you're are right.

i know the world doesn't revolve around me. it's not that my world revolves only around you. it's just that i placed you priority over others. maybe that's not true either. i try to give you everything i can, yet on the other hand, i try to give others everything that i can too. maybe you're envious, that i can have best of both worlds? so u try to find your best of both worlds. then again. you're not that complex. whatever you do, the motive is very clear. you just cannot read ur inner self conscious the way i can read it. on the other hand, i'm very happy there's transparency.

to many other people, they keep seeing things in the short term.. but i see it in the long term. i don't expect you to understand my inner fears of rejection, my inner fears of changes. but i'm already 21. and i promised you and myself that i wanna change for the better. but who defines better or not? every individual has a different definition of what's better or not. is yours right or mine? but i feel when opinions are formed, especially for you, they don't change anymore despite my efforts. so i tell myself, for me, i just want to be happy for u when u found something in your life other than me. imagine if i can be jealous over non-living things or living things for that matter, what will i do with the kids in the future.

i must try to change. i don't know in which direction is this changing to. cos i just know i want myself to feel better. i don't wanna get upset over mundane stuff like that. if you were what you sae you were going to do, there would be more of these mundane stuff coming at me and if i don't learn to deal with it now, how am i going to deal with it in the future.

but deep down inside, why am i still resisting to changes? maybe others might not get it, but when there's something slowly shifting right in my eyes, i feel awful. awful enough to bury myself under covers for days.