i'm actually feeling pretty sucky a few hours before the boy booked in, but with the cooling weather, and the 20 mins or so walk home, i kind of reorganised my thoughts and felt slightly better. not good, but not so foul like hours ago. and no, this has nothing to do with him booking in or him at all. it's just i look at my week that's about to start, i just kind of feel a sense of dread.

i don't like planning only week by week. i don't like the feeling of not being able to plan beyond a week. i don't like not being able to see what's going to happen after one week. basically, i don't like my life tt cannot see beyond a week. however, i tell myself, this is the life tt i need, not necessarily what i want, but definitely what i need. i need the income, i need to study. and i need to leave at least one and a half days of my weekends for the boy. and also, i need to feel some pressure and some stress in my life. the past half years of my so called academic life has been too easy. and it should not be the way. i also tell myself i need this. to learn how to cope with stress, to learn how to manage time etc.

so overall, this is something i need to do. of course, the easy life of slacking has to go. maybe tt's why i feel sucky. but it's time i learn how to start working hard for what i want and learn how to prioritise and manage my time properly. i believe i will emerge a stronger and better person. but right now, let me dwell a little how sucky this really feels.