one day down with 3 more to go before i officially become an agent. and the next few days are just gg to get tougher and tougher.

Our dinner.... new recipe, not one that i thought of but i took it from shape and modify a little to our tasting... raw salmon with soba and sesame dressing. all in 20 mins or less. quick and easy. no fuss. and it's really not too bad at all.. at least the boy likes it so i can safely add it in my recipe book that i complied. and i'm very excited about the new cookbook i got from church.. lots of things i can try out... i wanna be a good cook! cook yummy stuff for pple. i know i got a long way to go, getting good and proper kitchen utensils is one. haha

cycling trip was great... i dunno why my back is aching instead of my calves. at least my thighs and butt are.. so ok. steamboat was great as well.. and so is my ah chew's greenbean plus seaweed. then putien was lovely.... all with great company i must add.. and i can't wait for pay to come and go shopping with my boy.... he's dying to lay his hands on .... i know.. i love seeing him shop.. makes me happy as well....

tmr is a start to a whole new chapter..... i'm nervous.. i need all support i can get.. but like wad my friend said.... just treat it like u are a student... i will be fine.. right? i noe i will be... but.... butterflies in stomach.. pls leave me alone?

i am looking forward to the weekends, it's all that working "adults" look forward to i guess... but this week is an exception for me. after the weekends, i'm like officially starting a whole new journey and i'll be alone. i guess i shouldn't be afraid, i mean, i made the choice already didn't I? putting these thoughts aside, i'm still embracing the weekend. cycling in the morning... dinner with the guys at night....

i just have a problem with this huge red and swollen *** under my nose~!!

i have a love-hate affair with this particular weekend. tsk... the insecurity building up again....

Just for Angel:

SATC is Sex and The City. and we went victors kitchen on sat.... and then ate ice cream beside the dustbin! hahahaaa. Don't ask. Ah Chew was packed you see....

If I could blog in the office, maybe I would have flooded my blog already.... It's not that I got nothing to do in office, it's just that I'm going on a one week leave next week, so they would really rather I got nothing to do, to pass my stuff down to the new guy, to clear up my work... it sounds like I'm leaving hor.... I'm afraid after I come back, I would become reduncdant already. =/

Anyway, went to bedok 85 yesterday and i begin my glutton journey.. We had stingray, cockles and lala. WOO... shiok! The the bbq chicken wings... wanted to eat carrot cake or hokkien mee.. but cos chin didn't know and she ordered rice.. and bam! i m full.... but i still could stuff 2 Ah ballings in my mouth. hahaa.....

BUT i ended up with a tummyache.. not tummy tummy ache.... is more of i had gastric before chin came to pick me... and i just ate... after that, stomach was still in pain.. =/ but i didn't regret all the things i stuffed into my mouth. i'm still going back for more.. kembangan meesua would not see me for a long time...

got to go work... how can i blog at workkkkkk... hmmmmmmm

SATC never fails to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me touched.... the fabulous friendship that the characters share. at the really end of the day, having great friends to stick by you through every major or minor things in your life is the best blessings that one can have. and i'm always always thankful i have these bunch of friends who stick by me... during my grumpy and crazy times. Had one of the loveliest sat with the girls... HUGS. i cannot wait for the next SATC to come out.

Caught my sister's keeper today... and i cried buckets. like seriously.. and it was a really nice coincidence that GV gave out free packets of tissue today at the ticket counter. I'm not too sure if they gave out to only people who's watching my sister's keeper? but according to e boy, they dun give out to everyone... and on top of that, the cover of the tissue is not all that appropriate in the first place.. i mean hello, DARAH? with that scary woman... i told him to tear it away. i just wan the tissue which in the end serve its very good purpose. and ch is right... man has a gift and that is the fact that they know how to suck the tears right back in. it's a really nice show.. i read in the papers the ending is different from the book's? anyone read the book? wad's the ending like?

and so, there are times like tonight that i looked at my blog and realised i've neglected it. totally... and that i really really wanna do something about it. i hereby promise i will try to blog more often... words can be so communicative? some thoughts that i dunno who to tell... and as i type.. it just flows... so yea... i will tlry to blog more often. i'm sure i do have tt small handful of readers out there still.... i think.

anyone know about the show, A Christmas carol? or caughter the trailer? i'm so tickled by it...

"Disney's A Christmas Carol," a multi-sensory thrill ride re-envisioned by Academy Award-winning filmmaker Robert Zemeckis, captures the fantastical essence of the classic Dickens tale in a groundbreaking 3-D motion picture event. Ebenezer Scrooge (Jim Carrey) begins the Christmas holiday with his usual miserly contempt, barking at his faithful clerk (Gary Oldman) and his cheery nephew (Colin Firth). But when the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come take him on an eye-opening journey revealing truths Old Scrooge is reluctant to face, he must open his heart to undo years of ill will before it's too late.

SCROOGE!! HAHAA.... abit of a private joke... but yea... it's really funny when xin pointed it out to me.

A beautiful weekend yet again. Nothing happens by chance... everything is planned.. Tmr signing the contract. gosh.. nervous yet excited.. yet feel so unreal.. yet yet yet.... oh well.. lemme settle wad i m going to wear first...

i hate nights like this. much more than nights which darkness could swallow me whole or nights which loneliness engulfed me entirely... i really beautiful days that end on such a bitter night! yuck!!

i always seem to make the wrong choice! yuck yuck!

=(

nothing beats a doting boyfriend and i want to declare it proudly, in anyway i want.

i m a happy girl!! a start of a happy weeekend!

the best type of kisses in the world are kisses on the forehead. at least for me, that's definitely the sweetest type that I like.

these days, I've been living my life in a rush. i rush to work in the morning, cos i dun wanna be there later than 9, not even a min, i rush back tampines on days i have tuition which is at least 3 days a week for this month, cos it's the exam month. I guess weekday are like that, especially for the working pple. I do envy those who are going on holiday like one colleague of mine and friends who are going holiday at the end of the year. i also look forward to this particular sat, where i can spend the whole entire day with the boy. how long has it been since we had one full day tgt.... even though we wun exactly be by ourselves on that day itself... but i m looking forward to starting the day with u and ending it with u.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away. a kiss a day makes my blues away.

im in very good mood today. =) and when i look at my bank account balance and saw that the pay is in.. it simply made my day!

another great weekend spent though the weekend is not exactly over yet. but i know tmr will be just as nice as today.

i did something that i never thought i would. i actually queeue 20 mins or so for nasi lemak!? chin and i went changi village cos i was craving for nasi lemak. went there in the rain.. q in the hot hawker centre and den got a little impatient so i went to sit at some nearby seats while chin continued to q for me. haha... the place is smoky and stuffy... but i keep telling myself determination and perserverence will pay off.. and it did. the nasi lemak rox. maybe it's cos this entire week i have been starving myself, ill-treating my tummy. i will try not to do that next week, esp when i have intensive tuition and all. october will pass by in a flash. i know it will. which reminds me.. i need to go book my dentist appointment sooon. working life makes things not easy at all.

i'm very happy that you took the extra effort. i never thought after this long, the sparks and chemistry that i always talk of can still be flying in the air. no matter what happens, i'll always remember this blissful moment in my life.

if it's my efficiency that caused myself to do the extra work, i would just get upset with myself and frustrated but with myself. but it's not my inefficiency that made me work so late!! n i'm really pissed off about it....

- - - - - - -

felt much better after a pot of clam chowder... and yes, that's my dinner. i'm just worried abt tmr. how to finish the load of REPEATED WORK!!!!!!!!

arggg!!! clam chowder is not enough!!!!!

it's thursday and i am looking forward to friday cos i know it will end nicely. then a nice weekend will be spent with family, friends and my boy. though more time will be spent away from the boy but nvm, we'll make use of friday night after work.

work does get mundane on some days, but i'm getting used to it. i wun sae i hate it, in fact i'm ok to it to a certain extent. it opens me and show me what i might like and what i might not. time is on my side as of now and i'm going to make the best out of it and plan something for myself.

one big problem and that's money. it's not coming in faster than i would have like it to. i wanna change and revamp my whole wadrobe, the working clothes section. dunno where to start from and where to get the money from. grrrr.... but nonetheless......

i love weekends! =)

i have a love hate affair with public holidays. i love the fact that it gives me a longer weekend spent with the boy but i hate the fact that i go back to alot of piled up work waiting for me. haha... it's only singapore's public holidays, not other countries' that's why we have the piled up amount of work to do when we get back. i guess the long holiday is to prepare us for one of the busiest morning ever and the most rushed through lunch since i started work. o well... busy is good in a way also la, times flies.

i'm so glad the boy stays near where i stay. there's always a quick dinner together, taking the same bus home together. such short periods of time totally end my day on a happy note. it makes the day more bearable and it makes me dread tmr lesser as well.

do u noe soyjoy is really very nice. i take a bar with me to work nowadays, cos in case i get hungry in the afternoon or something. it's really v tasty, very much to my surprise. it's a tad too ex though. 1.85 for one.. tt's close to 2 dollars for at most 5 bites! maybe i should switch to quaker? or uncle toby... but soyjoy is really nice!!!! hahaa

how fast the past 3 days pass and here i m preparing for work tmr already. this is what working life is about yea? but at least i know i have a fruitful and nice weekend to look forward to every week. just that this coming week will be grandma's bdae celebration then watching a play on sunday too. katong laksa still on?

when i was at kino the other day, this book caught my attention. the title is how to spend less or something along that line. i flipped to the introduction page and the author said, if u picked up this book, it more or less show u know u are spending out of ur line and that u want to do something about it. haha.. yes i know, i need to save. big time.... i should really start organising my finances somehow, and save. no more nice foood for me, which is goood cos i am going to go on a diet, i am trying!!!!! =/

motivation, encouragement, love and care are all things i thrive on.

the man just don't get it. best slogan ever.

i love long weekends, i love sweet and nice weekends. i really do. but i hate the nagging feling somewhere at the back of my head telling me it's going to end soon or that work and sian-sation is waiting ahead of me.

and some silly boy just dun get any hints i gave him, and i tell u it's very obvious ones. i didn't even bother trying subtle ones!

it's a really goood day, a good start to the long weekend. maybe cos i started work, weekend seems more precious, sweeter? i m not entirely sure. maybe it's the alpha that i m attending, making the weekend feel so good? i really don't know. but i'm still smiling in front of the com now.

i had a really good day, good foood, good company and ended it on a sweet note. we had so much fun with 'The Ugly Truth", it really amazes me how long i've spent with this guy of mine and yet looking forward to more. God works in amazing way.... i don't doubt, i just wait and trust and on days like this, he simply brings me to cloud 9 and let me linger on.

i'm really happy. a nice weekend to compensate a decision made. =)

I don't know if I'd made the wrong choice. It's too early to tell. Maybe it's the fact that circumstances keep working against my favour.

Woke up at 5 to study and yet I don't feel like I'm ready, or rather I should say I don't feel refreshed and alert enough to be ready for the paper later. I'll do my best, all right but I can't wait to jump into bed at a super early time tonight already.

I just need a energy boost, somewhere, somehow to get me through this. Weekends therapy might help or maybe after 2 weeks or so, everything would have more or less settled.

i don't know... i can't think straight.

I read something today which made me deeply moved. Maybe at this point of time, it's still abit too complex for someone like myself to comprehend. but i'm going to remind myself, esp in times of needs that God always has a plan for us somehow.

It's coming into mind september already. i sometimes remind myself of a struggling person, maybe in waters. There's a log nearby and all i have to do is reach out to it and i can be saved, at least temporary. but yet, i refused to do so, i'm still trying to wait for an airplane to come, or even a boat, anything but that log. however, that log after so long, is still there... and i'm still waiting in vain. what am i looking for actually. i find it too tiring to go think, figure out or analyse. i want to do something for myself. something i can proudly declare the results of my determination.

somehow, i do feel good. despite of everything else in my life. i really do feel good. these few days.. i keep day dreaming, of somewhere in the future in about 5 yrs time. usual silly me. oh well....

i'm really angry with myself for the lack of discipline. i'm getting lazier and it's not benefiting me in anyway. why can't i do something about it.

help!!!!!

this weekend HAS TO BE PUT TO GOOOD USE!

i hate myself for being so weak and vulnerable. i hate myself for caring so much. the old saying is so true. the one who cares more loses most. being selfish seems like a better way out of this mess. i hate this feeling inside me. i hate it... time is on my side... and i hate it. i know what having time can do to me. i hate it. yucks.. everything sucks. big time!

love, hope and faith.... is all being put to test. and hope is plunging way down.

i have to say this is one of the best birthdays i had ever have. and strangely, this is not because of what i did or gifts i receive, but cos of all the well wishes i got from many people. people i know and people i've not seen for quite some time. it's really very endearing. how simple happiness can be. it's just very nice to know my friends care and i feel so so so loved!

but i still need to give an update how my birthday went right? hahaa.. am sure some people out there are curious, maybe, maybe not. just a record of it for myself to read it in the future den.

i waited for chef Tan to come over my place to cook me lunch.. seeing him busy in the kitchen... washing up the dishes, cooking the meal for me and making cosmopolitan for me, can't help but smile. den it was The Proposal, movie at downtown east den we took bus down to parkway parade... met nic's mum and ate dinner together. den after dinner, nic and i walked from parkway parade all the way down to ice cream chef to get one cup of ice cream. it's not the ice cream that made me smile and feel blissfully happy.. is the walk. i love taking long walks with my dear one, though i feel bad when i see perspiration forming on his forehead and neck.

finally we cabbed home and i have chin spending the last few minutes of my birthday with me. am i allowed to be so happy on a single day? i feel something bad would come my way somehow?? like job finding will be futile and all? (i'm trying not to think of money and job search issue the whole day) but true happiness is all i feel today..

i learnt that without expecting alot.... u actually receive so much more... Thank you everyone who played a part for my birthday and all the well wishes!! thankkkk uuuuuu

i'm terribly terribly upset. it's not working out.... i feel suffocated. i dun get respect for my privacy, for things i want to do, what i wear, who i want to hang out with and the list goes on. I know this shouldn't go on, someone has to do something about it.

it all boils back down to the same old stuff. i hate this place call.....

it's been a very long day. and i came home with blisters. at least 3 big ones. i even had to wear socks at home cos when my blistered foot touched the floor, it's very very painful.

one saddening interview.... and though i was exposed to this side of the world but it was a very very disappointing one. i think i was more disappointed with myself more than anything.

well.. the happy thing is i get to eat chix ballotine from Miss Clarity. and i get to meet my all time fav girl.

den tuition.....

den back home... with the v v v v sore legs.. wonder how i m gg to manage with heels tmr

It's time to sit down, collect my thoughts properly and then plan and decide what's the next step I should take. There are things to be done, people to be met. Time for the list to be put to use again. I have a rough direction now but certain things still can't be rushed. That I know...

Now that my dearest friend is back... the more i should organise and collect my thoughts properly. I want to accomplish and complete some tasks or take on new ones, I wouldn't mind that too. Anyway... I know this is pretty old stuff but i cannot seem to be able to find it anywhere. Anyone knows where I can get a cup cover? I have cups and I wanna drink my tea hot, but i don't have cup cover at home, don't know where to get it from either. pls tell me if anyone knows. best if can buy one set, the cup and cover one set.

time to be a regular blogger again!

seriously.... it's not as easy as time goes by. i always thought being in a r/s is only about 2 parties, den gradually, i learnt that it is not but does it have to be this bad? why am i so trapped in between? i wanan be neutral.. yet i wanna have a stand?

i think everything can be solved once i get a job? i really hope so? i feel so sad now.... this is my life? gosh..... i totally lost it.

the insecurity is scaring me. i dun have people to turn to. and this is the first time i really felt this way..... gosh.. i lost all the drive left in me already. never knew it was this hard. =/

i feel cheated..... =/ i really didn't feel it was wishful thinking on my part but wad could have gone so wrong? just start from scratch again. no problem at all

after quite a number of interviews... i'm back to square 1. or maybe not.... cannot really decide if i should take up a job that i never ever thought of doing but yet, i do see the benefits in it. or should i just do something mundane.... =/ here i am. stuck in my own thoughts and cannot really decide.

i keep doing crazzzy things these days... and i need money.... i'm running low on it. HELP!

do you know japanese cucumber is much crunchier than our normal cucumber. i think i can even get hooked to eating it. just peel off the skin, then take to chew. much healthier snack too.

yes.. i know it's been some time since my last entry. i know i'm being missed. but with two friends in shanghai, not being able to access blogger from there.. maybe no one comes here anymore.. except my angellic friend... who knows who she is.

i've been chilling, relaxing, meetin up with my beloved friends, hanging out and spending so much quality time with my bf, eating, drinking, slacking.... what else have i not done.. AH! i haven't start studying for my cfp. which is pretty late considering how early i always start. job search is a tedious process.. i hate interviews. i hate rejecting people.. i hate wearing those not pretty formal wears that i have. but i have to get a job. and my goal is to do so before my birthday. gosh.. i'm gg to be 22 soon.

have been cooking alot these days... we have JAPANESE day... KOREAN day, with the kimchi and all. we have normal 2 dish one soup day. u would think it's healthy and economical to eat in like tt. HEALTHY YES.. economical NO NO NO! salmon are expensive. and dun think kimchi is cheap either. because u always have to buy in bulk... and den put inside the fridge.. not as if my house got food in the first place. i even have to buy my own eggs to make sushi!

i want a job. but i'm hoping my boy get it first. =)

it's always the same scenes that make me cry when watching a show. it's always the same type of people and the actions they do. for instance, a devoted guy who goes all out for the girl he loves, only to be rejected time and again. his love is so pure, so innocent, no hidden agenda, genuine love and yet still gets rejected. and when he has lines like, "All I want is a chance to love you." or "Are you mad at me? Did i do something wrong by wanting to be by your side?" Simply very heart melting to me. I would be like tears streaming and scolding that stupid girl in front of the tv or laptop, why don't want him!!? The other guy no goood. Come on.. wake up to your senses! And the tears just won't stop. On top of that, I noticed English or Chinese movies with such lines, not as much impact as korean and japanese. Somehow, that language conveys more pain than the same lines in English and Chinese.

Another classic type would be telling a child that his/her parent is gone and the child would be innocently saying stuff like, "Is Daddy coming back to read me to sleep?" or "I miss daddy alot. He knows it right? He is always with me right?" errr, no exaggerations here, but i can feel the tears coming. And I noticed this type the dying party must be daddy. Maybe cos i m a girl, a daddy's girl. So i feel more for daddys, mummys not so, sorry to say.

And how can i forget to mention the death of lovers, and this one no gender. I can be weeping my heart out for a guy who lost his gf/wife or a woman who lost her bf/husband. Especially those, die innocently kind. Like just a normal citizen, accidentally involved in some gunshot. Good people die just like that without any prewarning and leaving their loved ones behind. The the standard lines like "Wake up! How can you leave me behind? You promised to take care of me for the rest of my life. How can you leave me!? or "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I should have trusted you. Please, open you eyes, look at me? I'm very sorry!" and many many many many more.

if i were prettier, taller and luckier, maybe i can try being an actress. i might be an all natural when it comes to crying scenes. They always say it's all about getting into the mood and thinking of things to trigger that mood. Well, I have mine already. Piece of cake to me.

as i was packing my room after my trip to phuket, i realised once again, how much memories i share with you and it's stashed all over my room. and if i were to take a list and seriously list them down. i'm not even sure i would be able to cover all grounds.

i feel fat. gosh... maybe it's not a feeeling and that i m really fat! but nonetheless, holiday was fun. long awaited, no disappointments. everything is just great. now back in singapore, where sea, sun, sand become a luxury, it's time to sit down, do up a resume properly.. and start sending them all out. mummy made it point clear, she doesn't want to feed me anymore. =( no more tuitions... i'm currently income zero. how am i going to survive mans.

but i'll worry abt that later.... now, it's meet ups, planning stuff and going out!!!

woke up at 4:30 am and studied till now, i haven't finish, but i'm feeling drained and saturated already. what i should be doing now is to read everything once true... try to get it cram into that puny brain of mine and float into the examinations hall, get that paper done and come out a free woman at 1pm.

and after that, everything is just going to be a breeze, literally, breeze, sun, sand, food and lots more. but right now, i'm very very far away from that breeze!

i'm learning how to appreciate it more now. it's not the same anymore, when in the past, i come back after a paper, and plopped down and play games watch show all the way. now with this laggy computer of my dad's.... =( entertainment zero. not even a proper msn

i freaking need a laptop!!!

and i'm feeling so sucky abt the situation. when there's nothing i can do. i hate sensitivity. i'm boiling, filling up with grrrr.... i wanna eat CAKES, SASHIMI, FOOD FOOOD FOOOD!!!!!

Cheers to more than half the ordeal survived and i'm still mentally sane. Cheers to 3 down, 2 to go. Cheers to the end and what awaits after it.

sometimes, trust is not a very easy to thing to do. cos u get disappointed after you trust. maybe that one person doesn't care as much as you do. otherwise, why the disappointment. the promise never came... oh well.. i'm glad i know now.

on a scale of 0 (IT idiot) to 10 (IT Geek), i would say i am a 2? so how the hell am i supposed to memorise the terms and technologies, understand them, put them in my storage system up there and vomit them up in the cold and freezing expo tmr!

and tmr is a race against time.. with less than 24 hours to prepare for the next paper on wed morning as early as 10, i'm so so so screwed. bye bye sleeping beauty and hello to panda. i can't wait for fri!! and sat!!!! and ultimately the 27th!! the most AWAITED DAY... 1300 is the time. the Alleluia time!

i'm tired... grouchy and going bonkers. but i'm still reading that textbook of mine. luckily for more.. i would have macs for breakfast tmr.. on the courtesy of someone special! though not a fan of macs, but it definitely has the power of cheering me up.

i'm sure the absence will make the heart fonder. times have changed but the hearts haven't. situations are different now but the people haven't. maybe they would, but it's equally likely, maybe they wouldn't. I've learn yet another life's most valuable lesson. we fall, we cry, we pick ourselves up and learn. who say we won't fall back on the same spot yet again, but that doesn't stop us from picking ourselves up and learn. everything happens for a reason and nothing will be wasted or go in vain.

i'm in love with strawberries. maybe it's red? but i especiailly love my strawberry moisturiser!! smells yummy and nice!! good foood plus strawberry smell makes me happy. i'm that easily contented at time actually. and if u guys notice.. my preference changes all the time. it's all about how updated u are with me.. i'm always in a phase of things!! it's like the classic example.. what's my favourite colour? of course... i'm sure i'm still loved by everyone who knows me despite of who i am.

this is going to be a very very packed week. of isolation and of mugging and of deprivation. till the next time i blog then

disappointment swept me in waves. one hit after another. never relenting on me. i feel so drained and tired already. but the race is only halfway through..

没有你的每一天 (徐婕兒)

回家的路總是很遠 話少得很可憐
一個人的晚餐 都是孤單的滋味
看見身邊重复上演 屬於我們的畫面
選擇逃避的眼 怎麼還是會流淚

愛著你的每一天 你就是我的世界
那時候還以為 我就愛這一遍
没有你的每一天 快樂離我好遙遠
心已隨你走了 還能用什麼感覺

我捨不得睜開眼睛 害怕身邊没有你
也許在夢境裡 是我們最近的距離
想念你温熱的手心 冷風裡把我握緊
當冬天又來臨 這温度該怎麼延續

謝謝你曾經愛過我 給我最美的經過
但生命最愛被剝奪 未來的路該怎麼走

there are good days just like today and very bad days as recent as yesterdays. i'm lost.... is there more to aniticpate? or should i be prepared for the worst.

i don't like how stagnant it can get

and evelyn.. it's really us that are not fated to eat wings or drumlets. i ordered that day tgt with pizza.. it came almost immediately.. although there are alot of pple in the restaurant.

there are many things in this world that we cannot anticipate. what answers will he give us or what will she think if i do certain things. i find this very intimidating but that's the nature of life.

things are getting frosty. and i'm getting tired. no more anticipation, no more expectations. not everyone can afford to have expectations of others. it's hurting in ways we never know hurts.

i've been stuck in this for a very very long time. either i gave up looking for the exit or i dun wanna exit. i dunno which is it. where am i?

on a nicer thing to note.... studying has been more productive this week thus far as compared to the many weeks before. KEPP UP THE GOOD WORK, LEONA. haha.. =)

i just send my fav girl/nightly addiction/motivator/entertainer off to china. shanghai is taking away all pple from me than necessary! how am i going to survive every night for 3 months? i might just end up sleeping early? my nights are going to be sooo boring! the ten packs of milo won't last 3 months!! =( =( =(

plus, i even accidentally lost the msg. OH GOSH!! i m such a mess ALREADY!!!! =( =(

how many times have this happen? how many times have i felt like this after the argument? how many times i tried to avoid but simply couldn't stand it and retort? I'm really tired. I hate myself for being weak sometimes. I should be able to prove something. i should be able to strive harder to make my mark, to prove something.

but who am i proving it to. i dun think happiness comes after proving and all. where's the happiness den. this shouldn't happen all the time, during the crucial time of my life. why are things made difficult for me.

i must be very weak. i'm so sick of u. of me. of all these.

caviar plus vodka and then durian after a while then B&J ice cream after that. i know, what a combination right.

mummy is right. we do know how to enjoy life.

I chanced upon this photography website today and as much as I wanted to show you guys a few pictures from it, i couldn't copy and paste them.

Something the photographer mentioned in his website caught my attention somehow. That he hopes the photos inspire us to love and think about falling in love. I always think that falling in love is not a difficult thing. What's something to cherish and precious is more of finding someone you love who loves you back. And after you find that someone, it's even harder to maintain a relationship, to balance it and to live with this person for the rest of your life. So if you have found the one, cherish and treasure, give and take is ok... and even if you haven't found the one, continue searching cos love finds you.

"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

Wedding vows are the most touching words and most beautiful words to hear and to say. People should always take them serious and in times of troubles or doubts, we should always remember we have vowed to support our partners for life and this is a promise we made to him/her and to God.

Weddings are so beautiful.. not that i'm craving for mine. just that, i would really liek to start a career somehow along that line. hmmmm.

http://rebirthphotography.com/?load=flash

what do we eat on a rainy day and when u are feeling lazy, yet have no wish to cook or go downstairs and buy food?

we have steamboat! and that's how we spent Good Friday before the boy goes for duty tmr.

haven't been studying real hard, and i'm thinking when i can really focus and drive away all the distracting thoughts. something is amiss, but i can't figure out what is.

the closest i can get to peanut butter chocolate.

have been snacking alot these days and this has not happened since a very long time. the exams are getting into me. i get frustrated over the smallest things. vexed and irritated..... grrrrrr

not looking forward to the rest of April.

so dejected, so rejected, so unaccepted and so unworthy of sympathy..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

there are days i felt truly intoxicated, enough to forget what's important and enough to avoid as much as possible before i have to face reality. however, there are also days when the harshness of it all really gets to me. i know i can't expect cherry days all the time. but i don't know how to deal with all of these...

my self proclaimed holiday has come to an end.... i'm in a v v v bad state now.

First and foremost, i'm really sorry to make your eyes suffer due to poor quality of my pictures. i know my usual camera is not that fantastic to begin with but these are much worse. reason being they are taken by my phone. i know i need to change phone. i need and want lots of things and all of which require money. mum went taiwan so i lend her my camera, which she came back and tell me she never use. tsk. anyway, i'm sure you guys are really concerned about how nic's birthday celebration went. here it is.

if u can actually read, it's actually the "poem" for the month on my monthly calender. so apt. toking abt cakes.

i did a table setting for him... with "candle". couldn't use real candles cos u guys know my house already very hot, so i had to make do with fake ones.

does he look very pale in this pic? or issit the camera. no pictures on the food, my bad. he was sick on his birthday and didn't really recover until this morning actually. nice tiramisu cake, for kids he sae.. cos no alcohol taste in it. anyway, he couldn't even eat much of his fav. that shows how sick he is.

so it's a birthday well spent. though he's sick and all but at least we created more memories together.

Lately, i've been giving some thoughts how to build up on my assets. my liabilities i know, daily expenses being all of it plus occassional spurlge but i got no income coming in for me to spend like this. the only way i can go about spending is to build up on my assets first, this way, my assets can earn money for me which i can then spend. hmmmm.......

Do you know that there's going to be a Monopoly Competition coming soon in Singapore? 4-5 April. As quite a big fan of Monopoly, i'm kinda quite excited about it. but i'm all alone in this enthusiasm. So it's hard to feel like joining, with no one who can accompany you to do so. Oh well, i still think it's quite exciting.

My mum left the house around 5 plus this morning so by the time i wake up, she's gone, suddenly the house seemed quieter and i do miss having a presence at home. maybe not the voicem is the presence. and coming home to a quiet house knowing she wun come back at 10pm.. it's quite freaky. hmm.. maybe i'm not tt ready to move out of myself after all.. i'm not too sure.

it's a tiring day. anyway... i was thinking do i sound like i m complaining abt my bf all the time... or grumbling abt him? don't get me wrong know, he's great. he's cute, he's silly. he's my bf. haha.. just that i think if i go all gooey or lovey dovey on my blog abt stuff we do or he said... u guys wouldn't want to read right... i hate reading such blogs.. like tooo sweet. so i try not to do it. but dun think my bf is mistreating me, k. for the most part of it no la.. but he's nice la. in a blokish way. haha

i m tired!

the weather is reallt killing me. i know some people will think, no biggie, cos they might not sleep in aircon daily. but for me.. i'm very used to it already. further more, i am someone who prefer being frozen to death than having the heat get the better of me. so with ushc hot weather and plus those who come my house should know how hot it is. without aircon.. i m really dying! =/

finally finished my cfp module 3 exam. after studying for quite some time until i feel so saturated yet i still left the room after the paper feeling quite shitty as well. no girl gets lucky twice in a row right? well.... what surprises me is when i came out of the room, the boy is THERE already. must be come out very early. we got posted to different rooms u see... Choo and Tan. before he left me in my room, he was like choo la choo! haha

no brunch after that but we did get to go Vivo. and tt's like after a v v v long time since i last went. i'm pretty sure it's been more than a year.

i love spending time with him. but seriously.... he's soo irritating! he loves smacking my face.. can u guys believe it!?? will u ever treat ur gf like that~!!! qing qu he calls it. let me give him some credit, k? being a blokish guy all of u guys noe.. he can be really sweet sometime. totally unexpected and he himself dun even noe it's sweet. curious curious? ask me... =)

so now back to exams business. determines my graduation. mummy is going on a holiday tmr. to taiwan for 5 days. finally, she's getting some life. i'm happy for her. i need some getting used to coming back home to empty house... but i noe once i get used to it.. she would b back.

and thanks jie for mob tv. haha!! i m so enjoying!

gosh, i'm being punished for some things i did in the past year or whatever. the hottest period of singapore and my air con is broken down! mum dun seem to have the intension to fix it and i'm feeling hot and sweaty in my own house! no air no air!!!!!!!

sent yan off.... finally left the few of us from xcyflawx (i forgot the one added with yan) in singapore. exams are drawing nearer, i need more strength and determination. i need to focus, deprive myself of life and totally focus.

baby's birthday coming... 100000 things not done!!!!

boon. i'm touched, u left comments on the first 3 entries! ahahhaa.... =)

still recovering from my wounds, though it's painful and not that i don't wanna qing cao you, it's more of cing cao you is painful and if i put den go to bed, sure stain the bedsheets!!! =( not sure if i can run tmr, but of course, not an excuse. although although...... i might have stretched a muscle.... hahaha.. excuses.

i'm trying to blog more often here.. but putting effort into my baby too.. hey friends... do go there... give comments, k? it's effort.. dun be too judgemental! ahahhaa..

here's the baby:

www.redstripesgreencircles.blogspot.com

maybe i was born a klutz but i only knew it now. when i think back, as far as my memory can stretch, there were lots of instances that suggested i was one. first day in primary school where i had the older student bringging me to tour around the school, i was this mini park we had and attempted to run over. i tripped and fell on the road. and that's how i knew where the teacher's staff room was then. I had to apply medication there. of course, there were other instances when i got ahead of myself in PE classes, running around, sprinting or whatever i as doing, i also fell. it's always the scrapping of knees or elbows. not to forget, palms too.

when i grew older, that was when i realised i could also trip over myself while playing ball games with my peers. be it captain's ball or basketball. there goes the knees again. and sometimes if i was unlucky enough, i could even sprain the ankle, which i did and had to go to a chinese sinseh to get it treated. i kinda pulled a muscle at the ankle i think.

and of course as i grew even older, i do trip over my own legs and then give lame excuses like my legs are too long and such. but i somehow managed to stable myself before i land on the ground. and now that i have nic with me, he's always there for the extra tug back if i was going to land forward. so i thought somehow, i'm quick enough to make myself steady or fast.

or so i thought. cos yesterday, just because i was a little lost, i panicked and quickened my pace, either my so called long legs somehow tangle or i tripped over something not even on the ground, but i landed hard on my left side. nothing too serious, just scrapped a knee, an ankle and my palms. when u injured ur palm.. or hand for that matters, it's very difficult to do anything cos everytime u move it.. or touch water, it hurts. it doesn't mean u are injured, u dun have to wash ur daily laundry you know. then i found out, somehow i injured my right last toe as well. only found out today.

so finally, i conclude..i m a klutz

Looks very creepy yea... my big boy loves to play with dry ice...

i know i haven't been blogging really often.. blame it on laziness, studying and my big baby project. can't wait for it to be launched!

it's less than 2 months to my exams, i'm v v v stressed. i feel so unprepared and i got no skeleton to follow what to do. i work best with a skeleton and i can work even more efficiently with a draft as to what to do. damn... right now, i just have to go intensive revision faithfully and hope that somehow, it motivates me and i can see a direction as to how to begin.

it's been so long yet some prejudice seemed to stay. i keep telling myself time will make it all better, but humans are so stubborn. or issit everyone around me are particularly thick in the head. words dun seem to go in.. neither are they very good at communicating their thoughts or opinions to me without me blowing up. need to curb my temper as well.

some people might think i got no life. but i'm happy being the stay-home girl as i am. why do people always put down others? to make themselves feel better? i dun blame them actually, i blame myself for being so weak willed and not able to stick to my own view, stick to what i think makes me happy.

caught Marley and Me yesterday and towards the end of the show, i have a girl beside me sniffing, a girl in front of me leaning in towards her bf's shoulders while he patted her on the head. and somewhere someone is tearing the tissue out or some sort, and further away, someone else is sniffing as well. lots of sniffing and lots of tissue sound. it's a great show seriously.. very heartwarming family type of show. the last time i felt THIS way about any movie is actually Click. and to think in the morning after my usual run, i was telling nic, no i don't want a dog. totally changed my mind. and of course my silly bf had to whisper, quite loudly, are u crying!? isn't that an understatement already. haha.... so him.

somewhere down the afternoon.. i forgot exactly what we were toking about but most probably me kicking up a fight of sort sort.. but he was saying.. we should have been the happiest couple around. hmmm... he never said that before and this got me thinking whether my unnecessary fight picking skills is the crucial part to us not getting it perfect. and den a few hours later.. he was threatening me not to post up his cylops look alike picture. haha.... well, i really won't dare to do it for who knows what he will do for me. seriously, did i sae we are a steady bland boring couple? think i have to take it back.

I thought this heart shaped chicken look really interesting. couldn't resist taking a picture of it. and after which i was told my KIA bf that chicken breast is often shaped this way. he never fails to make me stupid.. =/

i've got another sunday to look forward spending it with him. let me just stay this contented and blessed for a while before i think of getting my skills up another notch.

march is going to be the beginning.

let's have some non food related posts. slightly downcasted by my failure to cook decent prawn paste chicken on sunday but i will improve. the boy said that i m far far far from being a chef. and he's not the least bit kind in his words. hmph.

had a pretty nice day today. he finally went to finish up with his applications and all, now just have to wait for applications to be approved.

i just woke up 2 hours earlier than normal.. and i m so darn tired the whole day.... =/

i m already counting down to end of may... while the guys are counting down to ord.

finding the last person who love me enough to buy me a book!

On a saturday night... it's home cooked meal yet again.

Starting off with healthy stuff... fruit salad... there's lettuce.... and strawberries as u can see... cherry tomatoes are alwaysa must. and dried cranberries which we put for a change. not too bad.. a sweet and healthy starters!

My home made pasta yet again. and this time i tried out penne with chicken. that's bacon bits u see on top as well. hmmm.. my pasta sauce ar got lots and lots of room for improvement! hope to do better. the next time i post on pasta will definitely be a item that i m satisfied with.

The spread before us! and notice, we are really getting healthies.. Yakult ar.. we also drink Yakult Light.

And of course, not forgetting desserts! my all time favourite meiji yogurt! i love the mixberry in particular!

i'm supposed to be studying right this minute. but somehow, i don't feel the urge to do it. i feel like screaming, i feel like yelling, i feel like running away. i'm not feeling THAT extreme.. but i feel like i got alot in my mind and due to lack of memory space.. i can't seem to recall the things i have to do abt my life right now.

thurs are such tiring days to study. i can't wait for the weekends. i'm not even talking coherrently.

Boo

i have to say this, Breakout was amazing! Excellent... very nice. i love the dance... and pardon my ignorance or stupidity(according to the boy), i realise why is it call breakout only today. Breaking out of jail... and all the while, i thought they call it breakout cos it's related to break dancing.. which it is.. but not the reason why they call it breakout. okok.. silly me. well.. i love it!!! totally made this day so much nicer!!!! vday with the boy has never been this good.

so that's it for my very special v-day. plus dinner at our lao di fang of course... =) definitely a good day and will be remembered down the road. =)

It's burger day! seriously... it's successful and even the monster gave me 9 marks, out of 10. that's mashed potato at the side, on top of lettuce with two tomatoes at the side.


and ta-da! this is my chicken patty!! it's really successful this time. not hard at all. it's even a little juicy!! lalala... i can make burgers!!! ought to improve on the taste... i find it a tad too bland, though monster said it was fine. i'm happy.


sent off my dearest girlfriend today in the morning. hmmm.. what kind of feeling is that.... a little sad, a little longing, a little this and a little that. all mixed together. but i'm still glad i went. and i will miss her.. for these 6 long months to come. somewhere along the road.. i will definitely feel her absence... den i would get emo and flood her with a long email. haha.. i'm v capable of that. well.. all the best my girl! hugssss!

is it wishful thinking on my part to dream of romance and sweetness once again?

It's Japanese Day! we both agree it's a fattening day though.. haha.

our usual sashimi with kikoman soy sauce plus wasabi.

Our new addition, besides the usual rolls and sashimi that we will have. His favourte Salmon Don... i told him, eh? the seaweed like not much taste ar.. den he sae.. that one for decorative purpose! haha... i decorated the borders with the cucumbers! so cute right!

i lazy to put up the pictures of the sushi rolls, look pretty much the same everytime. with eggs and cucumber and all. but this is the best Japanese Day we ever had, with vinegar in the rice.. with wasabi and nice soy sauce. haha... the level of authencity!

i'm looking forward to V-Day... and dreading the end of Chinese New Year

Whether we are growing older or younger as each day passes, whether we are prolonging our life with the latest medical science or trying to look like we did 20 years ago, death is inevitable. however, on our deathbeds, do we have a great story of our lives to share? was it pure dressing up to the nines, dolling ourselves up, buying the most expensive brands, going to the most happening places, plotting how to make the husbands stay or die, in the case of insurance money, is our life worth any bit to share with people?

i've been focusing so much on how to doll myself up, feeling so upset that i can't look better, envious of what so many women had. i forgot slowly and gradually, i'm neglecting what i have on the inside. at our funerals, do we want people to only remember our big diamonds, fancy cars, great skin, white straight teeth, healthy hair? perfect weight, slender hips? or do we wanna hear stuff like she was a great mother. or daddy would have supported me regardless wad happens or she was a woman of her times, a loss to us. does it still matter how we look if we were leading life to our fullest, defined by ourselves. what do we wanna be? happy on the inside or happy on the outside for all to see. it's a choice we make.

recently, i told amelia to look out for signs when u are making decisions. well.. it's to ease her and after all i m a believer of signs. signs are everywhere and everything is something to inspire or to teach us something. Like if we never lose someone we love, how would we had known that they were important? everyday we wake up alive is a blessing. i'm beginning to love Fridays, despite night classes (esp now that chin dun wanna send me home and i have to take cab but it's not important). it's on fridays when i have time to myself, to soak in the solitude of it all, to appreciate, to reflect. when that time stood still for me, i totally forgot i m a city girl. Life itself truly is amazing and i got to do what i want to do. no hesistation, if i don't do now, when then can i do the things.

John Grisham never fail to amaze with the plot and this twist to the story. once again, i'm mesmerised.

my new shopping motto for the year, and this motto exludes books or comics:

Never be in a rush to get anything, always wait for sale maybe, or just wait till i dun feel like getting it anymore.

i've got so many things to do, from not so important things like sending out my warranty cards, to super important things like mugging for my exams and then on to life and death things. haha... last part was an exaggeration but it's life changing things, like getting a job, starting my career as well as taking up more responsiblities at home, starting from handling my own phone bill. it's right on top of the list.

recently, my dad seemed very addicted to wathcing those very very old dramas, those kind act and sing, very very olden days with all the costumes and chinese instruments playing in the background. we're having this channel for free trial till 12 Jan and somehow, daddy seemed very stuck to it. haha.. it's funny la. musical began such a long time ago. there's this scene that got the both of us cracking up, and mind you, i wasn;t wacthing.. but the tv's on right in front of me.

there's this scene.. this servant girl got beaten up darn badly and was about to die... she could still stand up, stagger abit though and SING... for quite some time. cannot stop laughing until she fall down and die. i was half thinking she would stand and sing again lo. hahaa. not being mean here. i just cannot appreciate it. generation gap?

i feel so sick going to school lately. serious feeling darn sian about it.

there are things i don't want to dwell on, cos i'm still trying to sort out my feelings within. i always thought i'm a very extreme person. someone who knows my feelings straight away and act upon them. when i'm happy, i laugh i bounce, when i m angry, i shout and got very irritated with everyone around me. and when i'm hingry and tired, i get grumpy. however, there are still certain issues that came to me and i don't know how to feel. it's the second time in the year already. i need time to sort out. and then i would know how to feel thus, wad to do about it.

a very nice cny gathering indeed. girly session.. tok tok, laugh laugh. though times like this is rare, cos it's quite impossible to gather everyone at times but with one session like this... i can be contented for at least 6 more mths. no more than that! hahaha....

the future seemed uncertain but we have to make the effort in everything we do. if u want something badly, u got to work towards it. cos i believe everyone is within our reach so as long as we give it all. so with the cny holiday coming to an end.. it's serious mugging time. no more vww, no more shows on tudou and of course less storybooks and comics... study study study.

and just to remind myself one day when i read my archives... i love that boy of mine very much at this point of time. uncertainties are bound to exsit along this road.. but i want to remember now and record it down. seriously.. 3 years ain't easy, especially for me. but i'm glad we stick on... let's just have to see where the future and God has to lead us to den.

nights everyone. love all u girlfriends i have out there! muacks...

i always thought i'm a traditional girl. i love the traditions and i follow them but of course i come to realise, i observe the traditions selectively. i don't observe all traditions but only those i like. well.. i'm still a city girl at heart i guess.. a city girl who tries to follow traditions. but this can't be helped. after all, we watched american style movies, read Candace Bushnell's novels. what's then the traditions in the asian way as compared to those of the western country? that's why mum and i are always disagreeing. she's much too traditional, without any movement in her mindset. still stuck in the sixties. seventies i think.

but she's trying to improve.. and i'm trying to accept, it's very difficult, especially with a wide gap of thirty years... there's a limit to how much compromise one can make, be it her or me. but we try.

this cny hasn't been a big hoo ha for me. used to love cny... bu i guess, my feelings for it is totally different now. have i grown older? outgrown it? maybe the time will come when i will get all excited again, and that's when all of us are old, have our own familes and children, where we can visit homes of our friends.. and talking of old stories.. maybe that's a different feeling for cny then.

yes i noe i am fat. =/ dun feel attractive anymore

another nice weekend spent. nothing special.. juts doing last minute shopping, not that i need to spend that much, i'm already very broke by the way. however, temptations are everywhere and it's not helping that there are still sales here and there.

2 chinese movies and both with local actors/actresses, i must say the boy has been very much accomodating in this aspect. he's just so mischeiveous at times that i feel like ignoring him the whole day. cos he can really tick me off.... so irritatinngggg but i can't ccos i'm not an angry person by nature unlike him.. who can flip as and when.. i shouldn't be bitching, oops. but well.. this is us.... back and forth, here and there.

so chinese new year eve. second year that my small fmaily of 3 decided to do it on ourselves. usually, we dine somewhere. like my gm's place. this year, i feel slightly more useful.. cos i am given the most important task of all.. preparing of soup base! very excited about this year's steamboat.. haha.. u girls would know why.

can't wait for this sat! =)

it's been three years.

3 years since we decided to interwine our paths together. 3 years of joy, laughter, fun and of course with arguments, tears and frustration. We had our share of busy times, we had our share of quiet ones. We had our share of working hard and playing till our hearts' content. We definitely have our share of differences and sure, we had a spat everynow and then. We had our share of making up, and boy, were we good at that. We shared the good, we shared the great and we shared a tear or two. and i wouldn't trade any moment that i shared with you.

during which, we learn to endure, to tolerate, to love more, to expect less, to lean and or support each other in times of need. never regretting that moment three years ago when we chose to be a part of each others' life.

with beautiful sapphire studs and a nice meal to come.. and a lovely movie at my request,

Happy 3rd anniversary!

the day is half gone and is already one of the best i ever had since the year started. not as if the year started very long already but well... finally found the strength to go school on a friday morning, lugging my heavy and sleep body there. but i'm glad i stick through the 3 hours plus. cos it makes me feel useful!

and then i went on to catch a movie on my own. my first! yes i know i m slow.. but it feels great can. and i chose the perfect movie to catch alone.. The Women... no male figures in the whole show. mentioned man but no male cast at all! unless u count the last part, where the newborn was a boy. then again, they didn't show the sex of the baby.. so who knows.

but i love my day already. lugging my body back to school for night class. =)

no sapphire studs, no movie watched but it's still a very nice day, memory lane down a decade ago. =)

my fav fish beehoon, my must-have apple-orange juice, topped with two yummylicious tong heng egg tart. and a surprise treat from mum when i got back, another cup of apple orange juice. haha... i marvel at the simplicity of it all, to make this tiring day all better.

on the other hand, i ponder over the complexity of human minds. why are some people, stuck in the mud, yet still think that they are doing fine and that people shouldn't meddle in their affairs or that people who are concerned are mainly pain in the neck. isn't it true to say that outsiders actually see things clearer? outsiders actually see how deep u are stuck in that muddy pile. but if u are to refuse to listen to me, what more can i say?

why aren't human simpler? when we need help, we should ask for it. why do some people choose to suffer in silence?

then again, i guess it's the complexity in us that makes life interesting. if we are to be programmed to behave in a certain pattern then everyone would be the same. however, i just wished u would listen, or rely on me more.

i take silence very badly.

it was still a happy day.

went to ikea yesterday and bought stuff to do a little revamping for the new year. not that much of a revamp, but more of keeping my stuff organised. i was packing my comics and i realised i have alot. alot of them. i packed till i perspired, almost felt like an exercise, going in and out of the room, transferring the comics from my mum's room to my storage box that i bought. now that 3/4 of my comics are in my room, with my storage box having rollers underneath, mummy says i look like i wanna run away from home anytime!

well.. the remaining comics left in my mum's room are those uncompleted set, and mind you, there's till quite alot of it. hahaha... next, i'm going to get a shelf to put my things so i can clear the things on my study table and resume it back as a real study table, preparing for the exams i have in May. also, lots of clothes thrown out of the cupboard, cos i bought alot of new ones in 2008 when i discovered the joy of shopping online.

i feel much better about my room now but i can't help thinking of all the money spent on books and clothes... tsk. oh well, resolution is to cut down for the new year. which appears to be very difficult already.

went parkway today and it's quite fruitful. the boy bought most of what he wanted to buy. i more or less 'completed' my new year shopping. though it's not done with aniticipation. i realised cny is more or less a holiday for me, nothing more. i dun even visit past 3 houses. how fun should cny be for me anyway. end up being really bored only, being an only child and all as well.

i'm motivated to slim down further!! for my cny clothes!

Loving someone is a very intriguing thing. It can be complicated and frustrating at times yet it can bring you joy from the simplest thing.

We never stop learning how to love a person or about the person himself. when you thought you have that person all figured out, he totally surprised you by something he does or says. and that's when we learn all the new possibilities of loving a person again. if someone were to tell me, i know my partner inside out and i can figure out what he's thinking, i would say, think again. maybe u need to rework on the sparks between the two of you because what makes loving someone an enjoying process, plus the complications, is that you never stop learning. when you think you've totally figured the person out, it's most likely you're getting bored with the person and nothing you see fascinates you anymore.

some people crave for the opportunity to have someone to love or to be loved. i guess it's something that most of us want, with exceptions of course. but most of us want to be in love. it's hard to explain what being in love is like, cos every love is different in its own way. with every detailed feelings, it differs one love from the other. people think this couple may be all so sweet and lovey, but do you know what they go through or what they feel exactly? yes, there's the sweetness, there's the part that no matter what happens, we still have someone to lean back on. there's the part that we will never be bored on friday nights and weekends ever, there's the part that someone loves and is concerned about us in a way it makes us smeil all the way to our heart. there's also always elements of surprise here and there.

but is that someone going to love us no matter what happens? wad if we become ugly, fat or what if we are selfish or guillible and stupid? who gaurantees that the love will still be there. this is where the exceptions come in. they choose to be individualist who feel that life alone is better. no worries, no control, no tears, can be selfish all they want cos they don't have to be accountable to anyone. of course they got no choice abt their parents. so they choose not to complicate their lives by having to add someone in to love.

i won't say what's right what's wrong but every part of ur life should be a process that u fall, learn and get smarter and better. we shouldn't try to avoid a road that's right in fron of us, by going to find short cuts somewhere further and of course when we choose to walk this road in front of us, we should do it bravely. be open-minded cos when it comes to loving someone, anything and everything can happen. so what if u get hurt, isn't it only part of the process? rejection doesn't make u less worthy, who u are and how you portray urself makes up who u are. you are who you are.

i'm talking in circles already. but my point is, i keep learning new things when i love that person i love now. i can get so upset and irritated, yet as irritated as i am, why am i still smiling. i am a true believer that no one can be indispensible, but everyone should cherish who they already have in their lives. you can live without a person but u shouldn't stop caring who u already have. sometimes, just once in a while, take a step back and see how u should take the extra effort to make someone happy.

so i'll never regret choosing to love, despite all the unhappiness and frustrations it come with. everyone should experience that. but what happens in the future will be how you deal with the present.

on a lovely yet lazy saturday night.... ( i know my camera sux)

my attempt @ western food. that's chicken patty, done out of mince meat with black pepper sauce. tt's premium smoked ham at the side, broccoli (to fulfill my new year resolution of greens in every meal) and my very own mashed potato with bacon bits! the chicken was a tad hard though.. but nonetheless, i love my mashed potato!

and of course accompanied by some fruit wine. wine is a thing i don't go without lately, with my home cooked meal, be it chinese food or western food. another new year resolution, drink more wine!

if only there were desserts. we missed it out. hmmmm. =)

this is my last post before the year ends, everything has ended on a pretty good note for me. give and take. give and u will receive. i'm determined not to let anything get me down t spoil the end of my 2008.

may 2009 brings me happiness, bliss and joy! may all my resolutions be completed too!

though i am home counting down due to the boy having duty tmr, i'm contented. really.

Happy new year!!!

Carlsberg, it doesn't get any better.

i'm totally into twilight after i watched the movie. i m hooked. so getting dvds, waiting for the next sequel to it, plus reading the books. i m hooked. even more so when i realised how the author came about writing the book, it's inspiring. yea, have i mention.. i am hooked.

one of my interest, or hobby is to collect different types of monopoly. the first monopoly i had, the very original with Mayfair as the most expensive property and Old Kent Road as the cheapest property, is given to me as a gift by my mum many many x'mas over. that was when my mum still bother to give me x'mas gifts and without thinking, i asked for monopoly. but with this first monopoly, it's always my mum and i playing it and sometimes, i have to beg her to play with me, cos she would be very tired after work and i recalled, most of the time she won. once, in record time less than 15 mins. when i was young, i would be sulky that she won and when i must declare bankrupt, i just keep saying i owe her i owe her just so that the night continues and tt we can play longer and maybe cause i kept thinking i will win it back.

so yea, my first monopoly. then somewhere maybe 1 or 2 xmases later, i saw they have monopoly in the singapore edition. naturally, i asked for tt as my next xmas gift. i love that too.. feels happy tt my collection is increasing and all. i would choose different versions alternately to play with my mum. i remember in order to make it difficult for two players, cos those who play would know it's pretty easy for 2 players to win, lesser competition you see, i came up with all sort of rules. now, come to think of it, i cannot remember if i m the one who came up with it or i was taught those rules.

you see, i used to go to my cousin's place every sunday and cos this playmate was so precious to me, we try to play all sorts of games, from dig dug, pacman to singing competition where the results were always the same, hopscotch in the kitchen, but so monopoly is a game we can play once in a while, so i remember when i play monopoly then, there were rules such as first round no buying of property, nothing, u can only walk around the board the first time. or when u throw double and reach a space, u cannot do anything but throw again and things like, money as fines or taxes all go the free parking and the one who reach there takes it all, can build houses even when u dun have complete set and even when u have complete set, build one shot at one of the property.

now, as a monopoly fan grown old. let me correct it. no such thing as first round, can just buy. and when throw double, move to the space, can do wadever the space allows u to do then throw again and ar, houses must be built equally, if start with one, all the properties of tt colour must have one. in other words, build evenly.

so naturally, when my cousin's house has play station with monopoly disc, i was fascinated, love it. but i think she got bored of it.. and we ve to play other games instead. but my love never die there. when i first realise monopoly went beyong monopoly, and there are concept games such as choco-poly or animal-poly. though not the original Parker Brothers, it caught my attention and on my 20th Birthday, i got chocopoly AND photo-poly, which sorry girls, haven't got to do it yet.

just an intro, photopoly needs u to fill in the pictures, like a DIY thingy.

so now, with my latest edition, the BibleOpoly. i'm really a fan ain't i? i can memerise all the rent, price, rent with one house, 2, 3, 4 even with a hotel. i know exactly where the token moves just by thorwing dice. i played that often you see. but monopoly always reminds me how lonely i was as a child. i remember when i was bored on a Saturday afternoon, when my mum is at work, i would play by myself... acting as 2 players, moving and deciding for both. if not, i would call my cousin, and ask her to choose token.. throw dice for her.. ask her decide and all.... this is the "perk" of being only child. when people tell me only child is good, i just think to myself, if only u went through it urself.

now as i grow older and monopoly became a collecting thing, feels slightly better. some people might not understand why i like it so much, but it means something to me. being part of my childhood and all. monopoly now also come up with more and more different variations.. one day, i might be a collector of all, even limited edition, if i have the money. but yea... it's a part of my childhood.

a simple home cooked meal but it's a delicacy and time well spent already. emperor chicken, stir fry brocoli and a mug of root beer. =) i'm that easily contented at times.

had a lovely xmas gift today. BibleOpoly... very nice.. very funnily fun! had a good time.



only, i lost to the boy.... his little church at Jerusalem. his winning point!

i have been regularly blogging in the blog for amelia that i neglected my own blog. she went India and i promised her i will update her daily about my life. don't envy her, we have a long history since way back in primary school. i remember during those times if i go holiday, we will each keep a exericse book and write down out tots daily, things we wanna tell each other, in case we forget, den when i come back, we will exchange the exercise book. wonder where are all those exercise book. will love to find them back to read mans.

so ya, sorry people, i know there are people who keeps coming to check if there's a new entry so hey there.. this is a new entry. remember dun give up on my blog. it will never close down or be abandoned. i'm simply a person who has too much tots and i have to "pen" them down. have been busy busking in the festive season. shopping, gift wrapping. i currently already got like 7 presents to be wrapped. but mainly is wrap for other pple. not my own gifts. long story why i have to help chin do her wrapping. oops, did i mention chin? well...

anyway, life's really great at this moment. everything seemed so nice and happy, esp with xmas coming. i hope i can keep the happy feeling there.. the last few months have been quite a nightmare, i personally feel. and i have no wish for history to repeat itself. it's time i learn how to keep the happiness and let go of the unhappiness.

everyone has been very nice to me lately too... issit the festive season getting into everyone or issit they are like tt all the while, and only now i learn how to appreciate and see? well... since i m in such good moood. can ask me out. i'm good company when i'm like tt. =)

when you get really really angry with your loved ones, there's always a remedy that you can use to make your boiling point go all the way down.

just ask yourself, can u bear the tot of that person not in your life anymore. if not, bear with this cos ur love for that person is way too much to stay angry and let bitterness eat into you.

i've put up a xmas wishlist over on the left... any kind soul with a good heart and in a mood of sharing, consider any of the following?

pretty please look at it?

and i'm totally in love with leehwa's Joy&Luv bracelet from Destinee. i m crazy about it...

I used to detest xmas. the heartache, the lies, the pretense, the nights spent crying and the festive lights mocking at me. but ever since i got the bear from u that xmas n years ago, i begin to feel festive lights can be quite pretty at times too.

now, i look forward to xmas. i like the warm feeling, the feasting mood, the sharing season, the buying of gifts and seeing happy faces all around. have i changed? no.... i'm still the less than optimistic me but i have you. making u happy is all that matters, especially on such a festive season.

i love to believe there's santa, carrying boxes of gifts. i like having presents under the tree, it makes the tree pretty. of course we can't place cash or vouchers under the tree. sorry, i m idealistic. but since i used to detest xmas.. now can't i paint a beautiful picture of it and dream about my lovely christmas?

dear friends and family, join me in the festive mood. dun attempt to ruin it for me.... when i get mad... i get mad.

What i want for Christmas:

1. Chinese soup recipe book
2. Measuring spoons for cooking purpose
3. Wine glasses (Red wine)

When we are born, our parents had just gave us the first great gift, and that us our life. They had a choice, whether to want us or not. Our mums had a choice too, whether she wanted to hold us in her womb for 9 months and go through labour pains to bring us to earth. To me, that is the first great gift that our parents gave us.

The second great gift our parents give us is our name. When they decided to give us life, they also decided they want to love us and give us all the best things in the world. And that's why they gave us the best name that they can think of, nothing but the best. It may not be perfect, but when they put that name down on our birth certificate, they really think it's the best. The second great gift they gave us.

Throughout our life since birth, our parents keep giving us what they think it's the best, be it gifts, their teachings, their love, care and concern. If i were to count every single gift they gave us, i would have lost count a long time ago. So when they try to perfect our lives since young, can we blame them if they start worrying or getting over protective when they notice that we are not walking that perfect road they plan for us? Their love for us is so strong that it overcomes everything else. Like forgetting they are getting nagggy, or forgetting the real objective of their love. They might try to force us on some issues because they know they have the authority to.

But everything they do, is because they love us so much. They were the ones who gave us the first two greatest things in our lives, of course they want to keep things perfect.

One more great gift that our parents could give us are siblings. Which i never geto to enjoy this gift myself. I feel it's a regret in my life. though it's a regret that i got no control over. but it's definitely a regret i myself have no wish to repeat. so i would definitely have more than one kid in the future.

i keep having lotsa thoughts running in my head, waiting for a chance to write them down and share with people. this parents thing is just one of it.

there are two things i wanan do before 2008 ends:

1. Go the the beach
2. Go Singapore coin museum

i learnt something important today. how to keep my cool and reason with myself. either that, or i try reasoning myself verbally if i really have to scream and shout it off. because somethings, really make u so mad that 4 letter words just keep coming out!!!! grr, here i go again.

some movies never fail to make me cry. touched my heart. i shall not mention wad movies cos if i do... people might just huh? u will cry over such movie. hello.. i m someone who can cry over commercials, i'm that emotional.

looking forward to next weekend already. why are weekends always so short??!!!! apparently, i feel i m the only one who thinks so.

feeling v distorted now, my thoughts. shall straighten up tmr after a good sleep.

these items are on my top 3 list of favourite snacks at the moment:

1. Lao Po bing (original)
2. Teddy chocolate biscuits
3. Apple

hmmmm hmmmm, i have a whole list of things to do and i'm sure this list is long. well, i've got the important, requires time and most importantly, the no brainers things done. and i'm proud of myself. just that, when am i going to do some work that required my brain which i am sure is rusty by now.

there are hw to be done, studies left untouched and i really wan to pick it up sooon. but.... i need more than talk. i need some action. which i clearly am lacking right now. the's the month of nov... cos it's the month before dec. and dec is seen to me as holiday mood.

ok. i know that's an excuse... but darn it. can somewhere put some zest into me!!!!

after all this time, you're the only one who can make me feel pretty. yet u are also capable of taking all my breath away at one go.

handphones are such a troublesome thing. at times, u rather just chuck it away but mostly, you can't live with it. what i hate about it is when i text someone, the agony of waiting for the reply is so excruciating that i simply either turn it off or just turn off sound and vibration. this is a trouble i notice that i have ever since 4 years ago.

and since waiting time seemed to drag.. i seriously just wanna chuck it away. so i noe no one could contact me even if they try. rather than knowing clearly no one try to contact me @ all. i just can't stand the pain of the latter.

time to put down my pride and be a happy girl.

sometimes, if we were a little more patient, maybe we could have got what we wanted?

this is what i always tell myself when i found out i could have gotten something better than what i went after when i thought i could no longer have the former. and then, i would regret and started thinking, if only i had waited.

a nice sunday spent thus far. church in the morning, brunch at the hawker centre, 3 muffins, den home. marinated the chicken i wanna cook tonight. for myself. but no, i don't feel lonely, maybe this is how someone feel when they can truly understand contentment. but no, i won't lie by saying i'm at that stage already but right now, i am contented.

i know people out there are concerned about me in one way or another and i felt the love and concern during the course of the week that passed. thanks everyone, i'm putting the pieces back tgt slowly, making sense as it goes. but i think it's going to be fine.

right now, i just need to pack my room!!!!

it's been more than a week i think. i lost track of the time. i don't want to think nor do i want to worry about what lies ahead. it has nothing to do with making myself happy at this point in time of my life. here i am, struggling, to find my happiness, i don't want to be pulled down, away our out anymore. i wan to work towards it.

bottom line, i don't care anymore.

Giving up something after a long while of thinking you already have it or own it is not an easy task. not easy is not even indepth enough to descrbe how tough it is but nonetheless, i chose to do it. as we all know, people who assume always makes an ass out of themselves and how many times in my life have i done that. i thought i was over that phase, but no, i'm still me. i've not changed.

yesterday, i played a game of fate and lost. so wad, i should listen to what fate tells me? or twist the meaning of fate ot suit my liking. i end up deciding that i shouldn't even leave this to the hands of fate in the first place. it's stupid.

someone said once in church. When we pray for something that we want, God don't just give it to us, instead, he'll give us a opportunity to gain it ourselves. God really answers my prayers. whenever i pray for something, he'll always give me a situation to learn and obtain the thing i want. it's amazing cos he always catches me off guard, like when i pray for a chance to be nicer to my mum, the opportunity he gives me happened a few days later that i wasn't prepared for and i always end up not getting the thing i want. but God never stop giving me chances. i'll always afraid of taking things for granted and yet, even when i know it, i still take it for granted, be it subconsiously or wad. will i be forsaken one day? will i not be given any more chances are my constant fears.

i've always lived in a world without lies and deceit from others so why do i always have trust issue. i guess i've always lived in a world where i lie to myself. a world where i created and put in the people i want, and even create the ending. i mean, since when ending can be anticipated. no one can be 100% sure of anything. not even in medical science. there are always miracles. in a world i created myself, things around me are there for a purpose. and don't know since when, i start to feel people are there for a purpose too. but in reality, people come and go, endings cannot be anticipated and people around me are not there for the sole purpose to accompany me and keep me happy. true, friends and family are accompanying us through our road of journey but they too have their own journey to walk. who am i to make them come into my world to fulfill their duties to me only and forsaking their world.

i need to learn to deal with my negative thoughts, like sadness, jealousy and so on. i lie to myself i'm happy that's why i never know how to find real happiness. i need to tell myself i'm not happy and den fully embrace that emotion and finally learning how to overcome it.

so here i m giving up the things i dun even own in the first place. cos the interesting part about life is that u will never know what u will get. though i experienced bitter and sad times, but i've had my fair share of happiness as well. i cannot create a world always full of happiness because by doing so, i've caused others to be upset. and this doesn't make me any happier than before. so when i leave life outside of my hands, it becomes a 50/50 thing. i could gain the most and be truly happy or i could lose people i value but this is my life. and i need to know how to make the right choices. i cannot be manipulative with people so that i get the ending i want. what about ending other people want.

this is really difficult for me cos i never really leave such things outside my control. but i m going to do it, praying for the best to happen.

seriously, if one day i end up vanishing, i won't even be surprised i walked to that stage of my life. as if being bitter and all is not enough, i feel like i have so much pent up emotions in me. emotions that i cannot put a name to and each and every day is slowly draining me of energy and strength.

tt's why i always end my night praying for it..