someone u know, there's even more chances to get sweeten up. like toking to him, or him showing random concern. and him just smiling at u, saying hi. all those feelings just slowly build up and the sweetness could already attract all the ants around u. then when u lay on the bed at night, thinking of the small exchanges u and him had for the day, even the sweetest dream cannot be compared already. then maybe u start braving up to want to tell him how u feel. however, this is only the sweet part.

what happen when u see him starting to hang out closely with other girls? what happens when u dun see him for more than a week? what happens if he stopeed showing u random concern, no more eye contacts, maybe even avoiding u? tt's when it gets bitter.. but what's painful is when you find that he got together with someone else. the one in ur dreams has someone else in his arms. now tt's painful, maybe even more painful than finding out he doesn't like u? then again it's objective. issit more painful to find out he's with someone else or more painful that he simply reject u?

i always feel very sad to find out people break up. unrequited love. or even 2 persons who deeply loves each other yet choose not to be together. being around with my silly baby has made my head plain simple. he taught me that something as complicated as love, is simply one plus one giving u two. sometimes his biggest merit is being simple... simplicity is the beauty isn't it? haha... i've decided to be silly with him too. nobody knows what will happen in the future.. if one day, something were to happen, and that i were to be saddened.. let it be. i can only grow from there. so since it's still the honey lovey-dovey sweet and happy phase, let it be too. but i'm really scared the day will come when i have to be hurt and be in pain.. okok, the last part was unnecessary.

anyway, am really really glad i passed my driving!! happy, elated, excited... can't wait for baby to come back from field camp to share this piece of news with him. 4 months of money, hard work has certainly paid off! 4 long months!!! but finally!!!

say helllo and congrats to the new qualified driver!

i've just been struck by lightning. took me a while to recompose myself. gosh... is that a sign already?

time to toughen up. no time to waste.

I'm in a mood to:

1. watch cheesy flicks like love comedys to cry my eyes out.
2. give lots of hugs and receive hugs
3. buy flowers to brighten up my house, like my all time fav, sunflowers
4. do nothing, esp not going to school
5. hug all my stuffed toys and smile like an idiot
6. do nothing except recollecting the past
7. lay on the sofa, get my ass bigger and do nothing but wait for the next day to come

okok... when am i behaving like an idiot!?? ahaha.... i'm in love!

down with the flu. baby say it's due to heatiness, every sign is present except fever. i'm like drinking more herbal tea than normal, trying to avoid heaty food (yes, the word is trying), yet, ulcer still there, caught the flu and now worst, got cramps. this is so sucky. esp the ulcer part. here's a part of the convo i had with baby just now.

me: dear, i think i need to take mc. cannot go school.
him: you don't need to take mc. ur school dun wan to go then dun go lo.

i'm just finding all sorts of excuses just not to go school, and feeling alright abt it. luckily for me, hari raya saved me for feeling guilty once. how many hari rayas are there? school can be a drag, don't ask me why. i hope these 2 yrs will pass faster, for me and for baby.

this is the start of yet another cycle. right after baby book in, there's this renewed rust i have in him. then as the week passes, i start to miss him till slowly, when the missinh gets so bad, the trust start to wear off.. den i start to feel insecure about this whole thing.. then when the day dear books out, i would find a dread to do anything but just wait for his return. den when i finally get to see him, life just got by in a blur. everything happen so fast till the end of the cycle and the start of the another cycle. so yes, now i'm at the beginning of the cycle. the cycle is regardless of time, cos sometimes there's one week confinement.. den i actually just miss him alot. but the past 3 weeks was crazy. thus, i came up with this cycle theory.

nonethess, i found this new trust faith in him. i dunno how. went to church today and Father was toking about being grateful. i had my bumps, my rough period of times but things all turned out well, the way they should be. the way i know i wun have regrets. so i should be thankful.

i should be thankful that classes are starting well now, no more hiccups. i should be thankful that i finally got my tb and thus, i should start studying now. i should be thankful that i ve my frens around now and then to chat, to meet up... actually, thinking i should be thankful in particular to chin and amelia. =) i should be thankfukl that baby is fine and safe in army. i should be thankful that God sent him to me and walk with me a life worth living for. i should be thankful how much he loves me and it's only fair that i give him back the amt of love and trust. n the list goes on....

so hope i'll recover soon, never like the feeling of sneezing my nose off.

good nights.

i m so happy!! baby is fine!! i m fine.... and I've got a lonnnnggg weekend.. and baby might come out tmr.. or sat!! but i m happy!! yipppee to hari raya!! no class on sat!!!

all relieved for nothing. and because baby cannot read reports still talk like he can read. i had my doubts but i trusted that he could tell whether ok or not. silly baby!! =/

after a spending a night worrying, i'm finally relieved. sunshine over rain! my baby is fine. =)

my health is deteriorating and so is my level of fitness. i'm growing fatter. while nic is growing healthier and fitter, his gf is growing fatter, and more unhealthy! fatness is a thorn in any women's flesh. I WANT TO SLIM DOWN!

today in the hawker centre, while eating alone, i thought of many things. just some random thoughts. like we noe birds wake up very early in the morning. but actually what time do they sleep?? what's the last timing we usually see the last birds around? like i said, they are random thoughts. i'm going to try keep my mood high up until sat! and wait for him to book out!

4 more days to go!! still no dateS!

i should blog once in a while when my mood's good. then at least people who reads my blog won't keep thinking leona is such a sad girl. too sad and never getting over it makes one pathetic. i dun wanna end up that way.

so yes, i'm happy. happy why? cos i finally got the cd i want and listening to it right now. happy cos my baby is surviving in army and i just visited him yesterdat. happy cos i've done all my tutorials except one. one tt i've been procrastinating ever since.. and still procrastinating. but shall not let tt affect my happy mood. happy cos i dun feel broke. happy cos this week has not began. monday is not the start of the week for me. tues den is. and sat is my end of the week by the way. happy cos mummy just went ntuc and bought so much things to stuff the fridge, like finally. no more empty fridge. happy cos i just ate mango cake! yummy. happy cos today's rain cleared the humidness in my house. and the list goes on. i'm too lazy to type,.

basically, i cannot wait for my baby to come back. sat.. tt's like 5 more days! counting down...

and why is no one asking me out to chill when it's such a stressful period... =(

Dear God, please grant me the strength.

i should post some entry in order to not seem to be like showing off my new phone. haha...

i've lots of things to do, really. but i cannot help but let my mind wander. my mind is in a mess. i don't know what to think and what not to think. what seemed to be right may be wrong and vice versa. i keep having aimless thoughts that naturally cannot conclude. i have difficulty staying focus because of that.

i really have lots of things to do.