it's the holidays and the start to my screwed life. well, i shouln't put it tt way. however, i cannot describe it better any other way. nonetheless.. i will stay positive. laptop's down. gotta get it done at the cost of 80 bucks. mum's on leave. painting the whole house, making me smell the poisonous air. the start of the month never comes. lack of cash, making me even grouchier than i already am. fed up, hot tempered, plus the weather's not helping. i feel so..........

i won't be surprised if one day u chose to leave. cos if i were to look back, there were many times u could have already said bye.

oppressed, defendless.

i hate this. i hate u. i really do. i'm never good enough. dunno issit for u or for others to see. i'm never good enough for u to praise. i'm never good enough to u for others to see. i'm not good enough for toehrs to see. i dun even understand why should i have to put on an act. just so tt others would see how good am i. i did one thing.. u never notice.. and u tok about the rest. no matter wad i do... it goes un noticed and i hear the same old song again. so is now even if i d or not.. i still have to see ur un satisfied face. who's not getting a life.. who's not getting good relationship with others. why does it always have to be u right and i wrong. why issit tt u have to always look at me and show me tt un satisfied face. i never felt this for a long time already. but i'm tired. u dun even noe the whole picture. and yet u can come out with ur own version? wad the... u ve ur own version... so do i. u think i'm horrid.. so do i thin kabout u. why do u always have to do this to me. wad's wrong with u. no.. or should i sae.. wad's wrong with me.. i'm not good enough issit? u need someone better?? i'm so tired of u'.

í'm so tired of this house and this family... i'm tired.

the word frequency kept coming up in my head. thanks to chin. she brought the word up and i cannot stop using it. it's like chin and my common frequency would definitely be food related. other than tt, we ve no other frequency tt is connected. lol.. is like.. i might say i can do do this myself.. it's really ok. really.. and she would sae.. yaya.. i understand.. but yet, she would still come over. lol.. okok.. this is our joke.

watched break up. wanted to catch it alone. so glad i did not. i dun like the ending. they really broek up!!! =( every show tt i watch seems to evoke lotsa emotions in me. yes, i'm being all goeey and emotional yet again. cherish, treasure, appreciate. wad is the meaning of all these words. maybe to a certain extend, i cannot use these words as yet when i couldn't do so myself. and why is it tt i haven't reach tt level. am i expecting too much, hoping for too much. or am i just never satisfied. i dunno. all i noe is i fear and tt fearing makes me feel like i lost. the battle. to myself. i fear myself. i'm starting not to understand tt tangled mess in me again.. like in the past. i'm being pathetic all over again. pathetic with a capital P. oh.. how great to start the so called fulfilling holidays tt i so desire.

first thing to do: cut my nails. and crash and burn neopets. lol.

received something sweet in the mail today. =)

"mei mei bei zhe yi ge tan ke qiang(che)?!"

this is my birthday song. my 19th birthday song.. dedicated to me by those dear girls of mine. well... how special. luckily, i get to hear the original one tt normally people hear as well. but anyway, thanks girls. thanks for this mini prelude. i'm so glad i ve u guys in my life. =)

thanks to those who remembers my birthday. a wishing message simply made my day. i collected quite a few smiles today already. i'm so blessed. indeed i am. i thank god for all these people in my life. i really do. it's always on this day tt i feel ultra thankful. birthdays will never be the same wthout all of u guys. and we will ve a long long way down.

thanks for all the gifts.. and eve.. u got one of my email wrongly.. i dun have any yahoo ones. and thanks my boy... for the gift. i can see the effort and i do appreciate. thanks.... i still want tt watch!! lol.. here he will sae i m thick skin again... but oh wells.. it's still MY BDAE!!! i call the shots!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!

i declare the best place to study would be airport. i can concentrate the best there and study up to 5 hours straight. but one thing's bad.. i have to constantly worry that people would chase us off. i can be really thin skin when it comes to such things and today.. we did got chased off. when the person told us we cannot study there.. i literally cannot wait to get my butt off that cushy seat and disappear. it's the weekends... too bad for us. but luckily.. ronald opened his arms widely to us.. and we sat there for as long as we liked.. and the staff even offered us plain water. lol... i was surprised.

i should think fia is to be feared more than ea. i think the paper would be sly and cunning.. hard to predict. ea's all there.. depends whether u want to put in effort to study or not. well.. i fear fia. alot....

i always like my birthdays celebrated in a happy, crowded and merry way. in pri sch and sec sch... it always coincide with exams or tests. that's why when i come poly.. i was so happy.

but looks like my wish will not be granted this year.

happy birthday, singapore! happy national day!! amelia.. are u out on an oh-so-hot date now?? with one person extra? why u never reply my message this morning?? too busy dressing up!?? hmmm.. now i know what will my girl be like when she gets a bf next time. i will be so dumped. =/

2006 national day... i received a bottle. to symbolise a promise. 2006 national day... we ate soggy fried rice. lol... this is indeed a good story to tell in the next few decades to come.

maybe i was in the singaporean mood. i decided to play monopoly.. the singapore version. hmm.. am i good or what. buy my boy lost to me yet again. i think i made him damn demoralised cos of it. he sae it seems impossible to play monopoly when right from the beginning he noes he will lose. lol. i understand how u feel. i really do. maybe when i get the fifa wc version.. u will do better?? cheer up mans!! =)

this is soo sooo coool... gives me power. thanks angel. ahahha

http://leona.youaremighty.com/

thanks to those whom have been very concerned with how my studies are progressing. it's fine. maybe a little slow.. but still fine. thanks!

i hope to be able to finish quite a bit of studying tmr so that maybe i can go watch fireworks not only tmr night but also on national day night?? hmmm.. but me alone study finish also no use. i need that boy to finish too. dun want him to always feel so obligated to do whatever i want or to go wherever i want.

airport is such a god place. =) i can't wait for tmr.... =)

i'm so into boardgames lately. i just went into yahoo auctions and i saw so many nice monopoly boardgames. with so many many editions. i'm so into monopoly nowadays.. there's the disney version, star wars, hongkong, new zealand, surfing, mouintaining, racing.. so many many types. i want it all mans... i'm gg to be a monopoly collector.. but they are already 90 yrs old i think. i saw they have a limited 17th yr anniversary edition and also a 70 yr one. woah.... they most recent one i saw is the wc fifa monopoly edition tt i think is simply soo sooo cool. my future hse must be big enough to store all my monopoly game sets. right now.. i already ve the singapore and the normal one.. i aim for more more more.

in edition.. i saw this boardgame and popular at tampines mall.. dividends. it's a stock mrket board game.. i think tt's soo coool as well. am i mad or wad.. but all board games are so so cooool. i wanna collect collect collect!!!!

anyway.. thanks amelia. for everything. i love u...

dalala dalala... lol.. this is dal's nick but i'm using it to express my feelings instead. anyway, welcome back amelia! i'm like always welcoming u back these days?? can u stop going away. at first i didn't noe u are going camp. as in i forgot... den i was like thinking eh.. these days how come never see amelia online. until i talked to samuel. then i remembered u were at camp. but dun get me wrong. he wasn't the one who reminded me. i remembered coincidentally when he was toking. anyway.. as u can tell... u were our conversation topic on one of the days. lol... dalala dalala. hey.. thought u were supposed to message me one of the days?? u sae u were selling something? hmmm...

great day... the second part was. my high spirits definitely has something to do with the weekends are coming nearer, projects all cleared. =) wanted to eat at new york new york today as i promised him to give him a treat. but it seemed crowded.. with lotsa reservations signs on the table.. so we ended up at suntec basement.. walking one round and decided on swensons. and with gelare as desserts... ahahah.. time passes so fast... and i guess both of us are really tired... with little sleep these past few days. so here i am home now. supposed to be waiting for his message.. but i think ar.. he fell asleep already.

i need a few things to start my revision soon.. like new pens.. files.... yes.. revision is something tt cannot be pending.. i got to start soon. so that i can enjoy on my birthday.

dalala dalala... =)

suspended in the daydream, you twist and tear.
Adorned in the colours of your destiny.
A lie to prevent the loss of your precious
Somehting is lost to a lie
A frayed edge betraying your deceit
All at the sight of one phrase

i've been immersed in the world of ratios, p/l statements, balance sheets and cashflows. and finally, i'm done. hmm.. i won't say it's a piece of work that i'm proud of. but like what dal say, it's the effort he's looking for right. please please.. see my effort mans. i can you tube earlier. like tonight??? lalala~~~eveeeeee.. are u jealous?

i can't wait for tmr to be over and done with if anyone knows what i mean.

maybe things are looking better for me? i certainly hope so.

i'm so glad i decided to meet up with my girls after all today. i'm actually in my best mood now ever since the start of this week. maybe it's the tgif thing but i'm sure our usual friday night in with the guess show helped a greal deal. i'm feeling alot better than any other days in this week. thanks alot girls.. although most probably, angel will only read it. never mind, help me convey to the rest, k.. i really appreciate it.

very very much appreciate all the little gestures of concern i received from pple. really. this week has been rough for me. my morale has not been this down since a long time already. downcasted like the grey skies threatening that a storm's ahead. moods to the very extreme big B-- bad. and really sorry how badly i may ve mistreated my boy.

i ve to admit, i'm pretty lucky through out my entire life. i knew that when i came to deal with the fact tt i cannot handle stress. simply speaking, i break down. needless to say, someone who still has difficulty managing stress and anger suck most at handling something tt i cannot do anything about. people always sae we only learn to treasure things when we lose them or in jeopardy in losing them. i totally agree. but on the other hand, if i never go through this, i would not noe how to treasure or even learn how to. it's a must go through process i would say. this week has really been rough and tormenting. it became clear to me tt i started rejecting helping hand and support tt it suddenly occured to me tt i'm recoiling. away from life, away from pple. this is so familiar and once part of my life. but i met friends. i met pple who changed my life. so i ve no intention of repeating tt part of myself to disappoint pple whom care for me and whom i care for. so i reach out to the many hands available. and open up, it's a good start isn't it? or i would start living my life like a recluse all over again.

so it's another learning lesson in my life. no biggie yea? i certinaly hope i can handle it. so i still say i'm so glad i had my little gathering with my girls. it's really the thing i need before i drop.

it's a turning point. it definitely is.

i cannot help but think what a lucky girl she is. i know two things cannot be compared. but it's just a thought. her love never hit her hard on the head... always cushioned back by his love for her. if only i was in that shoes....

nonetheless.. it's just a random thought, on a random night. i'm a big nana fan all of a sudden. angel.. if u see nana movie... the girl who acted as nana.. sux!! she's just not cool enough to pull if off. she went as far as trying so hard to act cool only. =/

amelia.. at camp... jia you!!!

 

my frozen roses 

i'm surprised to see angel's little message and even more surprised to see the time she typed the message. i mean.. hello girl?? aren't we supposed to watch the guess show together tat that time!!?? naughty naughty.. doing it right under my nose. but i'm slow enough to find out only now... lol. anyway... here's update.. in case girls out there nag at me once more.

today is my chinese birthday!!! dunno why but it seems like a big deal to me this year.. usually, i dun even care. maybe cos today marks a special day as well. anyway. early in the morning.. mummy cook mee sua for me. to think i thought and trusted that her mee sua improved.. no more use spoon scoop that type. today is the same thing again. i think is cos she added alot of ingredients. that's why. the noodles seems so much, the ingredients. which totally suck away any soup that's remaining. but anyway, thanks mummy. it's nice to eat. i finished everything, k! and even wash the bowl and clean up.

after which, i waited for my boy to come. he said he needs to come over my place to put something in the fridge. and also partly cos he noes that i wun get ready so fast. come to think of it.. i took like at least more than an hour to get ready today, right? anyway.. i can't sae i'm surprised and clueless that's hé is giving me something today. or else i will totally sound like some ulu pandan pumkpin.. acting all innocent and retarded at the same time but i must admit. i didn't expect him to give wad he give.. i noe it will be related to flowers.. but yet.. i just cannot put the pic together until i saw wad he did today. i even thought he's gg to use the bottle to put a rose in and deco or something. but none of the sort.. he gave me frozen roses... it's really unique. even better if there's nitrogen liquid... but nvm.. i really apprecaite it.. =) it's pretty. i'll take a pic of it later. thanks alot.

after which, i planned a day that will fully make use of all 4 trips of our mrt concession and a dinner and tiong bahru and then esplanade. it was first to town to walk walk.. den to tiong bahru.. den to city den back home. exactly 4 trips. lol.. i thought rajainn close down... but they didn't. in fact.. they kinda revamp the menu a little.. and buisness look not too bad. den rooftop at esplanade. finally.. can go there as a couple, instead of being one of those people who go there make noise and disturb couples only. but nowadays ar.. rooftop at esplanade is nothing already. it's crowded with muds.. making a whole lot of noise.. oooh... not to mention, i ate nice yummy waffles today as desserts!!! yaynesss~!!! little boy.. promise me more of such days will come, k?? less of stuck home days... =) oh.. and let's visit more of marketplace too!!!?? i noticed we got alot of things to put in "our home" next time yea. ahahha

oh.. eve.. i saw the evil woamn and sad boy couple today. he's even carrying her bag for her.. handbag summore. speaking of that ar, i really think woman who wants their bfs to carry bags for them are wierd to the max!!! it makes ur bf look henpecked and not the least bit macho, and not only that, how heavy can a small handbag be? i'm not even toking about bag.. i'm toking about HANDBAGS!!?? and if that puny handbag is tt heavy.. DUN BRING!!! grrr.

ok. enough updates?? =)

hello update :)

-gel

my shit motivator is back! and just like i told her, she ges all the bad things out of my system and out of my life... keeping me fresh to await for new stuff.. nutrients. lol... i wanna graduate!! and join u sooon! maybe after we hanged out more.. i will become a regular shit person already. right!!?? meet up soon. i wanna see my disney products! and phucket tibits!! i love my shit motivator. and please, my dear girl, although ur new life will start again pretty soon. like a new chapter.. i'm not just any old chapter.. but a bookmark for u to bring along in every other new chapters u go to. so dun forget me in days of loneliness. am always with u. =) love u!!!

the long awaited. in less than an hours time is the start of the final match of world cup. italy vs france. have been keeping myself updated this whole month.. staying up late to watch. and also betting. and also new aspirations. lol. i'm gg to miss world cup once it ends.. but i await the next one in 4 years time.. by then, i will becoem a bookie. (oops.. not supposed to say in public. later get caught, based on this statement) lol.

things will end. eventually. but that doesn't stop me from looking forward to the arrival of new things. looking forward to my dreams. new hopes. and new drive. my shit motivator is right... i do need to self flatter at times. to keep myself going
if i dun, i will find it really tiring working so hard cos i will feel like i'm not making ny progress so occasionally its good to flatter myself abit. and also work hard and play hard. i ve a goal already. tt's when the full force of drive comes in. =)

i love tsubasa!

amelia is in hong kong now. and i bet she's enjoying herself big time! i make sure i go on a big holiday next year after i graduate to spite her while she's in uni. i'm jealous mans. i hope she buys something good back for me.. a watch?? may be fake.. but if it's so real, i would gladly accept it. hahha.. nd her last msg to me was on sunday early morning tt she hate france.. i concuseed after tt night's match tt i only saw her message the next afternoon. so i cannot reply... but here's the reply... i like france!! dun hate them. realised we always like different things?? but it's quite cool lah... cannot imagine us liking exactly same stuff. bet we wun be this close if we do.

and the reason why i'm even talking about her is cos here i am studying for my test tmr... tt i cannot stop my mind from thinking wad a good time she's having over there. and i cannot help it when my heart turns green upon that thought. i'm so tired.. i dun feel like studying. i wanna sleep. and tmr got match.. lol.. world cup is totally turning my life a little upside down. but it's well worth. 4 years once.. lol.. maybe next 4 years.. i take one month off from work to watch. if it can ever happen. oh wait.. wad i toking about. of course it can happen... i'm gg to be my own boss. right amelia?? see.. i'm thinking about her again. ahha.

bd.. cf... matches.. ea... i wanna clear all these!! and on top of it all. i wan to sleep!

waking up in the morning with you beside is something i can definitely get accustomed to. doubts and insecurities are always cleared with every single one of ur embraces. right now at this very moment, there's no doubt a bit at all.