It's the last day of 2004. Many things happened. Had my fair share of happy and sad memories. Some memories that I still smile to and also some I rather keep and lock them up somewhere deep in my heart. New school which I am still adapting to. I won't give up no matter how tough some days may be; or how much i don't understand a thing about what the lecturers said. New year, new start and of course I always like to start my year with shopping! New template to begin my year with too. Thanks everyone who has been worried about me, who has been affected by me. In anyway that I've failed to do my part as a good friend, I offer my most sincere apologies. Bad memories has to go away and it's you guys around me that make it easier for me. I thank God for having friends like you all. You guys are really great. I thank a special someone out there who has been there through out listening and just simply being there, i promise you I would pick myself up from where I fell. No more signs of weakness from me. I too can be a survivor. New year with a new goal and new wishes. I simply hope I can still pick up from where I left off without much difficulty. But even with the difficulty, I would still hang on. Humans are not perfect, they make errors on the way. What matters most is you know where you go wrong and start anew, bearing in mind never to repeat them again. Survivors are people who pick themselves up after they fall and I want to be one too. And once again, thank you all my dear friends. Whether you know it or not, I really do appreciate all of you. God is fair and he always is. I love you guys. Muacks! Have a nice year ahead and keep me in your prayers while I'll keep you all in mine too. Hope everyone would stay happy and this is my new year wish.

i made this discovery long time ago, didn't bother me that much then but someone reminded me again now and this time, it really hit into my heart. leona=alone. the letters of my name can form the word alone. it's fated. people always say fate can be changed and this is what i say to others too but bullshit, it's so hard to change fate. so difficult, so torturing that it ends up hurting you more. i really hate x'mas. period. and this is the finaly conclusion. everyone out there are happy, with their beloved. so many couples out there that it makes me sick. why is everyone so goddamn happy about x'mas except me. why is everyone so fucking living in bliss except me. fuck, someone just take me away so i don't have to face all these shit.. somone just come.. please.....

Not very long ago, there was this 17 year old girl.
She was thrown into the deep end of the pool and she didn't know how to swim.
She struggled.
She thought she would die.
Then, she gave up totally.
She wanted to die.
As she sinked deeper and deeper into the pool, she realised how stupid she had been all this while.
There were floats around her to keep her alive but she chose not to see it.
She finally saw the light and she decided to give it a shot.
She struggled.
She reached out.
The float was just within her grasp.
And she got it.
She's saved.
However, it would be a long long time later when she would dare step anywhere near the pool again.

i can see my own damn flaws getting bigger and bigger in front of me, causing myself to see a very ugly side of me every single day. and it just don't get better. is rejection that difficult or is it just my own poor will. all the ugly evil creatures are eating me, biting me slowly and it hurts. it has always hurt. i've said once, i prefer hearing things being spoken to me rather than feel the things happening in front of me. because words do not lie. they are just thrown in front of you whether you like it or not but feelings can be wrong. i do trust my own instinct but they always tell me something negative... so i choose not to trust them. i want to hear it for myself. and true enough when i hear it, i don't like it. this sux.... it still hurts. ya, because i am young... whatever. this is not going to affect any part of my life. i can still do well in school, be a good friend to others. but leading a close to normal life doesn't mean it's normal. it's only close. and even if i m not wallowing in self pity, it doesn't mean that i stop hurting... wounds have not heal and already fresh wounds are up... what's this.... what's all this about.

seeing everyone living in bliss and contentment makes me wonder what's the true definition of bliss. i thought life was a bliss for me. i thought i found my true happiness but fate was cruel and unkind, it had to take everything away from me. leaving me nothing but a broken heart. i hate to admit this and i don't want to but i truly m*ss her. i know things are not the same for us and they never will ever be the same again but my heart refuses to listen to my head. my head always tells me to think logically and act practically but i was given a very rebellious heart who choose to let itself be shred and torn by the person i l*ve most. sometimes in my child-like mind, i asked myself why am i not chosen. why am i the one being abandoned. this black and dark pit feels so cold and empty. it's so cold in here. i just want to be someone by your side and to stay with you whether you are happy or sad, i guess it's too much to ask for. why say i am making assumptions when sometimes, your action already speak louder than words. your action tells all, i just chose to live in a world of deceit. here in my dark pit, i am surrounded by artificial affection and action. though not real, each and every thing that's passed to me slices my poor heart up even more. as this girl here sits in her pit, waiting for her only sunshine to come rescue her, tears well up because she knows deep down that her only sunshine would never rescue her ever again like the way she did long ago. memories of the past flashes back like it just happened yesterday. so, what's the real definition of bliss?

have you ever stand in a crowded public area and feel like screaming your head off at no one in particular? i have. have you ever wish for something so hard that you thought you might just die from wishing? i have. have you ever felt as if you simply have no control over your life and that you are just somone else viewing your life? i have. i don't like all these feelings.... i hate it. everyone says i am stronger or that i will get better. and i should take things as it comes. do they know how i really feel? it's ok. no one understands and i don;t want anyone to understand too.. what's the point... even if someone understands, i would still have all those feelings mentioned above... and everything still hurts alot.

everyone gives in to temptation at times. I am no exception. and i paid a great price for it. there are marks to prove it but whatever that's outside would heal. i am not sure about the inside and believe me, i don't care anymore. if this is what everyone wants to see on the outsider, then so be it. i can give it to them. it is easier to be a crowd pleaser, at least you know what to do. nothing can be tougher than dealing with yourself. no wonder there's da old saying. your greatest enemy is nobody but yourself... seriously... nothing can hurt me more than myself... and maybe it's down to one sentence. i don't care anymore. it doesn't matter whatever happens... this is fated. this is my goddamn pathetic life.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Looking into your eyes
I see no retreat
I see no backing away
All I see is the ugly truth you've brought to me

It doesn't matter how much I despaired
how much I care
The truth that you've brought to me only tells me
That there's no turning back

I see us in the future
I'm willing to be your one
I want to be by your side for as long as possible
if only you'd let me

I've given you my heart
only to be trampled on by you
why are you so cruel
to leave me alone

I pray to God that one day i would heal
but before that day arrive
I find that I may never feel
all because I love you so real

I've tried and I've given up. I told myself to move on and forget. I told myself not to look back. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to force myself to forget anymore because the fact is i can't. why bother to force myself when at the end of the day, I still see tears rolling down from my eyes. I am tired of pretending i am ok. I don't want to let those people who care about me down. I really truly want to tell you all I am okie and mean it but i can't. I can't stop the occasional tears that threatened to roll down. I suddenly want to question, what have I done to deserve this. Have I not been nice enough.. or have i not done enough charity. all I want is to be happy.. am i asking too much? why is happiness being taken away from me just like that. I dreamt and painted a beautiful picture of us in the future... why is it so easily destroyed. why am i not the chosen one. is it too much just to ask for happiness. I won't even be greedy. I just want a little bit... a little bit. i promise to be a really good girl? dun ask me whether m i ok anymore.. am tired of hearing that.. cos i really dunno what to say.... this is so difficult...especially when i m ill. why must i fall sick when no one's by my side to take care of me... i m not strong... though i really want to be... i really am not strong. you made me strong and proud to be living but you took that away from me. you made mi live with you beside me and now you choose to walk away. in what way m i not good... all my hopes and dreams are crushed. i want to do well and pursue a good career in the future with you beside me. encouraging me, supporting me. i've got pretty much nothing to lose now. why must this happen to me. came across this word, recluse. am pretty much like one now. this hurts. every single day i breathe, my wound just expand summore... hurts like hell.

who ever said that being bad is very easy is lying. what happened to the guilt department? I'm pretty sure that part stands a very big portion in everyone's heart. of course, I am not inlcuding those heartless people. how bad I want to get, I can't be. sad to say, I might truly be a good person right from the bottom of my heart. I am not saying being bad just means stealing, robbing, smoking and drinking. That's only on the surface... people who are truly bad do bigger things.. like terrorists? or people who plot and scheme against others. I want to become like that too but before I can think any further, I got stuck in the guilt department as usual. I can't plot. I can't scheme. maybe that's why i can never win. I am just too nice for my own good. this is just one of my weakness... there are actually more. can't afford to say it all at one shot. if i do, I would just have to kill myself at the end because I am too ashamed to face the world. This sux. and it's been long since i said it. Life sux.

F:

You've come upon a Rough
Stretch. Canyou make it through? You've come upon hard times.
Things aren't looking so goodto you and your life has seem to collapse into a
downward spiral. You've lostyour way and can't seem to find the right path to
take. You are probablydepressed and feeling lonely as you've lost sight
of those who love you. You maywander through this road with a few others like you
and are able to comfort themas they comfort you, but it is not enough. You've
lost something, maybe someoneclose, and with it you lost your faith in life.
You're probably confused andunsure what to do next. But the way will become
clear eventually. It alwaysdoes. This stretch that lies before you seems
never-ending and not worthtraveling. But don't let yourself fall, you may
have stumbled upon this,but pick yourself up as best you can and hold on to
that little bit of faith youhave. The road isn't as endless as it seems. All
things, good and bad must cometo and end. This too shall pass and you'll be
amazed at what good lay beyond itif you just find the strength within yourself to
try and make it.

we broke up. woah, I am amazed that I could even bring myself to type these wrods. but anyway, it's a fact. I've done everything a woman can possibly do when heartbroken. I've cried. I've despaired. I've asked God why is it so unfair. I've asked everyone is it my fault. I've been blaming myself, blaming her. cursing and swearing. and last night was the final straw. It just serve no purpose if i keep complaining to my friends.. keep crying to my friends, keep telling my friends how miserable i felt, i need to tell this to the person who caused it all and ta da, i acted like a crazy woman on the phone last night. I just kept scolding her without any hold back. it just came all out.. all of it.. the tears, all the words. what's the point of keeping those words to myself anymore when i can't even retain the heart. I know one fine day, i m going to wake up and realised how stupid i was to do such a thing. and what a disgrace i was but it helped. alot. i really felt much better. but i am still not ready to see her or hear her voice or anything. not ready to hear who she might like.. or who she have a crush on. it's just too much. so ya, i need time. when i am ready, i know i would be a much better person. yan say i am a strong person. am i really one.. i really got to find out myself.

woah. all the accumulated small sickness here and there finally lead to the final breakdown. was running a temperature of 39.5 degrees and it stayed this way for half the afternoon. actually, was feeling a little sick, had cough last night. i thought it would go away, but it didn't this morning. moreover, i was feeling freaking pissed off this morning. went to work, my cough didn't get better... wasn't soo angry but still didn't feel good. den came the last straw. just when i was about to leave work for home, which i simply can't wait, the rain came.... it's not that i didn't want to stay there longer to wait for the rain to stop, but i had nothing to do even if i stayed down there. so i walked to the mrt station in the rain. almost died when i was jay walking. mi slippers were so slippery that they came off. right in the middle of the road! gosh.. i had to walk back to the middle of the road to retrieve it. den and there, i thought i would die... but this is nothing compared to after i came home. was feeling very very miserable.... and terrible... no appetite... and like m coughing and sneezing non stop... temperature as high as ever.. i really thought i would die? cos like i was literally burning from the inside.... and yet at the same time, felt sooo cold... gosh... i m such a weakling... i know that, so i don't need anyone to remind me that, thank you very much. *sneeze and sneeze*
~am on a medical vacation~
might take a long time to recover... but.. oh well....

just woke up not too long ago. it's always at other people's hse that i can sleep in for so long. it feels good. everything feels good. it feels good that jie is finally back! ahaha, had nose bleeding last night. damn scary.. and those 2 heartless cousins of mine sae it's a usual thing for me so they totally ignored me.. hmph! could have slept longer today but i woke up because mi nose bleeding started again... woah... must be really heaty. had very nice dreams.... *smiles* things that can only happen in my dreams now. things i can only hear in my dreams now. sigh. being in my cousins' hse brought back lotsa memories... though all of us are different in some ways or others now, there are still some factors that will not change. no matter what happenes, we wld still be together and i know they still love mi. =) thanx everyone for being there physically or mentally.. wadever it is.. u guys have been great. at least i am not alone. i know i will never be right... =) jie is back... and she's looking for a job.. mi the other cousin will only finish her o levels tommorow. and after that, she's gonna be soo busy. that leaves me, still soo free.. hanging around... well, at least i have a job... lalala.. life still goes on... here's the old line from Johnsons' and Johnsons'--- no more tears.

i am totally shattered.

what a rainy rainy day. the end of my jeans never seem to be dry. was feeling rather uncomfortable yesterday, took panadols and went to sleep. had a rather good sleep, so good till i was late to meet xuanming. we are meeting the rest of them at ps to watch movie. okie.. here's the thing. i watched shutter with them today. leona went to watch a scary movie... wad an achievement yea? ahaha, everyone please sae they are proud of me... however, half the time i was covering my ears and another half covering my eyes. i dun really dare to watch the screen as a whole so i watched them from a corner of my eyes or something. anyway, i m very irritated with those 'kids' sitting behind us.. scared then sae scared lah.. a while scream scream abit.. a while giggle soo much.. den keep kicking the chair.. wahlao.. they are damn noisy and annoying lor... grrr.... after the movie.. we headed to the cc for the kindergarten graduation. lalala.. it's finally the day of graduation.... very noisy... with parents all around.. sum kids playing loudy... sum kids crying.. for wad i dunno.. ahaha.. many problems cropped up today.. such as the stage curtain could not open... it was really rather embarrassing.. cos the mp was sitting down liao and we took a long time to figure things out.. had to push forward sum other items... ahaha.. den it was the snow white skit... haik.. their voices can't even be picked up by the microphones lor! haik.. luckily the dance turned out fine... and i even shook hands with the mp todae.. the doctor vivien sumthing... they gave us a token of appreciation.. a gift from body shop.. ahahha... cool... i m starting to miss those kids... it's always like this... few months of practise all for one night.. and it's gone just like that..

i have no idea what is going on but my body is feeling damn hot and i m feeling cold from the inside. my head hurts and da same goes for my feet as well. i can explain why my feet hurts though. today is the first day of mi work, stand for a rather long time. actually, this is nothing compared to those daes where i had to work at the food court.. i mean wad.. i had to work 12 hours. i guessed it's just that it's been so long since i worked... have been slacking and lazing around.. and tt's why now just start working.. a while tired liao... need to get used to working... can't blog anymore... mi head really hurts and m really feeling hot... i m not sooo pathetic right.. where got work one day sick liao...

happy birthday charmaine! that ger ar, got alot and alot to tok abt.. a slightly better version of cf. ahaha, a rather packed day. woke up early this morning and headed straight to the kindergarten or rather the cc as they are having a full dress rehearsal there. woah, very hectic.. eveyone is very frantic.. not very organised and as u can imagine, putting soo many little boys and girls there, the amount of noise level you get. you can't hear very well in there. hmmm, the items that we are in charge of didn't turn out very well and we wun have another rehearsal anymore until the actual day, m afraid it wun come out well. i mean what does it reflect on us. haik, wld see how it goes on friday. i m actually anticipating that day to come. another function that can dress up a little. wooo... =) after the kindergarten thingy, rushed back from buona vista to have organ lesson.. and after i came out from the showers, she already reached my place.. and by the time the lesson ends, i need to rush to bugis to meet the rest... note that from morning until 5 plus in the evening.. i did not eat anything! and mi transportation fees increases rapidly! after meeting all of them except the bdae girl of cos, we went straight to buy birthday cake and flowers... and then yan, cf and angel headed to phin's while boon and i waited for charmaine to reach bugis... i waited and waited and my tummy growling and growling. after char arrives, we rushed to phin's. nice place. but i waited for a very long time before mi food came and hello? i m the one who did not eat a thing since morning.. i waited almost a hour for mi food.. luckily, i also ordered a mushroom soup that came earlier. it was a mega talking session with charmaine taking the lead.. i dun mind cos didn't really feel like toking much.. too hungry u see. den pic takin.. forgot to bring my samsung fone there... wad a waste! sang bdae song.. ate cake.. and we are ready to leave... hanged around at bugis with char and yan while the rest of them went home first. the 3 of us soo poor thing.. with blisters on our feet.. ahaha, vain mah.. 3 of us wear heels! mine not soo bad as yan and char wan.. and then fx came to pick us up and send char and i home.. lalala.. save $$ on transportation... =) soo here i m home.. ready to bathe and watch my show.

charmaine and me.... though not perfect bodies... but close lah.. hor?? ahaha