the power of friendship and extent of concern does not come from words but actions instead. thanks once again for this wonderful bunch of girlfriends i have. thanks angel for her little whistle and that lucky moon charm and thanks boon for her hu shen fu. you guys are really sweet and thanks for the little gathering we had. i feel loved!!

now we know i'm not who you want
i should let you go

off to china!

very tired. my eyelids feel as heavy as lead and are threatening to close on me anytime...

rushed vcds till 4:30 in the morning. i like the show so much that i could not bear to miss it during my days in china next week, so i rented all the vcds and finished them in one shot. meeting at 9 this morning. was supposed to wake up at 7 but i overslept. when my mum woke me up at 8, my mind went into blank for 10 seconds and the first thought tt came into my mind was am i late for an exam!? lol~

3 meetings in a day and a jab to end things off. my arm is aching a little now, feeling heavy. is my reaction slow or what ar.

feeling so darn bad this week. trying to meet up and keep all my promises and as well as get ready for my trip and ensure everything is in good hands before i leave singapore. all these are making my head spin so fast that before i knew it, i'm like totally packed with activities. maybe this might be the last time i blogged before i leave... or maybe not..

goodnight to myself.. zzz

i hate days like these. concrete flat broke days. how terrible and pathetic, without money to even travel to and fro. now... where did i spend all the money this month? on the drinks and all? i dun think so, but i dun recall feasting that often either. money always disappear mysteriously.

so i await the beautiful children's day, which marks the first of the month as well. as a lump sum cash would come rolling my way. i better start scrimping and saving a little. i dun wanna be so pathetic this month end anymore. tuned in to star movies the whole of these two days and watched many many old movies. since when did angelina jolie starred in so many of these shows and boy, her image in the past was not the least bit appealing to me.

brand new day, saturday. decided to start it off with a jog in the morning. den i'm going to make my own breakfast. den darling angel would pop by and we'll head to toa payoh together. and due to my craving for steamboat.. i might make my way to marina again.. the smelly stinky place. but tis time. i would be so much more prepared. when money comes round the corner, leona's mood hightened. =) i'm already loving october.

13 hours of sleep and i woke up to a minor hangover. looks like i'm going to stay stoney for the rest of this beautiful first post-exam day. but oh wells... yesterday was quality time spent.

yesterday marks the end of exams! like finally.. but i've got lots of other things on my mind to settle at the same time so not totally free. anyway... went home after exams with the intention to bathe and change and EAT something before i head out. however, a certain someone talked to me till like wad... 3:30 and i'm supposed to meet my friends at 4:30 in town. rushed like mad after hanging up the phone, no time to bathe. could only do the necessary before i went out.

headed to town to catch corpse bride. had to grab a quick bite because my gastric is acting up again. though the pain did not totally go away, but it didn't hurt as much. i was craving for oyster omelette badly thus, we went to chomp chomp for dinner. ahaha~ didn't know how to go there from town so we took a cab.. 10 bucks.. damn ex.

chin, yan and i had a mini feast at chomp chomp mans. oyster omelette, clamps with chilli, stingray, sugarcane drink, hokkien mee, dumpling soup, chicken wings!!! and dessert. maybe i ate too fast or something, but my tummy wasn't feeling very well all this time. but the food was goood... realy goood. after our dinner, went 7-11 to get drink. we sat at the benches and started drinking.

by the time we're leaving, i was really feeling unwell. think i went too easy on the drinks and drank a little over my limit plus my tummyache. after last night, i swore that i'm going to cab home everytime i drink over my limit. the whole train ride is so uncomfy.. the urge to puke was so strong. i'm glad i could make my way home still, safe and sound. came home, did the necessary and collapsed on bed.

till now.

angel darling... jia you!! run for ur last lap now and go all the way... i believe in hard work pays off.. so ya. all the best!!!

cooked breakfast this morning. 2 eggs, 2 sausages and because i don't have bread at home to toast, i steamed 2 baos instead. i must admit, it looks pretty hilarious when i placed them on the plate. it's fusion, western plus eastern breakfast. it's yummy but i guessed all the food has digested because i'm feeling hungry now. very hungry.

this is the thing about staying home alone but i guess i rather stay hungry than have company still. switching betwwen online pool and fa. when i'm tired of studying, i'll play pool and when i keep losing, i know it's time to hit the books once again. nothing much memorised.. guess i might not get my 8 hours of sleep tonight. my healthy lifestyle is falling apart and i know it and i guess that's it. no more explanations.

like i said, it's time to straighten things out. i wish i could do what you could do. but fact will always remain a fact. i can't do it and it's already fixed. nothing's gonna change again. this is it.

when i woke up this morning and pieced my broken illusions back to a piece, the image of my dream came alive once again. i thought those previous visions i had before were haunting but this was even worse. i admit defeat. just for a moment, i let my pride and ego down, for myself. indeed, lies are meant to be discovered. i'm not good at lying to myself after all. thought i could do better than this and that this treatment can last longer but at the end of the day, it remained a pack of lies behind those delusions.

i spent the time questioning myself. what is it that i cannot face. is it the big R or losing the big thing. do they mean the same after all. i can never unlock this chain and i'm not trying hard enough to. ironic it may seem but nothing is making sense these days. at times, i feel so short of breath, so lack of space yet this vast area seems so big alone. contradicting thoughts never leave me. they stay close to me, driving me to despondency.

i need a change. faith is all i've got.

my stained hands and soul will never make me the same before. desires surround me every now and then and i have to fight them alone. this will be it and this will remain it. period.

this hurts. it really does. i would be fine if i noe the hurt is worth it and tt i wld recover, but i see despair, i dun see any hope and yet it still hurts... owww....

a tiny dosage can last me slightly more than a hour. this is more than enough and it's only a luxury tt i allow myself once in a while. not very healthy i would say.

and my previous entry seemed to have cause a little commotion among all horoscope. lol~ for leos... how shld i put it. either we become goood friends or enemies. leos with leos are very extreme. either black or white. no grey areas allowed... =) do i answer u, evelyn.. ahaha~

everytime when darkness hits me right into my face and gets me down and all, i've so many pairs of hands reaching out to me. sorry for making you guys worry, i'm fine. because nothing will get me down. so no worries. and jie is right.. i've control over my own life. no one but myself controls my life. must be due to the upcoming exams and some happenings around me that almost threaten to take over my life but ya, thanks for all those hands. ahaha~ i'm a survivor.

i really do believe in things like fate, predestiny and horoscope. i believe in all the timings and signs in life. lol~ maybe that's why i feel that it's not a coincidence that all virgos in my life become such important people and how much they mean to me. and i always have a soft spot for virgos too! it feels like no matter how hot headed i am, refusing others, virgos have the capability to make me listen to them. okok.. maybe it's just such a big coincidence but i've already 3 such virgos in my life. and not forgetting saggitarius... lalala~

today's mooncake festival as well as the 49th monthsary of boon and i. this year, the urge to celebrate is strong... got yan and chin to come my place. anticipating lanterns, mooncakes and fire! ahaha~ no books today.. giving myself a break to pamper myself and get myself back to the right mood.

nothing get this girl down anymore.

as the loneliness sinks in once again, the girl questions her existence. if things always turn out in a pattern that she could already forsee, why did she plunge in again and again. don't she deserve something more? maybe this is the fairness that's supposed to be.

as the night drags longer each time she lay in bed, the emptiness she felt gets stronger. fond memories rush in and out. pictures forming in her mind over and over again. pictures that were torn, dreams that were broken returns to haunt her each night. why issit the same old dream, she wonders. no one can answer, no one can wipe away the tears that threaten to brim over her edge of eyes. and all she could do is lie still and allow the tears that always promise a better tmr to flow. she did not even attempt to wipe them away as it would be pointless anyway.

even when the night turns into day and the sun attempts to shine in her room. she shunned it all away. she grew to like darkness, allowing the dark to haunt her. no amount of sunlight can penetrate through. even when the sun attempts to dry up her tears, she refuses it. she remember reading it from somewhere that in order for wounds to heal, she got to open up forthe sun to come in. she knows this theory very well. but too much sunlight scares her. she's not prepared because she believes that the sun will set and the night will fall again. she has reduced herself to someone who believes in vicious cycles and she's in a cycle that she can't get out. no matter how hard she try.

how cruel life may seem but she held on and move on, blocking a certain part of her away in the day. sometimes if she's lucky, she would be able to block it off at night and sleep dreamless. a missing piece of jigsaw will alwys remian missing. when it's not there, no other pictures will be ever complete.

now she just want those haunting dreams to leave her. it's just too much to bear for someone like her. waking up in sweat and tears. but does she really want those dreams to leave her? because it's only in those dreams that everthing is perfect. perfect life. if she had a choice, it wld be exactly wad happened. thought she noes then ending of this story, she wun regret becasue regret is never in her world. that's the only thing that helps push her on.

maybe one day, she will grow to love sunrise and the person she's going to share it with.

a reminder to myself in case i forget... she's returning.

evelyn... why is it that i dun get to catch u online? want to discuss some stuff with you leh....

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Ring out the bells again.
Like we did when spring began.
Wake me up when September ends.

Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars.
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are.
As my memory rest,
But never forgets what I lost.
Wake me up when September ends.

Summer has come and past.
The innocent can never last.
Wake me up when September ends.

Like my fathers come to pass.
Twenty years has gone so fast.
Wake me up when September ends.

i want ur blessings very much because apparently when i looked back, you've not approve any of my relationships.

i will admit that i'm proud and egoistic. i didn't dare verbalise any thoughts or feelings i had since then. i'm just afraid that once i do so, these thoughts will become a fact and i will look down on myself once again.

and this is really the last thing i want to do right now.

habits are hard to change and hard to kick.
sometimes, people misled themselves into thinking over reliance is love.

on a lighter note...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIE!!!

hope u are having fun over there. i love you.

lots of emotion flooding through me. the start of the month, especially this september. resolutions made due to the upcoming tests and exams. and a small part also because of this day.

just imagine. one year has passed since this day last year. how much things around have changed, how much people have changed and mainly how much i've changed. a girl in the past, who was blinded and saw nothing except "the one" has became someone who see beyond that and more into the future and what lies ahead o her. she has also not failed to notice friends who stood around for her, hanged on and waited for her to realise she went on the wrong path and not giving up for her. i thank god for people he gave me as friends.

all these emotions actually came from a direct mail tt i've received yesterday from jie send all the way from australia. it's so sweet of her and i was truly touched. nice bdae card and though it came late, brought back lots of memories. immediately, i sent her an email. today when i turned on my computer, i actually received a reply. and as i read, i couldn't help feeling tears brimming over over the edge of my eyes.

so jie, if u ever got to read this particular entry, i want to tell u thank you. that period of time was the worst period a girl like me ever experienced. only child who is totally spoilt, never knowing what's failure and being abandoned. that came as a downfall. i learnt to pick up myself after the fall, i learnt to appreciate people around me and u are one of them. i wasn't annoyed with u tt time. i noe u mean well. it's me. so tt's why i thank everyone for being there even when i got myself deeper and deeper into the pit.. u people never let go of the rope to help me back. i'm sorry if i disappoint u at tt time and i'm also sorry to have made u upset. if there's a regret, this would be it cos i only want u to be proud of me. being an only child, u came the closest and almost like an elder sis to me and tt's why, i always feel so loved and not the least bit lonely. is because of u and deb. thank you. u make me miss u soo much cos i can always whine with u... hee hee... and i would always love u and continue making u proud for having a cousin like me! =) miss u lots. and love u!

so much in me that words can no longer express my thoughts anymore. if i were to pen them down, i would be boring every reader that stops by.

i believe that only true friends tell you things that even you yourself cannot see and i'm glad that everytime i got devoured into the darkness, i've friends at the edge reminding me who i am. thanks guys.

i've forgotten when i've lost that touch of it. was it because of the cruelty that people call life or is it just me. what i clearly know is that i don't want to live this way anymore. she's right. sincerity is what others should be treated with. no one likes to live in a made up world, no ones like to be treated with fakeness.

i don't want to lose that glow that i have. i want to resume my dream. that little spark tt others call silly in the past. so wad if it's not practical but at least i noe i will be happy doing it. so this should be it-- move one. everyone needs to dream about the impossible. this is the only thing that keeps one soul alive. i dun wan to own an empty shell. and now i do see the path ahead of me.

ya. this should be it. this is wad life is about. i dun want to be beaten by the saturn and devils who always tempt me into their world. sometimes, i succumb to all the internal weakness and allow them to do so. i know what's important. even if i have to swallow everything by myself, i want to own that beautiful dream. i'm ambitious. i knoe it. i like it.

the nerd and the rebellious 

once again, i wish to stress the word responsibility again. not a big word but one tt carries alot of meaning to me. maybe in singapore, we dun readily accept responsibility. people still needs to take the initiative and not always expect that of others. if i don't do it, does it mean no one will? come on.. no one is indispensible. don't make me feel this way. i'm not even asking too much am i, just take pride in our work. does the word belonginess and ours mean anything to anyone anymore. is ok to be laden with work and all but it also feels good to know that there are people by ur side. the load weighs down much more when one becomes an independent party.

maybe u're right. anger has to be curbed but i've already gone beyond wanting to flare up to total feign ignorance. tt's the worst case i tell u. do not test one's calm water. ripples form and storm follows...

come on. i'm surviving on a very thin thread now. so thin that it can be snapped so easily. quit stepping on my toes.

sunflowers from my girlfriends~!! notice a little champagne rose in the middle? that's from my nu peng you. =) 

flowers from xm for my bdae! ~sweets~ 

every 18th of the month is special to me one way or another. a simple message shows care even though little contact is being made. a little message can brighten up my day and brings a smile to me.

so tt's wad makes every 18 august even more special! i would like to tell boon boon... HAPPY 4TH ANNIVERSARY! we've made it this far and i promise you that we will make this last forever. ur call last night made me realise how precious and dear you are to me. one phone call and i've regained all lost energy. you really really brighten up my day. i'm glad i have u by my side and i want u to be by my side as long as it goes. until u meet ur macho man also cannot abandon me! words no longer can express how important you are but it just tooka phone call to remind me all that. regardless whatever it is, i love you! please... stay happy for me. i want a bright and cheery girlfriend noe! ahhhahha... good luck for prelims and everything else.. dun be so stressed too, k... and lastly once again.. love u to bits!