pre warning, this is going to be a real whiny entry.. crosss this if u dun think u wanna read it.

if my life right now can be desribed as a plant, then i think i am withering. i wun die but there will be no bloom for me for the next few months coming up. i won't say time passes slowly cos it doesn't. seriously, i know before i know it, the 3 months is up. but i cannot begin to describe the pile of work that has to be done. my mentor is finally leaving today.. and den suddenly lots of things became my charge, things i know how to do, that's alright. things i do once only.. tt's errr.. i can try to figure my way out and also things i never do before like wad.. match bloomberg tics to wad....trade confos....? and wad??? i dunno.... had gastric tonight and it didn't get any better after i ate the cup noodles that i bought. my sotmach still hurts. my life is not the least bit healthy right nw.... wad with sitting in front of my desk, with my freaking ass growing bigger and late night dinners... and now worse, leading to gastric. i will be frail and brittle... and whithery... i dunno how to explain but i really feel like dying. i need nutrients... of love of concern of attention. i dun like working....... i dun like. i dun like i dun like. going back daily to a pile of docs, like that i rather i'm the one who fell ill and admitted to the hospital instead. it's tough covering two persons' job. seriously... no good lunch or nice colleagues can help. even with me trying to keep an optimistic self, refuses to go through this. i'm not born to be optimistic. so i try to be...... and this is the limit of someone who's only trying and learning.

YEAH!!!! GO AHEAD PEOPLE WHO READS THIS AND THINK I M WEAK. I AM!!!! SO WHAT!!!! NOBDY LOVES ME!!! NOBODY CARES!!!

being on the more rational side.... and this is for those who actually bother about poor dying leona, i know i will be a stronger person once i get through this. not only that, i would have made myself a not too bad resume to start things off with and also, money for licence as well as in cpf. and even this resume might not mean anything, i know what i've gained and tt's experience no money can buy. things will be fine. i know. i'll take things as they come. i guess i still have my moral support here and there. and somehow as a person who believes in signs, i know i'm being put in this for some reason and that is to make me stronger and to make me see clearer picture of wad's install for me in the future. no one said life is going to be easy..... but i guess right now, for poor poor me, support is important. utmost important. like an sms, esp at night makes things a whole lot of difference. or like calling my baby and he.aring his voice, although he dun tok much... tt makes me feel quite....

i guess he's right. or rather, everyone's right. i do think too much and always of things tt hasn't happen. and tt causes alot of unnecessary unhappiness. like i said, i put ur happiness before me and i think the only way for u to give me a perfect ten is that i stop thinking negatively.

but i question.. when i really can stop thinking negatively, what happens when my trust is broken, when lies are discovered, when all tt i believe in is actually air? i really cannot bear to put myself through the pain all over again. of trusting and then someone breaking of tt trust. i noe it will be too painful to even bear....

then again... this will not happen. this will not happen. i'll do my best, i'll be the best. at least to myself, i noe i tried, i noe i wasn't the cause of anything. i guess tt will be ok already. even if negative things were to happen in the future, i noe i was my best self and that things happen for a reason.

everything does.

okok.... pain pain go away....

still hurting

one big roller coaster ride for me this weekend till now in fact.. but i know or rather i hope things will become smoother.

i know if it was a choice, his power would certainly overpower mine. i know i have no right to stop people from making their choice. i know my importance. i know i might be a slight obstruction cos of my importance. i know i'm not being really nice right now. i know it might lead to strain. all these i know.

but all these are struggles i go through. call me scared, call me insecured and i will admit all of these. i'm afraid to lose u.... yet i dun deny i want to feel connected. just not the way everyone's pacing me. i sae i need time... and i really do and i wan my baby to be beside me, walking my pace.. and both of us together. it means alot to me..... i dun wanna feel abandoned.

i want to be with u.. very much and i wan us to walk through this together.. side my side. tt's wad i thought after these few days of turmoil..... haha.. all my worries and fears. tt i will lose my baby.

but i noe i wun..... =)

i don't know where this inferiority come from suddenly. from my stupid bird brain i think. but... looking at all the pasts and the present, comparing and all.... this inferiority crept into me. =/

woke up early in the morning to do homework. feel so unprepared. dun even know how am i going to take the paper on the 28th. i want to do well. but issit possible with so little time on hand. of course, i know it's all down to time management. yes, time management.

was watching tv this morning. everytime i come across shows losing loved ones, i always feel a pain in my chest. and i cannot help but tear. i have not experienced really losing a loved one yet but yet, i can feel the pain in me already. what's going to happen when i really do? the pain would be ten times as painful, ten times as excruciating, i bet. looking at such stuff, i feel that feelings of jealousy, insecurity and anger seemed so small in comparison. they seemed so minor. they seemed so unimportant. why bother to let jealousy get in your way or insecurity sour the relationship and even anger cloud your vision or make you say things you dun mean it. when all these negativity will go only cause u to hurt ur loved ones when they are still living. what's going to happen when the leave us? won't jealousy, insecurity and anger just makes u regret that u did not love them more, u did not appreciate them and that's when tears wun even revive them and that all that could be done is left as a regret.

so when they are still living and categorised as loved ones, we love them like they should be love, tell them how much we appreciate them, let them know u care and that u treasure what kind of r/s u guys are sharing. cos there might never be a tmr or next time. what's important is always now.

ever since quite some time ago, trust is something i find it hard to have. and i know trust is a rather important thing as a person who wants to communicate better with people around. and this problem is always getting in my way, always letting people misinterpret, misunderstand me. and most importantly, hurt those around me. but would my trust be broken again? i dunno if i can ever take anotehr blow. but i guess in life, we're always taking the risks, aren't we?

but i'm still scared i guess. ultimately, i'm still the small little me inside.

was watching another show. it says about i modern days, divorce cases is getting more and more. okok.. we all noe it's the norm. but they question, issit cos temptations outside is increasing? or issit cos there's not much understanding of each other before they enter marraige, issit the lack of communications? what exactly it is? will i ever get answer. sometimes, trying to build relationships between people can be tough. cos wad's right or wad's wrong is not decided by only one party.

hahaha.. random thoughts from watching too much tv. got to go get ready for classes and shopping later!

i'm a happy girl today. genuinely happy despite the sucky work i have. seriously, after 7 days of work, i realised that work is either for males and females who are single or females whose boyfriends are in the army. ahaha.... seriously, no attached guys' gfs can stand it. girls will always be girls. unless the girls themselves hanky panky outside. then of course they dun mind their bfs slogging their guys out to make money for them to spend. but ya.... work is that bad. mainly cos baby gets to finish at 5:30!!! and i dun!!!

nonetheless.. i m happy today. despite a few hiccups. but i'm happy. =) happy with a spained lg. but still overall happy. =)

why oh why did this weekend pass so quickly?? i didn't even have 2 proper days of holidays!!!! like half of sat was taken up by bridging econs class already... so why oh why did one and a half days of holidays pass so quickly!!! it pass soo much quicker than 3 days of work. these one and a half days pass by like 3 hous of the 3 days at work.

now i knoe why people got monday blues!! i am gg to be soo blue tmr and it really doesn't help knowing i'm supposed to spend the entrie day with my baby tmr. my babbbyyy my babbbby.. i dun want to work. dun wan to work dun want to work. leona is gg to turn blue tmr.. turn blue tmr.. PLEASE GIVE ME GOOD FRIDAY HOLIDAY GOD.. oh PLEASE!!!!

ahahahha. all this hard work.. for my car licence... and that new phone.....

OH anyway.. i hope my boy likes wadever i gave him..... and enjoy himself today. may i be able to celebrate ur many many mnay birthdays coming down your way.

today marks the end of the end of march and a hectic april to come along. i would be taking my bridging econs paper in april, my grade 7 theory exam and my work tt ends standardly at 8, not to mention, if the staff leaves soon in less than a month, i seriously don't know what time i can leave workplace.

now now now, what have i landed myself into. wad kind a job is this. first, i thought the pay was good but then again, they fully utilised me and squeezed me dry. hahaha.... actually work is not that bad lah, it's just staying back late, depriving me of my boy. i miss dating!!! i miss spending time with him.. but luckily, he found a job too. so at least i feel better knowing both of us are working hard. me working hard towards my driving licence and that new phone!!!

so as much as i wanna quit badly.. i cannot. and no one approves of me quitting too. the saying goes, wadever cannot breaks u makes u stronger. i'm sure i will gain some knowledge after i leave the place as well as experience in the backroom. =)

but for now, work sux! =/ tiring.. and i miss my boy!

i suddenly miss one old part of me. the craziness... i recall many people wrote in my autograph book for me like... u are crazy, fun-loving... ahaha.. and cute. yes yes, the last part is cute. but maybe they actually meant act cute? i admit it might be act cute lor... but i got so natural at doing it.. i dun even noe when i m not. anyway, nobody hates me for that wad. i didn't make enemies for that wad, or did i? but nonetheless, i still have one whole bunch of friends who dun mind the act cute part. isn't tt right?

that was in the past.

now... i lost the craziness in me i guess.. issit the age? or have i become more mature.. like learn to deal with things in a mature way. like i kind of sober up? is that the word to use.. hopefully, readers would understand wad i mean.. but the craziness and the dun care about anything, just do and then laugh it off.. that part of me is gone. i want to find it back.. simple just laugh at every single thing.. just laugh and laugh and laugh...... ahhahha.. now this is wad i call life, ain't it?

now i get conscious of everything. i care about how i beave.. how i look.. wad about the part of living freely and most importantly, happily. i like the old leona.. the laugh until dunno wad she laughing at leona. the one whose laughter will infect others as well.. the one who's crazy and silly.. and yes.. act cute!

issit really the age? or i've changed.

anyway, it will be a good transition and a good start for me soon. some identity crisis i have here?? no.. i just want to find a way to live happier. quote from nupengyou: a positive mindset is crucial if you wana be happy. tt's absolutely true.

i should be contented and blessed to have someone who loves me so dearly by my side. to have fmaily whom i treat shabily yet still so much concern and of course friends who never fail to remind me their warmth and existence.

so.. everything is just going to be fine. what's the worst thing tt can happpen. right???

pray for me my dear friends tt it's gg to be a good day tmr.

i found a job! and it's pretty fast. wondering if i made a rash decision... went for interview today and then they confirmed me today. it's a 3 months contract. so no leaving till after 3 months. i do hope it will pass by quickly. pretty nervous at the same time anticipating and dreading it. anticipating cos i cannot wait to work... earn that cash! puting time to good use. dreading it cos of 1001 reasons:

- no pretty forml clothes to wear
- long hours
- anti-socialness
- i m so gg to miss my boy

ok.. the last one was uncalled for.. but i guess we cannot meet up as often as we used to now. tt saddens me... i m already soo used to him... how mans. but apparently, it's only on my side. tt boy doesn't seem much affected. hahaha.... i guess i like that part about him

sometimes.. small surprises can bring much happiness. it's been so long since i was last surprised

it's been such a studious week. busy studying for the silly cfp and then took the exam which was so impossibly foreign and super mentally challenging. in a way, i'm glad that i didn't study that hard for it cos apparently if i studied that hard, the paper would ve seem impossibly difficult as well. is this the standard of professional associates? oh well.....

think i will fail my silly bridging econs. i cannot draw for nuts! and she had to say in econs, we use graphs to answer and to explain. but it's ok. i still ve time to brush up my curves!!! art sux and i thought so 4 years ago too

i'm feeling pretty contented at this point of time... like lots of icing on my cake.... all i need is a cherryyy.... and also ma la. i'm having this huge craving for steamboat again. again and again. think i can eat steamboat almost everyday

just found a relatively adorable picture. one tt cheers me up almost instanteneously

after going through everything this whole week, the ups and downs, i realised i don't want to lose you at all. there's so many things in my bedroom that reminds me of you.. the frame, the pictures, the rose, the card and most importantly, the bears. these are not something that can be easily removed or forgotten and same goes for all the memories we share.

these are visual memories, and there's also those other memories in the head type. every single thing u did for me.. every single thing you didn't do. but i'm not perfect as well. i'm sure inside u must be thinking there are things that i did or did not do. sensitive over areas tt didn't require and insensitive to how u might have felt.

but putting these all aside, let's put ourselves to the test, keeping in mind wad's to be done better and wad's not to be done. maybe it's all on my part... but i wan to give it a shot. i wan to give it my best shot.

nobody say we cannot pull ourselves up after we fall. no one say we have to continuosly wear guards to protect ourselves in case we fall. and instead of removing the guard after some time, we wear more and more. nobody say tt falling is definitely avoidable but learning how to stand up and be strong is one big lesson in life. nobody sae, shadow has to follow u for life... there's always the light out there.

gf told me that one live happier and longer with a positive mindset. longer i dun care.. but i wan to be happier. i wan to find the leona i used to knoe and not see someone i dun like and dun even recognise in the mirror every morning, getting uglier and uglier....

this is my life. a pledge. hahaha....

Artist: Def Leppard
Song: Two Steps Behind
Album: Retro Active

Walk away, if you want to,
it's ok, if you need to.
(a) You can run, but you can never hide.
You see my shadow come creepin¹ up inside you.

(PRE-CHORUS)
There's a magic runnin¹ through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you do...

(CHORUS)
I'll be two steps behind you.
(Wherever you go...)
And I'll be there to remind you
(a) that it only takes a minute of your precious time to turn around.
I'll be two steps behind.

Take the time and think about it.
Walk the line, you just can't fight it.
Look around and see what you can find.
Like a fire that's burning up inside me.

Yeah, turn around, I¹ll be two steps behind.
Yeah, turn around, I¹ll be...
(Two steps behind.)
I¹ll be two steps behind you.
(Two steps behind.)
And I¹ll be there to remind you.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.)
(Two steps behind.)
Two steps behind.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Yeah, oh, yeah.
(Two steps behind.)
Two steps behind.
(Two steps behind.)

i simply cannot resist the temptation of a McChicken. and to make myself feel better, i ordered plain but tt does not reduce the sin of burger at 2330!

i m feeling tired and lazy. think i will skip gym tmr since i went today. feel like giving myself a reward tmr morning.. but why should i reward myself.. hahahaha. i dunno.

there are always two sides to a coin, two sides to a story and two general types of people.

i like:

1. people who can help me
2. people who i can help

but there must be a third type of people. cos they are people i don't like.

somethings on tv shows really reflect life. how we deal with people around us, how we treat them, how we deal with people's feelings and the relationship involved and of course what are the consequences. i guess sometimes in life, we might already know what are the consequences when we do some stuff. even if we know that the consequences turn out bad, why do we still do it in the first place? tt's cos we are always selfish. in one way or another, we're always thinking of ourselves.

ok.. i'm toking abt myself. i'm one big selfish person. and everyday... i never fail to realise it.

anyway, i realised no matter how many times i watch this show, the feeling i get out of it is always the same. cannot remember the last time i watch, was i single or already with nic. but no matter wad... i hope i will not bear the consequences.

working hard for my future. planning and sacrifice seem absolutely necessary

even on a ordinary day, on a simple day, i feel blissful. i like:

- they way you hold my hand on the bus and tighten your grip when the bus jerk
- the way you always look back and hold your hand out for me if i lagged behind
- they way u didn't like pa, but accomodate to me cos u noe i like it
- the way u look at me and laugh at my silliness
- the way you always show me ur fist if i say something stupid. stupid not to me, but to you.

it's just an ordinary day. but u brought me out into the light. with u knocking sense into me, literally. you untie the knot in me in a miraculous way that you dun even know you did. but i feel so much better from everything esle that happened before today. thanks for being understanding and being there. thank god for you.

i guess this personal diary is for life.... haha.

after prom, i'm feeling not too bad. it's not exactly a bad prom, just not as good as ij's. it's a not too goood, but not so bad prom. okok.... it's getting late, some of my words are getting repetitive.

i'm feelin satisfied with my curent life, really i m. i ought to be happy. but somewhere, somehow, i feel like i've lost something. i dun feel complete. i don't know what issit that's missing but i know, i m not as happy as before, or how i actually should be. i suddenly feel like i lost all connectivity. with people, with things around me.

suddenly out of nowhere, i recalled the game angel and mortal. it feels good to have an angel ain it. someone who watches u and protect u withou u knowing and making sure u are happy every single day. angel dearie.. were u my angel last time..... i tot i remembered u.

rugged and the elegant