sorry for the late updates! hahahha... lots of things happened last week, like the extreme fatigue i experienced daily, therefore i dun come online that often and of course there's the weekend getaway on cruise. nice time i spent. wished i could stay longer.. like sleep longer. ahhha, play longer, EAT MORE, drink more, get high, since my bf is around but too tired to even get high and have money for casino. just maybe one two rounds to try try. wanted to upload pictures for the cruise.. but i cannot seem to receive any pictures. amelia amelia amelia.. WHERE's MY PICTURESS?

so ya, after back frm the cruise, went back to work... and there's a public holiday like today, i realised my work place is really sucky. ultimately. maybe one of the factor is that i really want to spend more time sleeping, yes.. call me lazy. also maybe i wanna spend more time with baby but then again, it's that place that has problem, seriously. ahhaha.. went up with ex collegues and both of us realised how much i changed. my opinions towards the place and all. it's seriously the place. which explains why everyone wanna leave. it's the place.

everyone count down for me mans.... for the end of work tt's due on 27th june. i want to spend more time with my baby. before he goes army.....

dunno why, really wanna go hard rock cafe.. never been there before

STORY OF MY LIFE SUCKS! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE IT! I'M ALWAYS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I DO THIS ALSO WRONG, I DO THAT ALSO WRONG. ALL YOU KNOW HOW TO DO IS SAY SAY SAY, YOU NEVER APPLY. GOSH..... YOU MUST HATE ME REAL BAD. YOU MIGHT AS WELL WISH I M DEAD. THEN NOBODY WILL GET HYPERTENSION. YOU MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL AND I MAKE URS BOIL DEN DUN TOK. I HATE MY LIFE I HATE IT SO MUCH I WANT TO END IT. NOTHING EVER SEEMS GOOD. I M JUST A SPOILED BRAT TO YOU. ONE THAT SPENDS WITHOUT THINKING. WAD DO U KNOW WAD U DO U KNOW!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING!!!!!! I ALREADY TRY!! NO ONE EVER SEE ME TRYING. NO ONE! I HATE YOU. HATE ME LA HATE ME. I DUN CARE

I HATE MY LIFE SO BADLY. I WISH I AM DEAD. DUN CARE DUN CARE. NO ONE SEE ME FOR ME. EVERYONE JUST WAN ME DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FREAK OFF. I M SO TIRED OF THIS SO CALLED SHIT CALL LIFE.

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i guess it really feels good to manipulate the hearts of men. men are pretty easy to understand generally. at the end of the day, there are type A who are greedy, ambitious and will take any chances that are advantageous to them. there are also type B who are scared, are cautious and will rather take anything less risky. of course there's type A part 1 and 2. and also type B part one and two. just different types of type. haha.. if you know what i mean. at the end of the day, it's just these two types. not difficult to manipulate yea?

of course, being the one who's manipulated does not feel good at all. but then again, when one party gains the pleasure, the other usually don't.

it's that easy.

everything in life is THAT easy, either u are lucky or u are not. either u are the manipulator or you are not. either u have wad it takes or not. everything could be controlled. by ur ability, by ur luck. everything except love.

love cannot be manipulate, love cannot be controlled. love talks about giving and taking, balancing. therefore, it's not easy at all.

i'm diagnosed infection of the intestines. have no idea what that means but i guess should mean the same as food poisioning. feeling soo miserable last night, throwing up and diarrhea. and they always happen one after another, for a moment, i really tot i should sleep near the toilet to avoid too much walking in and out, cos it's soo tiring.

slight fever, which seem to go on and off. wind in the stomach. i need to lie down 24/7 mans. cos i feel quite weak. and mummy is irritating throughout this period!

i've got another day mc tmr.... i want to take it.. but feel ps to call office. i think they will want to kill me. i thought i will be fine by tmr. apparently not.

SICK.

my poor boy too. should really watch wad we eat in the future. i got mini phoebia of eating already.

and yes sandra!! it's soo qiao to meet u there. it's more surprising for me to see u there cos i stay in the area.... u dun! ahahaha..... before i went holy trinity tt morning, i thought i would see u in church.. but who knows, we met at petrol kiosk instead. HAHA..

temporary. this is all i can do with the little time on hand. can i hire someone as professional as C _ _ R _ L to do up a blog for me? =(

i like to know things that other people don't know.
i like to share things with others what they don't know.

maybe i really was that spoilt, bad tempered brat, who places no one else but herself first, self centred, selfish, never really care what others think, only those few selcted ones that she like then she care more.

but i know i am not like that now. people who know me see the change, people who care for me, can feel it. and people who watched me grow, would have noticed. God will know. because he's part of the reason why i changed. and most

now, randomly, i was thinking to myself. how did she know the relationship was blend. how did she judge. why did she think he treated her well because he was used to it. why did she think she wasn't the most important person to him anymore. how?

issit true that relationships cannot be tested by time.. cos most ended up blend. people can date ten years and only found out not suitable half a year into marriage. why like tt? the line between used to it and love is soo thin. how would i know how to judge. it will be saddening to leave after ten years.. but why would anyone want to stay in a r/s tt gone blend.

will it ever be like that?

anyway, thanks Joel for fixing my blog for me. and those cute hearts. was wondering since when the pink hearts turn grey.... haha

HELP!!! WHY MY BLOG LIKE THAT

yes, marraige is a wonderful thing. i agree with wad angel say. and wah.. wad a long long tag. i totally feel the same way about two persons getting together and eventually making the vow of love. the one that gives love a higher level, with committment and also, the promise of loving each other in diff times and happy times. and best of all, when u bear the fruits of ur love. beautilful...... i wish every of my friends out there will find true love. cos i'll be weeping for u girls. serious. love can be so beautiful... really.

and this is so unlike wad the 9pm show portray. haha.. but maybe that is then the reality. marriage might not be so pretty.. but i choose to believe. wad can be more beautiful then spending ur life with the one you love and the one who loves you.

okok..... back to my life... 1 down. 2 more to go. sick. tired..... and more sick.

my dear amelia... give me dates for cruise.. and preferably.... fridays... fri. sat and sun. and on top of that, wad time is the boarding of cruise usuallly..

i believe everything happens for a reason and some things didn't happen, also for a reason. i believe that things are all meant to be, so no matter how hard you try or fight for it, if it's not meant to be yours, it will never be. that's why i believe in sign, i believe that they are the link that help us connect the whole bigger picture.

gradually, i started to believe every little thing is a sign. i believe signs more than anything else... and that's where my negativity comes in. like the sky is dark this morning, and then i will think it's related to my mood or to the day that's going to come. and if the day really does go bad, i will think i am right. little did i realise is because i have such thoughts, that's why my day went bad, cos sub consciously, i'm already thinking the day would be bad. yes.. this i begin to understand i realise.

and when i cannot keep things under my control, i panic, i worry i get insecure. this is all part of negativity and i do realise it. this is a good sign because if i realised it, then i can change.... if i dun even know where the problem lies in, i can't do anything about it at all, right?

don't know why but after watching spiderman today, had lots of thoughts and feelings. like about responsibilities, about character.. about vengence, about forgiveness and abt relationships. like being together doesn't mean you are ready to be together. now i know why God created a man and a woman meant for each other only. like there's only one soul mate only. cos that's the soul mate that's gg to accompany you forever, to understand you like no one could, to compliment you, making you feel best like no one could, to pick you up when you are down and to share your joy when you're way on top. and to accomplish all these, to have all these traits, it's only that ONE soul mate. that is why when you found someone u love and feel that it's ur soul mate, do cherish it. he or she might be that one. and u wun want to lose him or her.

i am starting to believe more in these. and also about understanding and forgiveness..... is this God's works? I know he has already taken some place in my heart..... and i'm ready for more.

i wanna buy cushion!!! lamp!!! cD!!!!! random thoughts...

my love for salt this morning has caused me to choke on it and ended with a itchy throat.

woke up at 7am to study and picked a few question, skipped the difficult ones and leave it to the hands of fate. kinda quite happy that i finally figured out the lump sum and per unit thing so i slept at one. guess being with my boy for quite some time, i got a little influenced. i can no longer sleep that late... gets very tired everytime around 12 plus one. sometimes even 11 plus.

who's the person we should symphatise with at this time of my life? ahaha.. i just realised it's mummy. ever since i started working and needs to wake up at 7. she wakes up with me just to prepare breakfast for me. so far, her track record is she dun go to bed till i leave the hse... except once. after preparing breakfast, she directly hit the bed once again. otherwise, she always watch tv.. until i close the door. dunn wad she do after that. and also, last night, i thought i wan to burn some oil, asked her to cook supper for me.... she cooked instant porridge and i ate one bowl.. figured out my per unit stuff and told her i m tired and i wan to sleep. ahaha.. dunno wad she do with the rest of the porridge. and this morning, she cooked breakfast for me. with dishes and all.

i think ever since i shifted home, the most times she cooked will be those before exams. ahahha.. i THINK i dun recall a time when i went to examination hall hungry and all. always well fed. ahahha.... so yes.. let's give some applause to my mum. and ideas for mummy's day! haha.... want to show her some appreciation without the usual gems and flowers. so cliche already.... ahahha

on another issue, just wanted to say i never thought things would ever become like that. when i receive the msg this morning, felt quite sad. but since things have already come to like that, i will just take it as it comes. maybe some things will change in the future? i dunno but i certianly hope so. i dun want to noe where the problem lies in.. or where did it started. those seemed not impt anymore.. cos at this point... things are already not the same. it's a fact already.

haha.. many many foiled chocs.. i like i like. love it when u girls have a mini convo. why? cos every entry i read down, it makes me smile, laugh. and curious... wad's with the cel thing?? something to do with her ex-s? hmmm.. or her taste? we both know it's her taste tt's gone all wrong! ahahha.... now, being mean dun sound like pumpkin already right?

after all the sweet lovey-dovey period.... it's down to earth and the first thing that greet me on earth is this. i thought i was being genuine and people who knoes me should know i am genuine. maybe my sincerity is not enough? being frank and open leads to misunderstandings after misunderstandings? maybe being so used to my girlfriends, i talk without thinking cos i noe they would understand. i guess.. this is not how the way we be genuine? maybe.. we should never have start this frank.

yes.. promise not to think about it already, yes yes.. think of bridging.... ECONS ECONS ECONS.

apart from that... work is going on real fine these days. getting the hang of it. paywise is good too. if not, 1/3 of it goes to baby.. it will be best!

i think i'm going to get this after all, if singapore really have. baby claims singapore have.... but i still prefer the other!!!

if singapore really have, like wad baby claims, then this is my first month pay reward. =) not as pretty as the one before but ok lor. settle for second best. haha..

it's gg to be a tough 3 weeks ahead. first sat.. i've my econs paper. second sat, my theory exam, organ theory... not car, then third sat, is ta paper. dun even noe why i taking it... but ya. haha.... 3 weeks of hard work. den after that, myabe cruise.. HOR AMELIA??? den since baby cannot go o holiday anymore, myabe go for some chalet. i WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN. trust me. anything's possible when we have the cash. right, baby....

told mummy i started gg churh. quite surprised she accepted it pretty quickly. =) her worries and questions and concerns happen to be mine too... which i will explore.. then answer her one by one.

due to angel's special request, i shall let in a little about my pre celebration yesterday. went aglio olio. the place is even better after the renovation and the food is goood. baby think soo too. he judges the place by their steak. i ate linguine vongule. SUPERB. haha.. and their sepcial brownie.... ahahah.. damn cool. got to try it mans. anyway... the couple beside us are actually on a blind date! half the time when baby and i are toking, we are actually listening in on their convo. i think it's damn funny la.....

after which, baby bought me this chocolates, tt looks too good to be eaten. chocos might not be my cup of tea. only angel's and baby's cup of tea... but i will eat those chocs.

it's gg to be a good week. i just noe it.

I LIKE!!! BUT SINGAPORE DON'T HAVE... =/

when i logged onto my blog and saw three foiled chocs, i thought angel and amelia having a mini convo again but ta-da... i see my sweet baby's message too. =)

haha.... seriously, we're over the honeymoon phase aren't we? so why do i still feel so blissed just to have u by my side and to meet you a few hours at night? actually time passes so fast, before we noe it, we're enjoying each other's company during the weekends again. monday blues... grumble.. and den weekends... ahaha.. a v short cycle. but seriously.... it makes everything feel better just to have my little breaks here and there.. and those are the days tt i get to meet u.

okok.... i m feeling very xin fu. so pardon me.

thanks ALL of you, once again, i bring a smile to bed. =) baby thank all of u all.. angel thank him back.. ahaha.. but I THANK ALL OF U GUYS!!!! U GUYS MADE MY LIFE CLOSE TO COMPLETENESS! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

date me out for lunch.... please

tired and all when i reached home but seeing the sunflower made me smile once more. life can actually be beautiful especially when there are things around you to remind u that someone out there cares or better still, people who reminds u they care.

take for instant friday, looking forward to lunching with jie. and sat, looking forward to spending a good time with my baby. i know we will. haha.. ever since we learnt that time is precious for the both of us, and we realyl cherish every min spent together... ahhhaha.. i hope he feels this way too. or issit just me?

all will be fine. =) even with the stupid ultra pain papercut i have.

thanks angel dearie for the flowers. they totally made my day! =) i love u!!! muacks muacks!!! i dun think nicky flavoured kiss suit u. so i give u leona's!

weekends just come and go again. seriously, this time round, it's really very fast. was it cause time spent with the boy always seem to go by so quickly, that's why my weekends seem so short. seriously, one weekend is not enough to cover weekdays of not meeting. i m missing him already.

i really think what happened the past week certainly make us know what we want in the future and also how much we meant to each other. and most importantly, how much u value and cherish me. i suddenly realised i pale in comparison but then, i feel much happier. i feel closer to you and i also think i can love u more and more. this feels totally amazing.... it seemed that our r/s is brought to a higher level already and right now, i'm exploring this level. so far, i'm liking everything about it.

let's do this together. =)

i'm pretty loved after all... thanks nu peng you. ahaha.. so funny, u read from here and u left me a testimonial. nonetheless... it makes me feel loved and cared for! no matter issit a simple tag or a testimonial.... i am happy.

leona's been a happy girl since thurs. wierd.. there i was grumbling on wed night and when i reached work place on thurs, i brightened up immediately. cos tt guy is back and he recovered! woah.. relief relief, first time i'm so happy to see him. to think i was cursing at him under my breath every now and then from mon to wed. but finally, work load seemed lighter. everything seemed better, in a way. and they even let me off early, like i could finally see sunset while walking out of the building and not moonlight all the time. best thing is i could meet my baby for a short while. though it was short, and he was playing his games, it just feels goood. seriously.

haven't really had a proper meet up with baby since mon. and mon's not a good day for both of us. i dun wanna go into it anymore. but i promise all will be better. =) i'm pretty positive on this one. i m missing him though i would be able to see him tmr..... ahahaha

i have a eye candy in office and baby's jealous!!! but please.. the eye candy is this woman. let's see.. she look like she's in early twenties.. maybe older than me by wad.. 3 to 4 years. sh'e drop dead gorgeous. wadever she wears looks good. her sharp nose, her mouth and bug eyes, her beautiful hair. ahahaha.. she really very pretty!! i jealous.... maybe i should seriously consider dying my hair.

i dream of a holiday and i hope it will be a dream come true!! all for hard work. =) but in short run, i just wanna see tt silly boy of mine, who's tired 24/7 and this explains why i'm online nw and he's sleeping already.

all will be well.. i noe it will be. cos with u, i'm already stronger.

pre warning, this is going to be a real whiny entry.. crosss this if u dun think u wanna read it.

if my life right now can be desribed as a plant, then i think i am withering. i wun die but there will be no bloom for me for the next few months coming up. i won't say time passes slowly cos it doesn't. seriously, i know before i know it, the 3 months is up. but i cannot begin to describe the pile of work that has to be done. my mentor is finally leaving today.. and den suddenly lots of things became my charge, things i know how to do, that's alright. things i do once only.. tt's errr.. i can try to figure my way out and also things i never do before like wad.. match bloomberg tics to wad....trade confos....? and wad??? i dunno.... had gastric tonight and it didn't get any better after i ate the cup noodles that i bought. my sotmach still hurts. my life is not the least bit healthy right nw.... wad with sitting in front of my desk, with my freaking ass growing bigger and late night dinners... and now worse, leading to gastric. i will be frail and brittle... and whithery... i dunno how to explain but i really feel like dying. i need nutrients... of love of concern of attention. i dun like working....... i dun like. i dun like i dun like. going back daily to a pile of docs, like that i rather i'm the one who fell ill and admitted to the hospital instead. it's tough covering two persons' job. seriously... no good lunch or nice colleagues can help. even with me trying to keep an optimistic self, refuses to go through this. i'm not born to be optimistic. so i try to be...... and this is the limit of someone who's only trying and learning.

YEAH!!!! GO AHEAD PEOPLE WHO READS THIS AND THINK I M WEAK. I AM!!!! SO WHAT!!!! NOBDY LOVES ME!!! NOBODY CARES!!!

being on the more rational side.... and this is for those who actually bother about poor dying leona, i know i will be a stronger person once i get through this. not only that, i would have made myself a not too bad resume to start things off with and also, money for licence as well as in cpf. and even this resume might not mean anything, i know what i've gained and tt's experience no money can buy. things will be fine. i know. i'll take things as they come. i guess i still have my moral support here and there. and somehow as a person who believes in signs, i know i'm being put in this for some reason and that is to make me stronger and to make me see clearer picture of wad's install for me in the future. no one said life is going to be easy..... but i guess right now, for poor poor me, support is important. utmost important. like an sms, esp at night makes things a whole lot of difference. or like calling my baby and he.aring his voice, although he dun tok much... tt makes me feel quite....

i guess he's right. or rather, everyone's right. i do think too much and always of things tt hasn't happen. and tt causes alot of unnecessary unhappiness. like i said, i put ur happiness before me and i think the only way for u to give me a perfect ten is that i stop thinking negatively.

but i question.. when i really can stop thinking negatively, what happens when my trust is broken, when lies are discovered, when all tt i believe in is actually air? i really cannot bear to put myself through the pain all over again. of trusting and then someone breaking of tt trust. i noe it will be too painful to even bear....

then again... this will not happen. this will not happen. i'll do my best, i'll be the best. at least to myself, i noe i tried, i noe i wasn't the cause of anything. i guess tt will be ok already. even if negative things were to happen in the future, i noe i was my best self and that things happen for a reason.

everything does.

okok.... pain pain go away....

still hurting

one big roller coaster ride for me this weekend till now in fact.. but i know or rather i hope things will become smoother.

i know if it was a choice, his power would certainly overpower mine. i know i have no right to stop people from making their choice. i know my importance. i know i might be a slight obstruction cos of my importance. i know i'm not being really nice right now. i know it might lead to strain. all these i know.

but all these are struggles i go through. call me scared, call me insecured and i will admit all of these. i'm afraid to lose u.... yet i dun deny i want to feel connected. just not the way everyone's pacing me. i sae i need time... and i really do and i wan my baby to be beside me, walking my pace.. and both of us together. it means alot to me..... i dun wanna feel abandoned.

i want to be with u.. very much and i wan us to walk through this together.. side my side. tt's wad i thought after these few days of turmoil..... haha.. all my worries and fears. tt i will lose my baby.

but i noe i wun..... =)