firstly... sincerely speaking from the bottom of my heart.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMELIA. so sorry tt i did not remember at 12 midnight. but still.. i wished u!!! i will make it up to u sometime sooon. dun be angry with me, k.. and dun disown me, k??? =)

today... HAPPY CHILDREN's DAY!!! want to buy tt boy something but dunno wad. how should i spend tmr.. putting bd one side of course. lol.. i'm procrastinating. i noe it and yet i still do it. something i dislike caused me not to want to do it or like it. but it's all mental attitude and it can be changed. i know what's my biggest problem to work on for pschology class already. i wanna change n alter my mental attitude. i like bd.. i wan to work!!!! i wnt to work for it. till the end of this last sem in school.

seriously, the most bugging problems i ve in mind is after graduation. study first? work first. if study... do i even qualify for a uni. even if i so lucky, do qualify.. study wad. den next, working, work as wad. quite interested in being a secretary. it's like pop.. suddenly this thing just come into my head. and i'm quite hot about it. maybe it will die off.. i dunno. my future.. is a blank. black blank.

i like to see my week planned out nicely. this way, i can anticipate anything. good changes in between is ok.. but not bad ones. they spoil my week like anything. i also say i want to grow up quic. to get out of the hse, to earn my income. to start out on my own. to only ve myself to listen to and not the naggings of my mum. maybe it's a sign like how i always believe? for me to be able to catch tt show on tv and tell myself never to rush into any stage of my life. the bad thing about life is it can never be repeated but the good thing is tt it doesn;t ve to be repeated if we lead it well. i thank god that whenever i m lost or very stubborn into a thought tt i neglect everyone ard me, he always show me some signs. oh well.. i will want to think it's his works. it's signs. he noes i believe in signs. =)

so.. happy meal tmr? happy is wad matters. right?

Favourites
favourite colour: White
favourite food: Fish beehoon
favourite song: All Fish Leong's songs
favourite movie: Click
favourite sport: Jogging
favourite day of the week: Friday
favourite season: Autumn
favourite ice-cream: Ben & Jerry's marcha mellow

Currents
current mood: Light-hearted, happy
current taste: Prawn noodles
current clothes: Looney tune shirt and shorts
current deskstop: Some xp default wallpaper
current toenail: No colour
current time: 14.12
current surroundings: TV and clicking of the mouse
current annoyances: BD and future.. work or uni
current thoughts: have to go fight evil monk.. sians

First
first best friends: Joanne Chua
first crush: The pair of twins who live above gm
first movie: Jurassic Park
first lie: Something about coming home late in pri sch
first music: cannot remember

Lasts:
last cigarette: none
last drink(alcohol): beer
last car ride: when edwin drove me and eve to acs
last crush: should be nic
last movie: John Tucker must Die
last phone call: From my boy
last CD played: Jay's latest


Have you ever
have you ever dated your best friend: no
have you ever broken the law: littering and stealing when young
have you ever been arrested: by the provision shop lady
have you ever skinny-dipped: no
have you ever been on tv: yes.. that dreadful chi variety tt i was commented fat
have you ever kissed someone you don't know: this ans has to be no

5 things you are wearing: White T shirt, Blue short, pink undies, black scrunchie and brown hair pin
4 things you done today: Brush teeth, eat, play jx2 and watch tv.
3 things you can hear right now: Clicking of mouse, tv and the fan
1 thing that you do when you're bored: play jx2

i wonder where's 2?

the first tuesday after school started. it started with knowing about temperaments and ended with psychology. so much of understanding human behaviours and also understanding how my mind works. in the near future, i will be able to understand myself better, know how my temperaments work. with other people around. how i can get myself better, how i can blend in with people. how i can make relationships work. i hope to gain alot out of this. and certainly the part about knowing myself.

gonna get busy. i can see it. everywhere is bumpy and hurting. i got ulcer.. i got papercut. hurting here and there... knocking everywhere i go. gosh.. wad a klutz i am. i dun like this... grrrrrrrrrr

why issit that they can be happily ever after. it irks me like crazy. this is so unfair. let me die in my own self pity...

dead

feel free to use my tagboard as a chatroom. two things. first can liven up my tagboard.. second i also can read wad are u two talking about mah. ruina sounds familiar.. ve i seen her name sumwhere. in angel's blog? or somewhere else.

school's starting tmr. no more lingzhier for me. maybe a while at night. but i dun think i would ve the time. sad to sae.. never do much on my fyp also. people who read this.. shhhh and dun tell anyone, k. =/ a good thing is i finally managed to slot in gym timings. things are starting to get on track and the train's going off already. i guess with school starting, maybe i can blog more. cos no more lingzhier wad. i will miss her.... ahahaha.... there's still sat night though..

this time round with school starting, i dun ve the urge to buy new bag or any new stuff for school. feeling so broke that got no mood to go shopping or whatsoever. siansss.. when is october coming. tmr's amelia t's bdae!!!! angel.. if u read this.. remember to wish her, k!

it's been quite some time since i last slept early. think tonight will be the night. i will leave the girl there to mine the whole entire night and see wad she gets in the morning. anyway.. kong.. u are getting more and more addictive i reckon. seriously.. somebody stop her. at least i ve self disipline.. right right!!! so amelia.. ve u figured out who's kong. angel.. u started playing already?? i can be ur shifu. apart from the virtual world one.

sometimes out of the blue.. i ve some questions tt always dun ve an answer. like in our neighbourhood, when there's a whole nest of red ants being disturbed and there's a large group of them on the street.. who is the one tt clears them away? cleaner?? road sweeper? if it is.. how do they do it? is really a large nest of red ants.


so about my photo taking.. we can always start soon.. like our usual fridays. but i m feeling fat and ugly.. so.. hmmmm.... nonetheless.. hols coming to an endd.... grrr. =/

wad's the best way not to spend any money? the right answer is to stay home and play game so tt's wad i ve been doing. unhealthy sitting down the whole day. till my legs and back ache.. but wad to do, i'm cashless mans. i can only resort to doing this. entertaining with money saved. really detest this kind of feeling. yuck...

things are more or less in place now. it just needs some direction and planning and also some organisation

and dal.. i really did spend my life savings.. 99.99999%

hey hey hey... here's my entry once again. am sorry to keep u all waiting and waiting.. really sorry. ok.. shall update on wad i have been doing these days. or rather most of this holiday tt's gg to end in a week's time.

well.. i admit i ve been neglecting this blog. all i do when i oome online is to play games. been pretty hooked to this new game.. yea.. angel is right. my pretty lingzhier. ve been playing all night.. cos in the day is my boy's time. laptop has been down since the first week of the holidays.. but now, it's finally repaired. have been using his laptop this whole holidays tt it felt wierd using back my own laptop. the difference in screen. the size and all.. my laptop is soo soo puny as compared to his. i feel so funny.. staring at a much smaller screen. and i mean.. it really seems like a much much smaller screen. but all's well and fine. my laptop is repaired. just ttt all pictures gone.. hey girls.. let's go take more pics. i need more memories!!! i need i need... and also lost some collage tt i did.. cos no more pictures. and also my music. and also some wallpaper. alot alot alot!!! grr... but i'm happy my lappie's fine and working. tt's impt.

so.. i've signed up for a gym as well. with my life savings. no exaggeration with that. seriously, it's life savings. once again.. pls donate to the leona funds. it's depletinggggg..... =/

ate grouper today. we cooked. since soo logn since we ate homecooked. sick of promfet so we decided to try grouper. big.. thick and ex. ahahha.. we are supposed to be saving money but wad the... it's sunday. sunday shall now be named as splurging and enjoying day. the rest all eat bread!!!

happy with my little update?? last week of holidays.. date me out mans.. or no more. =)

back to gmae

thanks girls for ur concern. this past week of so called holidays have really been tough on me, for some strange reason. cannot really enjoy. date me out please... bring some enjoyment to my life before the school starts. think i might suffer from serious depression without something happy now.

daddy like little boy like tt.. went supermarket and spent 80 bucks. i didn't actually see it but mum claims tt he keeps throwing things into the basket. keep taking.. thought tt was pretty cute. but mummy very angry.. cos end up. she is the one who paid the 80 bucks. den ar, daddy got fine 30 bucks. mummy got even angrier cos she sae he ratehr pay gov than split the ntuc bill with her.

it's about money again right....

as the only child, i'm given the attention that i didn't know i desire. as i grew up, the attention i was always given seems to come so naturally that i didn't know i actually desire them. now that it is taken away from me, i realised how much i so desire. when i was young, i wilfully think that how can anything else be more important than me. than wad i want. than who i want. and yes.. of course, so naturally, what i want and who i want comes to me.

i never know that how selfish this kind of thought is until i fell in love. cos something tt i thought always come so naturally, which is something i so desire, is so hard to get. why am i brought up this way. in this environment with people sheltering me all the way that i dun even know that falling is pain and unbearable. and how to pick myself up. but of course, i learnt. i finally did. so naturally once again. i thought i've become stronger and much better than before. at least i noe falling hurts but i also noe how to pick myself up. i thought nothing can beat me again. i mean even if it does, i will noe how to handle it.

but... i guess upbringing goes right into the roots way deeper than anyone can think of. cos i'm being so protected once that i forgot there's many other ways of hurting besides falling. there's silence, there's abandoned, forgotten, loneliness. so many other feelings, so many ways of getting to me. i'm supposed to learn one by one.. how to get up from one by one. one single one by one. every single one.

whose fault is it here. i want to noe. but after getting answer.. where do i proceed from then... so lost. so sucky.

slight more than a week since holidays started. my mood hasn't got better. worse? i hope not and i don't want to admit it either. not to myself or anyone. i just dun wanna think that a precious holiday will be ruined by bad feelings. i just want to enjoy myself during holidays. is that too much to even ask for?

today's sunday. rest and relax. i'm gg to plan out a nice week ahead. notice.. i have to keep saying i just want.. i'm gg to. why do i feel like i'm just trying to convice myself.

urrggg...... i hate this.

it's the holidays and the start to my screwed life. well, i shouln't put it tt way. however, i cannot describe it better any other way. nonetheless.. i will stay positive. laptop's down. gotta get it done at the cost of 80 bucks. mum's on leave. painting the whole house, making me smell the poisonous air. the start of the month never comes. lack of cash, making me even grouchier than i already am. fed up, hot tempered, plus the weather's not helping. i feel so..........

i won't be surprised if one day u chose to leave. cos if i were to look back, there were many times u could have already said bye.

oppressed, defendless.

i hate this. i hate u. i really do. i'm never good enough. dunno issit for u or for others to see. i'm never good enough for u to praise. i'm never good enough to u for others to see. i'm not good enough for toehrs to see. i dun even understand why should i have to put on an act. just so tt others would see how good am i. i did one thing.. u never notice.. and u tok about the rest. no matter wad i do... it goes un noticed and i hear the same old song again. so is now even if i d or not.. i still have to see ur un satisfied face. who's not getting a life.. who's not getting good relationship with others. why does it always have to be u right and i wrong. why issit tt u have to always look at me and show me tt un satisfied face. i never felt this for a long time already. but i'm tired. u dun even noe the whole picture. and yet u can come out with ur own version? wad the... u ve ur own version... so do i. u think i'm horrid.. so do i thin kabout u. why do u always have to do this to me. wad's wrong with u. no.. or should i sae.. wad's wrong with me.. i'm not good enough issit? u need someone better?? i'm so tired of u'.

í'm so tired of this house and this family... i'm tired.

the word frequency kept coming up in my head. thanks to chin. she brought the word up and i cannot stop using it. it's like chin and my common frequency would definitely be food related. other than tt, we ve no other frequency tt is connected. lol.. is like.. i might say i can do do this myself.. it's really ok. really.. and she would sae.. yaya.. i understand.. but yet, she would still come over. lol.. okok.. this is our joke.

watched break up. wanted to catch it alone. so glad i did not. i dun like the ending. they really broek up!!! =( every show tt i watch seems to evoke lotsa emotions in me. yes, i'm being all goeey and emotional yet again. cherish, treasure, appreciate. wad is the meaning of all these words. maybe to a certain extend, i cannot use these words as yet when i couldn't do so myself. and why is it tt i haven't reach tt level. am i expecting too much, hoping for too much. or am i just never satisfied. i dunno. all i noe is i fear and tt fearing makes me feel like i lost. the battle. to myself. i fear myself. i'm starting not to understand tt tangled mess in me again.. like in the past. i'm being pathetic all over again. pathetic with a capital P. oh.. how great to start the so called fulfilling holidays tt i so desire.

first thing to do: cut my nails. and crash and burn neopets. lol.

received something sweet in the mail today. =)

"mei mei bei zhe yi ge tan ke qiang(che)?!"

this is my birthday song. my 19th birthday song.. dedicated to me by those dear girls of mine. well... how special. luckily, i get to hear the original one tt normally people hear as well. but anyway, thanks girls. thanks for this mini prelude. i'm so glad i ve u guys in my life. =)

thanks to those who remembers my birthday. a wishing message simply made my day. i collected quite a few smiles today already. i'm so blessed. indeed i am. i thank god for all these people in my life. i really do. it's always on this day tt i feel ultra thankful. birthdays will never be the same wthout all of u guys. and we will ve a long long way down.

thanks for all the gifts.. and eve.. u got one of my email wrongly.. i dun have any yahoo ones. and thanks my boy... for the gift. i can see the effort and i do appreciate. thanks.... i still want tt watch!! lol.. here he will sae i m thick skin again... but oh wells.. it's still MY BDAE!!! i call the shots!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!!!

i declare the best place to study would be airport. i can concentrate the best there and study up to 5 hours straight. but one thing's bad.. i have to constantly worry that people would chase us off. i can be really thin skin when it comes to such things and today.. we did got chased off. when the person told us we cannot study there.. i literally cannot wait to get my butt off that cushy seat and disappear. it's the weekends... too bad for us. but luckily.. ronald opened his arms widely to us.. and we sat there for as long as we liked.. and the staff even offered us plain water. lol... i was surprised.

i should think fia is to be feared more than ea. i think the paper would be sly and cunning.. hard to predict. ea's all there.. depends whether u want to put in effort to study or not. well.. i fear fia. alot....

i always like my birthdays celebrated in a happy, crowded and merry way. in pri sch and sec sch... it always coincide with exams or tests. that's why when i come poly.. i was so happy.

but looks like my wish will not be granted this year.

happy birthday, singapore! happy national day!! amelia.. are u out on an oh-so-hot date now?? with one person extra? why u never reply my message this morning?? too busy dressing up!?? hmmm.. now i know what will my girl be like when she gets a bf next time. i will be so dumped. =/

2006 national day... i received a bottle. to symbolise a promise. 2006 national day... we ate soggy fried rice. lol... this is indeed a good story to tell in the next few decades to come.

maybe i was in the singaporean mood. i decided to play monopoly.. the singapore version. hmm.. am i good or what. buy my boy lost to me yet again. i think i made him damn demoralised cos of it. he sae it seems impossible to play monopoly when right from the beginning he noes he will lose. lol. i understand how u feel. i really do. maybe when i get the fifa wc version.. u will do better?? cheer up mans!! =)

this is soo sooo coool... gives me power. thanks angel. ahahha

http://leona.youaremighty.com/

thanks to those whom have been very concerned with how my studies are progressing. it's fine. maybe a little slow.. but still fine. thanks!

i hope to be able to finish quite a bit of studying tmr so that maybe i can go watch fireworks not only tmr night but also on national day night?? hmmm.. but me alone study finish also no use. i need that boy to finish too. dun want him to always feel so obligated to do whatever i want or to go wherever i want.

airport is such a god place. =) i can't wait for tmr.... =)

i'm so into boardgames lately. i just went into yahoo auctions and i saw so many nice monopoly boardgames. with so many many editions. i'm so into monopoly nowadays.. there's the disney version, star wars, hongkong, new zealand, surfing, mouintaining, racing.. so many many types. i want it all mans... i'm gg to be a monopoly collector.. but they are already 90 yrs old i think. i saw they have a limited 17th yr anniversary edition and also a 70 yr one. woah.... they most recent one i saw is the wc fifa monopoly edition tt i think is simply soo sooo cool. my future hse must be big enough to store all my monopoly game sets. right now.. i already ve the singapore and the normal one.. i aim for more more more.

in edition.. i saw this boardgame and popular at tampines mall.. dividends. it's a stock mrket board game.. i think tt's soo coool as well. am i mad or wad.. but all board games are so so cooool. i wanna collect collect collect!!!!

anyway.. thanks amelia. for everything. i love u...

dalala dalala... lol.. this is dal's nick but i'm using it to express my feelings instead. anyway, welcome back amelia! i'm like always welcoming u back these days?? can u stop going away. at first i didn't noe u are going camp. as in i forgot... den i was like thinking eh.. these days how come never see amelia online. until i talked to samuel. then i remembered u were at camp. but dun get me wrong. he wasn't the one who reminded me. i remembered coincidentally when he was toking. anyway.. as u can tell... u were our conversation topic on one of the days. lol... dalala dalala. hey.. thought u were supposed to message me one of the days?? u sae u were selling something? hmmm...

great day... the second part was. my high spirits definitely has something to do with the weekends are coming nearer, projects all cleared. =) wanted to eat at new york new york today as i promised him to give him a treat. but it seemed crowded.. with lotsa reservations signs on the table.. so we ended up at suntec basement.. walking one round and decided on swensons. and with gelare as desserts... ahahah.. time passes so fast... and i guess both of us are really tired... with little sleep these past few days. so here i am home now. supposed to be waiting for his message.. but i think ar.. he fell asleep already.

i need a few things to start my revision soon.. like new pens.. files.... yes.. revision is something tt cannot be pending.. i got to start soon. so that i can enjoy on my birthday.

dalala dalala... =)

suspended in the daydream, you twist and tear.
Adorned in the colours of your destiny.
A lie to prevent the loss of your precious
Somehting is lost to a lie
A frayed edge betraying your deceit
All at the sight of one phrase

i've been immersed in the world of ratios, p/l statements, balance sheets and cashflows. and finally, i'm done. hmm.. i won't say it's a piece of work that i'm proud of. but like what dal say, it's the effort he's looking for right. please please.. see my effort mans. i can you tube earlier. like tonight??? lalala~~~eveeeeee.. are u jealous?

i can't wait for tmr to be over and done with if anyone knows what i mean.

maybe things are looking better for me? i certainly hope so.

i'm so glad i decided to meet up with my girls after all today. i'm actually in my best mood now ever since the start of this week. maybe it's the tgif thing but i'm sure our usual friday night in with the guess show helped a greal deal. i'm feeling alot better than any other days in this week. thanks alot girls.. although most probably, angel will only read it. never mind, help me convey to the rest, k.. i really appreciate it.

very very much appreciate all the little gestures of concern i received from pple. really. this week has been rough for me. my morale has not been this down since a long time already. downcasted like the grey skies threatening that a storm's ahead. moods to the very extreme big B-- bad. and really sorry how badly i may ve mistreated my boy.

i ve to admit, i'm pretty lucky through out my entire life. i knew that when i came to deal with the fact tt i cannot handle stress. simply speaking, i break down. needless to say, someone who still has difficulty managing stress and anger suck most at handling something tt i cannot do anything about. people always sae we only learn to treasure things when we lose them or in jeopardy in losing them. i totally agree. but on the other hand, if i never go through this, i would not noe how to treasure or even learn how to. it's a must go through process i would say. this week has really been rough and tormenting. it became clear to me tt i started rejecting helping hand and support tt it suddenly occured to me tt i'm recoiling. away from life, away from pple. this is so familiar and once part of my life. but i met friends. i met pple who changed my life. so i ve no intention of repeating tt part of myself to disappoint pple whom care for me and whom i care for. so i reach out to the many hands available. and open up, it's a good start isn't it? or i would start living my life like a recluse all over again.

so it's another learning lesson in my life. no biggie yea? i certinaly hope i can handle it. so i still say i'm so glad i had my little gathering with my girls. it's really the thing i need before i drop.

it's a turning point. it definitely is.

i cannot help but think what a lucky girl she is. i know two things cannot be compared. but it's just a thought. her love never hit her hard on the head... always cushioned back by his love for her. if only i was in that shoes....

nonetheless.. it's just a random thought, on a random night. i'm a big nana fan all of a sudden. angel.. if u see nana movie... the girl who acted as nana.. sux!! she's just not cool enough to pull if off. she went as far as trying so hard to act cool only. =/

amelia.. at camp... jia you!!!

 

my frozen roses 

i'm surprised to see angel's little message and even more surprised to see the time she typed the message. i mean.. hello girl?? aren't we supposed to watch the guess show together tat that time!!?? naughty naughty.. doing it right under my nose. but i'm slow enough to find out only now... lol. anyway... here's update.. in case girls out there nag at me once more.

today is my chinese birthday!!! dunno why but it seems like a big deal to me this year.. usually, i dun even care. maybe cos today marks a special day as well. anyway. early in the morning.. mummy cook mee sua for me. to think i thought and trusted that her mee sua improved.. no more use spoon scoop that type. today is the same thing again. i think is cos she added alot of ingredients. that's why. the noodles seems so much, the ingredients. which totally suck away any soup that's remaining. but anyway, thanks mummy. it's nice to eat. i finished everything, k! and even wash the bowl and clean up.

after which, i waited for my boy to come. he said he needs to come over my place to put something in the fridge. and also partly cos he noes that i wun get ready so fast. come to think of it.. i took like at least more than an hour to get ready today, right? anyway.. i can't sae i'm surprised and clueless that's hé is giving me something today. or else i will totally sound like some ulu pandan pumkpin.. acting all innocent and retarded at the same time but i must admit. i didn't expect him to give wad he give.. i noe it will be related to flowers.. but yet.. i just cannot put the pic together until i saw wad he did today. i even thought he's gg to use the bottle to put a rose in and deco or something. but none of the sort.. he gave me frozen roses... it's really unique. even better if there's nitrogen liquid... but nvm.. i really apprecaite it.. =) it's pretty. i'll take a pic of it later. thanks alot.

after which, i planned a day that will fully make use of all 4 trips of our mrt concession and a dinner and tiong bahru and then esplanade. it was first to town to walk walk.. den to tiong bahru.. den to city den back home. exactly 4 trips. lol.. i thought rajainn close down... but they didn't. in fact.. they kinda revamp the menu a little.. and buisness look not too bad. den rooftop at esplanade. finally.. can go there as a couple, instead of being one of those people who go there make noise and disturb couples only. but nowadays ar.. rooftop at esplanade is nothing already. it's crowded with muds.. making a whole lot of noise.. oooh... not to mention, i ate nice yummy waffles today as desserts!!! yaynesss~!!! little boy.. promise me more of such days will come, k?? less of stuck home days... =) oh.. and let's visit more of marketplace too!!!?? i noticed we got alot of things to put in "our home" next time yea. ahahha

oh.. eve.. i saw the evil woamn and sad boy couple today. he's even carrying her bag for her.. handbag summore. speaking of that ar, i really think woman who wants their bfs to carry bags for them are wierd to the max!!! it makes ur bf look henpecked and not the least bit macho, and not only that, how heavy can a small handbag be? i'm not even toking about bag.. i'm toking about HANDBAGS!!?? and if that puny handbag is tt heavy.. DUN BRING!!! grrr.

ok. enough updates?? =)

hello update :)

-gel

my shit motivator is back! and just like i told her, she ges all the bad things out of my system and out of my life... keeping me fresh to await for new stuff.. nutrients. lol... i wanna graduate!! and join u sooon! maybe after we hanged out more.. i will become a regular shit person already. right!!?? meet up soon. i wanna see my disney products! and phucket tibits!! i love my shit motivator. and please, my dear girl, although ur new life will start again pretty soon. like a new chapter.. i'm not just any old chapter.. but a bookmark for u to bring along in every other new chapters u go to. so dun forget me in days of loneliness. am always with u. =) love u!!!

the long awaited. in less than an hours time is the start of the final match of world cup. italy vs france. have been keeping myself updated this whole month.. staying up late to watch. and also betting. and also new aspirations. lol. i'm gg to miss world cup once it ends.. but i await the next one in 4 years time.. by then, i will becoem a bookie. (oops.. not supposed to say in public. later get caught, based on this statement) lol.

things will end. eventually. but that doesn't stop me from looking forward to the arrival of new things. looking forward to my dreams. new hopes. and new drive. my shit motivator is right... i do need to self flatter at times. to keep myself going
if i dun, i will find it really tiring working so hard cos i will feel like i'm not making ny progress so occasionally its good to flatter myself abit. and also work hard and play hard. i ve a goal already. tt's when the full force of drive comes in. =)

i love tsubasa!

amelia is in hong kong now. and i bet she's enjoying herself big time! i make sure i go on a big holiday next year after i graduate to spite her while she's in uni. i'm jealous mans. i hope she buys something good back for me.. a watch?? may be fake.. but if it's so real, i would gladly accept it. hahha.. nd her last msg to me was on sunday early morning tt she hate france.. i concuseed after tt night's match tt i only saw her message the next afternoon. so i cannot reply... but here's the reply... i like france!! dun hate them. realised we always like different things?? but it's quite cool lah... cannot imagine us liking exactly same stuff. bet we wun be this close if we do.

and the reason why i'm even talking about her is cos here i am studying for my test tmr... tt i cannot stop my mind from thinking wad a good time she's having over there. and i cannot help it when my heart turns green upon that thought. i'm so tired.. i dun feel like studying. i wanna sleep. and tmr got match.. lol.. world cup is totally turning my life a little upside down. but it's well worth. 4 years once.. lol.. maybe next 4 years.. i take one month off from work to watch. if it can ever happen. oh wait.. wad i toking about. of course it can happen... i'm gg to be my own boss. right amelia?? see.. i'm thinking about her again. ahha.

bd.. cf... matches.. ea... i wanna clear all these!! and on top of it all. i wan to sleep!

waking up in the morning with you beside is something i can definitely get accustomed to. doubts and insecurities are always cleared with every single one of ur embraces. right now at this very moment, there's no doubt a bit at all.

is this the end?

the stretched piece of rubber band, sometimes a little over-stretched.
when would it break?
the water at 70.
when would it boil?
the unawaken fiery deep within.
when would it wake?
the tests and trials right in front
when would i fall?
the uncomfortable weather
how long can it be used repeatedly by escapists like us?

all tensed up for the match right in front but all emotionally choked up right inside. everytime i am down. i never fail to read the scrapbook made by those angels sent to me by god. i know behaviour not allowed. it even used to be a taboo. cos i'll end up just hurting myself but i'm falling deeper into this black suction call habit. i know i'm a bad girl. i know i only pray when i need to be consoled. can i look for excuses such as getting back at wad i deserved. i know the answer. and that sonner, everything will surface. something's got to go. someone got to cry. and i'll end up standing alone in the dark, seaching for that light i so longed for once again.

is this the beginning of the end...

school's starting pretty soon. there goes my enjoyment. quite stuck to youtube. okok, to a particular pi-in-training out there, u will laugh. hooked to youtube. why does it sound so familiar. yea.. holiday's ending. hmmm... didn't do much. but i'm not guilty about it. i need to enjoy before i start to pia right?

i told you that you didn't love me yet you insisted. i tried to tell you that you didn''t understand love at all. and yet u insisted. u made me believe you. then with a blink of an eye.. this had to happen. i'm not surprised because i already know you didn;t love me the way you thought you did. so why do i feel they way i am feeling now. totally disappointed with my own trust and instincts. shouldn't have believed you right from the beginning. right.

watching germany vs sweden now. i love sweden. the guys. but i know germany will win. they already scored 2??? anyway, i like germany's jersey. =)

testing my memory.. final 16: germany, ecuador, england, sweden, mexico, argentina, brazil, france, italy, spain, ukraine, ghana, switzerland, portugal, holland. cannot remember the last one... hmmmm..... too lazy to check. =)

when i read it one year ago, i cried. when i watched it now. it still hurts so much tt it makes me cry. the pain that he has to go through. imagine someone u love so dearly completely erases u out of his/her memory. i truly admired the way he dealt with it as well as his willpower and courage. it's not always weak to cry... sometimes, you need strength to cry when you want to. to be able to cry when u need, is a form of strength as well. i remembered learning this hard about one year or more ago.

it's not about looking back anymore. it's looking straigh and focusing when there are more important things to be done. this is where derermination sets in.

yawns. another night of tiredness... totally skipped soccer last night. but not tonight. am gg to catch all matches. there's japan.. and my fav. goalkeeper. and also brazil. tonight's matches will be exciting.. winning or losing determines whether they are in or out.

as much as i wanna watch soccer, i need to tune my body back once again. if this goes on when school starts, i will only freak myself out with stress... self inflicted.

it's already the later part of week 3.. which signifies the end of hols. i dun really want to be reminded of this.. but cannot help it. every single day tt passes without doing anything constructive bugs me. i need my day to be well spent. this also shows that the up-tightness of my emotions towards the start of school is. woah.. pressure pressure. all self-inflicted.

ever since tt silly amelia is bad, she's speaking something foreign tt i dun understand. lol.. back to the days of toro here, energy there. now she's torres here.. spain there. amazingly.. why all the guys u like all start with t one ar. maybe her bf next time will bear the name of .. terrence, hmm, am at a lost. no other t names... but she ar.. still a dreamere. sae she wanna learn spanish to communicate. she's crazy.. speaking a torres crazy lang. which i dunno and dun wish to learn. ahahahah... when am i ever like this mans. but anyway amelia.. u are being missed. missed watching soccer with u. if only those matches u were away and we watched together... got so much to sae den and there.

i totally concussed last night. this is what happens when one gets too much of soccer. within one week or 2 weeks, i dunno how many hours i slept only. i'm sure it's below wad my body needs. dun really like the way tonight's soccer is arranged. 2 matches at a time. meaning constant sqitching around. and further more.. there's still the 3 am one. england's playing at 3 am!!! must climb up to watch once again. luckily i slept early last night or else that boy wun let me watch tonight's matches.

amelia!!! ever since u left.. i got soo many things to tell u. actually, it's only on tt day. sunday's matches tt i got stuff to tell u. decided to blog it down in case i forget. that first match, japan vs croatia.. did u see.. there's this couple there. jap pple.. and they carried a sign tt said.. we are HONEYMOONERS!!! ahahaha.. already got pple do le.. so urs not tt special anymore. hmmm.. come to think of it.. i cannot really remember wad else i wanted to sae. i noe there are others. hmmm.. nvm. if i can remember, i'm sure my this over-developed brain will be even more developed.

and lastly... calls out to angel!!! are u ok???? hmmm.. ever since u went malaysia, u seemed to ve disappeared. wonder where u've been. heelllooo!!!!??? suddenly quite worried u see.... let me noe if u're fine.

after beung half dead yest, decided to go out today. to catch a movie and eat jap food. have been craving for jap food for quite some time already. so ya.. =)

it's burger day! something angel said today made me laugh. she said i've evolved from the pasta girl i used to be to wad i am now. hahaa.. evolved. wad a word. like how she combined the word hevoc and yu le bai fen bai and said chin wants to hevoc with yu le bai fen bai. chin is a ugly girl today. wearing her nursing uniform throughout the day and washing the dishes for me. she really look like a maid. silly girl.. wad's ur name u wanna be called again? aminah or something?

my day is always a cycle. it starts with late night den waking up at 11 due to some messages tt made me either too excited to sleep or disturbing. and den.. dragging out of bed.. and then around 3 plus 4, late afternoon, i will be tired. and then when it passes 7, i'm hyper and alive once again. till the late night cycle comes back down on me.

i realised i'm in need of clothes and accessories, but i'm too lazy to shop? any solutions to this girl here who wants a new bag, a new belt, new clothes, new jeans.. basically.. i want new stuff. yet am too lazy to shop or try clothes. i'm deprived of new clothes mans. somebody is bound to laugh at the size of my wardrobe sooon. =/

argentina just scored 2 goals in 30 mins. they seemed diff from wad they were like in their first match. stronger i would sae. they are gettting better.

we're going to the zoo zoo zoo
how about you you you
you can come too too too
we're going to the zooooooooooooooooooo

i must remember to ask amelia whether she's happy next year. this particular day and time... =)

and i'm sure u will, girl!

ALICIA KEYS

"If I Ain't Got You"

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

soccer is so much more fun when u hold a bet. be it with the market or with ur frens. it just makes it 100 times more interesting. not tt it's not interesting. but things do get a little repetitive when no one scores a goal or when goals seem very little. exactly like the matches the night before. some matches can really be exciting to watch. and some can be boring. like the one my tv is showing now. tunisia vs saudi arabia. holds a bet with xm. and we both lost. cos saudi scored!!! grrr.... sam is right. the ball is indeed round. hahha

okie.. as u guys might ve noticed. am a little soccer fan these days. or will be for this one mth. am willing to sacrifice other stuff. serious. i'm world cup fan. not soccer fan. even went down to singapore pools to place a bet. crosses my fingers. hope i can win something. it's the achievement.

anyway, thanks for these past 2 days or less. i do feel better. and feeling better makes me good. and if i feel good, u will too right. hmmm.. how should i put it? it always feels good when doubts are clear and the sky is blue again. all the disturbing thoughts and feelings will be gone so as long as u are here. behind me all the way. okok. side by side. lol. i've learnt to cherish and ask for less. i just want to preserve this feeling with me and smile upon it when i look back. =) thanks for making me part of ur life.

do i sound like a certain pumpkin? please let me noe if i do.. i am a little paranoid. worrying pple might be callign me a pumpkin too. haha. anyway... pple out there reading this. need a little favour. if u are interested in helpein.. lol. wad a way to put it.. anyway, msg me online and only online. thanks. =)

my first time staying up the whole night to catch 3 matches. all in one go. woah. all cos my boy stayed over to watch it with me. first match.. korea vs togo. sam and i predicted 2 for korea and one for togo. spot on mans. too bad i didn't bet. it was not too bad a match except the fact that, and amelia will agree, no cute guys to oogle at!!! second match france and switzerland. i predictied 3 for france and 1 for swiss. but it was so disappointing. nil all!!?? how can this be. sam even bet with me 4 to one. very sad. who the hell sae france is good? or is swiss good at defending. usually after the second match of the night, i will be dead tired. but i was super hyper last night. pple like my mum and amelia, all skipped the second match in order to watch the last one. the brazil one. and i have to wake the both of them up. even my boy fell asleep and he kept on nodding off during the game. and tt's why the ten missed calls to amelia. and congrats, girl. u won 2 bucks!! ahahaha...

guess it was rather disaapointing. expected brazil to score more than one. but it was just one to zero. sigh... no wonder tt boy keeps noddding off. but nonetheless.. watching soccer is fun. and if i bet... it would be twice the fun. which tt's wad i'm gg to do tonight. hahhha....

am tired. after 3 matches and only 5 hrs of sleep. zzzzz

 

white horse. pretty. but boy prefers the black one. i didn't take a pic of it. 

  

i finally went to zoo with the small boy. thought he might feel quite obligated to go cos i wanted and he didn't seem super enthu or excited the day before like me. but glad tt u enjoyed.. u did enjoy right? at least enjoy the company.. not the smell or the trip or the heat. but really hope u did enjoy. more of such trips to singapore tourists attractions can come next time right? anyway.. i kinda regret not buying the white tiger soft toy.. i wan the innocent eyes and the pretty white fur...

anyway.. watched mexico vs iran last night. mexico was superb. 2 goals straight mans. they scored one and i was busy typing to amelia cos she couldn't watch the match and den before i knew it.. in a blink, they scored another one! and den i was joking with my mum, iran is going bomb up the whole place cos they didn't win. cos iran is a terrorists country. and silly amelia, kept dancing the meixco dance. whatever tt is. and claims tt she's hot stuff. okok.. i proclaim. my ten yr fren amelia is hot stuff. do keep a look out for her. lol!

so i had to wake up at 9 after the match which ends at 2. couldn't get to sleep last night. toss and turn a while. damn tempted to watch the 3am show but i noe i was store energy for today. so ya. slept. woke up and make sandwich. just realised tt making sandwich gives me a very xin fu feeling. issit cos i'm making for someone special or issit just the making of sandwich. i think it's the latter. cos i simply enjoyed the process of making, thinking of nothing but the sandwich. lol. but never mind. i gave him xin fu feeling eating it. so it compliments.

so to the zoo we head. arguing on the way where to take to. amk or cck. in the end settled for cck. not very difficult to go zoo after all. and to think i'm near xin's hse. which means i was one end away from my own home. had lotsa fun today. though with the heat and all. walked quite alot summore. 2 rounds around the zoo. wanted to save money so didn't buy the train thingy so we walked. ahhaha. how to be white white like tt. but it was really fun!!! =) especially with my excursion little boy. okok.. he's so gg to kill me. but muacks!! as much as u like to tease me, same here. so we are fair and square.

back. dead tired. and struggling to watch my matches summore. japan's goalkeeper looks like good husband material.. tt kinda cute. hahha. and sam just told me japan sux. okok.. usa vs cze. obvious. unless miracles.

maybe i needed more attention these days from u. tt's why the feeling emerges everynow and den. am i gg to lose u or am i simply leeting my mind wander too far yet again. oh wells...

 

my small boy on excursion 

 

trying to compare? no fight mans... 

  

 

pretty girl.. 

 

drinks he prepared. our water recharger of the day. 

 

food i prepapred. 

 

i swear he posed for me!! right? 

 

my fascination for the dustbins they have there... 

 

finally.. the zoo!!!! 

we are mean but i seriously cannot stand it. gosh.. that ah s*m.. she's one hell of a childish person mans. firstly, her password is childish enough.. like wad angel said.. i was really thinking it would be something like i love blah blah.. or blah and forever. u noe tt kind. but putting tt as password. is equivalent to the same thing lah. and secondly, every entry of hers is like.. haik. she reminds me so much of someone with one one person in her world. is like she doesn't have life anymore. and she like polo tee issit??? why is she wearing and wearing it!!! for some wierd reason unknown to others and myself.. dun like her. very very much. okok.. enough bitching session.

angel may be right. maybe simplicity is the best. maybe tt's wad i should settle for. simplicity. noting more complicated than tt would be just nice.

guys... regret reading this? this is how a girl bitches. mega time mans. lol!! anyway, am turning into a soccer freak soon. i also dunno why but just very interested to watch all the matches. think i better stop. for the sake of my rest and my work. =/ butttt.......

thanks joel. should be thanking u personally at least on msn. but i'm preparing to watch my soccer match. so ya.. i noe u would be reading this. so ya. thanks for the info. u're like my guaridan angel sometimes. hahha..

germany 4 to costa rica 2. woah. i'm impressed. didn't expect the latter to score two, and esp the last goal. as i was matching the opening match last night, this thought came into my head. i noe costa rica has pretty ladies but never knew their guys can play soccer. hahaa. wanted to watch the second match badly. poland vs ecuador that i even set alarm for one hr later after the opening match. but guess i was too tired. i pressed stop instead of snooze. which is why when i woke up at 10 plus this morn and realised there is a repeat, am thrilled. =)

can't comment uch on the matches. later pple laughed or kena bang so yea. but tonight there's an england match. want to watch. but since i promised amelia and this is summoreto make up to her, i wun initiate to leave. guess i'll have to miss tt match. haha.. but no shopping amelia... i dun like shopping anymore.

yea.. month of june when there is great singapore sale and world cup. and i chose the latter. ahhha. wierd yea.. but it's a cheaper hobby u see. i'm like this flat broke girl who cannot even be bothered to dress up anymore and tt explains why i dun really like to go out too. cos dun get to dress up, not pretty.. so sian to go out. wierd logic. but yea.

anyway, was watching SI swim suit competition last night. hahaa. when u put competitive girls together, it's mega bitching mans. it just so reminds me of other shows i watch with competitive girls. why are girls always like tt. hmmm.... watched the guess show last night as well. the white white snow white girls series. make me wanna be like them!!! i also wanna be white white too. fair fair. hmmm...

yes. maybe readers have realised i watched alot of shows last night.. i did nothing but lie on the sofa and hugged my pillow. eyes totally glued to tv. lol.

back to the soccer match. tata.

 

i know this picture is a little old but i simply love it. can't wait for the converse day den i'll take another decent picture of xcyflawx's shoes. 

i realised this blog gets abandoned by me easily and i'm actually depriving it of decent entries so i'll try once again. to revive it, that is. =)

this week is e-learning week. and i'm really listening to mr goh.. enjoying week. so i'm all out to enjoy. tried to do my stuff the weekend before and although there are not much stuff to do, it's always at the back of my head. telling me i'm left with this and that. and to spoil my enjoyment a little, he had to call me and tell me to get some work done. i dun wanna appear too irresponsible or too nonchalent about the project on hand.. but i want my quality time enjoying also. i promisedto work hard already so dun i deserve a little enjoyment? haik.. but never mind. will get things settled as soon as possible.

had my chalet. it's been a long time since i went chalet. i think the last time i actually went was 2 years ago on labour day. yan's chalet. and tt was like one night only.. cos the next day had to rush for work. how super sian tt can be so i'm really glad for this chalet tt i just had. maybe next time during every holiday, i must organise chalet. it's fun. it's just cash problems. but i look forward to the next one. i just have to organise it. things always dun get done cos no one step forward to do it and since i want it.. i got to do it.

2 more weeks to holiday. and tonight is the start of world cup. dun ask me why.. but it's so attractive tt someone like me is gonna get hooked onto it really soon. was watching news last night on korean students. dey are so crazy about world cup tt tey sae the sight of teachers remind them of soccer players and the sight of text reminds them of soccer i think. something like tt. haha... my mum and i were commenting tt once in 4 years.. it's really hot stuff mans. so exctied. when i came home from chalet yest, was surprised to see a big pin up of the scoresheet type of thing in my living room. pinned on the wall. all the groups' matches, who against who. lol... whole family. even bought a world cup related mag or something for dad as papa day's gift. he's gonna love me. i'm so lovable!!! ahahaa.... okok.. dun read tt. erase it now! lol.

must plan my next 2 precious weeks well. have to do my work. as well as play hard. i must really plan this holiday well and go gm's hse soon. she called and nagged already. hmmm.... maybe i should go next week. going zoo next week too. monday i think.. definitely ext week but pending whether issit mon.

home alone today. i miss tt smelly boy. but it's good tt i'm having some quality time myself. i mean we do need personal space here and there and time to ourselves apart from one another. tt's wad everyone says and indeed... i feel goood about it too. it's so long since i stayed home alone and it really feels good. the only bad part is i would be too lazy to go out and get food. and i'll just nua at home the whole day. just watched 3 movies one shot. 2 xmas movies and one martian one.. lol...

okok.. a long and decent entry. goood. more to come.. =)

3 DOORS DOWN

"Here Without You"

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right. But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check. In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it... You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

How Daring Are You?

AVRIL LAVIGNE

"Nobody's Home"

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Daniel Powter
Bad Day


Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

when i read, i really read. i put myself in the scene, in the plot. i feel for the characters, i feel their joy, share their smiles, feel their anger and understand it, feel their sadness and their heartache. i really can feel it. tt's how intense i read my comics. people may look at me and say, why bother to be so serious. it's just pictures, but i dun think so. and my emotions tell me so. i smile when they smile... laugh at their silliness, feel angry when things are not justified, fear when they fear and cry when i see them cry. it's the heart aching agony....

boon is right. either she and i feel the same about some stuff or maybe she noes me well. every page i flipped, my heart ached. every second i read.. the more i read, the more choked up i feel. it's hard to explain. i'm sure it's the comic. a big part of it tt made me feel this way. but this small part is calling out to me. don't ignore it. cos it wun go away. that's what it's shouting to me. maybe tt explains why i off my laptop... and lay in bed, thinking and thinking, and i woke up, switched on the lappie and started blogging. i just need to pen it out. in this case, type it out. i just need to let it out. but how... cos i dun noe how i started.

they sae.. the root of the problem is usually the problem itself. but wad happens when i dunno wad's the problem. i feel like some troubled teen. but i noe í'm over that stage.. tormented? maybe not tt bad.. somewhere in between? i've lost my soul. i'm not someone who will escape. i mean who am i kidding, that voice in me wun go away, no matter how far i run. so i decided to face it. but wad do i get? question marks? and more of them.. blanked. totally blanked out.

i have solutions to it. but i dunno how to go aobut applying. i'm afraid one wrong attempt, and i wun even dare to try again. i'm like going back to those days. pretense, false nonchalent, feign ignorance. there is something in me tt i've lost and i need to get it back. where. how? there are things lying in front of me to do. there are pple ard me for me to exend my hand out to. i'm doing everything tt i can. somewhere somwhow, not enough. i'm not trying hard enough. either tt.. or i've lost it. i dunno how to do it. i've lost it.

i'm not making sense. i'm getting incoherrent. tt's exactly how i feel now. but on a lighter note, i'm glad tt i ve who i ve in my life. dun doubt urself.

i've just got to pick myself up. tt's for sure.

but where. where did i last leave myself.... how do i trace back when everything has been wiped away like the traces i left in the sand.. being washed away by the waves.

where....

read through the scrapbook my darlings gave me on my last birthday. and somehow... feelings got evoked and i started to tear. how they stood by me.. how they tell me friends forever. i mean wad have i done for my friends this year.... god gave me friends like them.... but yet dun cherish... but tt scrapbook is good. everytime read already.. will be damn touched. i miss my friends...

this blog seems so dead. and is no one actually reading my entries anymore? why no one reminded me to blog.. or tell me they missed my entries?? hmph.... =/

life is one whirl of something not as strong as mess.. but not in order. things are going out of hand, phones are hanging on me. many things not in place... eyes hurting. i'm confused, i'm lost. i want to noe where i stand, yet i fear to find the truth. or rather dun dare. yes, this is my life for the past 2 weeks or so. and on top of tt, have been sick for 2 weeks. cough.. sore throat.. fever on a few days. feeling weak. headache more prominent. wad is so good about lfie anyway. oh, maybe apart from the fact tt i've watched movies on a regular basis. something tt at least i'm keeping on track on. going to watch xmen today.

having a sudden craving for new york pizza. i wanna eatttttt...... heart is aching out for food, or mouth to be exact. but my mind says no. one of those days tt i look in the mirror and see fats everywhere. ugly image and fat woman standing in front of me. grrr. it's just bad days....

what kind of an entry to revive the blog is this. is this why no one reads my blog anymore.... =(

You are a Romantic Realist

Okay, so you fall in the middle. You know that love isn't like a greeting card... Yet you can always find a greeting card to describe your feelings. You are the best of both worlds Girly yet independent, dreamy yet serious. Almost any guy can find balance with you.

Are You a Romantic or Realistic?

Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is

After dinner at your favorite restaurant, at the spot where you first kissed.

What's Your Ideal Marriage Proposal?

This is so silly... lol

You are a Look Before You Leap, Yellow Light Dater

When it comes to the dating game, you fall in the middle You aren't going to ask out any cute guy that comes your way That doesn't mean you're a total wall-flower though. You'll smile and flirt - for Mr. Almost Perfect. You're online dating style? You're wired to spend time reading profiles carefully Once you figure out what you want, you'll make a few connections

What's Your Dating Speed?

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Kalan Porter - True Colours

You with those sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Though I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can loose sight of it
And the darkness inside you makes you feel so small

But I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me your smile
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through

I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful
I see your true colors
Just remember
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
Just call me up because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors, true colors
Are beautiful
Beautiful
Like a rainbow
Like a rainbow

You're beautiful

Your true colors are beautiful

xm say it's an ugly picture below... maybe he's right. but i was really really tired tt day after playing badminton.. but anyway.. i do look ugly with spects.. tt i cannot deny. =/

 

angel is hidden in the dark... and i'm damn tired... close to 2 hours of badminton. look like dog. 

 

our victory... 36 go mans.... it's a record mans! yeah.. we rock! 

 

this is what u get after holding the badminton racket for so long... looks like disease. 

having ta early in the morning. oh well... i know it's not getting early. but i still feel sleepy. train ride to school never feel shorter like these days. totally occupied by Today. with the upcoming elections creating lots of drama... i'm just digestin all information i'm reading. exposing myself to politics...

can't wait for ta to end. i noe i'm gg to have a great day ahead. catching a show and later cooking the silly one. just hoping i can get exactly wad i want at fair price.

really wanna go and take a short holiday during the june hols. or rather during my one mth break. why issit that i ve no money in my rainy day funds? any kind donors out there? for leona's rainy day funds.

realised it's been so long since i last party or paint the town red. it's been so long since i last drank.... hmmmm..... kinda miss it.. dressing up and drinking.

better pay attention. =/

when words pour out my system and reflections are made, i see myself in the mirror and my reflection tells me that nothing has changed. i thought it was different or was it myself tt wanted the difference but i came to a conclusion. maybe due to effect of doing my bd, but i picture it as a business. like business, it can vary. it can have its specialty, it can be different from its competitors. but at the end of the day, it boils down to one thing and that is to make money. no matter how different a business is, it still wants to make money. i guess that's how it is. with me.. especially when i see no change in myself.

i faced this prob in the past, i face this problem now. how often can i rely on you. u were there in the past, u are there now... but who can assure me ur presence in the future. i feel bad in a way.. for always doing this to you. bet loneliness will creep in when u leave me. not literally.. but no longer have time for me. due to some reasons. but anyway.. thanks. wad are girlfrends for yeaaa... not to be too wad, but i thank god for having a friend like u. especially u. u are like close to family type.. my roots mans. so no matter how far i go, my roots still remain. maybe i need to change my mindset? but tt's wad i tell myself all the time... without actually fulfilling it.

somehow... my body system cannot take it anymore. so tired. in a non-literally way. lol. feels so good to get it all out. everytime without fail. i wanna get married at 24.. latest 29 since my 18 year old dream can't be fulfilled. sorry girls... no god children for u guys in the meantime. i bet i'm infertile. like wad yan sae lah.

i do ridiculous thing when i am not thinking straight. as usual. can't wait for may to come. focus focus focus. on wad's impt and wad's not and the rest. i'll leave to the divine one. yes.. this should be it. like it or not.. this is me.


eye infection seems to be getting better. but no contacts for me.. hmm. this is like a small impact of my life. but i guess i could adapt to spects. i hope.... a good weekend will wait ahead of me. tt i'm sure. i'm being positive here. it's all in the mind.


the blacks are freaking me out mans. dunno why with good effect these days. tt means no late nights and all already. where's my nightlife and all my enjoyment. maybe it's cause i'm losing a certain somebdoy.. tt's why. i feel the ga and the distant. so near yet so far apart.

i cannot emphasis how much i hate them. grrrr.. gets me all paranoid.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Physical Touch
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Physical Touch:		8
Quality Time:		7
Receiving Gifts:		7
Acts of Service:		4
Words of Affirmation:		4

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

BEACH BOYS lyrics - "Wouldn't It Be Nice"

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

i thought i was being emotional then, i mean with alcohol and being not at hm and all, and memories invading every space in my head every single day and images taking over my entire living soul. when i told chin about it, i think she thought i was being too emotional too. and i believed it. till today.

watched the show again and i conclude. i wasn't being too emotional then. i'm touched, genuinely.

planning gets messy. and plans dun get to carry out for a long time already. when when when will it happen. when will it actually happen. hopes get dashed and was shocked to hear tt it was a blow even. but somehow, we will gather soon and meet up real real soon, k. i promise to do my part. u guys mean too much for me to give up. i would lose so much so i would always take initiative to arrange, k. promise me u guys wun reject me too much... =)

sometimes the pain gets so unbearable tt i start to cry. it's the little girl in me tt never change. still remember when i was living with gm and i got sick. the pain got into me tt i woke up in the middle of the night and cry. then i will proceed to call my mum... and scared the hell out of her. imagine ur daughter call u in the middle of the night and start crying.. and only keep saying pain. this is an incident tt i will never forget. cos no matter how much disagreements me and mummy have or how not close we are. this is a mother-daughter thing tt will not change. instinct maybe? but ya... whimpering like a little puppy everytime i'm sick. when will this little girl in me disappear. somehow, i dun ever want it to disappear cos this is the only connectioni have with my mum now.

maybe right now, as much as i want to deny it, i'm just not strong enough to take care of myself. tt's why the little girl is still inside. as much as i wan to sae i've grown or become stronger or more independent, i cumble very easily. i feel so weak when i'm not feeling well. like sandcastle easily washed away by the waves.. when will i learn to stand strong and take care of myself? at this rate i'm going, i ve to depend on pple all the time?

m i not strong? i dunno how to take care of myself. will u take care of me? always..?

Whitney Houston and Deborah Cox - Same Script, Different Cast

[Whitney](Deborah)
Oh, hey, Deb
(Hmm-hmm)
Thank you for being woman enough to come
(Whitney, what's this about?)

I know he's leaving me for you
(Who said that, who told you?)
That is true
What is he telling you?
Could it be the same things that he told me?
(He told me that he loved me)
I heard that
(He told me I was beautiful)
Uh-huh
(How did you know? How did you know?)
Because I played the scene before

[Whitney]
This is a retake of my life
I was his star for many nights
Now the roles have changed
And you're the leading lady in his life
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now cause it won't last
Same script, different cast

[Deborah](Whitney)
What you're saying could be true
But how can I take advice from you?
(I'm not hating)
(But I wish the one before me would have warned me too babe)
Don't say no more, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
(Uncover your ears, girl)
I'm not listening, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
(But I know you hear me)
(Maybe my reasons are wrong)
(But I know that you believe me)

[Whitney]
This is a retake of my life
I was his star for many nights
Now the roles have changed
And you're the leading lady in his life
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now cause it won't last
Same script, different cast

[Deborah](Whitney)
It's your fault you didn't love him enough
(That's the problem, I loved him too much)
(And when you love him he becomes unattracted to you)
Oh no, he's changed and I'll prove you wrong
(No, you won't)
So go away leave us the hell alone
See, he loves me
(He'll hurt you)
He'll stay with me
(He'll leave you)
For sure, for sure, oh

[Whitney]
This is a retake of my life
I was his star for many nights
Now the roles have changed
Now, now, now, now, now, no, no
Now the roles have changed
Have changed, and I'm the leading lady in his life.
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now, because it won't last
No, same script, different cast

[Deborah]
This is a retake of my life
You were his star for many nights
But now the roles have changed
I'm the leading lady in his life
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now, cause this will last
I'm the future, you're his past

[Both]
This is a retake of my life
I was his star for many nights
But now the roles have changed
And you're the leading lady in his life
Lights, camera, now you're on
Just remember you've been warned
Enjoy it now
Enjoy this now
It won't last
I know it will last
Same script, different cast, oh

for a moment, i felt ugly. especially in front of u. i don't know why this is so but after talking to eve and she explained to me the difference of certain terms, felt prettier. much prettier. maybe somehow or another, i don't want u to see the ugly sides of me

i wonder if u knew i was like tt... why did u even fall for someone like me. but now i noe and i thank god for bringing someone like u into my life. feeling blessed and blissful every single day. i liked wad u did for my hair today.. hoping there will be more to come. makes me feel goood. maybe when i was still a little girl.. pple like my mum and gm will still do tt for me. now ar.. hard to find pple who's willing to do tt for me already. =) my current favourite days are monday and thurs and my boy should noe why. though these 2 days got BD... which i kinda dread a little.. but they are still my fav days of the weekdays... of course not including the weekends.. leona LOVES weekends.

i liked wad angel told me today. am gg to give it some thought amongst all the other things tt i'm thinking about. registered with an agency today. hope to hear good news of them.

went to buy honeydew today from the fruitful at tampines. auntie already knows wad we want. even asked why we so late today.... lol.. den this guy actually made fun of us.. sae eat honeydew.. tian mi mi all the way.. diaos.. but ya.. i'm building up a good r/s. for future reference. ahhha

an impromptu dinner which turned out quite ok, i would say. so as long as my boy says it taste fine and okie, not too blend, not too salty, then it's fine. juggling between so many things, thinking of this and that makes me tired. easily lethargic just the mere thought of that, but i have to perservere. went to watch eight below today. niceeee... highly recommended. =) last episode of my hk drama today, one tt i persue rentlessly everyday, rain or shine, whethere tired or not, whether how late the show is and now, it's finally finished. and it's nice... =) life can be this simple... yet....

preparing for my grade 7 exam this year. it's going to be held in november or so. i still aim to finish everything before 21. aims, goals and ambitions... these are just words. big words with nothing to support them. empty words. so much to express but can't seem to form them out in words. too tired, i supposed. tiredness is getting to me. and along with tiredness comes moodiness as well.

4 hours of break tmr. i wonder how to deal with it. sent a thank you card to kerin today and she replied. so sweet. =)

with people like you around, the more i want to prove myself worthy. you didn't offend me in any way, but that freaking attitude of yours i just hate. maybe it's not attitude, i mean, there's nothing wrong in proving your own capability or striving hard but it's me. i just dun feel good losing to such people. losing is never in my dictionary... it's okie if i lose in battle i dun care. i mean i chose to forsake the battle. not the other way round, so i'm perfectly fine with that. but now things are different. this is a battle that i care and i'm so going to prove my worth. i'm going to make u notice and feel threatened by my presence. i am gg to show u when pple like you meet someone like me, you've got to feel the fear. i mean it. i'm getting serious. maybe if this motivation works out... i might even thank you one day. bur right now, i aim to beat u flat, on the ground. but first thing first, i've got to make u fear me. dun pretend i dun exist.... grrrr.. pple like u makes me sick from top to toe... makes my blood boil, not with anger, but with lotsa determination.

anyway... i've goit lots to strive for, lots to prove and lots to fight for. who says life was a breeze. it will never be so for me anymore. it's time i face the devil deep within e, and pay some attention to challenge.

just read amelia's tag and it's making me damn curious. and i messaged her online while she's on away mode, hoping she's not away.. but she is!!!! hmphhh.. amelia chow!!! tell me wad it is!!! tell me tell me... let's hope after i blog today's entry... she would come back.

went on mega shopping trip today and it feels soo goood!!! i got most of my stuff on my shopping list in the previous entry except the fragrance of course. bet i need to save up longer for it now after all the things i bought. and in addition to wad i got in the shopping list, i got 3 new tops as well! =) all smiles.... didn't know shopping with u can feel this good. hope u enjoyed it as much as i do. i certainly dun want myself to be the only one enjoying. =) and all the shopping bags tt we carried back, or rather all the shopping bags u carried back. lol.... ur first time and mine as well. to have someone to carry all my shopping stuff stuff.. and u to carry all of somebody esle shopping stuff. lol. =) i'm a happy happpy girl today!!!! realised i might get quite hooked to shopping at roxy next time... i like their handbags... looking around for handbags today.. but u didn't allow. boo.. but nonetheless.. i'm still happy. and ya.. i admit, u have good taste to a certain extend.

i will never forget tonight when u and my mum decided to chase a lizard out of the house.... ahhha. it's just funny and scary at the same time. funny to see u 2 and scary cos i dunno when the lizard will change direction and come for me. and my mum just mention she wants to buy a cane for u already!

anyway... school starts tmr. and i'm all set for it. new stuff! wooooooh.... =) everyone who reads this.... pray for my first day of school. no biggie... but still.. this new start means alot to me. in every aspect. those who knows me should noe wad i'm toking about. =)

life feels gooood!!! can't wait for 22nd... to eat the egg! craving and salivating for it already. and yay, amelia replied!!!

finally, the last day of work. though i won't say i'm going to miss the callings, or the scoldings some customers give over the phone... or ow mundane my work can get at times, but there are really things tt i would miss. i would miss the friendly work environment, no kidding about tt. not saying out of courtesy or wad, when i write in the logbook or when i give feedback, but the pple there really are nice and sweet. this is the kind of environment tt i would miss.. alot. i would miss some part of my job as well, especially the parts when customers are real sweet.. and thank you by the name. or thank you for the help.... or just plain nice. but basically, it's just the pple i miss there. those who have guided me patiently and have given me lotsa help during work, those are the ones tt i miss. oh boy... look how much i've changed my opinions in the past 6 weeks... but!!! i'm pretty much looking forward to school re-opening. the start of my new life and my new goal. having a goal always drives and spurs me on.

anyway, today is pretty much celebrating and slacking all the way. no work to be done on last day, so i guess the real last day should be yesterday cos today all of us are very high at work place.... we even thought of cheers for my team-- bluechips.. but here's one tt i would love to share.. i'm not infringing copyright.. cos i'm gg to give him credit... so here's Wang Xuanming's self thought cheer: -

we are not red chips
we are not potato chips
becase we are not that cheap
Guess who we are
We are mighty bluechips!

lol.. can u believe him... here's one from my boy:

United we stand
Together we call
Surveys we make

he claims that it's the army version. but seriously, i thought it's pretty good. =) so anyway, last day of work, though we had to give them a treat, got presents and a BIG card each in return. my first big card!! am sooo touched!!!! okok.... if i get to be executive or above when they recruit me after my graduation.. i might seriously consider. lol.

no matter how much a girl like leona claims that she's gg to forget there's such leisure called shopping, she just can't do it. BUT... i'm not doing un-necessary shopping. this is call rewarding myself for a fruitful 6 weeks of work. so i've decided to go shopping on sunday!!! to get all my new school stuff.. These are things that i want to get:

a new school bag (definitely a necessity)
a new pencil case (not so necessary)
a new jacket (somewhere in between, but something i really want!!!)
a new pair of flip-flops (good to have, but no rush)
the new fragrance (waiting for my boy and i to save up for it)

going to get sponsorship from the queen though.. request in process.. waiting to be granted.

am hunnngggrrryyyyyy. but he say i cannot eat! hmph. anyway.. can't wait for the cycling trip tmr. am very looking forward to it.. plan well, k? downloading bleach now btw.... =)

i'm so glad i'm being missed by angel and joel.. cos it shows that i'm being REMEMBERED at least. nyway, joel... why doesn't the picture show when i enter my blog?? hmmmm... why ar?

anyway.. this week is my last week of work, and sadly.. i'm on afternoon shift. sians. i'm starting to dislike my job once again. i guess it's the on and off period. but although this week is only 4 working days, i already cannot wait for thurs to come and get it over and done with. can't stand this current project tt i'm on. i think it's annoying to an extend... if i were the custoemr, i would feel annoyed. we're giving the colleagues a treat on thurs.. while i heard yan's place... the company's giving them a treat a t a place tt requires booking of place?? os i would think is a restaurant??

after this week is over, it's really time to start getting serious about my life and things i do. had a little talk with my mum and somehow, i gathered from her tone that she definitely wants me to get into uni... but not overseas one. i guess it would be a seriously heavy load on my family, that's why. i do understand, thus... it's time to make a difference. easier said than done... but determination and discipline will become my 2 best friend for this coming year ahead.

i wasn't exactly feeling down but i have to admit my emotions got slightly more positive after reading eve's mail. thanks eve. silly little updates and the long awaited email. am going to reply very sooon. maybe after i finish the new project on hand.. =)

sometimes can get quite tiring. guessing, pacifying and trying to pretend nothing's wrong. being insensitive it may be... pretending not to acknowledge it may be too. or too tired to do anything. i dunno wad went wrong. but it does really get quite tiring at times. for both of us, i think. do we ve a problem somewhere... i dun like this feeling. i dun like leaving thorns unplucked, threads dangling and white spots tarnished. i dunno....