there are two things i wanan do before 2008 ends:

1. Go the the beach
2. Go Singapore coin museum

i learnt something important today. how to keep my cool and reason with myself. either that, or i try reasoning myself verbally if i really have to scream and shout it off. because somethings, really make u so mad that 4 letter words just keep coming out!!!! grr, here i go again.

some movies never fail to make me cry. touched my heart. i shall not mention wad movies cos if i do... people might just huh? u will cry over such movie. hello.. i m someone who can cry over commercials, i'm that emotional.

looking forward to next weekend already. why are weekends always so short??!!!! apparently, i feel i m the only one who thinks so.

feeling v distorted now, my thoughts. shall straighten up tmr after a good sleep.

these items are on my top 3 list of favourite snacks at the moment:

1. Lao Po bing (original)
2. Teddy chocolate biscuits
3. Apple

hmmmm hmmmm, i have a whole list of things to do and i'm sure this list is long. well, i've got the important, requires time and most importantly, the no brainers things done. and i'm proud of myself. just that, when am i going to do some work that required my brain which i am sure is rusty by now.

there are hw to be done, studies left untouched and i really wan to pick it up sooon. but.... i need more than talk. i need some action. which i clearly am lacking right now. the's the month of nov... cos it's the month before dec. and dec is seen to me as holiday mood.

ok. i know that's an excuse... but darn it. can somewhere put some zest into me!!!!

after all this time, you're the only one who can make me feel pretty. yet u are also capable of taking all my breath away at one go.

handphones are such a troublesome thing. at times, u rather just chuck it away but mostly, you can't live with it. what i hate about it is when i text someone, the agony of waiting for the reply is so excruciating that i simply either turn it off or just turn off sound and vibration. this is a trouble i notice that i have ever since 4 years ago.

and since waiting time seemed to drag.. i seriously just wanna chuck it away. so i noe no one could contact me even if they try. rather than knowing clearly no one try to contact me @ all. i just can't stand the pain of the latter.

time to put down my pride and be a happy girl.

sometimes, if we were a little more patient, maybe we could have got what we wanted?

this is what i always tell myself when i found out i could have gotten something better than what i went after when i thought i could no longer have the former. and then, i would regret and started thinking, if only i had waited.

a nice sunday spent thus far. church in the morning, brunch at the hawker centre, 3 muffins, den home. marinated the chicken i wanna cook tonight. for myself. but no, i don't feel lonely, maybe this is how someone feel when they can truly understand contentment. but no, i won't lie by saying i'm at that stage already but right now, i am contented.

i know people out there are concerned about me in one way or another and i felt the love and concern during the course of the week that passed. thanks everyone, i'm putting the pieces back tgt slowly, making sense as it goes. but i think it's going to be fine.

right now, i just need to pack my room!!!!

it's been more than a week i think. i lost track of the time. i don't want to think nor do i want to worry about what lies ahead. it has nothing to do with making myself happy at this point in time of my life. here i am, struggling, to find my happiness, i don't want to be pulled down, away our out anymore. i wan to work towards it.

bottom line, i don't care anymore.

Giving up something after a long while of thinking you already have it or own it is not an easy task. not easy is not even indepth enough to descrbe how tough it is but nonetheless, i chose to do it. as we all know, people who assume always makes an ass out of themselves and how many times in my life have i done that. i thought i was over that phase, but no, i'm still me. i've not changed.

yesterday, i played a game of fate and lost. so wad, i should listen to what fate tells me? or twist the meaning of fate ot suit my liking. i end up deciding that i shouldn't even leave this to the hands of fate in the first place. it's stupid.

someone said once in church. When we pray for something that we want, God don't just give it to us, instead, he'll give us a opportunity to gain it ourselves. God really answers my prayers. whenever i pray for something, he'll always give me a situation to learn and obtain the thing i want. it's amazing cos he always catches me off guard, like when i pray for a chance to be nicer to my mum, the opportunity he gives me happened a few days later that i wasn't prepared for and i always end up not getting the thing i want. but God never stop giving me chances. i'll always afraid of taking things for granted and yet, even when i know it, i still take it for granted, be it subconsiously or wad. will i be forsaken one day? will i not be given any more chances are my constant fears.

i've always lived in a world without lies and deceit from others so why do i always have trust issue. i guess i've always lived in a world where i lie to myself. a world where i created and put in the people i want, and even create the ending. i mean, since when ending can be anticipated. no one can be 100% sure of anything. not even in medical science. there are always miracles. in a world i created myself, things around me are there for a purpose. and don't know since when, i start to feel people are there for a purpose too. but in reality, people come and go, endings cannot be anticipated and people around me are not there for the sole purpose to accompany me and keep me happy. true, friends and family are accompanying us through our road of journey but they too have their own journey to walk. who am i to make them come into my world to fulfill their duties to me only and forsaking their world.

i need to learn to deal with my negative thoughts, like sadness, jealousy and so on. i lie to myself i'm happy that's why i never know how to find real happiness. i need to tell myself i'm not happy and den fully embrace that emotion and finally learning how to overcome it.

so here i m giving up the things i dun even own in the first place. cos the interesting part about life is that u will never know what u will get. though i experienced bitter and sad times, but i've had my fair share of happiness as well. i cannot create a world always full of happiness because by doing so, i've caused others to be upset. and this doesn't make me any happier than before. so when i leave life outside of my hands, it becomes a 50/50 thing. i could gain the most and be truly happy or i could lose people i value but this is my life. and i need to know how to make the right choices. i cannot be manipulative with people so that i get the ending i want. what about ending other people want.

this is really difficult for me cos i never really leave such things outside my control. but i m going to do it, praying for the best to happen.

seriously, if one day i end up vanishing, i won't even be surprised i walked to that stage of my life. as if being bitter and all is not enough, i feel like i have so much pent up emotions in me. emotions that i cannot put a name to and each and every day is slowly draining me of energy and strength.

tt's why i always end my night praying for it..

here i am going to sleep, bitter and all, again. i loathe my life. and u never ever fail to make it worse. maybe i would get retribution, but right now, can i get some love and concern for genuine? and not some love and concern that u claim to be good for me. i don't need that.

maybe i should change, i'm so sick of this thing we have every single night.

the mini "holiday" i had with the boy is over. expectedly, i start to miss those days already. the memories are still fresh in my mind, studying hard together, bringing him around to eat stuff that i always wanted to try, cooking for him, gosh, it was blissful.

mummy said u can't decide u want to marry a guy just by going out with him a few times, watching movie. sounds very cliche, i mean, does she think relationships nowadays are still like that? after coming close to 3 years, and we just go out and watch movie? it's such a shallow thought. now it makes me think, are relationships like that in the past? during their dating phase, it's just dinner and movies, is that it? den how come the people in past get married after maybe less than a year? weird... and i dun really wanna crack my brain on it.

exam's this sunday, beloved big walk also this sunday. so sad i had to miss it this year and i promised myself i must must must join it next year! and i'm pulling my boy along.

anyway, i'm feeling really lousy, despite the good days i had. and it has nothing to do with it. i'm still having the good feeling lingering around. it's just that.... i feel so sad about the way i am. i dun even wanna go into the details. and it saddens me that nothing i do can actually realyl help. i tried, i really did.

luckily for me, i have a boyfriend, that never fails to make me happy, and be there and make me feel i'm always that special girl i am to him. he loves me in his own way... the way tt u need to look longer then u can see. haha.. but i still love him

(but i m still a teeny weeny bit shallow, i really want to feel goood abt myself)

came back late last night so didn't bother to blog. last night ended well with my beloved chocolate tart above. loves... i'm too lazy to upload more pictures. another time maybe... i'm too lazy.

i finally finished my 13 chapters for the first round, hoping to start the second round sometime soon. my mini term break is coming to an end soon, how time flies... like seriously! =/

looking forward to the eating competition tmr!

such a late entry. but tt's only cause i mugged till down to the last chapter! =) yes, perserverance do do do pay off after all. i'm happy and seeing the boy hard at work makes me happy too.. jia you! so i'll stay up with him till wadever time he finishes.

macroni for dinner and dublin mudslide of dessert. YUMMY YUMMY.

today, my day was made by dear amelia, she was telling me...

quixotical.:
eh ehh!

quixotical.:
ur bf makes a gd husband

quixotical.:
u dont need to worry abt him strayingg

me:
?

me:
how come

quixotical.:
ISTJ's word is as good as gold, and they honor their commitments faithfully. They believe that to do otherwise would be nothing less than a breach of honor and trustworthiness. Consequently, they take their vows very seriously, and once they have said "I do", that means they are bound to the relationship until "death do us apart

me:
lol!

quixotical.:
Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end.

oh well, it's up to me whether i believe or not... but i m happy! =)

can't wait for tmr.. i wanna take lotsa pictures with my sucky camera!

I'm a ESFJ

The Caregiver

As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view.

The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.

The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.

ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care.

ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.

With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.

The ESFJ's value system is defined externally. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. However, they weigh their values and morals against the world around them, rather than against an internal value system. They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in, rather than by any strongly felt internal values.

ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.

All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.

ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system. This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.

An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any.
ESFJs incorporate many of the traits that are associated with women in our society. However, male ESFJs will usually not appear feminine at all. On the contrary, ESFJs are typically quite conscious about gender roles and will be most comfortable playing a role that suits their gender in our society. Male ESFJs will be quite masculine (albeit sensitive when you get to know them), and female ESFJs will be very feminine.

ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
Jungian functional preference ordering:

victor's kitchen for breakfast. they had a new product --- an chun dan shao mai. hahaha.. baby and amelia both had problem understanding wad's that!!! oh my... is everyone's chinese standard deproving or something... den went coffee bean to study. pretty productive i guess, just that always need to drop by smu for toilet. cos i dunno where else to go for the nearest toilet. haha.. yes, i'm the dumb one, k

den met up with amelia for dinner. ahaha.. i think people who read my blog must be thinking why am i like meeting her so often.. but it's not true.. not often enough i guess. to keep her away from the plant under the sea. haha.... anyway, good dinner, good dessert.

dunno issit the caffine or the cocoa that got the boy so high. he keeps maaking me laugh all the way back, acting so retarded-ly but now he's so serious into his SCV channel 35--- cartoon network.

can't wait for fri.. mugg mugg den end the week with good food! oh yea!! =)

is my blog getting boring these days? am i blogging like a primary school kid?

carrotcake, max payne, starbucks, home.

mugging mugging and more mugging. i already know i will miss this week with the baby.

another beautiful day spent and what makes it better is that it is fruitful! i actually finished 3 chapters and now left with 5. =) i'm a happy girl.

woke up at 830 to mug den went over to his place to continue mugging. i love studying hard for the day and rewarding urself with foood at night. the food need not be good food but something that i like to eat is good enough. and amelia, i'm in love with pastamania's spicy chicken.. and i think it started from uuuuu..

can't wait to ve the hanabi competition! i feel that maybe i can win.

3 reasons why the baby can be Grumpy, one of the 7 dwarfs.

1. He has eye bags
2. He has back pains (dunno why)
3. Constantly feel that he does not have enough sleep.

my energiser battery is not online tonight. and she came! is this telepathy?

don't know if anyone noticed, but i'm trying to blog every single day of this beautiful mugging holiday to come.

went to church this morning. begin to see familiar faces. i recognise people by the face more... is this called photographic memory or something? den breakfast @ the hawker centre. den back home to mug. wish i was more hardworking... for one whole day, i only finished a chapter.. and i have 8 more to go. i intend to finish these chapters before the weeke end, so that i can at least do some of my school work as well.

simple dinner, lovely company. though u get grumpy, touchy and irritated with me regularly, i still love u no less. ahahhaa..... i realised when u sleep, u get so deep into sleep. i seriously can just kill you. thinking of that, no matter how grumpy, hot tempered u are with me, i still think it;'s funny.

both of us are sick one way or another. haha!!

and amelia, looking forward to friday! sorry that this week meet so little cos of holiday. remember 8th nov!! and also ur study week. slot me in, k!

i'm thinking i really enjoy stayin in the whole day, whether unproductive or not. of course productive day spent at home will be better la but i really like staying in with the boy like that. like even though we both use our own computer, doing our own things, i still feel good knowing he's somewhere around staying in with me. but issit not so good?

like issit couples must ve more sparks, spend more time communicating and all and like nothing to do nothing to do sooner or later, the boy will get bored and tired? cos i like it... i'm sure he don't mind it now.. but issit going to be the case forever? today as we were cleaning up the stuff after dinner, i feel like an old married couple. i like the feeling but yet issit too sonn to ve such feelings. i mean, our r/s is only coming 3 yrs, not coming 30 yrs. will it wither and die soon?

i'm happy..... i m. just worried. wad if u get sick of me.... i'm starting to see my future with you. dun wanna lose it.

just before the day comes to an end, i just wanna blog this down as a memory. it's our 1000th day today. it takes 2 yrs plus coming 3 yrs to reach 1000 days, it's going to take 27 yrs to reach 10,000 days mans. but whatever it is, if i didn't count and record it down, where do i get the chance to eat good foood? ahaha... no, it's not entirely an excuse, i like events that has a cause for celebration. i look forward to them, makes the whole week feel better too!

whatever it is, it makes the day even better when i get to dine with the boy in peace and happy faces. i was quite scared he might be grouchy and all due to army. but all turns out well. even when the bill choke up to more than 100 plus, it's still well spent i feel.

anyway, the day started early for me.. den met amelia for lunch @ crystal jade den mugging time. feels good to be able to see my friend on a regular basis. =) den went for law class that never fails to proof time well spent, be it jotting down notes or laughing away. den dinner @ absolute haven. i like the food there, especially the tiramisu! yummmmy! but good foood still need good company. tt's more important.

den home sweet home with the promise of jogging and more mugging tmr. maybe home cooked foood too. =)

now how many smiley faces are there already. haha.. it's going to be one long term break plus holiday for me and the boy. more time spent!

and angel dearie.... i'm free on the 8th of november. issit too far? when can everyone meet? everyone seemed busy. exams coming ar?

despite all my grumbles and insecurities here and there, there are still times u nv fail to make me smile and times when i prove to myself love do exist.