the insecurity is scaring me. i dun have people to turn to. and this is the first time i really felt this way..... gosh.. i lost all the drive left in me already. never knew it was this hard. =/

i feel cheated..... =/ i really didn't feel it was wishful thinking on my part but wad could have gone so wrong? just start from scratch again. no problem at all

after quite a number of interviews... i'm back to square 1. or maybe not.... cannot really decide if i should take up a job that i never ever thought of doing but yet, i do see the benefits in it. or should i just do something mundane.... =/ here i am. stuck in my own thoughts and cannot really decide.

i keep doing crazzzy things these days... and i need money.... i'm running low on it. HELP!

do you know japanese cucumber is much crunchier than our normal cucumber. i think i can even get hooked to eating it. just peel off the skin, then take to chew. much healthier snack too.

yes.. i know it's been some time since my last entry. i know i'm being missed. but with two friends in shanghai, not being able to access blogger from there.. maybe no one comes here anymore.. except my angellic friend... who knows who she is.

i've been chilling, relaxing, meetin up with my beloved friends, hanging out and spending so much quality time with my bf, eating, drinking, slacking.... what else have i not done.. AH! i haven't start studying for my cfp. which is pretty late considering how early i always start. job search is a tedious process.. i hate interviews. i hate rejecting people.. i hate wearing those not pretty formal wears that i have. but i have to get a job. and my goal is to do so before my birthday. gosh.. i'm gg to be 22 soon.

have been cooking alot these days... we have JAPANESE day... KOREAN day, with the kimchi and all. we have normal 2 dish one soup day. u would think it's healthy and economical to eat in like tt. HEALTHY YES.. economical NO NO NO! salmon are expensive. and dun think kimchi is cheap either. because u always have to buy in bulk... and den put inside the fridge.. not as if my house got food in the first place. i even have to buy my own eggs to make sushi!

i want a job. but i'm hoping my boy get it first. =)

it's always the same scenes that make me cry when watching a show. it's always the same type of people and the actions they do. for instance, a devoted guy who goes all out for the girl he loves, only to be rejected time and again. his love is so pure, so innocent, no hidden agenda, genuine love and yet still gets rejected. and when he has lines like, "All I want is a chance to love you." or "Are you mad at me? Did i do something wrong by wanting to be by your side?" Simply very heart melting to me. I would be like tears streaming and scolding that stupid girl in front of the tv or laptop, why don't want him!!? The other guy no goood. Come on.. wake up to your senses! And the tears just won't stop. On top of that, I noticed English or Chinese movies with such lines, not as much impact as korean and japanese. Somehow, that language conveys more pain than the same lines in English and Chinese.

Another classic type would be telling a child that his/her parent is gone and the child would be innocently saying stuff like, "Is Daddy coming back to read me to sleep?" or "I miss daddy alot. He knows it right? He is always with me right?" errr, no exaggerations here, but i can feel the tears coming. And I noticed this type the dying party must be daddy. Maybe cos i m a girl, a daddy's girl. So i feel more for daddys, mummys not so, sorry to say.

And how can i forget to mention the death of lovers, and this one no gender. I can be weeping my heart out for a guy who lost his gf/wife or a woman who lost her bf/husband. Especially those, die innocently kind. Like just a normal citizen, accidentally involved in some gunshot. Good people die just like that without any prewarning and leaving their loved ones behind. The the standard lines like "Wake up! How can you leave me behind? You promised to take care of me for the rest of my life. How can you leave me!? or "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I should have trusted you. Please, open you eyes, look at me? I'm very sorry!" and many many many many more.

if i were prettier, taller and luckier, maybe i can try being an actress. i might be an all natural when it comes to crying scenes. They always say it's all about getting into the mood and thinking of things to trigger that mood. Well, I have mine already. Piece of cake to me.

as i was packing my room after my trip to phuket, i realised once again, how much memories i share with you and it's stashed all over my room. and if i were to take a list and seriously list them down. i'm not even sure i would be able to cover all grounds.

i feel fat. gosh... maybe it's not a feeeling and that i m really fat! but nonetheless, holiday was fun. long awaited, no disappointments. everything is just great. now back in singapore, where sea, sun, sand become a luxury, it's time to sit down, do up a resume properly.. and start sending them all out. mummy made it point clear, she doesn't want to feed me anymore. =( no more tuitions... i'm currently income zero. how am i going to survive mans.

but i'll worry abt that later.... now, it's meet ups, planning stuff and going out!!!

woke up at 4:30 am and studied till now, i haven't finish, but i'm feeling drained and saturated already. what i should be doing now is to read everything once true... try to get it cram into that puny brain of mine and float into the examinations hall, get that paper done and come out a free woman at 1pm.

and after that, everything is just going to be a breeze, literally, breeze, sun, sand, food and lots more. but right now, i'm very very far away from that breeze!

i'm learning how to appreciate it more now. it's not the same anymore, when in the past, i come back after a paper, and plopped down and play games watch show all the way. now with this laggy computer of my dad's.... =( entertainment zero. not even a proper msn

i freaking need a laptop!!!

and i'm feeling so sucky abt the situation. when there's nothing i can do. i hate sensitivity. i'm boiling, filling up with grrrr.... i wanna eat CAKES, SASHIMI, FOOD FOOOD FOOOD!!!!!

Cheers to more than half the ordeal survived and i'm still mentally sane. Cheers to 3 down, 2 to go. Cheers to the end and what awaits after it.

sometimes, trust is not a very easy to thing to do. cos u get disappointed after you trust. maybe that one person doesn't care as much as you do. otherwise, why the disappointment. the promise never came... oh well.. i'm glad i know now.

on a scale of 0 (IT idiot) to 10 (IT Geek), i would say i am a 2? so how the hell am i supposed to memorise the terms and technologies, understand them, put them in my storage system up there and vomit them up in the cold and freezing expo tmr!

and tmr is a race against time.. with less than 24 hours to prepare for the next paper on wed morning as early as 10, i'm so so so screwed. bye bye sleeping beauty and hello to panda. i can't wait for fri!! and sat!!!! and ultimately the 27th!! the most AWAITED DAY... 1300 is the time. the Alleluia time!

i'm tired... grouchy and going bonkers. but i'm still reading that textbook of mine. luckily for more.. i would have macs for breakfast tmr.. on the courtesy of someone special! though not a fan of macs, but it definitely has the power of cheering me up.

i'm sure the absence will make the heart fonder. times have changed but the hearts haven't. situations are different now but the people haven't. maybe they would, but it's equally likely, maybe they wouldn't. I've learn yet another life's most valuable lesson. we fall, we cry, we pick ourselves up and learn. who say we won't fall back on the same spot yet again, but that doesn't stop us from picking ourselves up and learn. everything happens for a reason and nothing will be wasted or go in vain.

i'm in love with strawberries. maybe it's red? but i especiailly love my strawberry moisturiser!! smells yummy and nice!! good foood plus strawberry smell makes me happy. i'm that easily contented at time actually. and if u guys notice.. my preference changes all the time. it's all about how updated u are with me.. i'm always in a phase of things!! it's like the classic example.. what's my favourite colour? of course... i'm sure i'm still loved by everyone who knows me despite of who i am.

this is going to be a very very packed week. of isolation and of mugging and of deprivation. till the next time i blog then

disappointment swept me in waves. one hit after another. never relenting on me. i feel so drained and tired already. but the race is only halfway through..

没有你的每一天 (徐婕兒)

回家的路總是很遠 話少得很可憐
一個人的晚餐 都是孤單的滋味
看見身邊重复上演 屬於我們的畫面
選擇逃避的眼 怎麼還是會流淚

愛著你的每一天 你就是我的世界
那時候還以為 我就愛這一遍
没有你的每一天 快樂離我好遙遠
心已隨你走了 還能用什麼感覺

我捨不得睜開眼睛 害怕身邊没有你
也許在夢境裡 是我們最近的距離
想念你温熱的手心 冷風裡把我握緊
當冬天又來臨 這温度該怎麼延續

謝謝你曾經愛過我 給我最美的經過
但生命最愛被剝奪 未來的路該怎麼走

there are good days just like today and very bad days as recent as yesterdays. i'm lost.... is there more to aniticpate? or should i be prepared for the worst.

i don't like how stagnant it can get

and evelyn.. it's really us that are not fated to eat wings or drumlets. i ordered that day tgt with pizza.. it came almost immediately.. although there are alot of pple in the restaurant.

there are many things in this world that we cannot anticipate. what answers will he give us or what will she think if i do certain things. i find this very intimidating but that's the nature of life.

things are getting frosty. and i'm getting tired. no more anticipation, no more expectations. not everyone can afford to have expectations of others. it's hurting in ways we never know hurts.

i've been stuck in this for a very very long time. either i gave up looking for the exit or i dun wanna exit. i dunno which is it. where am i?

on a nicer thing to note.... studying has been more productive this week thus far as compared to the many weeks before. KEPP UP THE GOOD WORK, LEONA. haha.. =)

i just send my fav girl/nightly addiction/motivator/entertainer off to china. shanghai is taking away all pple from me than necessary! how am i going to survive every night for 3 months? i might just end up sleeping early? my nights are going to be sooo boring! the ten packs of milo won't last 3 months!! =( =( =(

plus, i even accidentally lost the msg. OH GOSH!! i m such a mess ALREADY!!!! =( =(

how many times have this happen? how many times have i felt like this after the argument? how many times i tried to avoid but simply couldn't stand it and retort? I'm really tired. I hate myself for being weak sometimes. I should be able to prove something. i should be able to strive harder to make my mark, to prove something.

but who am i proving it to. i dun think happiness comes after proving and all. where's the happiness den. this shouldn't happen all the time, during the crucial time of my life. why are things made difficult for me.

i must be very weak. i'm so sick of u. of me. of all these.

caviar plus vodka and then durian after a while then B&J ice cream after that. i know, what a combination right.

mummy is right. we do know how to enjoy life.

I chanced upon this photography website today and as much as I wanted to show you guys a few pictures from it, i couldn't copy and paste them.

Something the photographer mentioned in his website caught my attention somehow. That he hopes the photos inspire us to love and think about falling in love. I always think that falling in love is not a difficult thing. What's something to cherish and precious is more of finding someone you love who loves you back. And after you find that someone, it's even harder to maintain a relationship, to balance it and to live with this person for the rest of your life. So if you have found the one, cherish and treasure, give and take is ok... and even if you haven't found the one, continue searching cos love finds you.

"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in joy as well as in sorrow. I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honor and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

Wedding vows are the most touching words and most beautiful words to hear and to say. People should always take them serious and in times of troubles or doubts, we should always remember we have vowed to support our partners for life and this is a promise we made to him/her and to God.

Weddings are so beautiful.. not that i'm craving for mine. just that, i would really liek to start a career somehow along that line. hmmmm.

http://rebirthphotography.com/?load=flash