sometimes i get really angry. i mean some people really like to make empty promises. it's as if i am just a piece of dirt to them. like me... piece of dirt. those people only know how to hold their dignity high up, and trample on mine as if it were just a speck of dirt. i can only give my rolled eyes and pathetic views to being h*m*ly. gosh... i am really very pissed off when i m not valued, esp when i value u so much i wanna keep this friend. grrrrrrrrrrr!! arggghhghghhgg.... i m really angry.

was watching this show and thinking alot abt modern era, abt r/s between ad womand and a man, also about friendship, kinship, etc. got me thinking quite abit. maybe i will share them again when i m in the mood to type. meanwhile, i need to cool off abit cos i m still really angry!

i was told, taught and reminded constantly that i have to be thankful for things around me. somehow, this is really a challenge to me. cos i really don't know how to. maybe the only thing that i wanna be thankful for today is tt im glad that spring chicken i bought tasted nice. and i'm glad chin's here to share with me.

i know it sounds so ..... but yet.. i cannot find anything to be thankful for tosay or tmr.. or the day after next. there's this huge load inside me that i dunno how to drop. and it's pressurising me to the limit mans.

i rather be studying for exams, doing whatsoever.. so as long as i noe i will be ok. i just wanna try not to think so much, be simple and happy. why issit more complicated now.

Firehouse - Love don't care

Little girl, face all black and blue
But she knows better
That's not the way a man should treat you
But that's ok, she'll change her life tonight
She's leaving him
For a woman who will treat her right

And everybody needs somebody
She could be with anybody
Doesn't matter if it's not another man

Chorus:
Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
If you ain't hurting anybody
And if you feel it deep inside
Then love don't care who you love
Don't care who you love

Little girl, she's no sister, she is white
But she loves a brother
Takin' him home to meet her folks tonight
Mom and dad don't understand
We're all the same inside
They just don't realize
That love is always colorblind

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
It's not the color that makes the man

Because love don't care who you love
I said love don't care who you love
Don't let anybody tell you
That it's wrong if it feels right
'Cuz love don't care who you love
Love don't care

And everybody needs somebody
You can be with anybody
So love someone who makes you happy

anyone wanna do xmas exchange with me??? i'm so in the mood.. first on my list is of course my longest friend.. amelia!! ahaha

recharged after the weekend. looking forward to the dec holidays

two places i really want to go on holiday right now and they both begins with T. however, my dream holiday would be to go with my friends.. or nic. both seemed quite impossible somehow... =/

i really hope you'll be ok.

immersing myself in jay chou's new songs. some are really fantastic. like some notes, phrases, words, chords just strike some emo-ness in me.

waiting is never a good feeling. simple things like if i was waiting for a call, i wouldn't dare to go bathe or do anything else but wait for that call. if it's fruitful, then never mind, but if the call i was waiting for never came, won't i be wasting my time. friends are now all studying for exams, stressing, rushing to meet project deadlines yet i'm still struggling here, looking for meaning in my life. i was just telling amelia moments ago that casting lots of obligatory stuff that i have to do, i'm pretty much leading a life of a solitude. i'm still very much the same little girl i was years ago, just that i kind of managed to cover it up over the years. but when i peel off everything that's on the surface, i'm still that me. no where here or there.

i'm asking for directions.

at times, at certain points of my life, i feel quite lost. and right now it's one of them. i feel like everyday is going pass like a haze, blur and i cannot see what's in front of me. i lost something in my life, something that pushes me and tell me how to get out of this haze. i don't know what am i doing every day. and precisely because of this feeling, i've been doing some reflection.

i guess what bb said is right. i m self centred and when i'm like that, i get pretty outrageous. i forgot all my basics. and i can get pretty mean. i always ask baby to be more this more that, when i m not doing so myself. it's like whenever i get so close/intimate with someone, i tend to put down all the formalities and go beyond that. beyond tt line.. going overboard. is this just me? i think i really need to put in some thoughts and make some changes. i'm pretty lost about my life.. and i'm pretty lost about what i value in life. and being in the haze, i lost quite a few stuff and people.

i need some guidance. something to guide me out of this.. and to start somewhere afresh. no matter what others do, i should be able to look back at what i did and say i tried my very best.

i really really want to go jay chou's concert!

a nice public holiday spent. caught "The Game Plan" with the baby. very nice show. makes me feel like being daddy's little girl again. was asking baby if it induced some paternal instincts in him. haha.. what was i thinking? this baby of mine is such a woodblock. i would be surprised if it even induced any emotion in him. but i know both of us enjoyed the movie very much. was freaking tired after the show, wanted to cab home and it was so diff to hail a cab. what a shame.. both of us can drive.. yet we had to spend quite some time waiting for the cab. okok.. this was EVE of public holiday.

woke up this morning, went to get breakfast together.. then came home to slack. i like to spend a day no rush, no book ins..... but no choice, he had to book in tonight. now.. it's sat that i m looking forward to.

leona's a happy girl. a good break starting since sat. after my disasterous theory exam on sat, i decided not to give any hoot about it anymore. so lunch with chin at j8. haha... j8 always brings back memories... all the ij times and all. and j8 changed alot too. nothing much, went home after that to wait for my hon.

sat night was deliciously good. ahahha.. not the food part, it's the company and all the talks. all the old war stories by two old men. haha... entertaining i would say. but if hun was the one who told stories, it might be just half as entertaining only. haha.... oops. hope he doesn't read this. anyway.. am glad amelia is there with me. everything seemed so nice. 2 guys and a girl.. is simply not as nice as two guys two girls.. not a date.. but i love the feeling. my so called double date.... in inverted commas.

feels good to see him lying beside me everytime i wake up on sunday morning. i usually sleep before him because he wants to use the com to play games, check this and that. and i'm tired so i sleep first. but in the morning, i opened my eyes to his back. yes... we are not the typical couple who hugs to sleep. we end up each facing diff side. backside to backside. ahahhaa... sad yea? can u imagine? now single bed already like that, if ever next time we get bigger bed, the gap between us will just become bigger and bigger and bigger... infinity mans! ahaa.. putting that aside, it feels good to wake up together, and go church. life's greatest bliss. =)

den he book in but this week will not be so long. there's deepavali. first time in my life public holidays became so important.. and i cherished every one available esp in this past two months. so leona is a blissful and happy girl. for now. who knows what's going to happen in the future? bu at least i m grateful i am happy for now.

oh.. and i got my license!!! yippppeee!!! should have gone to join subaru contest!! for my car. i miss my baby.. =)

was listening to this radio broadcast programme on my way home. someone wrote in and said the person she liked is together with someone else. then she went on to say how sometimes love can be so sweet yet at other times it could be bitter and painful. and sometimes it hurt so much that u can't even cry. the tears just wouldn't flow.

it's just like having a crush. things were so simple then. u just yearn to see him. and just the sight of him daily, even once a day is enough to make ur day and sweeten it up. and if this crush is someone u know, there's even more chances to get sweeten up. like toking to him, or him showing random concern. and him just smiling at u, saying hi. all those feelings just slowly build up and the sweetness could already attract all the ants around u. then when u lay on the bed at night, thinking of the small exchanges u and him had for the day, even the sweetest dream cannot be compared already. then maybe u start braving up to want to tell him how u feel. however, this is only the sweet part.

what happen when u see him starting to hang out closely with other girls? what happens when u dun see him for more than a week? what happens if he stopeed showing u random concern, no more eye contacts, maybe even avoiding u? tt's when it gets bitter.. but what's painful is when you find that he got together with someone else. the one in ur dreams has someone else in his arms. now tt's painful, maybe even more painful than finding out he doesn't like u? then again it's objective. issit more painful to find out he's with someone else or more painful that he simply reject u?

i always feel very sad to find out people break up. unrequited love. or even 2 persons who deeply loves each other yet choose not to be together. being around with my silly baby has made my head plain simple. he taught me that something as complicated as love, is simply one plus one giving u two. sometimes his biggest merit is being simple... simplicity is the beauty isn't it? haha... i've decided to be silly with him too. nobody knows what will happen in the future.. if one day, something were to happen, and that i were to be saddened.. let it be. i can only grow from there. so since it's still the honey lovey-dovey sweet and happy phase, let it be too. but i'm really scared the day will come when i have to be hurt and be in pain.. okok, the last part was unnecessary.

anyway, am really really glad i passed my driving!! happy, elated, excited... can't wait for baby to come back from field camp to share this piece of news with him. 4 months of money, hard work has certainly paid off! 4 long months!!! but finally!!!

say helllo and congrats to the new qualified driver!

i've just been struck by lightning. took me a while to recompose myself. gosh... is that a sign already?

time to toughen up. no time to waste.

I'm in a mood to:

1. watch cheesy flicks like love comedys to cry my eyes out.
2. give lots of hugs and receive hugs
3. buy flowers to brighten up my house, like my all time fav, sunflowers
4. do nothing, esp not going to school
5. hug all my stuffed toys and smile like an idiot
6. do nothing except recollecting the past
7. lay on the sofa, get my ass bigger and do nothing but wait for the next day to come

okok... when am i behaving like an idiot!?? ahaha.... i'm in love!

down with the flu. baby say it's due to heatiness, every sign is present except fever. i'm like drinking more herbal tea than normal, trying to avoid heaty food (yes, the word is trying), yet, ulcer still there, caught the flu and now worst, got cramps. this is so sucky. esp the ulcer part. here's a part of the convo i had with baby just now.

me: dear, i think i need to take mc. cannot go school.
him: you don't need to take mc. ur school dun wan to go then dun go lo.

i'm just finding all sorts of excuses just not to go school, and feeling alright abt it. luckily for me, hari raya saved me for feeling guilty once. how many hari rayas are there? school can be a drag, don't ask me why. i hope these 2 yrs will pass faster, for me and for baby.

this is the start of yet another cycle. right after baby book in, there's this renewed rust i have in him. then as the week passes, i start to miss him till slowly, when the missinh gets so bad, the trust start to wear off.. den i start to feel insecure about this whole thing.. then when the day dear books out, i would find a dread to do anything but just wait for his return. den when i finally get to see him, life just got by in a blur. everything happen so fast till the end of the cycle and the start of the another cycle. so yes, now i'm at the beginning of the cycle. the cycle is regardless of time, cos sometimes there's one week confinement.. den i actually just miss him alot. but the past 3 weeks was crazy. thus, i came up with this cycle theory.

nonethess, i found this new trust faith in him. i dunno how. went to church today and Father was toking about being grateful. i had my bumps, my rough period of times but things all turned out well, the way they should be. the way i know i wun have regrets. so i should be thankful.

i should be thankful that classes are starting well now, no more hiccups. i should be thankful that i finally got my tb and thus, i should start studying now. i should be thankful that i ve my frens around now and then to chat, to meet up... actually, thinking i should be thankful in particular to chin and amelia. =) i should be thankfukl that baby is fine and safe in army. i should be thankful that God sent him to me and walk with me a life worth living for. i should be thankful how much he loves me and it's only fair that i give him back the amt of love and trust. n the list goes on....

so hope i'll recover soon, never like the feeling of sneezing my nose off.

good nights.

i m so happy!! baby is fine!! i m fine.... and I've got a lonnnnggg weekend.. and baby might come out tmr.. or sat!! but i m happy!! yipppee to hari raya!! no class on sat!!!

all relieved for nothing. and because baby cannot read reports still talk like he can read. i had my doubts but i trusted that he could tell whether ok or not. silly baby!! =/

after a spending a night worrying, i'm finally relieved. sunshine over rain! my baby is fine. =)

my health is deteriorating and so is my level of fitness. i'm growing fatter. while nic is growing healthier and fitter, his gf is growing fatter, and more unhealthy! fatness is a thorn in any women's flesh. I WANT TO SLIM DOWN!

today in the hawker centre, while eating alone, i thought of many things. just some random thoughts. like we noe birds wake up very early in the morning. but actually what time do they sleep?? what's the last timing we usually see the last birds around? like i said, they are random thoughts. i'm going to try keep my mood high up until sat! and wait for him to book out!

4 more days to go!! still no dateS!

i should blog once in a while when my mood's good. then at least people who reads my blog won't keep thinking leona is such a sad girl. too sad and never getting over it makes one pathetic. i dun wanna end up that way.

so yes, i'm happy. happy why? cos i finally got the cd i want and listening to it right now. happy cos my baby is surviving in army and i just visited him yesterdat. happy cos i've done all my tutorials except one. one tt i've been procrastinating ever since.. and still procrastinating. but shall not let tt affect my happy mood. happy cos i dun feel broke. happy cos this week has not began. monday is not the start of the week for me. tues den is. and sat is my end of the week by the way. happy cos mummy just went ntuc and bought so much things to stuff the fridge, like finally. no more empty fridge. happy cos i just ate mango cake! yummy. happy cos today's rain cleared the humidness in my house. and the list goes on. i'm too lazy to type,.

basically, i cannot wait for my baby to come back. sat.. tt's like 5 more days! counting down...

and why is no one asking me out to chill when it's such a stressful period... =(

Dear God, please grant me the strength.