Giving up something after a long while of thinking you already have it or own it is not an easy task. not easy is not even indepth enough to descrbe how tough it is but nonetheless, i chose to do it. as we all know, people who assume always makes an ass out of themselves and how many times in my life have i done that. i thought i was over that phase, but no, i'm still me. i've not changed.

yesterday, i played a game of fate and lost. so wad, i should listen to what fate tells me? or twist the meaning of fate ot suit my liking. i end up deciding that i shouldn't even leave this to the hands of fate in the first place. it's stupid.

someone said once in church. When we pray for something that we want, God don't just give it to us, instead, he'll give us a opportunity to gain it ourselves. God really answers my prayers. whenever i pray for something, he'll always give me a situation to learn and obtain the thing i want. it's amazing cos he always catches me off guard, like when i pray for a chance to be nicer to my mum, the opportunity he gives me happened a few days later that i wasn't prepared for and i always end up not getting the thing i want. but God never stop giving me chances. i'll always afraid of taking things for granted and yet, even when i know it, i still take it for granted, be it subconsiously or wad. will i be forsaken one day? will i not be given any more chances are my constant fears.

i've always lived in a world without lies and deceit from others so why do i always have trust issue. i guess i've always lived in a world where i lie to myself. a world where i created and put in the people i want, and even create the ending. i mean, since when ending can be anticipated. no one can be 100% sure of anything. not even in medical science. there are always miracles. in a world i created myself, things around me are there for a purpose. and don't know since when, i start to feel people are there for a purpose too. but in reality, people come and go, endings cannot be anticipated and people around me are not there for the sole purpose to accompany me and keep me happy. true, friends and family are accompanying us through our road of journey but they too have their own journey to walk. who am i to make them come into my world to fulfill their duties to me only and forsaking their world.

i need to learn to deal with my negative thoughts, like sadness, jealousy and so on. i lie to myself i'm happy that's why i never know how to find real happiness. i need to tell myself i'm not happy and den fully embrace that emotion and finally learning how to overcome it.

so here i m giving up the things i dun even own in the first place. cos the interesting part about life is that u will never know what u will get. though i experienced bitter and sad times, but i've had my fair share of happiness as well. i cannot create a world always full of happiness because by doing so, i've caused others to be upset. and this doesn't make me any happier than before. so when i leave life outside of my hands, it becomes a 50/50 thing. i could gain the most and be truly happy or i could lose people i value but this is my life. and i need to know how to make the right choices. i cannot be manipulative with people so that i get the ending i want. what about ending other people want.

this is really difficult for me cos i never really leave such things outside my control. but i m going to do it, praying for the best to happen.